Category Archives: Motherhood

My Little Ham

It’s been a rough weekend. Claire has manifested some loud and distressing screaming sessions. She sounds like Katherine Turner, Demi Moore, or Marlon Brando (take your pick). Her doctor says there’s a lot of illness focused on the throat that turns into a croup-like cough. She’s tired and pale too. This evening her sweetness returned for awhile. I hope she gets better soon. She behaved like a little martinet all weekend, including today. I wondered if it’s the beginning of terrible toddler tempers, but the doctor thinks it’s just pain and feeling poorly.

Here are some photos I took a couple weeks ago. Claire recently has discovered frowning and likes to do it, but she knows she is being funny and has a hard time keeping a serious face.

consternation 1
consternation 2
consternation 3

Quick Update

Claire’s fever broke on Thursday, and yet she still isn’t quite well. She never fully bloomed into a cold (no sneezing, coughing, runny nose), but her voice is hoarse and she is cranky, cranky, cranky.

Meanwhile, it was 71 degrees today; our average is 59.

Not Alone

On Monday and Tuesday, Claire didn’t seem herself. She clung to me at Little Gym and in music class. She was subdued and had low energy. She seemed fragile. I felt concerned and thought it was probably more teething. Claire woke a lot last night crying; Husband takes care of nights and he comforted her. When I got her this morning she felt warm. She had a fever, and I called the doctor because it was 102. They had us come in and did a quick exam. No ear infection, everything looked okay except her throat. It was red. The doctor said it was probably a cold presenting first with a fever. (Most of Claire’s colds have started with sneezing.) She spent most of the day in my arms, though she did nap three hours in her crib too. When she awoke from that her fever was 103. We’re giving her acetaminophen to help with the discomfort.

Ironically, today was my day to bring snack to preschool. I’d baked sweet potato bread and bought whole wheat crackers. It figures, on the day we miss class! I called my friend A (Fia’s mom) who is also in the class, and she picked it all up on the way, sparing me an extra trip with a cranky child. Later another friend called to check in and offered to pick up milk and juice at Safeway for me.

After that, Claire’s babysitter came by and ran an errand to the post office and grocery for me (because of course I’d forgotten them on the earlier list). The sweet thing is, she didn’t want me to pay her for her time. I was not comfortable with this, since I do want to compensate her properly. I could appreciate her kindness, however, so I suggested I’d donate her wage to Feeding America instead, and we settled on that.

It feels so reassuring to know people who can assist in a pinch, and just being checked on feels all warm and fuzzy.

My mood the past few days has been rather low for reasons I hadn’t pinpointed, but now that Claire is sick I wonder if it was a little mother’s intuition that not all was right. Also, I was without internet access for the day — the router was down — and learned something: I didn’t die! 😉

One of the reasons for my mood is connected to my own ego. The thing that does worry me is how to help Claire negotiate life. We go on playdates with other kids or to classes, and other kids are just much bigger or more aggressive. It’s all age-appropriate behavior. I’m not saying Claire doesn’t try to take a toy from someone else sometimes. But she does have passive quality in her response to things; when other kids take a toy from her or hit her, she lets it happen and looks perplexed. Occasionally she will follow the child around to get the toy back (without succeeding) or will cry, but usually she just looks a little helpless. I struggle with a desire to overprotect. I also struggle with my own memories and pain from being a very petite and passive kid; I was a target for bullies, and I got plenty of their attention. I remind myself not to project onto Claire, but I do wonder how I’m going to do this part of parenting.

I feel today that Life was nudging me to stop. Stop rushing through my tasks, my lists. Stop wasting time on cyberspace. Stop and listen to music and breathe. Claire spent a lot of the day in my arms. She napped three hours in the crib and cuddled the rest of the time. She’s exceptionally affectionate today — saying “I kiss you” and giving kiss after kiss. It feels sweet, and it also pokes my heart a little because I’m sure it’s an expression of need and appreciation while she feels unwell.

And now I should tuck myself in if I hope to be All Things Nurturing all day tomorrow.

