Category Archives: Motherhood

Where I Worship

Karen has an interesting post about the altars at which she does not worship and provides a photo of the one that is central in her life. It got me thinking. Years ago I created an altar with items of personal significance. (On the right sits a fertility goddess that I made November 2006, a few weeks before I conceived Claire.) I used to light a candle and incense at this altar. Since moving to our most recent residence, it sits unused on top of a bookcase at the top of a staircase. It never gets used. And since Claire’s arrival, it wears a shawl of dust. Here is a photo of it (Husband’s face has been blurred out to respect his privacy):

altar

After reading Karen’s post, I was inspired to share my real altar.

my real altar

I pray at this altar, where I learn to be patient and humble and compassionate, where I have the privilege of caring for the best gift Life has entrusted to me.

Busy Weekend, Then Back to Work

Tomorrow my “vacation” ends, and Husband’s vacation begins — both of us will be going back to work. His vacation is from me and from full-time waiting on two demanding females. 😉 My break was the two weeks of healing from surgery, and I’m mostly mobile. We’ll see how I fare tomorrow!

Yesterday we went to an open house in an area of San Jose we rather like, and then we drove up to Hayward to purchase a used Schwinn recumbent stationary bike for me. When we got home we realized it’s a few inches too long for the space we thought it would fit, so we had a long discussion about our stuff and how much house we need in the future. We also talked about how much house we can afford and looked hard at the numbers in several scenarios. We came away with a better sense of our priorities.

Today we toured seven different model homes in Fremont and Morgan Hill. All of them were vertical (three townhomes and four houses), and my knee communicated its displeasure at the end of the day. However, we saw some things that have potential. Then around 6:30 we met some friends at Choi’s Korean restaurant. The girls had fun eating the glass noodles and other food, and it was good to get out with friends. We’re all tired out. Claire is just going to bed now, and we hope dearly that she will sleep long and well. We rarely miss bedtime (8 p.m.), but now and then a special occasion is okay. She is a really patient and cooperative child while we wander through homes every weekend.

Self-Care Progress

In 2008 I let many aspects of self-care slide, so I endeavor to do better this year. I didn’t make any resolutions. I just made a list of the appointments I had not accommodated last year and set out to get them scheduled and accomplished. As of this date I have achieved the following:

  • Eye exam (new Rx)
  • Dental cleaning (with the next one scheduled)
  • Mammogram (all clear)
  • Knee repair (in progress)
  • Annual exam/bloodwork (all fine)

The first quarter of the year hasn’t passed yet and I’ve done a lot! In fact, I don’t think I have any other major health issues requiring visits to professionals. I’m not due for a pap smear until next year, and all my immunizations are up-to-date.

Next on the list for self-care is to exercise more, lose some weight, and find a group with whom to meditate (perhaps the Kannon Do Zen Center). I also may, if our lives aren’t upended by moving chaos, manage to attend the Mother’s Plunge Retreat in June.

Somewhere in all of this exercising and meditating I will slip in the occasional knitting project, or a drawing or collage, perhaps a little poem writing, and as always, something to read.

So Far This Week

It’s been a low-key week so far. I wasn’t my usual social self; in fact, I’ve been a little cross now and then. I had an upset GI tract on Monday, a small bout of flu or something. Aunt LP was a huge help to Husband while I was knocked out much of the time, and Claire adored her. We did get to visit a little, but as I wasn’t the most chipper host I’m sure my company left something to be desired. 🙂 She left this afternoon, and I’m wishing her good travels. Her flight was delayed and left her with no connections from Houston to Austin (spring break, SXSW events), so I’m hoping she got a standby flight.

I got my stitches out on Tuesday. I had two tears in the meniscus. One was large and folded under; it caused the most damage. I have arthritis in the area now. I start physical therapy tomorrow for six weeks. I can put 100 percent weight on my leg for short amounts of time, but it tires easily. Heck, I tire easily. I seem to have no energy. I stopped taking the narcotic painkillers on Saturday, but I still feel a little loopy and off-balance. I won’t be driving a car until I’m off crutches, which is probably around March 28. Husband will be off the rest of this week and all of next taking care of us. He’s been amazing.

Claire has bonded a lot more with her Daddy than ever before. He takes her out every day for an hour or two at a park, which has done him a lot of good as well. She cries for me and has tantrums when I’m not available, but I’ve noticed she’s become his little buddy and helper too. Her vocabulary continues to grow and her sentences become more varied and complex. She’s going through another growth spurt or something. One day she basically ate all day in large amounts, had a long nap, and this morning she slept in until 7 a.m. I swear she looks different from one week ago.

Aftermath

The surgery was fine. I had no issue with anesthesia. Yay me!

Turned out that I had two tears in my medial meniscus. One of them had actually bent in on itself, so the cartilage was folded under. The surgeon also smoothed a little of the cartilage under my kneecap, though since it doesn’t grow back he didn’t want to do too much. Removal of cartilage such as the meniscus sets the stage for arthritis. Oh, I also have some arthritis in the area already from walking on this untreated for nearly two years. Ah well. On the upside, having the removal done instead of a repair means I’m off crutches within two weeks instead of on them for four.

