Category Archives: Recreation

Today’s Strategy

When Bean awoke around 5 a.m., Husband got up and took care of her. I woke at 5:30 though, and decided to start my day, so I took her on after the feeding. Rather than immediately try to get her to sleep again, I decided this was the start of her day and kept her up. She lasted 30 minutes, maybe 45, before she rubbed her eyes. So today I thought I’d try a different way. I held her and rocked her to sleep from 6:15 to 6:45 a.m.; when she was deeply asleep, I gently put her in the crib. She stirred very slightly but remained asleep. I tiptoed from the room and dozed on the sofa. She slept until 8:00 a.m.! She woke crying and hungry.

So we ate and played, and watched the garbage trucks come just outside her window. Around 9:20 she was sleepy, so I rocked and held her again. She does fight going to sleep; arches her back, wiggles, cries with disappointment, while at the same time her eyes are rolling back in her head and her eyelids can’t stay up because she’s so sleepy. She fell asleep within ten minutes, and again I held her for half an hour, then put her down. But Husband had to leave for work, and her room is over the garage, and the movement of the door woke her; she’d slept only 45 minutes.

Then we went to the library. We arrived too late for the baby lap-sit story time. I chatted with a couple mothers and we wandered the library children’s section. (In the past couple of days, the feedback I’ve gotten from mothers is that I’m “leader of the pack” — as one mom phrased it — in terms of getting out with Bean. A number of women said they didn’t make it to outings until their children were at least six months old.) I attempted to go for a walk in Central Park with her, but she started to get tired (again!). We got home at 11:45 a.m. and I fed her at noon. She fussed while she played, so I did the nap routine again. Except that this time, she woke up at half an hour. I put her in the crib, but she became very alert. I didn’t want to deal with crying today. So I picked her up again and returned to the chair. I held her and dozed with her; she slept for 90 minutes.

We went out to the grocery store, drugstore, and cafe, because I needed human contact and she needed stimulation. She was cheerful but became tired quickly. We got home at 3:30 and this time I decided to just put her in the swing. She’s sleeping now.

Supposedly, babies have wakeful periods of about two hours between naps, but it seems Bean has even shorter times. Then there’s the 2-3-4 rule: when babies are 6 months old or so, after first waking, they are usually awake 2 hours before the first nap, about 3 hours before the second nap, and about 4 hours before bedtime. Today is typical for Bean:

Up at 5:00 a.m.
Back to sleep at 6:15 (to finish night sleep)
Up at 8:00 a.m.
Back to sleep at 9:30 (1st nap)
Up at 10:30 a.m.
Back to sleep at 12:15 p.m. (2nd nap)
Up at 1:45 p.m.
Back to sleep at 3:30 p.m. (3rd nap)
Up at 5:00 p.m.
Back to sleep at 7:00 p.m. (bedtime)
Then up twice for feeding, around 11:00 p.m. and 4:00 a.m. (total wakefulness usually 1 hour)

That’s about 9.25 hours of awake time out of 24 hours. This means there’s 14.75 hours of sleep. At her age, the typical range is 12-15. It just seems as though as soon as she’s awake, she’s sleepy again.

It’s got me thinking. It seems that the challenge, for me, is accepting this little person’s needs over my preferences. In other words, my work is caring for her. This means slowing down. Maybe I won’t need to hold her for 30 minutes for each nap “forever” — she won’t need me that long. And what would I be doing otherwise? Reading blogs? Checking mail? Folding laundry? Why do I want so quickly to put her down so I can do these other things? (Rhetorical question.) My point here is that a lot of the tasks I feel tugging at me are not truly priorities. Even though the past four months has felt like a lifetime in many ways, she still is only four months old and not even 13 pounds. My strategy for dealing with naps will be first to get her accustomed to being put into the crib by me. That requires holding her, rocking her well into sleep, then putting her down repeatedly. Once going into the crib by Mommy is normal and routine, then perhaps I can reduce the amount of time I hold her bit by bit. At night, Husband has managed to set up a routine of rocking and holding her for 10-15 minutes, then putting her in the crib. Even if she’s awake, she’ll accept going into the crib and fall asleep. That’s my eventual goal.

