Revved Up

Today Bean hardly napped. She was clearly tired and often rubbed her eyes. (What a pretty mess that made when she had sweet potatoes on her fingers!)

We went to music class, and she recognized the room and the teacher. She loved being there, smiling and participating the whole time. She dozed briefly on the ride home. I tried twice to get her to nap. The second time she was so wiggly and hyper I thought maybe she just needed to unwind in her crib. She cried lustily for many minutes before I decided it was pointless.

The rest of the day and into the evening she spent rolling all over the floor. She raised her butt in the air and got her toes positioned in a Downward Dog kind of pose (for only a second or two). She discovered the electrical outlets (which are protected, but still). I swear, she’ll sleep tonight and all that’s been developing will integrate and she’ll be crawling tomorrow morning. I was concerned she was overtired and wouldn’t sleep, but she fell quickly into a deep sleep for her father. We also lowered her crib mattress one level. She is now starting to get to her knees, and today she seriously eyed a dining chair with the clear intent to attempt pulling up (but she’s not “quite there” yet). Since she’s discovered looking over the edge of things fascinates her, we decided it would be safer if she couldn’t get on her knees and look over the edge of the crib rail. Even if she’s not pulling up yet, the potential for rapid development exists. Better safe than sorry!

Is it normal for children to forgo naps when they are transitioning into a new skill or developmental level? She also ate a ton (well, for her it was a lot).

One of the new encounters she had today was with her first Zwieback toast.

I’d say she liked it, wouldn’t you?

Mr. Rogers I Am Not

It occurs to me that I don’t always exhibit kindness. In fact, I can be a defensive, judgmental, argumentative, entitled, and angry person. I had an encounter just now that showed me this. It’s not how I want to be. Let me put it this way: I’m not very graceful when things go wrong and it’s my fault. I become defensive and argumentative. When I was a therapist, I was able to help others; I had perspective. But when it comes to my own self, I’m still reactive sometimes. This reactivity comes from a very primitive place.

When will I learn to be different?

Turning Seven Months Old

When Bean was born, all helpless and uncoordinated, I had difficulty imagining she’d have control over her body someday. And now, seven months later, the child is rocking (gets on hands and knees and rocks as if revving her engine) and rolling all over the place. She’s just a week or two away from crawling, I think. She also sits by herself!

She has discovered that she likes oatmeal cereal, green beans, sweet potatoes, peas, carrots, bananas, and apples. There are many more foods to try, and we’ll gradually introduce them. Her first tooth (lower front left) has almost entirely emerged.

Most nights, Bean is able to sleep ten hours straight. We’ve found that putting her to bed at 8:00 p.m. means she’ll wake at 6:00 or 6:30 a.m., which I am completely happy with (as is Husband, who now gets a full night’s sleep).

Bean’s gaze will follow the direction of where something goes if it’s dropped. She’s also fascinated by looking over the edges of things, and we’ll need to be suitably vigilant about watching her! If she’s looking elsewhere, she more often turns toward us when we say her name, which means she’s beginning to recognize her name now.

She enjoys knocking blocks over or a game of “knock the ball off the cup tower”; her ability to make things happen delights her.

Her vocabulary of sounds is growing more complex and varied. She loves being mimicked. She enjoys being sung to. She also likes books, being read to, and has begun to turn the pages when we read (usually in the correct direction).

Bean continues to enjoy the playground swings. I haven’t put her facing outward in the stroller since the attempt at five months of age. We decided to continue using the infant seat until she could sit up unassisted (which meant a few months more of face-to-face interaction on walks!).

Anywhere we go, people stop and talk to her, and she smiles and sometimes speaks. People are tickled that Bean is so cheerful and sweet and comment on how happy and adorable she is. She is a friendly child, and not at all shy.

Bean now naps in her crib — not always long naps, but usually a minimum of 30-45 minutes and sometimes up to an hour and 20 minutes. She still enjoys the swing, although she’s perhaps outgrowing it.

i think i've outgrown the swing (cropped)

Bean is very much a mommy’s girl these days. In the evenings when Husband comes home, the transition can be a little rough because she’s tired and clingy with me. She adores him, grins hugely and wriggles with joy whenever she lays eyes on him, but apparently I am her rock of safety and her comfort. Our usual habit is now to eat dinner and to have her sit with us in her high chair. After the meal, we’ll give her a bath if she needs one (Daddy’s job, Mommy dresses her after) and then Husband tucks Bean in for the night. By this time she’s settled in with her Daddy and enjoys cuddling with him.

