At least, this seems the case with certain people who have the misfortune of being adult and being prominent in my daily life. (Now, who might that be? Poor guy.) *sigh* I really need to find a way to release tension more constructively so that it doesn’t turn rank and poisonous in me and then come hissing out. I also probably need to cut the caffeine.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
–Ambrose Bierce
In between shopping for a new car seat, providing the usual care for Bean, doing laundry, buying groceries, vacuuming and mopping, watering outdoor plants, and making lemon buttermilk pies for a potluck, I’ve been squeezing in another book. The library books are momentarily set aside so I can complete a book I started months ago, Oil! by Upton Sinclair. I am now fascinated by the story (as relevant today as it was at first publication in 1927) and the history lesson embedded in the plot. The reason I had put it aside was that Sinclair uses two devices I found intrusive to my attention — the second person point of view and a liberal application of exclamation points. The story finally drew me in enough that I was able to let go of the distractions.
The next step up from “the bucket” we had her in. This is another sign of change, of Bean growing up.
We call it a throne because she sits so high up, so now she can see the world roll by, and because it cost a pretty penny (although we think she’ll be able to use this until age five or six or 65 lbs.)
This is one of three pinwheels I stuck in a flower pot in our back patio. Bean loves to watch them spin, especially when sunlight causes them to reflect light into the house.
My energy seems to have returned, which makes me feel cheerier and optimistic. This shift occurred over the weekend when I got some time to myself.
A Guatemalan friend recommended some authors to me, so on Thursday I dove into Antigua and My Life Before, by Marcela Serrano. I finished yesterday completely satisfied with the encounter. I have not read much in recent months. In part this is because in recent years I turned to non-fiction more often, and I find I can’t sustain my attention on it now. Slipping into another reality via a good story is what I need. The next book is The Bejeweled Boy by Miguel Angel Asturias. My friend also encouraged me to try Gabriel Garcia Marquez again; I had tried to read One Hundred Years of Solitude several times but it did not engage me. She has suggested I try Love in the Time of Cholera, so this is on my list to borrow from my beautiful local library.
In addition to reading, I was able to go out shopping to use a gift card I’d won at a social event. It was at Lakeshore Learning, so it was still oriented toward my child, but I love to look at educational games and teaching supplies, and I had fun there. And I took a relaxing soak yesterday evening. These moments rejuvenated me.
I have another reason to feel happy as well. My parents have booked a plane flight to visit us in October! We are thrilled and excited they are making the long journey from Syracuse, especially because they are in their mid-70s and travel is not so easy for them (and many others) any more. They will get to meet their granddaughter in person! We have a busy season coming up; visitors are coming in August, September, and October, and then holiday season begins. Every day I pay attention — as often as I can — because so much happens, and Bean is changing so fast. I try to embrace and yet not cling.
Well first, it takes time and energy, which are increasingly scarce for me.
Second, and more importantly to me, it creates an often one-sided relationship with people. It puts people in a spectator role and removes incentive to connect directly with me, because they already know what’s up in my life.
That doesn’t provide the most fulfilling relationships for me.
I’m so exhausted that I have few words and less energy. I go to bed at 8:00 p.m., am unconscious immediately, then arise at 5:30 a.m. (or whenever Bean wakes), and feel exhausted all day. I think that the energy required to be a mother — the vigilance, the constant availability — just calls for more energy than a good night’s sleep can provide.
I have less to say, and less desire to share in the blog what little I do have to say. I may be evolving out of blogging. Or at least headed toward a hiatus.
In addition to riding the swing, pulling up grass, scrunching sand between our fingers, and generally trying to put all interesting items in the mouth:
And happy, happy news! Uncle TP is coming for a visit to meet my Little Bean in August! It’s funny, because he came out in August last year for a visit when I was huge and so ready to give birth and be done with pregnancy. A year? Already?! (I say that a lot on this blog, don’t I?)