Something else has got me pondering. Before I became a parent, I rarely though about excretory functions and sleep. (Well, sleep and insomnia have always been a problem for me, but I didn’t read about sleep.) Now I’ve consumed a catalogue of books and websites about how to get my child on a sleep schedule. Each book contains case histories and anecdotes about the various troubles parents have had, and I wonder: what is it about sleep that is so difficult? It’s a basic human need and function. (The same question arose for me about breast feeding.)

I mean, really, think about this. The body gets tired. It needs to sleep. You’d think it would be simple and easy to do. Yet thousands of parents can’t seem to get their children to sleep. Or rather, they can’t get their children to sleep on a schedule that allows the parents to sleep well. I asked my mother what she remembers of raising four children and getting them to sleep. Sometimes we cried a little, and she’d pat our backs and say sweet things like Nighty-night, time for sleep, I love you, and we’d fall asleep. We didn’t, apparently, cry hysterically for an hour or more. Maybe we were “easy” children, or maybe time erases the memories. Regardless, I don’t seem to have an easy child; this has been evident since birth. She’s alert and engaged. Every single time we go out in public — to the store, the library, the park — people say two things when we engage in conversation. One: She’s so small and cute! Two: She’s so alert! The fact that these two comments are made every single time I encounter someone I don’t even know, I realize just how little I do know about babies.

Well, Bean woke up at 4:30 and is complaining about being the in the swing. Perhaps I’ll bring her with me to fold laundry and entertain her by putting my underwear on my head, or something.

Miscellaneous Bean Thoughts

On Thursday, Bean saw her doctor. She weighed 12 pounds, 8 ounces and measured 24.5 inches long. Just 18 days prior (when she went in because she was ill) she weighed 11 pounds, 3 ounces, so she’s gaining well. The doctor pronounced her beautifully healthy. Her Zantac prescription was increased according to her weight (she’s been pulling off the bottle and arching her back during meals recently again). If her discomfort isn’t allayed in seven days, we may need to “graduate” to a different medication. When she received her vaccinations this visit, her response was much different. At the two-month visit, she screamed as though we were sawing off her limbs; it was a scream of pain and betrayal. This time, she broke into deep-chested, rhythmic sobs, the cry of hurt and disappointment. She was soothed more quickly this time. She also had a stronger reaction to the vaccines — a slightly elevated temperature, fussiness, and lots of sleeping followed for 48 hours.

Some other things I notice about Bean but don’t think I’ve written:

  • When she is tired and in the swing or stroller, she sometimes stares at her left hand (her left hand only). She holds it with the thumb closest to her, as though she were about to suck it, except the hand is about four or five inches from her face. She stares intently for minutes.
  • Other times when Bean is tired (and in the stroller or swing), she turns her head to the right and closes her eyes.
  • She has switched from sucking several fingers to sucking her thumb.
  • She also chews and sucks on plastic letters that link together (teething?).
  • Her volume of drool has increased significantly. To help Bean recognize family members whom she doesn’t see often, I dug up photos and had them laminated. This way they will survive drool and whatever folding, spindling, or mutilating little hands manage to do.

Shortly I’ll be heading out to a baby shower for a friend who is due in February. Oh, I am remiss in mentioning that last week my friend Nathania, who assisted with Bean’s birth, gave birth to a beautiful daughter, Elinor Marjorie, on January 6. Bean will have friends to play with!

Meanwhile, we continue to listen to the Music Together CD from the class. I’m pleased with it — the songs are child-friendly but also enjoyable for adults. If you ask people who know me, they’d tell you that before Bean, they rarely heard me sing. Those who grew up with me would explain why: I can’t sing on key. At least, not without music to follow along to. Well, since Bean arrived I’ve improved. I started singing along with (and later without) the Disney children’s music CDs I bought. The more I sing, the better I’m able to hit the right notes. I also make up songs all the time. The Music Together songs are adapted to fit the vocal range for children, so they are accessible to me. Bean really enjoys being sung to and danced with. I’ve reached a point where I don’t care what other people think about my tone or pitch. She enjoys it, and that’s what matters. Sometimes I display musical competence (hit the right notes and keep correct rhythm) and sometimes I don’t, but it’s a skill, and skill doesn’t develop without practice. Most of all, I want Bean to enjoy listening to and making music, and to enjoy her body by moving it. Husband wants this too (he’s definitely got musical competence and played in high school marching band).