Happy month 7, Bean Bear!

The Hollow Leg

In case readers wonder (some do, and they’re basically relatives), Bean is much better. She is still snotty and congested, but the sneezing, coughing, fever and vomiting stopped. She’s back on solid foods and seems to be having another growth spurt, because today she ate a 4-ounce jar of peas & brown rice, a 2-ounce and a 4-ounce jar of sweet potatoes, and half a 4-ounce jar of bananas (with oatmeal cereal)! Plus 20 ounces (or so) of milk!

I tremble to think what I will find in her diaper tomorrow.

Right Before Bed

Last night, Husband proposed we just go to bed after we put Bean to bed for the night and read for awhile before turning in. He observed that I looked exceptionally tired. We hadn’t done that in a long time — just relaxing together in bed just prior to sleep. So he read one of his Straight Dope books, while I drew in my journal. My brain was too weary to look at words and think. I needed a non-linear, right-brain activity. Here’s what came out. It was a thoroughly enjoyable way to spend time before sleep.

Journey Into Motherhood / 7×10″ sketch paper with colored marker
Poor Pixie really is sick. She threw up twice yesterday, had a slight fever, and generally felt cruddy. She slept most of the day. Needless to say, we will not attend our first Baby Loves Disco. I was able to give the tickets away, though, so they’re not wasted.

Illustration Friday: Save

Sometimes Flowers Can Save the Day
7×10″ sketch paper with marker

Poor Pixie

My sweet babe just devoured an 8-ounce bottle. I was burping her, and suddenly fountains of milk (and tummy medicine) erupted from her mouth, soaking her and me. I think she regurgitated the entire bottle. This startled her and scared me. She’s only done this twice before when she was very young. I woke Husband. We agreed that if it happens again today we’d call the doctor. He was the recipient of the two previous incidents and said that sometimes the bubble just happens to be on the wrong side of the tummy contents.

She’s also really congested, with a runny nose and sneezes; her stomach is probably full of mucus. So she definitely has a cold as well as the residual effects of the food reaction. She hasn’t got much energy. I put her in the exer-saucer to keep her upright while I got my breakfast, which I do every day. Today she just sat in it and stared at the toys, then stared at me. She’s not very smiley. Right now she’s in the swing and I’m right next to her. When that gets old, I’ll rock her to sleep and very likely just hold her for all naps.

Forward and Backward

Bean is working very hard to crawl. In her attempts to raise her bottom and get to her hands and knees, she does a good job traveling backward, which frustrates her, because it puts distance between her and the object she’s trying to reach.

But sometimes she gets to where she wants to go. She’s fascinated by zippers and very determined to figure out how they work.

In my eagerness to introduce solids, I gave Bean some Stage 1 (well-ground) chicken (commercially prepared baby food). It seems she may have an intolerance at this point. She’s had five poops today and a rash has begun on her bottom. This is similar to when we attempted to transition from hypo-allergenic to regular formula in December. However, she had only one day’s exposure, so I caught it quickly. The doctor recommended to hold off on meat proteins for a couple more months. She also said she often wonders about what’s in the jars; even though the ingredients say, for example, chicken and chicken broth, she wonders if there might be preservatives in there that can irritate. So until the reaction clears up, we’re sticking with peas and brown rice, oat cereal, rice cereal, carrots (not a lot), applesauce, and bananas. Then I’ll continue to introduce one new vegetable at a time and over a period of four days to see. I really don’t want to deal with a lot of food sensivities and allergies, but unfortunately I might just need to accept this possibility; Husband’s got family members who are allergic to pork, beef, tomatoes, yeast, oranges, milk (and some simply have a lactose intolerance). Still, I’m sure we’ll find something to feed her!

When I Say It’s Right Outside Her Window, I Mean It Literally

This truck, as well as the recycling truck, arrive at variable times every Thursday morning and are usually responsible for ruining Bean’s morning nap. This morning, by some fluke, she got a 90 minute nap in before the first truck arrived. She needs another nap but the other one hasn’t come through yet. It’s also impossible to avoid the smell of diesel exhaust even when her window is closed. Fortunately this only happens for about 10 minutes once a week.

We’ve made it a habit to watch the garbage truck since December, and now the garbage man always looks up and waves at us and smiles. She’s fascinated by it all, though cautious about the big noises. The roar of the motor that lifts the cans is louder, even, than the truck engine.

