Tag Archives: change

Standing Still

It’s been a year of change, and for me this has shown up as being the one who is left behind.

Shortly after my mother died in March, I learned that four unrelated close friends of mine are moving away. One moved three hours away, another back to Texas, and a third one, today, is leaving for Colorado. My fourth friend is still searching for somewhere out of the bay area to land, and I’m confident they will be gone by end of summer.

It happens to us all. Having been left, and having twice been the one leaving, I know it is harder to be left. The person departing is focused forward, on new adventures, on change (most often) of their own design. I know my friends will miss me. It’s just that I feel acutely, right now, how immobile I am. I don’t even necessarily want to move anywhere. It’s just that this pandemic has stopped everything.

My mother’s death still feels abstract. She was 3,000 miles away, and I couldn’t travel to bury her. My friend who is leaving today used to be part of my daily life, but the pandemic shut that down. We’ve still connected by text, Marco Polo, and a few socially distanced walks. The first two options remain.

It’s just hard to wave good-bye when I’m the one standing still.

So it’s time to be gentle, let myself feel sad, and important to not attach to the feeling and get stuck in this story. And maybe it’s time for a little chocolate.

Risk

“Sometimes you have to live in precarious and temporary places. Unsuitable places. Wrong places. Sometimes the safe place won’t help you. …I have noticed that doing the sensible thing is only a good idea when the decision is quite small. For the life-changing things, you must risk it.”

DSC07560

Change Of Plans

Due to a family emergency (that I’m not at liberty to provide the details of, since it’s extended family), my mother-in-law is unable to come as planned tomorrow. Other family members need her support right now. She still intends to come help out here in December (though I feel for her, as she will have traveled many thousands of miles by that time).

We’re doing all right, although I’ve been carrying my tension in my face such that it feels as though I have lock jaw. Claire awoke at 4:30 a.m. today. She had been starting to consolidate her sleep sessions and become more regular (awaking at 5:45-6:00 a.m.), but aims to keep life interesting instead.