On a non-Bean related note, yesterday I made dinner (yes, again!). I made my first-ever pot roast (it cooked to delectable tenderness and created a yummy gravy), baked potatoes, and carrots with raisin sauce. We had friends over (Bean’s Emergency Backup Parents), and they brought champagne and a colorful salad. We savored it all, and later broke out a new came (a holiday gift from my parents) — Apples to Apples. What a fun and easy game! There are child-friendly versions (Kids and Junior) as well as a expansion decks. I believe it’s going to be a new favorite.

Officially Four Months

Four months old! That’s how fast time is flowing!

Bean has several new sounds in her vocabulary. In addition to the creaky door moan, there is a high-pitched squeal that can sound like a prelude to crying or is just a noise she can make because it gives pleasure. The most recent addition is a grunt — “Uhn. Uhhn!” — when she wants something: more milk, a different toy, someone to pay attention to her.

Tummy time remains a challenge, because she flips herself onto her back as soon as she’s placed on her stomach. She’s working hard to turn herself from back to stomach; I don’t think she’s yet made the connection that this action is the “other side of the coin” to the tummy time. Once she does, I’m sure she’ll be rolling all over.

She squeals with delight now and laughs heartily. Some of her favorite games are:

  • Kicking her Lamaze Pupsqueak toy as I hang it over her feet; it jingles and jangles. She especially enjoys this when she’s in just a diaper, because she can use her toes to grab the toy.
  • The finger rocket game; Daddy pretends to launch a missile (his index finger) that goes way up, and it comes down in spirals and wiggles and lands on her stomach. The sound effects are what make this so fun. He makes the sound of the launch, whistles the falling action, and makes a crashing sound when his hand lands. Her face is a rapture of anticipation as she watches.
  • The animal sound game. This is self-explanatory.
  • The kissing game. I kiss different parts of her body and name them (feet, knees, elbow, head, etc.).
  • Bean fishing: we dangle linked plastic letters over her mouth as she’s lying on her back, and she opens her mouth like a fish taking bait. These letters are portable favorites. She rejected pacifiers at about nine weeks when she discovered her fingers, and now the letters and her fingers bring satisfaction.

Bean likes to sit up as much as possible and to stand with support. Her manual dexterity is increasingly refined. She grabs toys with more precision and manipulates them more smoothly.

She reaches out to touch a book when it is read to her and has begun grabbing the page to turn it (not necessarily in the direction of the story).

I’ve made short movies with the new camera (which has sound too), and showed them to her. She is fascinated and transfixed watching herself.

Thursday she sees the doctor for a check-up and vaccinations. Today we’ll begin a weekly class called Music Together at a local community center. I make an effort now to get out more with her; she’s a social being and avidly interested in the world. Coordinating when is a challenge. She continues to have about two good alert hours right after waking and eating before she becomes exhausted and needs a nap. It takes a lot of energy to grow a brain!

Bean fishing

The Remains of the Day

By 4:00 p.m. I’ve usually been up about 11 or 12 hours. My energy flags. My blood sugar plummets. I feel myself disconnect, wanting to stare off into the distance, tired of trying to think of another silly sound game or new way to play with a toy. I feel a little lonely at this time of day. Today I called my mother; on the east coast it’s three hours later in the day, so it’s a good time to chat. Talking with her reassured me that my feeling was normal, and that my inclination to slow down is good for me and Bean. While I chatted, I held a rattle in front of Bean (she was on her gym mat) and tilted it back and forth. This fascinated her as she played with the other dangling toys. And the break — the redirection of part of my attention to something other than her — helped me recharge. At the end of the call, I was able to read her five books (these are all short board books), and then I took her up to her room to play “Bean fishing” with linked plastic letters. I even made a short movie. When Husband arrived home, we gave her a bath and tucked her in at 7:00.