Bean’s got the sneezies and runny nose again, plus a little cough. And a sore bottom (four poops today and all before 10 a.m.); she cried at her last changing and I used Calmoseptine. And maybe another tooth coming in, because she’s a river of drool and chewing on everything.

There Is No Place Too Small

I’m healthy. My daughter thrives. My marriage is happy. The weather is sunny and mild. We’re not in the middle of a mortgage crisis. We can pay our bills. I have a good social network.

So why have I grown tired, sad, and teary over the course of the day? I was prepared to chide myself for ingratitude, but then I remembered. Tomorrow is an anniversary. It’s been three years, but time doesn’t erase the mark completely. I feel fragile right now. (And my daughter has changed –yet again — these past few days; the cues that used to communicate hunger and exhaustion have changed, she’s eating just about every 90 minutes, and I feel off-kilter in my competence.)

I wrote the following poem a couple of years ago regarding the event.

No Place Too Small

It is easy to know how to meld with so much grief.
With joy there is blindness, rose-colored ignorance,
No body to tend, to anchor one to the earth.
When the world remains intact, you move nimbly,
Caressing the surface of things, noticing little.

But grief burrows in.
It needs only the exposed, wounded soul
To dig in as a tick under skin.
Grief bangs around the cellar, shrieking,
behaves unpredictably, hijacking your eyes
When the store clerk asks how you are. Clutching your
throat when you call the dentist’s office for a cleaning.

You walk now among oblivious humans,
an emotional leper
With lesions rotting your heart.
All of existence has its own death,
It too could slip into a tumor-ridden coma
Adorned with catheter tubes,
And gasp last breaths to the sterile beat
Of a monitor, attended by loved ones.

Since there is no place too small
For grief to infiltrate,
You lie down, surrender, pull it
to every cell of your being.
You take orders, as a dog obeys commands
From an owner; you honor and bear it,
And in this way, endure.

–Kathryn Harper

Okay, I Admit It

I’ll face reality. A Mindful Life has become a mommy blog. Actually, it’s more of a diary of my experience; I certainly don’t pontificate on motherhood. As much as I’d like to insist otherwise, the regularity of posts about my new role, and the exclusivity of the topic, are evidence no denial can refute. Occasionally I’ll insert a post about something else, but they rarely garner any comments, and the posts aren’t frequent enough to dilute the mommy flavor. Perhaps someday I’ll write more about other topics, but this is my life now. Bean is my life. There. I’ve confessed, I’ve admitted. I don’t know about you, but I feel better. And now:

Hmm… “C” is for Cat

Not Just Peas, But Carrots Too

At Last, A Finished Object

Knitting hasn’t exactly been a priority in the past half a year. However, I finally finished something.

Two balls of Rowan Cashsoft DK (142 yards), colorway SH510, lot10N4 on size 8 needles

First

Bean’s first tooth has completely broken through, though it has a way to go before it’s fully in. It’s fun to watch her tongue twist and run over it. She’s fascinated with this thing in her mouth.

This afternoon, Bean ate her first entire 4-ounce jar of peas & brown rice. I was impressed.

This afternoon she also managed to get her butt in the air (she was on her tummy) and almost get to her hands and knees. The problem is she hasn’t coordinated how to have both her head up and her butt up. Up goes the bottom, and then her forehead lowers to the floor. Bean is getting stronger each day. It’s perceptible, this solidness and agility.

This afternoon we all went out for a walk at Memorial Park in Cupertino. It’s pretty, with a man-made pond that’s well-landscaped and populated by ducks and geese. Then we took a drive through neighborhoods we’d like to someday live (we harbor a dim hope we could afford to buy a home someday). Lastly, we all went to Great Clips so I could get a trim. She was a hit with the hairdressers and customers. Bean is a curious, cheerful, and confident child. Being with her makes me happy.

Gnawing and Napping Part 2

With the exception of yesterday morning, I’ve been doing very well with the naps and crib this week. Yesterday morning Bean woke after 50 minutes of sleep, and I knew she needed more. I have also figured out that she won’t settle herself back to sleep for naps but will cry as long as I allow it. So I went in to rock her back into slumber, and I ended up holding her for the whole hour, because it felt so good and cuddly.

However, the remainder of her naps were per the norm now. All week the napping in the crib has been mostly successful. Again, I’ve learned that if she falls asleep for at least 30 minutes (e.g., in the car on the way home from somewhere), there’s no point in trying to put her down (or leaving her to fall asleep again) until a couple of active hours have passed. She’s tired but not sleepy at that point. (Tangential note: Bean gets restless legs and kicks her feet whenever she’s got a poopy diaper, is hungry, or is tired and ready to sleep.)