Claire is fine. The babysitter arrived while she ate an early lunch, so she knew Mommy and Daddy were leaving. I managed to put her down for a nap at 11:30 a.m.; then we left. She slept two hours! When I got home she wasn’t clingy or upset. She’d had a grand time with A and enjoyed the new toys I’d left for her. She was curious about my crutches — indeed, she wants to walk off with them. She also wanted to crawl on top of me as I laid on the couch, but we told her I have a big ouchie boo-boo. She seems to understand this a bit.

Husband took good care of all of us. Two friends brought over a little care package of yummy bath goodies, a knitting magazine, and magazine cookbood for slow cookers and casseroles. The pictures are fun to look at. I can’t quite focus my eyes. The surgeon called to see how I’m doing, so my work here is done! I’ve been dozing on the couch in a haze of hydrocodone. I’m too tired to resist its serenade, so I’ll sign off here.

Oh, and happy anniversary, Husband. We’ve been married four years!

In The Shop

I’m going “into the shop tomorrow” — my surgery is at 1:15 p.m. Here’s hoping it all goes smoothly and that I’m soon pain-free and mobile again.

I’ve been in a somewhat dark and tight mental space in the past week. Concerns about surgery, the outcome, and a certain loneliness from a disconnected friendship have contributed to a sense of isolation. I reached my limit with Claire one morning and boy, was that a little loud and scary! Husband agreed I need more “free” time, and we are figuring out how that will work. And hey, what are cupboard doors for if not to shut them firmly and vigorously now and then?

Heh. As of tomorrow afternoon, I’ll have a lot of free time for a few days. I’ve got a pile of books and all my knitting gear by my bed. Aunt LP arrives Saturday evening. I’m excited about this, though I’m not sure she knows what she’s getting into!

We went to the park this afternoon, where I took a zillion photos and videos since I finally remembered to pack the camera. It was mid-60s, sunny, breezy, and I was rejuvenated. Claire is such an explorer! And I love her more and more and more.

she is beautiful

Changing My (Diaper) Bag

Sometimes what’s needed is a small change. For 18 months I lugged around the huge black diaper bag, and in the first year it served well, because I carried a lot of stuff around for Claire (and it became my purse too). I never left the house with Claire without also bring the black bag. It held diapers, wipes, blankets, snacks, bottles, sippy cups, extra clothes for Claire, my wallet and cell phone, tampons, a pen and notepad, diaper changing pad, and antibacterial wipes.

Lately I need less and less stuff for Claire. And frankly, I’ve gotten much less concerned about things like carrying a diaper changing pad or the entire contents of my refrigerator. Most places have changing stations and disinfecting wipes can clean off the surfaces just as well. As for food, she’s able to get by on crackers and fruit if she needs a snack while we’re out, and since she has almost all her teeth now, she can eat regular food with the best of us.

So when I was out this evening running errands (which is what often sadly qualifies as “me time”), I happened to wander down an aisle at Walgreens and saw small tote bags. One was all pink and girly, another was black with pink lips all over it, and then there was the cute little ladybug bag. It was $5.99, and on a whim I bought it. Someday, when I’m done using it as a diaper bag I will — if it is still in one piece — use it to tote knitting projects around. For now, it’s much lighter and smaller and yet still carries the essentials. But really, the main thing is that it cheers me, and I feel less like a ox with a yoke.

Husband used to carry the diaper bag, but you can bet that won’t be happening now! It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

changing the diaper bag

Fearless

Claire has a cold, but she’s not so sick that she isn’t restless. Today was better, so in the afternoon we went to a park to romp in the sunshine. She’s getting more coordinated each day, and climbs like a little monkey on all the play structures — even the ones designed for 7-12 year olds. It was around rush hour when Caltrain runs a lot of trains; we were near the station, and she was transfixed by the horn every time she heard it.

So we went to the station, where we saw four trains go by. One was a Union Pacific double-engine chugging slowly up and down the track for no apparent reason. One was a local train that stopped in Santa Clara; the other two were express trains that barreled through at 70 miles an hour. It is a sight and sound to behold! Tons and tons of steel roar past, creating a wind suction that would knock a child over. Claire was in her stroller and I put my arm around her; I was concerned this experience would frighten her.

Her response: “Big train! Big train! Toot!” This was followed by her usual monologue spoken in Claireish with an occasional word I recognize. She was intensely interested. I, on the other hand, find these roaring trains exciting and terrifying, in part because I am capable of imagining dreadful things (which I try to avoid).

I have my own train to face in a few days. I do not like undergoing general anesthesia. I have an irrational fear that I might not wake up. Again, I do my best not to feed it, but the anxiety hums underneath. I’m also not looking forward to being immobilized, to losing control of the way my house runs, to my daughter crying because I can’t get up to play with her, and to pain.

On the other hand, this is the first time in 18 months that I will have the opportunity to sleep as much as I want and rest. That is a comforting thought. Another comfort is that my playgroup has a program to help moms in need, and people volunteered to bring food during my confinement. We’ll get eight meals from generous mothers.

Too Popular

I have a full life and a full lap! I was trying to knit, but somehow it’s a little difficult to do that when you’re wearing fur and little people. Lots more photos and videos up on Flickr for family and friends to see.

mommy's too popular for her own good