I realize that for Bean, every day everything is new. The same rattle she played with yesterday holds new fascination, because today she might be able to manipulate it a bit better. She does not have language or concepts yet, so she doesn’t think herself into boredom. I do attempt to be with her in her discoveries, to experience the world from her perspective. It’s human for energy to wane, though. Playing with the same toys is her practice, and keeping her company (sharing my attention in the moment) is mine.

the remains of the day

The Remains of the Day

Oh Clair

I remember this Gilbert O’Sullivan “two-hit wonder” song from my childhood. It’s a song about an uncle’s affection for his baby niece. (Nothing creepy like Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline). I loved it. Does anyone else? (Remember or love it?)

Perhaps this memory played a part in the process of naming my daughter.


Click here if you can’t see the video on the post.

Lyrics:
Clair. The moment I met you, I swear.
I felt as if something, somewhere,
had happened to me, which I couldn’t see.

And then, the moment I met you, again.
I knew in my heart that we were friends.
It had to be so, it couldn’t be no.

But try as hard as I might do, I don’t know why.
You get to me in a way I can’t describe.

Words mean so little when you look up and smile.
I don’t care what people say, to me you’re more than a child.

Oh Clair. Clair…

Clair. If ever a moment so rare
was captured for all to compare.
That moment is you in all that you do.

But why in spite of our age difference do I cry.
Each time I leave you I feel I could die.

Nothing means more to me than hearing you say,
“I’m going to marry you. Will you marry me? Oh hurray!”

Oh Clair. Clair…

Clair, I’ve told you before “Don’t you dare!”

“Get back into bed.”
“Can’t you see that it’s late.”
“No you can’t have a drink.”
“Oh allright then, but just just wait a minute.”

While I, in an effort to babysit, catch up on my breath,
what there is left of it.

You can be murder at this hour of the day.
But in the morning the sun will see my lifetime away.

Oh Clair. Clair…

Oh Clair.

My Little Sack of Potatoes

Bean is getting heavy to carry! I think we may have a baby carrier that’s a winner.

When she was born, we first tried the Infantino sling. Bean hated it. It required her to be horizontal, and this wasn’t comfortable with the reflux. It was also dark and hot.

We tried a Moby wrap. Getting the damn thing wrapped around me and arranged was a lot of bother, and she hated it too, because she had to face inward. This child prefers to face the world. I know when she’s bigger she could face outward — the Moby wrap allows for all sorts of positions — but it lacks structure, and I think that bothered her too.

We did a little research. Consumer Reports rated the top three carriers as the Baby Bjorn Active ($120), the Baby Bjorn Original ($80), and the Kolcraft Jeep 2-in-1 ($40). They were rated on safety, ease of use, and comfort.

So today we all went to the store and tried on the Evenflo Snuggli (way too many straps and clips), a Baby Bjorn Active (we didn’t like the snaps at the bottom and it was pricey), and a Kolcraft Jeep 2-in-1. The only one she did not cry in was this last one. So we bought it and brought it home. At first she cried in it when we faced her inward. Facing outward she started crying but was soon distracted by watching Grandma cook, and then Husband took her for a short walk, and she was fascinated. My hope is the trepidation of the unknown will diminish and she’ll “take” to it. This would allow me to go to the grocery store and other short outings without lugging the stroller.

Growth Spurt

Today Bean is 16 weeks old (nearly 4 months), and she graduated to wearing clothes for 3-6 months of age. We guess she weighs 12 pounds by now. The clothes are a little baggy on her, as she’s still long for her age but not roly-poly.

Fortunately, we have plenty of clothes for this age/size range: 12 long-sleeved/long-legged sleep-n-plays; 8 long-sleeved/short-legged onesies; 12 short-sleeved/short-legged onesies. The unfortunate thing is we have a huge wardrobe of outfits for 0-3 months that we never used, mostly because they were for summer season and she was born in the fall, and some because they were impractical. Denim overalls with flowers embroidered on them are cute, but they make changing a baby’s diaper an act of frustration for all involved. Many of these outfits were gifts, so we’ll bestow them on friends who are expecting in the spring. Bean pretty much lives in onesies and sleep-n-play outfits.

When she was ill the past few weeks, her good sleep habits went awry. The last two nights she woke frequently shortly after being fed. And I still need to work on a) putting her in the crib for the last portion of her night sleep (5-8 a.m.) and naps, and/or b) if she sleeps in her swing, getting her accustomed to motionless sleep, which supposedly promotes deeper, more restful snoozing.