For reasons I don’t want to go into (mostly because they’re boring), the past couple days have been rough for me. I am raw and short on energy and patience. At a stoplight, I had my right turn blinker on. It’s an option to turn right on red (unless there’s sign prohibiting it). I was about to turn when the driver behind me honked. So I didn’t. That’s the kind of mood I’m in — something mean within digs in its heels. She honked again, and I saw her gesticulating in the mirror. I waited until the light turned green and went, and waved at her as she roared past me all the distance of one block to turn left; she flipped me the middle finger through her sun roof. I know it’s not mature or honorable behavior. I don’t like it in myself. This all happened within a mile of my home as I returned home from a nice outing at the park with a friend. I know, I should have walked instead — except here there’s a risk we’d be run over by the same driver. Such is life in an overpopulated area. Grrrrr.
I got home to cook the salmon I bought yesterday to find it had turned bad. It smelled fishy, which is a sign of very old fish. The whole fridge smells funky now.
Bean is starting to arch her back and thrash and scream when something happens she doesn’t want, or when something she wants doesn’t happen. Toddlerhood tantrums already?
I got NO time to myself this past weekend (except for one nap, but I’d like some awake alone time), since we had family errands and housecleaning and some social commitments. I also have very little say over my schedule as far as when things happen (nothing is much in my control), even on weekends.
Something I started to knit I had to frog (“rip it” out) because I made a mistake and couldn’t figure out how to fix it.
What’s so very bothersome to me is the way incidents such as those in the first paragraph stay with me, and how a sour hatred toward humanity rises up in my throat when I’m feeling this raw.
Cranky, cranky, cranky. Will someone show me some love in the comments? If you need incentive, here’s one:
Aside from the failure of IndyMac Bancorp, a study that finds many coral species are threatened with extinction, and the tarnishing of a national legacy due to family infighting, that is.
Bean is ten months and three days old.
There’s a cute video on my Flickr account if you want to watch her personal triumph. What an exhilarating day!
The humidity is cloying right now, and already it’s 74 degrees. I am hunkered down, mentally geared for another 100+ degree day cooped up in this non-air conditioned house with the windows and drapes closed to retain last night’s cool air. It reminds me of the northern winters I grew up in.
Oh, we will go out to the park in the morning, briefly, and a friend invited us to enjoy her air-conditioning yesterday. We have a repeat invitation for that today. Of course, this requires driving on an ozone action day, which contributes to more pollution — ozone, smog, carbon dioxide, and smoke from fires.
And sweet Bean is more active than ever! Though her naps have been less deep the last few days, probably due to heat. So she gets fretful as well.
So, I’m not much in the mood to write. If you’ve written me an email recently (within the last couple weeks), I haven’t replied because I had company, and now I have little time when Bean is awake, and it’s just damn hot and I’m tired. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. 🙂
Wherever you are, Reader, I hope you are comfortable.
Have ten months passed already? Bean arrived on this day in September, and what a ride it has been!
Bean now pulls up, cruises, and climbs stairs. I’ve less time than ever before to sit and answer email or write much during the day, because I now need to keep her curious little hands off stuff that formerly was out of reach. Not that we haven’t child-proofed, but books, Kleenex boxes, and other benign items I don’t want destroyed remain.
She has six teeth now — four upper and two lower. I think another lower couple are coming in from the looks of her gums. I have found, though, that the term “coming in” signifies a s-l-o-w process that can takes days or weeks.
Bean claps her hands. When I read How A Baby Grows, there is a page that says: These are the things a baby hears: songs, whisper, claps, cheers. Bean claps her hands during that sentence. She also claps her hands for If You’re Happy and You Know It and Patty-cake.
Bean recognizes butterflies, ladybugs, eyes and noses. Sometimes she will point to them when asked. She hugs her baby doll and teddy bear. She has some distinct sounds that I know mean something exclamatory, i.e., This is interesting! She also lately has been saying “Ca” when looking at or chasing Stella. (Poor Stella, who can’t even find safe haven upstairs anymore.) Of course, “Ca” is her sound for other small animals, such as dogs and other babies.
