Tag Archives: Motherhood

Middle School

Leave a reply

Listening to my daughter talk about her feelings and the dynamics of kid interaction at school, I realize the following:

  1. Middle school is “Lord of the Flies” harsh even when it’s a good school;
  2. People can be really judgmental, including my kid;
  3. A middle schooler wants more than anything to be accepted; the hardest thing to do is to befriend someone who is an “outcast,” because you risk your own social safety;
  4. I suck at listening, despite being a psychotherapist (psycho therapist?);
  5. All my childhood wounds are activated;
  6. I have to WORK REALLY HARD to keep my mouth shut, my heart open, and to accept I do not have control over this.

BEING PRESENT with someone else’s suffering, especially when that someone is the most precious treasure of my life, is the hardest soul task I’ve encountered.

Glimpses of My Daughter at Age Six

1 Reply

Glimpses of My Daughter At Age Six

She is a sunflower-yellow
hourglass with a
center of nipple pink intensity
bouncing, twirling, burbling, squawking
like a Steller’s jay.
She is inside with Peter, Paul, and Mary,
multiplying three times infinity
in her rocking chair.
She is an apple, crisp and fresh,
the guitar singing melodies
sometimes jarring and jangling ears.
She’s a meandering stream of galaxies,
an ancient Redwood soul, not
fearing abandonment –
a kaleidoscope of wonder.

–Kathryn Harper

Oh Little One: Four Haiku

Oh Little One: Four Haiku

That brave little neck,
the stem of a sunflower;
your brain is blooming.
—–
Your luscious curved cheek
is a small apple that begs
for tender kisses.
—–
The tree sapling back
nourishes roots and branches;
may it grow mighty.
—–
Hands touch but don’t clutch
like curious mice seeking
their fortune in cheese.

–Kathryn Harper

she loves books

How I love her!

Asked And Answered

My mother-in-law is coming back to assist. She was willing to come as soon as tomorrow. Despite the fact she also plans to fly to Kansas for Thanksgiving to see her other son from November 20-28, she was willing to come here first and then return to us after that trip. Husband and I decided we could muddle through until the 26th, and she’ll move her departure from Kansas up a couple of days. She’ll be coming for an indefinite stay. Who knows? Since she’d planned to come for ten days at Christmastime, she may just end up staying the whole month.

Soon the weekend will be here. I just need to cope with today, tomorrow and Friday. Next week Husband plans (we hope) to take Monday and Wednesday off, and I can see if a friend can spell me on Tuesday. Then he’ll be off the remainder of next week for the holiday, and before we know it, the 26th will arrive.

I feel encouraged and relieved, and much less depressed and anxious.

I know I’ve got to come to grips with my role as a mother. I’m the adult, after all. But this is a relationship unlike any other; I’m a little long in the tooth and had years to become comfortable with having my way and only taking care of myself. So having some help through this growth spurt is much appreciated.

One of the things I’ll need to embrace is that I’ve got the child I’ve got, and she’s so young it’s too soon to draw conclusions. Maybe she’s a fiery personality and I’ll have my hands very full the rest of my life. Or maybe it’s just that she’s not been on this earth even 70 days yet, and her nervous system is immature, and/or she may naturally have ultra-acute senses, and that she’ll grow into a more settled state (like everyone keeps promising). This little person may simply need to be kept company while she thrashes her way through life (if indeed that’s how she needs to do it), and if I can step back from fear of “doing it wrong” and release resistance to not having my way, maybe I can see more clearly how to provide that. Rather than feel vexed that I can’t soothe her (so as to have a calm life and support my wish to feel competent), I can smile at her with the wisdom of having been alive much longer and feel less desperately helpless. She needs room to be herself and a mother who can tell the difference between mother and daughter.

What Have I Given Birth To?

The witching hour is back. What appeared to be an improvement with Zantac has disappeared. At this moment she is screaming in her crib while I take a momentary break to keep my sanity. She is hoarse from crying most of the afternoon. She did sleep a lot this morning and a bit this afternoon (interspersed with crying). She fights her sleep. I try to make sure not to keep her awake too long between sleep sessions: she wakes hungry, she gets fed, changed, played with a very short time, and as soon as she shows drowsy signs, I try to soothe her. It worked a little earlier in the afternoon, though she would not sleep in her crib alone more than 30-40 minutes. However, as the afternoon progressed the crying increased. She thrashes in my arms whether swaddled or not. She does not respond to soft humming or soft or loud shushing sound. She will calm momentarily and start to drift into sleep and then become alert and start crying, screaming, and thrashing while in my arms. If my friend had not come over to visit today and spell me a little while I think I’d be screaming and thrashing right now too.

It’s manifestly clear that she’s exhausted. She’s fed, clean, dry, held lovingly. She is not ill. I’m helpless. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help her get sleep. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m alienated. I’m having a hard time focusing on empathy for her and letting go of my ego-driven desire to have a child who is more convenient and less a mystery. Less challenging. Less difficult. I’m having difficulty keeping her company whatever she is going through. In this moment I do not want this relationship, this job, this vocation of mothering and motherhood. I’m insecure and scared and have standards I can’t live up to. And I plain don’t like being helpless and ignorant and watching someone I love suffer.

I’m going to leave comments open, but please, no advice, or suggestions that start with Have you tried….

I think I need help. I need extra hands and arms and someone who has experience being a parent. I’m going to talk with Husband about asking his mother to come back. She’s coming for Christmas December 20-30, and I feel like asking more is an imposition and also a sign that at 44 I still can’t fucking handle responsibility, and am shying away from being a grown-up, and that I had no business procreating. And oh my, this is my life now, and the rest of my life.

Art Every Day Month – Day 2

Yes, I know I said I wouldn’t post photos of my daughter on the blog. I’ve broken that rule twice, but not for full-faced photos. However, I’m a proud mother who adores this little girl, and I can’t resist posting her flirty little smile. So this is my art for today. We play a game. Several weeks ago I began sticking out my tongue and talking to her that way, and she responded by sticking her tongue out too. I cheered this and smiled, and she smiled back, very pleased with herself. We spend many minutes at a time doing this, which gets her cooing and grinning. She almost laughed today. She is such a joyful little girl. How can I help but fall in love?

art everyday month 07 - day 2 - my biggest project ever

My Biggest Creation Ever