Play All Day

It’s late. Here’s this week’s work for Creative Every Day. This is one of the things I do all day. Every day. Don’t let the brevity of my text lead you to think I dislike this or find it a chore. I enjoy each day, even if I do find it a little challenging to keep thinking up new stuff to draw (or to keep repeating the same thing because Claire’s focused on it. For example, one day it was the letter X. She wanted me to write X all the time.) No, the shortness of this post (in terms of word count) has to do with my level of exhaustion. In this case, several pictures are worth several hundred (or thousand) words!

play 1
play 2
play 3
play 4
play 5
play 6

And here is what the bottle fairy looks like! (Created on the fly. No pun intended.) We’ve been telling Claire about her. She can say who it is when she sees the picture, and she says “Bye-bye bottle” when asked what the fairy does. I don’t know that she comprehends what is really coming, though. Time will tell. I’m waiting on delivery of the item that the fairy will leave. I also need to get to a point of mentally committing to doing this, and to let go of my attachment to this particular way of being intimate. We have many many other cuddles and intimate times. She’s getting almost too big to hold like a baby anymore.

the bottle fairy

If Only I Were A Ladybug

Husband is a researcher. For months he has diligently tracked the housing market to see if house prices will enter a range we can afford. In the past couple of weeks, we have taken field trips to various parks in San Jose neighborhoods to see if we like the area, and to see what our money could buy. Unfortunately, this also means a much longer commute for Husband. He works in Mountain View, although this is not a given forever. Yet we cannot afford to buy a house north of Santa Clara.

So far, we’ve learned that the house we want (about 1,400-1,700 square feet, two baths, and a small yard) we can’t afford in certain neighborhoods (or we can only afford a town home, but those rarely have yards), and the houses priced so that we could buy are in neighborhoods that are run down or downright scary. It still galls me that $500,000 can only buy a shack. But we will continue to look, to eliminate areas and narrow down a few regions we might afford. Then we’ll see what happens to the market. It continues to move in our favor, but we’re still talking scads of money. Since we already pay $2,200 a month for rent — and since we know it will go up again this year — we might be better off at least getting some equity built up (though it will take many, many years for that to happen).

I took the photo below at the San Francisco Zoo. If only my housing issues were as simple as a ladybug’s. This looks like an inviting place.

sf zoo leaves 1

Stealing A Moment (At 16 Months)

While Claire naps (fitfully today, I might add), I’m going to crank out a post about her.

First of all, her language acquisition is amazing. When asked what a rooster says, she replies with “Cocka do do!” When she eats food she likes, she says, “Mmmm, ‘licious!” (for delicious). She is game to try saying any word or phrase and often comes very close. She always asks, “Doing?” and we describe what we are doing to her. She is saying short sentences, such as “Mommy brush hair,” or “Daddy go potty.” Her fourth molar is nearly through completely, thank goodness. Then we’ll have cut the four canine teeth and then some peace until the last molars come in around 24-36 months.

She has quite a will, and it shows in several ways. For example, in the first year of her life, on rare occasions we would go upstairs to watch a PBS show called Between the Lions. It’s a language show featuring a muppet-like family of lions that run a library. (The pun is twofold — you go between the lions into the library, and you can read between the lines to understand more.) Anyhow, she had seen it maybe ten times in her first year. About five days ago, Claire stood at the bottom of the stairs, pointed up and demanded, “Lions! Lions!” and made her lion roar. When we understood what she wanted, we took her up to watch an episode. Now it’s a daily request. It doesn’t matter if she’s seen the episode before; repetition is how kids learn, after all. So I figure 30 minutes a day won’t hurt. We watch with her, although we do this in part because the room is NOT child-proofed. I also reserve the right to say no, but this usually creates a tantrum.

I also recently introduced crayons and a spiral drawing book. (I tried the toddler crayons, but her hands are too small to hold them, and she prefers the regular shape anyhow.) Several times a day Claire requests “Crayons! Crayons!” I take them out and draw pictures for her, then write out the word. She says, “Again!” and “Drawing, writing.” She tries to scribble and is still working on her grip. Her grandparents gave her wooden blocks with letters, and more than making towers, she loves to have us spell out words with them. Her other grandma gave her a Leapfrog game (but it cost much less than the Amazon price) that resembles a computer (she is dying for one of ours) that teaches letters and sounds. Several months ago, Claire knew the letters O, Q, T and X; since Christmas, she has learned to identify A, B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, R, S, W and Z. I’ve lost track of her vocabulary, but it’s large.

The last area where her will is formidable is the milk in the bottle issue. She still refuses milk in a sippy cup. She still wants to take milk in a bottle with only me holding her. She can produce a huge tantrum if other options are offered. So, I’ve got a plan. Did you know there is a bottle fairy? She comes to children who are ready to drink milk out of cups and takes away all the bottles and leaves a gift! (A mother at preschool told me this idea, which she said worked with her 19-month-old.) I talked to our pediatrician, and she loved the idea; she thinks it’s a gentler way to introduce the transition (though there will still probably be tears). She suggested I talk about this to Claire for a couple weeks; tell her about the fairy, show pictures (which I will have to draw), and build it up. The gift that the fairy will bring is a rocking horse. At the holiday party last weekend, Claire monopolized the rocker there, and since then she has tried to rock on every type of rocker she has seen at the park and preschool. Rocking soothes her (she does it a lot even without a rocker). I couldn’t find one locally I liked, so I ordered one from Little Tikes.