Some things Bean enjoys:

  • Her face being tickled by my wet hair after I shower.
  • Being put on a blanket and rolled from side to side.
  • Practicing sit-ups by lying on a blanket and being pulled gently to a sitting position on the floor.
  • Kicking an inflatable beach ball while in her bouncer.
  • Staring at pinwheels I bought for her and put in flower pots on the back deck (and one pinwheel I use inside).
  • Being read to; she snuggles on our laps and looks at the book as we read. She even reaches out to touch the book, especially if it’s a touch-and-feel book.
  • “Singing” herself to sleep (her creaky door serenades).
  • Being kissed on her feet, tummy, face, and head.
  • Splashing Daddy and the bathroom sink and floor during her bath.
  • Chewing on toys, fingers (anyone’s), and cold teethers.
  • Sitting up on a lap like a big girl at the dining table while we eat (she can hold her head steady for a good length of time).
  • Having lively cooing and babbling conversations with us.
  • Being sung to; some of her favorites are Home On the Range, A Bicycle Built for Two, Do-Re-Mi, Take Me Out to the Ball Game.
  • Plastering her world with drool.
  • Smiling and giggling, and being smiled at; she smiles with her whole body — waves her arms, wriggles, kicks her legs.

Tucked Away

Normally I put up holiday decorations the day after Thanksgiving and put them all away on New Year’s Day. This year I didn’t adorn the house until December 8th and, desperate for floor space again, we packed the tree and other items up yesterday afternoon. All our presents are living in their appropriate places for use and enjoyment. There will come a time when we loll in the afterglow of the holiday, with the tree and presents still stacked around once opened. But we’ve got tummy time to do, and rolling over to practice! And new toys to play with and books to read, of course.

I was reading The Book of New Family Traditions, and I realized Bean and I have a diaper-changing ritual that has simply evolved over time. When we head to her room for a change, I sing a little song: “Bean needs a clean (or dry) diaper (three times), yes she does, yes she does!” I sing that a few times on the way. Then when her new diaper is on, I kiss her right foot several times before tucking it into her outfit, and then I kiss her left foot and tuck it in. Diaper changing time is always full of smiles (except when her rash was so bad, and it’s gone now, thank goodness).

On Christmas Eve we each opened a gift. As I tore the paper on her gift, Bean began to laugh a rolling, from-the-belly laugh. I kept tearing, and she hooted like it was the funniest thing ever. She hadn’t laughed like that before. It was the most amazing experience and got us laughing too. Husband had the presence of mind to make a 30-second video of it. It’s a present to cherish.

Merry Krismas!

Yes, that’s the term. As a non-Christian I am aware that much of the mythology I cherish about Christmas isn’t the religious aspect. My focus is on the light, feasting, generosity, and goodwill. Well, there’s a movement afoot for those of us who celebrate this time of year but without the religion: Krismas!

From the website one of the founders, Jacob Walker, explains:

Krismas is a secular holiday that celebrates the myth of Kris Kringle, commonly known as Santa Claus. It happens on December 25th of each year, and is also closely associated with Krismas Eve which occurs December 24th. Krismas is part of the “12 Days of Secular Celebration.”

Krismas is about celebrating most of the modern mythologies surrounding Christmas, except for the mythology of the birth of Jesus as a savior.

Krismas is about giving gifts, especially those “from the heart”; it is about the magic of childhood; it is about peace on earth; and it is about goodwill towards humankind, and anything else you wish it to mean that does not involve the Jesus as a savior bit.

I loved Christmas growing up. I treasure those memories. I treasure the mythology of Santa Claus, Rudolph, Elves, etc. I treasure the idea of giving gifts, the beauty of Christmas lights and the smell of Christmas trees. This is what Christmas was about to me. These are the secular mythologies and symbols that we have made Christmas about.

Read another page about Krismas.

[I thank Dale for posting about this and wish him a hearty Merry Krismas!]

Hibernation

I felt woozy the past couple of days. Every time I stood up or got up from the floor, the blood would rush from my head, I’d hear ringing in my ears, and the edge of my vision would go white. I also felt hot but not feverish, as though the room was just too warm. I was a little dizzy — not room-spinning dizzy, just off-balance. I thought perhaps that, being sleep deprived, I’d also neglected eating decently. So I ate a hearty meal and took a three hour nap yesterday. (Thanks to my MIL, or that would not have been possible.) I awoke still feeling weird, called my doctor, and they fit me in.

