The Job of Parents

“The job of parents is to model. Modeling includes how to be a man or woman; how to relate intimately to another person; how to acknowledge and express emotions; how to fight fairly; how to have physical, emotional and intellectual boundaries; how to communicate; how to cope and survive life’s unending problems; how to be self-disciplined; and how to love oneself and another. Shame-based parents cannot do any of these. They simply don’t know how.”

–John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You

Lucky

“Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: “Who has earned the right to hear my story?” If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky.”

–Brené Brown

A Living Continuation

“The day my mother died I wrote in my journal, “A serious misfortune of my life has arrived.” I suffered for more than one year after the passing away of my mother. But one night, in the highlands of Vietnam, I was sleeping in the hut in my hermitage.

I dreamed of my mother. I saw myself sitting with her, and we were having a wonderful talk. She looked young and beautiful, her hair flowing down. It was so pleasant to sit there and talk to her as if she had never died.

When I woke up it was about two in the morning, and I felt very strongly that I had never lost my mother. The impression that my mother was still with me was very clear. I understood then that the idea of having lost my mother was just an idea. It was obvious in that moment that my mother is always alive in me.

I opened the door and went outside. The entire hillside was bathed in moonlight. It was a hill covered with tea plants, and my hut was set behind the temple halfway up. Walking slowly in the moonlight through the rows of tea plants, I noticed my mother was still with me. She was the moonlight caressing me as she had done so often, very tender, very sweet… wonderful! Each time my feet touched the earth I knew my mother was there with me.

I knew this body was not mine but a living continuation of my mother and my father and my grandparents and great-grandparents. Of all my ancestors. Those feet that I saw as “my” feet were actually “our” feet. Together my mother and I were leaving footprints in the damp soil.

From that moment on, the idea that I had lost my mother no longer existed. All I had to do was look at the palm of my hand, feel the breeze on my face or the earth under my feet to remember that my mother is always with me, available at any time.”

–Thích Nhat Hanh, No Death, No Fear

We Are Not the Designers

“But we do neither: we never fail, and we never succeed. We are not the designers of our lives. Life is the designer of us. Life is vast and grand, intelligent, clever, and completely unknowable. It always has the last word. It is the last word. Life interrupts us when we are at our most self-assured. Life diverts us when we are hellbent on going elsewhere. Life arrives in a precise and yet unplanned sequence to deliver exactly what we need in order to realize our greatest potential. The delivery is not often what we would choose, and almost never how we intend to satisfy ourselves, because our potential is well beyond our limited, ego-bound choices and self serving intentions.”

–Karen Maezen Miller, Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life

Gratitude

Despite the fatigue and pain in my body, despite the washing machine and the dishwasher being broken, despite the state of our country and the earth, I felt flooded with gratitude this morning as I took Bean to art camp for the day. I’m grateful for:

  • coffee, brewed strong and black
  • friends with kids who are willing to help fetch each other’s kids and take them places (it takes a village)
  • my husband’s reliability and humor
  • my daughter, who works so hard to find her way these days
  • the means to afford the repair bills, the art camp, the groceries
  • the spirit of animals, a chance to connect with pure consciousness
  • political resistance and the freedom to act
  • a chance to cherish life and death, creation, destruction, and renewal
  • all the mysteries of existence, the unanswered questions, and the chance to sit with not knowing
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The Challenge of the Season

The challenge with this season is that our culture decides to focus on bright and shiny and joy, but reality does not change. There is still suffering. Christmas lights; people are sleeping outdoors in the cold. Baking cookies; 25% of the population in Silicon Valley is food insecure. Christmas carols; there are people sobbing and wailing in grief. Spending and spending on presents; foster kids have nothing. The differences are unsettling. My body is tired. My joints ache. My mind races with to-do lists.