I will say this: she has relatively few tantrums, and usually it’s due to a thwarted desire and not to frustration over being misunderstood. We have the good fortune that she speaks as many words as she does and that she enunciates so well. It could be worse!

We adore her so much!

Family Traditions

We have family we are born into, and we have family we create, and since our culture beckons us to wander in search of better opportunities, we are often far from our born family at holiday time; so we turn to celebrating with our intentional families. Today was such a gathering. The core of the group is three men who’ve known each other many years. They met “back in the day” at college and at their first professional job. They’ve seen each other through flush times and rough times, called-off engagements and divorces, the death of a parent, cross-country moves, weddings, and the births of their first children. Husband, M, and S, and those “born to” family members nearby this holiday gathered to feast and catch up today. Claire, as usual, loved the party. She is a smiley ray of sweet charm. She managed to rise to the occasion despite the discomfort of two molars pushing through (but they are almost done, thank goodness).

me and a wiggleworm

Year In Review

I usually recap the previous year by posting the first sentence written here for each month. Here is the one for 2007. I thought I’d done it previous years to that, but I can’t find it in the archives.

January: My day isn’t over yet.

February: Claire napped four times yesterday, only 30 minutes each.

March: From an email I wrote to a friend who has several children (but it was also me talking to myself and thus worth it to me to post):
Please tell me the fact that my daughter isn’t sitting unassisted at six months is okay.

April: I’ll face reality.

May: I originally knit a baby hat and an adult hat.

June: This was a work weekend.

July: I made Claire’s hat and trusted the pattern.

August: The simplicity of this photo belies the amazing life activity that is constantly occurring within.

September: Claire is an amazing little person.

October: My good friend Ambrosia just welcomed her little girl, Gwendolyn Rose, at 6:33 this morning.

November: This year, my efforts with AEDM will probably be simple, the result of quickie creativity cobbled together from stolen moments.

December: Today was Claire’s first day at the parent-participation preschool session.

All Through The House

After reading three different versions of The Night Before Christmas about 20 times each today (which I did willingly and happily), sweet Claire is now asleep. She is too young to understand who Santa is or what Christmas is really about, but our little parrot spent the day repeating Santa and (with prompting) Merry Christmas. It comes out sounding more like Mewy Cwithmah. Quite charming!

She sampled two spoons of my clam chowder. A simple supper of French bread and clam chowder on Christmas Eve is a family tradition from my childhood which Husband has enjoyed adopting. As I write this, I’m listening to the radio, a classical music station with symphonic Christmas music. A small glass of eggnog is at my side. Husband is upstairs wrapping the rest of his presents to me. All of the others are wrapped.

I’ve also explored Norad Tracks Santa. It’s a lot of fun even for adults. Click on the small presents and a little box with a photo of the location pops up. There are places — little atolls and countries — that I never knew existed. There’s also video footage of Santa traveling and a narrative about what he’s doing. Oh! I must remember to leave out cookies and a glass of milk for Santa too.

Sweet dreams of sugar plums, everyone!

Change In An Instant

I just learned today that my good friend who has a two-month-old baby (Baby G) was in a bad car accident on Saturday. Her baby is fine and so is her husband, but she was moved to a hospital in Oakland for surgery. She has a smashed kneecap, a smashed tibia, a broken rib, and a broken collarbone (which needs a pin put in). She’s in surgery today for her knee and collarbone. At the end of the week she may go home if she can maneuver herself into a wheelchair, but if not, she’ll have to go to a rehab facility for awhile. Her came mother-in-law came from out of town and is watching the baby right now.

She called me today to let me know and unburden herself. We’d given our infant car seat to them, and that was what Baby G was in when the accident occurred. It will need to be replaced, and she said they’d be getting the same one. My friend was trying to be brave, to focus on the fact it could have been so much worse. Yes, it could have been, yet it is also pretty bad right now. She is without her child. She is pumping her milk in an attempt not to lose it. She has a long road to physical healing. She will have to somehow care for her baby and herself once she’s home, and she’ll need a lot of support (professional and informal friend support).

It’s the kind of thing that happens all the time to someone. It’s just not someone I know. So I’m a little aquiver from the news.

Manifestation

It’s been entirely too long since I’ve sat down to write. Claire’s four molars are still cutting, and when she’s awake she is clingy with me. But she has changed remarkably — every day there is greater comprehension, and we are astonished. I want to make a note of this, so here’s a quick list.

