A Little Humor

emergency bacon

Emergency Bacon

Husband brought this home for me from work. This is a routine snack in their fridge — “microwave 60 seconds and enjoy.” I was at wits’ end with a crying baby, so he thought I needed this.

P.S. After 25 minutes of hysterical crying (not me, my daughter) I went back and picked her up to rock her. She went instantly limp into a doze in my arms. Husband came home 20 minutes later and she woke. He held her for 20 minutes, talked quietly, she fell asleep, and now she is asleep in her crib. It’s not fair! (But I’m grateful that he is such a good father and that she will fall asleep for someone.)

What Have I Given Birth To?

The witching hour is back. What appeared to be an improvement with Zantac has disappeared. At this moment she is screaming in her crib while I take a momentary break to keep my sanity. She is hoarse from crying most of the afternoon. She did sleep a lot this morning and a bit this afternoon (interspersed with crying). She fights her sleep. I try to make sure not to keep her awake too long between sleep sessions: she wakes hungry, she gets fed, changed, played with a very short time, and as soon as she shows drowsy signs, I try to soothe her. It worked a little earlier in the afternoon, though she would not sleep in her crib alone more than 30-40 minutes. However, as the afternoon progressed the crying increased. She thrashes in my arms whether swaddled or not. She does not respond to soft humming or soft or loud shushing sound. She will calm momentarily and start to drift into sleep and then become alert and start crying, screaming, and thrashing while in my arms. If my friend had not come over to visit today and spell me a little while I think I’d be screaming and thrashing right now too.

It’s manifestly clear that she’s exhausted. She’s fed, clean, dry, held lovingly. She is not ill. I’m helpless. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help her get sleep. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m alienated. I’m having a hard time focusing on empathy for her and letting go of my ego-driven desire to have a child who is more convenient and less a mystery. Less challenging. Less difficult. I’m having difficulty keeping her company whatever she is going through. In this moment I do not want this relationship, this job, this vocation of mothering and motherhood. I’m insecure and scared and have standards I can’t live up to. And I plain don’t like being helpless and ignorant and watching someone I love suffer.

I’m going to leave comments open, but please, no advice, or suggestions that start with Have you tried….

I think I need help. I need extra hands and arms and someone who has experience being a parent. I’m going to talk with Husband about asking his mother to come back. She’s coming for Christmas December 20-30, and I feel like asking more is an imposition and also a sign that at 44 I still can’t fucking handle responsibility, and am shying away from being a grown-up, and that I had no business procreating. And oh my, this is my life now, and the rest of my life.

I Just Want To Say

I am so pleased that I decided to participate in Art Everyday Month this year. I’m enjoying it, and since I decided to focus only on photography, I don’t feel any stress about coming up with something. I can carry out my motherly duties and still make stuff. That feels good. 🙂

A Rough Time

Inexplicably, Bean is not sleeping again, and she’s so overtired she’s hysterical. This hysteria is frightening to witness. We are doing all the things we usually try and it’s not helping. So the hysteria begets more exhaustion which begets more hysteria. Sometimes she will sleep in our arms, but more often as soon as she drifts off she startles at nothing and begins crying again. Her appetite seems good, but who the hell knows when that will change?

The doctor has no advice. No one has advice. And while it’s well-intentioned, I don’t want advice. I just want it to improve. I just want her to feel better. I just want her to be happy and rested. Oh, and I’d like to be happy and rested and have a cheerful child. And I don’t know if or when this will happen. And unless you plan to come live with us and help out, all the advice means zero. Though I do appreciate the sympathy that would prompt it.

Parenting is scary.

Comments are off so the temptation to leave advice is removed. I just need to express what’s going on.

In Memory

A venerable friend died this morning. My brother and sister-in-law (Aunt LP)’s cat, Theo, died at home of renal failure and old age. He was 14. I was the first person they called in 1993 when they adopted him in kittenhood. He was a damn smart cat, their genius kitty; as my brother said, Theo “knew how the outside was connected to the inside (though he’d never been), how to open doors and cabinets, and how to make us smile.” I’m so sad he’s gone. He was a wonderful furry family member. If you have animal companions at home, give them a little extra love today.

theo

This is a photo of an old photo of Theo I snapped when I first moved to Austin in 1994.

Are we really sure the purring is coming from the kitty and not from our very own hearts?