So I do this: I sit in silence. I settle into my breathing and notice each breath. I take off my glasses and gently lay my hands on my face. I rest this way a few moments, feel the warmth and tenderness of my hands, feel my face relax. I move my hands to my head and neck, massaging them. If thoughts come, I decline the invitation to follow them. If I catch myself in a thought, I recognize and let it go. I do this until I feel real again, whole and connected. Then I feel into what comes alive in my core. What can I do in this moment, to help, to love, to heal part of the world? When an idea arises, I follow.

That idea might be to write a note to someone. Or pick up the phone and call. It might be to divert money that would be used for family gifts and spend it on gifts for children in foster care. Or to write a check to Second Harvest Food Bank. It’s as simple as really looking at the person who rings up my purchases and saying hello, how is your day going? And meaning it, receiving the response, making a connection.

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This Time of Year

The dark feels so heavy. Most of the time I prefer to see things, focused on what is reflected to me. Seeing and touching objects confirms my existence and sense of reality. I know where to travel. Without light reflecting off things, I notice the void. The void is without form. It is endless and terrifying. And yet… it is within darkness that I was conceived and took form within my mother’s body. And it is from the void of space that all form emerged, the elements, stars, planets, life. This time of year invites us to face the dark, and to sit with it long enough to accept it.

Light and shadow

Make It Spookyer

My teacher, Maezen, wrote this piece about her daughter and herself in October 2007: Spooked. Bean was only five weeks old at the time. Maezen’s daughter was in second grade.

Ten years later, I could have written it. Tensions rise and our anxieties chafe like flint and stone, and seemingly out of nowhere we have a conflagration that resembles war. Parenting is hard and humbling. Thank goodness for apologies and forgiveness. Thank goodness for atonement, which is also at-one-ment.

Over the past weeks I keep hearing from Bean that we need to up our Halloween game, that our decorations are friendly and tame. She wants spooky decorations. She says she needs to face her fear.

Not having a lot of storage for decorations, I wanted to keep the additions on the small side. And didn’t want to spend the money. So we went to a thrift shop. We installed our pieces. We painted the ghost with red for blood. I think we’ve upped our game pretty well!

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The Months Blaze

So many summer trips, summer camps, heatwaves, gardening; then school began, and here we are. I took the summer off painting. I recently returned to a few begun last spring and finished them. And I’ve made a couple new ones, as I experiment.

sentries / 12" x 36" acrylic on stretched canvas

Sentries / 12″ x 36″ acrylic on stretched canvas

hazy city / 10" x 20" acrylic on stretched canvas

Hazy City / 10″ x 20″ acrylic on stretched canvas

Windfall / 4" x 4" acrylic on canvas panel

Windfall / 4″ x 4″ acrylic on canvas panel

Rock Face / 4" x 4" acrylic on canvas panel

Rock Face / 8″ x 8″ acrylic on stretched canvas

The Leaf Beneath / 5" x 7" acrylic on canvas panel

The Leaf Beneath / 4″ x 6″ acrylic on canvas panel

The Wind Confides Secrets / 5" x 7" acrylic on canvas panel

The Wind Confides Secrets / 4″ x 6″ acrylic on canvas panel

secret garden / 6" x 6" acrylic on wood panel

Secret Garden / 6″ x 6″ acrylic on wood panel

Recognition

Last night, I stretched before bed, a routine which helps bring sleep when I make the effort. At the end I lay on my back in what is called “corpse pose” in yoga.

As I lay quietly, I imagined my heart stopping suddenly. My breath ceasing. My brain shutting down, and with that, all awareness evaporating. The “me” that existed just gone. No more Kathryn. No afterlife awareness as Kathryn.

What arose for me: we are expressions of the Life force. The creations Life makes are temporary. They change, disintegrate, and the constituent parts are reabsorbed. The matter and energy become the source again. There is no soul identified as Kathryn. There is no awareness of others. In this way we are eternal and infinite, because our parts merge again with Life. But the death of the body is the death of the personality.

And for whatever reason, for the first time, that felt all right. True. Not scary. Not sad.