  • One morning, I pulled out her construction trucks puzzle and noticed the concrete mixer piece was missing. I commented on this, saying I wondered where it went. Immediately Claire began digging into a basket full of stuffed animal toys and pulled out the piece. Maybe she put it there the previous day for some reason?
  • Claire increasingly asks “Doing?” as she watches us. Sometimes she’ll say “Mommy doing?” (or Daddy), and we’ll describe what it is we are doing: loading the dishwasher, eating lunch, reading mail, etc.
  • She has cute little one-piece footed pajamas; one of them has pigs all over. As I dressed her the other night, she began to kiss the piggies. Claire loves to kiss: pictures of animals in books, her stuffed animals, Stella cat, us, her friends. She’d kiss dogs and cats she meets if we’d let her. I’ve never seen such an affectionate child.
  • Speaking of affection, I had special moment with her the other morning. I was sitting on the kitchen floor where we’d been playing. Claire had walked away but I hadn’t stood up yet. I was resting. My back was toward her, and she walked up to me. She leaned against my back, nuzzled her head against my neck, and patted my arm. It was a deliberate moment of expressed affection that she initiated. It was the first time, and I just wanted to hold her forever and kiss her to pieces for that.
  • Claire is game to say any word or phrase if you say, “Can you say [fill in the blank]?” We always say “I love you” to each other and to her, and the other day I asked her if she could say that. And she did (slightly garbled but still). I think she understands what this means too, because once I said “I love you” to her and she came over to give me a kiss. Another time, when I was putting her down for a nap, I said it, and she said it in response.
  • Claire also likes to play a game called “I gitchoo!” She walks around saying this, and I chase her on my hands and knees while she runs away squealing. Then she turns and runs towards me so I can “get her,” which results in squeals of delight. I hug, kiss, and tickle her, and she loves it. She initiates this game often.
  • Peering around corners or furniture and saying, “I see you!” is another game she likes to play. And if she can stand on anything (even a book), she likes to announce that she is “up high” over and over again.
  • Until recently, according to Claire dogs said “Bow.” In that past two days, she says dogs go “bow wow.” And she calls them dogs now (where “bow” was the word for dog and their sound).

There is more, but this is all I can think of right now.

I’ve created a problem situation for us, however. Over time, Claire has come to drink milk only from a bottle and only lying in my arms. I had not pushed getting to milk in a sippy cup (she drinks water from a sippy) because she was so small and ate so little that I wanted to be sure she got a good amount of calories daily. I was supposed to have her off bottle by the time she turned 15 months. (But then the handout I was given at that appointment said to have them off the bottle by 18 months, and I’ve heard some children don’t give up the bottle until 24 months. However, the pediatrician said to get her off by 18 months, and Husband wants to follow that.)

Anyhow, any time we offer milk in a sippy a terrible storm occurs. She screams, cries, stomps her feet, bangs her head on stuff, rolls on the ground, and is generally inconsolable. Since her molars have been cutting, she has increased her use of the bottle for comfort. She often demands milk and walks to the kitchen. She will only drink it if I hold her (handing her the bottle is unacceptable); sometimes she drinks a significant amount but usually she has only 2-3 ounces. I do continually offer milk in a sippy cup (we’ve tried several types and brands), but she rejects it.

I keep rationalizing. Her mouth hurts, she needs comfort. It’s the holidays, I don’t want to have a lousy Christmas with temper tantrums. Her grandma is coming for a week at the end of the month, I want to wait until after that. My friend and her daughter, Fia, are returning January 8 from a trip. She’d offered to take the bottles and store them to keep temptation out of reach. So Husband and I agreed we would take the bottles away on January 10th. I know that the longer I wait the more set in her ways she becomes. It’s going to be rough for however long it takes. I talk to her about being a big girl and not a baby anymore, and about how big girls use cups. Several times she has said “Baby! Baby!” and clung to me. And believe me, we have a lot of cuddle time during the day. It’s not as though losing the bottle will mean losing cuddle. I’ve even held her while offering the cup, but this is met with an arched back and screaming.

As with the napping in the crib, Claire and I have to negotiate this. It starts with me acting like the adult, like the… oh my gosh, the parent.

and then what happened?

Soup For Dinner

We were so busy today. Claire loves to “cook soup” and pretend to eat off the spoon. I take sips from the spoon too. She then feeds her stuffed animals. Every time she has a taste she says, “mmMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmm!” She looks so proud of herself when she stirs. This afternoon she plunked herself in the pot, and I had the presence of mind to grab the camera.

claire soup

P.S. I opted for the nap — got 50 minutes of a light doze. There are still walnuts with my name written on them, and they will soon find their way down my gullet.

What To Do, What To Do?

Claire finally went down for a nap. I now can:

a) take a snooze on the sofa myself.
b) try to accomplish the 12,345 things on my list.
c) eat some sugared walnuts to manage stress.
d) b & c

There are no other choices. Pick one. The answer is worth 100 points.