Today she’s on her second nap, and it’s still morning! Some days she manages to stay awake longer between naps, and other days she needs frequent Zzzs. We’ve also arrived at the point where she falls asleep in my arms and remains asleep when I put her down.

It’s been nice to have a break for a shower, a meal, or chores.

Bean has also accepted peas, and she definitely likes applesauce. Cereal she’ll eat if it’s offered with fruit. Today she started bananas, and she really likes those. Once four days pass with the new fruit without incident, I’ll offer her a new vegetable. I’m introducing only one new food at a time to see if there are any allergic reactions. (It runs in Husband’s family.)

I have learned how to work with her on this. She’ll take a first spoonful and then often turn her chin up at it. However, I hold the spoon (loaded with food) near her and wait. I talk or sing to her. At some point she realizes that no milk is coming, so she’ll touch the food on the spoon, and then she grabs the spoon and tries to bring it to her mouth. In it goes! After this, she willingly opens her mouth for more until she’s full or it’s gone. Sometimes she helps me by holding the spoon, and sometimes she wants to just touch the food before she eats it. I’ve also learned that when she cries, and I know she’s hungry, I can slip a spoonful into her mouth and this reminds her that this is another way to sate hunger. She’ll stop crying and start eating.

When she’s full, she’ll determinedly turn her head and jut her chin upward. I’m trying to be aware of how I offer food. I want to keep food as free as possible from power struggles and emotional issues. It’s a nuanced encounter with Bean, because (especially with the bottle) eating has become more leisurely. With the bottle, sometimes she turns her head away, but if offered a second time within seconds, she takes it. Then she plays with the n*pple, gurgles and gargles her milk, kicks her feet, smiles, and flirts. After about five minutes of this Bean will drink earnestly. Sometimes it seems she’s done, and I’ll burp her; when she fusses, I know she wants more. Then she guzzles the rest. So somewhere in all this, I need to learn how to offer food sometimes more than once but not too many times that it becomes a battle.

Her legs are getting pudgy and strong. She’s not crawling, but she tries to get to her knees when she’s on her stomach. She can almost sit unassisted too. Soon enough, soon enough.

Each Day Is New

Stayed up much too late last night (past 11:30!!) and woke at 5:30.

Bean ate a whole tablespoon of rice cereal and the same amount of applesauce this morning.

She ate two teaspoons of peas at lunch and dinner each.

She napped only 30 minutes in the morning and woke (she often wakes at 30 minutes and needs to learn how to settle back to sleep); she clearly needed more sleep, so I waited an hour. She cried the entire time. Husband stayed home from work today to “hold my hand” while I waited and learned to tolerate this. I’m on my own tomorrow, and I think we’ll be fine.

I took Bean out for an errand after the failed nap. Around noon (90 minutes after ending the last attempt) I rocked her and put her in the crib. She whimpered at most five minutes and then slept for 80. Her maximum nap time seems to be 80 minutes. She awoke and we went to the park.

Since she was still an hour short of rest, she practically rubbed her eyes off her face, so I rocked her at 5:15 and put her down in the crib again. She napped for 40 minutes. Then we all had dinner, she had a bath, and went to sleep at 7:30 like an angel.

In addition to playing at the park, Bean was also introduced to West African drumming. A man was practicing on a Djembe. He was thrilled to be asked about it and let Bean touch the goat-skin surface. She and I danced while he played, and then we took a walk.

Bean might be able to understand hello and bye-bye. I’ve started prompting her to wave at her reflection in the mirror and I wave too. Today we had many opportunities to say hello and bye-bye to her father. He waved and she waved back!! She probably doesn’t “get” what it means, but she’s mimicking and responding. He nearly melted into a puddle of schmoopiness each time she waved.

Can I tell you how happy I am? I love every day with my daughter.

Liberation (And Other Tidbits)

I’m not sure how cogent this post will be, because I got up at 5:45 a.m. and, unlike the past three months, have not had any pockets of time in which to doze (as I used to get when holding Bean).

This morning when Bean woke I gave her a big bottle and played with her for nearly two hours, until she could barely stay awake. Then I rocked her for ten minutes and she fell asleep. As soon as I laid her down, she woke and started to cry. However, they weren’t the shocked You’re changing everything you can’t do that don’t you love me anymore? sobs of indignation. This time it was a protest, kind of a whiney cry, and she did this for only 20 minutes before dropping into a deep sleep for and hour and 20 minutes. During that time I took a long hot shower (luxury!) and called my mother to gab a half hour.