She does not consistently use the “all done” sign, but she definitely will use it when she is in the mood and when she is either: a) done eating or b) done eating a particular food but wants something else. She self-feeds Cheerios and (once) green peas, but has not mastered picking up bits of banana. She distinctly doesn’t like the texture of the 3rd stage foods that have chunks designed for learning to chew.
Music Together started again today, and I was fascinated to watch Bean respond to the music and the teacher. Now that she’s crawling, she happily wanders away from me to explore, and she doesn’t cry if I move away from her. She recognized the teacher and bounced on her bottom when she saw her.
Bean is entering a phase of greater opinion and strength. Sometimes I find it a challenge to change her diaper now, since she is wiry and capable of turning over. My little baby is less a baby now and becoming quite her own little person.
Here’s a peek at what she might see during the day.
In an attempt to break out of my safe little rut, I tried a new pattern. It’s not as though the stitch is difficult; it involves binding off and picking up stitches, but I’d never tried changing directions before. This is an accent scarf, and it’s intended to be worn to jazz up an outfit. It’s not designed for warmth (and considering it’s 102.6F right now, that sounds just right). I don’t know the recipient yet. I might use it as a gift. Or maybe someday I’ll try to sell what I knit at least to recoup the expense of the yarn. The skein was 130 yards and cost $15, which is on the pricey side for me. (Anybody want to buy a scarf? I should open an Etsy store.)
Aunt LR has left. It was a wonderful week. She and Bean enjoyed each other immensely, and I’m feeling sad at my sister’s departure. There will be other visits, though, and I’m going to focus on how fun this one was.
One thing I’ve noticed about having a child is that one parent typically takes the majority of the pictures, which means more time spent behind the lens than in front. That would be me. My sister intends today to get some shots of me with Bean. This was one from the early morning. I look pretty perky for 7 a.m.! (Bean and I arose at 6:10.)
When Stella wearies of being chased, she runs up the stairs to sit in safety and observe Bean. Bean, in turn, stands at the bottom trying to coax the cat to return. Today, after pleading with Stella awhile, the Little Miss put her right knee on the bottom step and pulled up! I have a video of it. It’s uploading to Flickr (providing Flickr can process it). Here’s a photo of this huge milestone. This means that the gate will now be closed unless Bean is watched like a hawk.
Today Bean is 9 months, 3 weeks, and 3 days old. In the past two weeks she progressed from pulling up to climbing up. How quickly things change.
This is a bragging post (but without words). Just one question: What did I do to end up with this amazing beautiful little person?
The question points to the fact that life is random, and I really can’t take credit for any of this. I have the great privilege to be entrusted with this gift.
I made Bean’s hat and trusted the pattern. It’s very cute!
The model is also quite charming and cute.
It was love at first sight.
After a couple of months doing the “all done” sign with Bean, she recently started making the sign when I initiated — for example, after a meal, when I’d ask “All done?” and make the sign, she’d confirm it. But yesterday, she initiated the sign! When she was full, she raised her small hands and made the sign her way, smiling at me. She also made the sign when she was in the exer-saucer and wanted to get out. Wow. I can see her brain growing.
The other thing that brings me joy is the fact that it is possible to travel 3,000 miles across country within half a day. Think of this astonishing fact. It’s almost like time travel. My sister arrives in about 2.5 hours; her journey started in central New York this morning. We’re so excited about her visit!
Cooler weather is on the way, so I’ve decided to make Bean a winter hat. I’m trying to experiment more, and I found a pattern called a Ball-Band Toddler Hat. I used a larger needle to get the gauge right and the darn thing came out too large for her. It’s a bit small for an adult, but it would fit an older (grade-school age) child. The bigger needle also obscured the stitches a bit — they’re not as defined. This first attempt was on Cascade 220, a plain wool yarn; I’ll donate it to a charity. The hat for Bean will be on a different yarn, now that I know what I’m doing.