After a brief visit and two blood-pressure readings (one sitting and the other standing), the preliminary diagnosis was simply dehydration. I drink enough water, or so I think, but apparently not. My blood pressure dropped significantly when I moved from sitting to standing. It had been awhile since I saw him, so the doctor also ordered blood tests: anemia, blood sugar, thyroid, vitamin B12, and cholesterol, just to be sure. I went home, drank a quart of water, and I did feel much better.

However, I still feel a little funky. Possibly this is just exhaustion. Husband came home last night commenting that he too felt a little woozy. I ran an errand last night to Baby Depot, where I searched for long-sleeved bodysuits (no legs) in a slightly larger size, as Bean is getting too big for the ones she has and we’re still using the legless outfits because she’s being changed so frequently. I found one package and made my way toward the registers. When I saw the line of customers snaking out the front of the store (probably 75 people in line) and two registers open, I promptly returned the package to its location and left. I thought: what folly to have attempted this! Yet it had seemed so important I get out to find these. I returned home empty-handed and rued having wasted the gas, time, and effort.

Today it is rainy. There are no errands to run. It’s a good stay to stay indoors to read and play and nap. Bean’s bottom is better (not entirely but much), and the tummy problems are slowly clearing up. She’s still not feeling up to a lot of play. We’ve done a lot of cuddling.

How interesting that this is a season of pushing ourselves to make merry, do more more more, decorate, buy gifts we hope will please and impress, when it’s the very time of year our bodies want to rest. Winter is a season of restoration. Yes, we need reminders that the light will return, and it’s enjoyable to see twinkly colored lights everywhere, but a little bit goes a long way. How can you enjoy it if you’re busy fighting for a parking space? Stay home. Nestle in. Put on your jammies and make a cup of cocoa. Maybe bake a batch of cookies (no need to make 15 different kinds; one will do). Let yourself sleep when your body is tired. Eat when you’re hungry. Give yourself over to the real season.

Axial Tilt is the Reason for the Season

A Christmas Gift Like No Other

Update: New photos of Bean on Flickr!

One year ago today I learned I was pregnant. For those who haven’t been reading my blog long (or who might have forgotten), here’s the back story. After two miscarriages in 2005, we tried in 2006. I became nervous about the lack of progress, and Husband and I decided to see a fertility specialist. (My husband is ten years younger and had not the sense of urgency I felt about the waning opportunity.) On November 13 we met with the doctor, who advised that because of my “advanced maternal age,” the likelihood of successful in vitro conception with my own eggs was less than 10% per attempt. In other words, my eggs were old, tired, dried up, and probably rife with genetic misinformation. Those were bad odds, so I made peace with the idea of using egg donation. We agreed to have testing done (for both of us) and begin in January.

A week later I had another FSH hormone test done which showed the levels to be normal (the previous one had been a “tad” high at 11). The specialist wanted another, more invasive test done to check the health of my uterus, but my HMO insurance would not cover it because the specialist was out of network. No problem; we switched to a more expensive PPO for 2007 and would wait to do the test then.

Then we proceeded to just live. My period came and went at the end of November. I relaxed knowing we would be doing something constructive in the near future and focused on preparing for my favorite holiday.

On this day last year, I was having tea with Eileen. I had not been feeling my best the previous week. I felt bloated, tired, a little green around the edges sometimes, and had to pee every five minutes (at least, it felt that often). During tea I confided to Eileen and wistfully said, “I really wish I were pregnant. These are the same signs from past pregnancies. I would prefer not to go through the torment that is in vitro.” She agreed that this would be a preferable, happier outcome.

After tea I came home to a letter from our landlords asking us to vacate the house by mid-February. This was completely unexpected. We knew the house was intended for their son someday, but we had the impression that “someday” was years off. Yet we’d also been talking about moving, because the house was one room shy of enough space for a child. Well, this was a fortuitous kick in the pants to get started, because…

I still had one pregnancy test left from the last package. That night on a whim I took it. My attitude was: Well, I may as well use this up. I’m not pregnant, I’m sure, but what the heck. Then I saw. TWO LINES!!! Holy macaroni! Oh, the confirmation line wasn’t strong, but it was there. I was stunned. I ran into the other room waving the wand in Husband’s face. He was tentatively thrilled. We agreed, though, that we’d act like this wasn’t a big deal and say nothing until after we’d passed eight weeks (the latest I’d miscarried). But my oh my, look what a present I ended up with!