When she woke, Bean was hungry. So I offered her rice cereal and applesauce (trying some spoonfuls mixed and some separately). I managed to give her one tablespoon of cereal and probably almost equal of applesauce, after which she also drank 4 ounces of milk.

We ran errands as a family (tell me, does anyone else hate humanity whenever they enter a Costco?) and once we returned home, she was ready for lunch and another nap. I rocked her again and put her down awake. She cried meagerly for only five minutes. She slept for 50 minutes. Later in the afternoon she had one more 20 minute catnap, and she was in bed and asleep by 7:15.

She also enjoyed sharing another apple with me, and at dinner she ate a few spoons of applesauce as well.

How do ya like them apples?

—
Two other notes. When Aunt LP was here, we took many walks at Central Park. One afternoon we heard the keening sound of bagpipes. I love me some bagpipes. We located the source, a young man (teenager?) practicing by the duck pond. I took Bean out of the stroller, and she listened with interest. When he paused we asked how long he’d been playing, and he said six months. He was really good for having just begun. So Bean got her first exposure to live music from another culture.

Also, she and I went to the Santa Clara farmer’s market for the first time today. While there, we met a man with a Saint Bernard. I’d forgotten how huge those dogs are. She was friendly, and while I patted her, the dog sniffed Bean and Bean smiled. What’s funny about this is that I asked the owner the dog’s name, and the answer was Bean. So Bean and Bean met. I didn’t have my camera but perhaps someday we’ll all meet up again at the market and I’ll take a snap.

Instead of a photo of Bean and Bean, here’s a photo of Bean wearing silly hair. It’s a privilege of parenthood.

Tomorrow we’ll have our friends over for dinner. I’ve made shortcakes and Husband cut up strawberries for strawberry shortcake as dessert. We’ll be grilling steak and veggies too. But right now I need to get horizontal and unconscious or I’ll be good for nothing tomorrow.

Gnawing and Napping

So far, Bean has rejected cereal after one spoonful each morning. I’ve even offered it before her bottle first thing in the morning, but she won’t eat until a bottle is in her mouth. I’ve mixed in apple sauce. I’ve offered applesauce at the tip of the spoon hoping the first taste of sweet would entice her. No dice. However, this afternoon I was munching on an apple while at the park; Bean was sitting between my legs (she can almost stay upright all the time but I remain her backup) and showed interest. I brought the apple to her, and she pulled it to her mouth. First she licked it and not long after she began gnawing on it. I would take a bite to expose more fresh flesh for her to enjoy. I can’t say she ate any amount, but she enjoyed the taste and experience.

In the past couple of days, Bean hasn’t napped well in my arms, only a half hour. She slept a half hour in the swing once. Multiple attempts to induce a nap (she’s obviously tired) resulted in nothing but a restless tired baby. Husband spoke to me last night about trying the crib again. He asked me to commit to a date. Ugh. Do not want! However, this afternoon when she just wouldn’t fall asleep, I decided to put her in the crib with her lovey blanket. I rocked her the usual time and then laid her down. She immediately began to cry, and I said sweet things to her and then left the room. This time I did not go in to check and console every few minutes. That only seems to calm her and then set off an escalated round of sobs when I leave. She cried for 40 minutes. Then finally she just gave up. I checked on her shortly after the cries stopped. She had turned herself onto her tummy with the blanket over her legs and back. I made sure her face wasn’t obstructed and tiptoed out. She slept for 80 minutes! Wow!!!!!!

When she woke she was hungry and still tired but cheerful. We then met another mother and her daughter at the park and hung out for an hour and a half. Bean is only three months younger than this other little girl, so there’s some compatibility in terms of movement and interaction (i.e., one isn’t walking while the other is just learning to sit). Now she’s in the swing being quiet, and yawning. I’m not going to try the crib again today; let her doze in the swing, and bedtime will come soon enough.

Got It!

Nom Nom Nom

Guess who has a tiny pointy corner of a tooth poking through her lower gum?

I don’t know how long it will take to completely erupt, but I felt it, and I hear it click when she bites down on her hard plastic toys. She’s pretty cheerful though, so maybe it doesn’t hurt. (Maybe they ache more before they erupt and once the skin is broken it just feels good to chew. I remember having braces, and the deep ache new wires would cause.)

A Mindful Life / Kathryn Harper

express : discover : renew : create