–Emme Woodhull-Bäche, translated

[thanks to Leah for sharing the quotation]

HappySad

Aunt LP has departed. I’m happy that she was here. She cooked us big batches of chicken stew, tomato sauce, and black beans to stock our freezer. She vacuumed. She gave me freedom to nap, shower, and run errands. And she played with Bean, changed her, rocked her to sleep, and fed her. She got to know the little bean. We got to catch up on our lives. I’m sad that she’s gone. I’m sad also that one of her furry kids is very ill; the last day of her visit we worried about him.

I’ve spent the afternoon holding Bean while she sleeps until Husband finished errands (including getting a flu shot, which means we are all immunized now). He’s on duty now, so I’m madly laundering, scrubbing, and organizing, with a trip to the grocery store in the offing.

Message From?

Last night the battery on my laptop died.

First, two laptop power cords have been (presumably) chewed through by the cat, requiring their disposal. Now my laptop battery is konked out.

I still have one cord left and am in the office madly typing this. Soon the baby will wake and I’ll not get back into this room again until evening, probably.

I ask (only partly in jest): Perhaps the universe is trying to tell me something?

I Lost The Bet

Bean weighed in at 9 pounds, 7 ounces. I thought surely she’d gained more! But any gain is good. She also got four immunizations today, three in the form of shots in her thigh. Poor sweetie screamed at a pitch I’d not heard before. She calmed down fairly fast. I really like the pediatrician. Every visit she makes sure Bean is covered and warm, and takes her time answering my questions and examining her. They also, if they don’t have a lot of patients coming in after us, allow us to stay and feed her in the examination room. (She’s irregular enough that it seems she always gets hungry during an appointment regardless of when it is.)

Karen had suggested the stakes; Husband and I never got around to setting them actually. So nothing gained or lost on that front.

The visit with Aunt LP is wonderful! Bean loves her aunt (not that I ever doubted it). I love Bean’s aunt too. 🙂

Art Every Day Month – Day 8

Wednesday was a very hard day with Bean (for me) — it started out with her cheerful. But her erratic eating, overstimulation, inability to sleep, more colicky crying late in the day put her over the top with exhaustion, but she could not find a way to sleep (despite all the usual that we do). Every day is variable. Keeps me on my toes. On days like this (and the past couple have been a little choppy) I feel anxiety. Just when I start feeling competent, things change. I guess this is parenting!

My art:

art everyday month 07 - day 8 - california dreaming

California Dreaming

Vexed

I’m concerned about Stella. For years she has left the laptop cords alone. They are in several parts of the house to enable us to sit plugged in with them. In the past month she has chewed on three cords, destroying two. And she could end up electrocuted. (Not to mention that exposed cords create sparks that could start a fire or electrocute us.)

This might mean I’ll just use the computer less and operate on battery power until it runs low, then plug it into the desk power cord and do something else while it recharges. Stella still gets attention, a clean litterbox, fresh water and food, brushing, petting, toys, and treats. She shows no interest nor animosity toward the baby. I’m not sure what precipitated this behavior but it’s not desirable.

Speaking of the baby, yesterday I tallied the insurance reports showing what it cost to have Bean from admission to discharge. We have a type of insurance that does not cover 100%, so I’m combing the data and hospital bills to ensure we pay only our share. The total cost (not exact to the last dollar, but close): $62,000. Yes, that is correct. It cost as much to have my child as it did to earn my graduate degree.

Time to make her earn her keep! 😉

Dust Mop Baby

For The Record

I’d like to go on record that I think Bean now weighs at least 10.5 pounds and more likely 11. Husband and I have a bet (though we haven’t decided exactly what to wager on), and he thinks she’s still less than that. Her last weigh-in was two weeks ago, and she was nine pounds exactly. Her body is so much more substantial (I notice it in her hands especially, which are much larger and more controlled in movement), now that she is eating larger meals. Her intake has increased 2-3 ounces per day as well. It’s so good to see her thrive — not that she wasn’t before, but it seemed more arduous because of the colic. I’m not ready to declare that the colic is outgrown yet, but we’ve made great progress.

Yoga For Kids

The Yoga Adventure for Children: Playing, Dancing, Moving, Breathing, Relaxing, by Helen Purperhart

This is a clever little book. It’s simply written so that even a child can read and implement the instructions, and the drawings of poses are helpful. I also like organization of information. There are sections for breathing, yoga, visualization, etc. At the end of the book is a handy index showing which exercises and games require props and which don’t. The only device that isn’t as helpful and I found confusing was the way the exercises are identified by age group. The icons representing the four different groups look too similar, making it difficult to remember if it means the age group for ages 4-8, 4-12, 6-12, or 8-12. On the whole it’s a useful guide for teachers, parents, kids, and childcare providers.

It’s a little soon to begin with Bean, but I’ll definitely keep it in my library for later.