Later in the week I took two more home pregnancy tests, each with a stronger result. Then one day I had cramping and spotting. I resigned myself to the probability of miscarriage. It turned out that was implantation bleeding, and this was a good thing. We departed for Syracuse to spend holiday with family, and upon arriving home December 30th, morning sickness arrived full-blown and all day long. (We house-hunted throughout that time. You don’t think Pixie will be hearing about that in later years, do you?) It wasn’t until we saw the OB in my 11th week that we fully relaxed into the reality of this, but we didn’t share the news with family officially until after week 12 (some from my side guessed during the holidays at week 6, but we did not discuss it), and with the rest of the world until after week 18. It was very difficult to remain mum about this, but I’m glad we did; it made the sharing quite enjoyable.

So this year, I’ve decided I want a million dollars. Just one million will do. šŸ˜‰

(Not really. I wrote about what I want for Christmahanakwanzayule.)

In closing, how fitting, then, that this evening I’ll attend the baby shower for my friend Nathania, who knew about my pregnancy losses, my fear, my hope and my joy, and who in her second trimester assisted my labor and the arrival of Bean.

Can’t Talk Now. Sleeping. (I Wish)

My darling dumpling daughter is waking around 4:15 a.m. the past few days. I’m taking those feedings. It makes for a long day, even if I get a nap, which I don’t usually.

I’m grateful my MIL is cooking or I’d starve and be much crankier. I also think my exhaustion is related to PMS (I didn’t miss that when pregnant!).

Anyhow, other than the painfully early arising, Bean is adorable. We stopped the transition to the regular formula and the next day she was cheerful again. Today I made her giggle! Every day she is more aware and awake, more amazing. She can hold her head steady now. She loves to sit with support. She devours her fingers and is already quite drooly. She can’t be teething yet! Right? Today she grabbed my nose with her hand and wriggled happily when I talked in a funny voice after.

I don’t know what she weighs now, but her 0-3 month clothing fits her just right.

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Today and yesterday I had the California Shopping Experience while looking for three things. (This is my and Husband’s term for the fact that any item one really wants/needs to purchase is destined not to be easily found, because stores here just don’t have the warehouse space to stock things. Two days ago I had to search three stores to find a can of Bean’s formula.) I finally found two of them and a substitute for the third.

The first thing I looked for were two more Zyliss Quick-Blend Shakers. We have two, and I wanted two more — one set to be in the dishwasher at day’s end and another to have the next day’s milk. These are handy, because they fit on a blender and mix the hypoallergenic formula well. I finally found them at a Bed Bath & Beyond in South San Jose (the Santa Clara one where I got the first two didn’t have them anymore). After the second failed attempt I got smart and called a couple stores first. Is it pathetic that I searched so hard for these? Maybe. I know it’s compulsive. Maybe what is pathetic is that I am so pleased to have them.

The other two items I wanted were ingredients for making a soup my brother recently made and emailed about. The recipe calls for Sopressata and Abruzzese sausage, which he said are commonly available. Maybe in Austin, dude! I had to go to two different stores just to find Sopressata last night. Today I went to three stores for the Abruzzese, the last of which was Zanotto’s Italian grocery. I figured they’d have it. Well, they’d never heard of it. However, because it’s family-owned, they give a damn. So the staff researched it on the Internet and came back to tell me it’s a region in central Italy. Zanotto’s owners are from northern Italy (Venice), and I was told different dialects mean that the same thing may be called by several names. In the end I described what I wanted to make and they sold me Salametti, which might do the job just as well. I hope so (though I’ll have to compensate for the absence of the spiciness of Abruzzese). I simmered a chicken carcass and smoked ham shank to make the stock today. The soup itself takes two more days. I hope it’s as sublime as he promised.

Now please say goodnight and wish me sweet dreams, because I’m due to be up in about seven hours.