Tag Archives: colic

Asked And Answered

My mother-in-law is coming back to assist. She was willing to come as soon as tomorrow. Despite the fact she also plans to fly to Kansas for Thanksgiving to see her other son from November 20-28, she was willing to come here first and then return to us after that trip. Husband and I decided we could muddle through until the 26th, and she’ll move her departure from Kansas up a couple of days. She’ll be coming for an indefinite stay. Who knows? Since she’d planned to come for ten days at Christmastime, she may just end up staying the whole month.

Soon the weekend will be here. I just need to cope with today, tomorrow and Friday. Next week Husband plans (we hope) to take Monday and Wednesday off, and I can see if a friend can spell me on Tuesday. Then he’ll be off the remainder of next week for the holiday, and before we know it, the 26th will arrive.

I feel encouraged and relieved, and much less depressed and anxious.

I know I’ve got to come to grips with my role as a mother. I’m the adult, after all. But this is a relationship unlike any other; I’m a little long in the tooth and had years to become comfortable with having my way and only taking care of myself. So having some help through this growth spurt is much appreciated.

One of the things I’ll need to embrace is that I’ve got the child I’ve got, and she’s so young it’s too soon to draw conclusions. Maybe she’s a fiery personality and I’ll have my hands very full the rest of my life. Or maybe it’s just that she’s not been on this earth even 70 days yet, and her nervous system is immature, and/or she may naturally have ultra-acute senses, and that she’ll grow into a more settled state (like everyone keeps promising). This little person may simply need to be kept company while she thrashes her way through life (if indeed that’s how she needs to do it), and if I can step back from fear of “doing it wrong” and release resistance to not having my way, maybe I can see more clearly how to provide that. Rather than feel vexed that I can’t soothe her (so as to have a calm life and support my wish to feel competent), I can smile at her with the wisdom of having been alive much longer and feel less desperately helpless. She needs room to be herself and a mother who can tell the difference between mother and daughter.

What Have I Given Birth To?

The witching hour is back. What appeared to be an improvement with Zantac has disappeared. At this moment she is screaming in her crib while I take a momentary break to keep my sanity. She is hoarse from crying most of the afternoon. She did sleep a lot this morning and a bit this afternoon (interspersed with crying). She fights her sleep. I try to make sure not to keep her awake too long between sleep sessions: she wakes hungry, she gets fed, changed, played with a very short time, and as soon as she shows drowsy signs, I try to soothe her. It worked a little earlier in the afternoon, though she would not sleep in her crib alone more than 30-40 minutes. However, as the afternoon progressed the crying increased. She thrashes in my arms whether swaddled or not. She does not respond to soft humming or soft or loud shushing sound. She will calm momentarily and start to drift into sleep and then become alert and start crying, screaming, and thrashing while in my arms. If my friend had not come over to visit today and spell me a little while I think I’d be screaming and thrashing right now too.

It’s manifestly clear that she’s exhausted. She’s fed, clean, dry, held lovingly. She is not ill. I’m helpless. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help her get sleep. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m alienated. I’m having a hard time focusing on empathy for her and letting go of my ego-driven desire to have a child who is more convenient and less a mystery. Less challenging. Less difficult. I’m having difficulty keeping her company whatever she is going through. In this moment I do not want this relationship, this job, this vocation of mothering and motherhood. I’m insecure and scared and have standards I can’t live up to. And I plain don’t like being helpless and ignorant and watching someone I love suffer.

I’m going to leave comments open, but please, no advice, or suggestions that start with Have you tried….

I think I need help. I need extra hands and arms and someone who has experience being a parent. I’m going to talk with Husband about asking his mother to come back. She’s coming for Christmas December 20-30, and I feel like asking more is an imposition and also a sign that at 44 I still can’t fucking handle responsibility, and am shying away from being a grown-up, and that I had no business procreating. And oh my, this is my life now, and the rest of my life.

A Rough Time

Inexplicably, Claire is not sleeping again, and she’s so overtired she’s hysterical. This hysteria is frightening to witness. We are doing all the things we usually try and it’s not helping. So the hysteria begets more exhaustion which begets more hysteria. Sometimes she will sleep in our arms, but more often as soon as she drifts off she startles at nothing and begins crying again. Her appetite seems good, but who the hell knows when that will change?

The doctor has no advice. No one has advice. And while it’s well-intentioned, I don’t want advice. I just want it to improve. I just want her to feel better. I just want her to be happy and rested. Oh, and I’d like to be happy and rested and have a cheerful child. And I don’t know if or when this will happen. And unless you plan to come live with us and help out, all the advice means zero. Though I do appreciate the sympathy that would prompt it.

Parenting is scary.

Comments are off so the temptation to leave advice is removed. I just need to express what’s going on.