Finally

Husband and I are about to watch the very last episode of Battlestar Galactica. I saw a headline that said it was immersion therapy for the post 9/11 world. It’s a dark series, but it has richly developed characters and is intensely interesting. I’m eager to know how they resolve all this. I’ve never been much of a sci-fi fan, but this series encompasses so much more than what people might think when they consider the genre.

Coming Up Empty

Despite my intentions of spending recovery time knitting or doing some other creative sedentary venture, I’ve let it all languish. I feel desperately un-creative. I look at my yarn stash and think, “I’ll never use this stuff, and it’s taking up space,” and struggle with the desire to get rid of it. Same with my art supplies. I feel an urge to simplify. It’s astonishing to me what accumulates over time, and if we decide to move this year, a we need to lighten our load. So I’m feeling restless to do this.

Plus we may purchase a stationary bike for me, and where is that going to go? I still have two boxes of maternity clothes in the closet.

I’ve been really successful in keeping new book acquisition to a minimum.

I just don’t know what to do with this impulsive energy.

Once upon a time I didn’t make stuff — I didn’t make arts or crafts, and I didn’t have closets full of supplies. My life was simpler. I read and I exercised. Now I waste so much time on the Internet — I do read, too, but exercise doesn’t happen. And I need to make that happen.

What a disjointed post.

April Is The Cruelest Coolest Month

Interesting article here: The End of Verse? Or, I can summarize it for you.

Verse is not dead yet.
As long as there is language
poems will exist.

April is National Poetry Month. It’s also NaPoWriMo. I tried this in 2006 and burned out halfway through the month, although some of what I wrote I thought was solid. I’m giving this year a pass, though who know? I might quietly be inspired to try. If I pretend I don’t really care, maybe I can fool myself into playing and actually accomplish it.

Self-Care Progress

In 2008 I let many aspects of self-care slide, so I endeavor to do better this year. I didn’t make any resolutions. I just made a list of the appointments I had not accommodated last year and set out to get them scheduled and accomplished. As of this date I have achieved the following:

  • Eye exam (new Rx)
  • Dental cleaning (with the next one scheduled)
  • Mammogram (all clear)
  • Knee repair (in progress)
  • Annual exam/bloodwork (all fine)

The first quarter of the year hasn’t passed yet and I’ve done a lot! In fact, I don’t think I have any other major health issues requiring visits to professionals. I’m not due for a pap smear until next year, and all my immunizations are up-to-date.

Next on the list for self-care is to exercise more, lose some weight, and find a group with whom to meditate (perhaps the Kannon Do Zen Center). I also may, if our lives aren’t upended by moving chaos, manage to attend the Mother’s Plunge Retreat in June.

Somewhere in all of this exercising and meditating I will slip in the occasional knitting project, or a drawing or collage, perhaps a little poem writing, and as always, something to read.

So Far This Week

It’s been a low-key week so far. I wasn’t my usual social self; in fact, I’ve been a little cross now and then. I had an upset GI tract on Monday, a small bout of flu or something. Aunt LP was a huge help to Husband while I was knocked out much of the time, and Bean adored her. We did get to visit a little, but as I wasn’t the most chipper host I’m sure my company left something to be desired. 🙂 She left this afternoon, and I’m wishing her good travels. Her flight was delayed and left her with no connections from Houston to Austin (spring break, SXSW events), so I’m hoping she got a standby flight.

I got my stitches out on Tuesday. I had two tears in the meniscus. One was large and folded under; it caused the most damage. I have arthritis in the area now. I start physical therapy tomorrow for six weeks. I can put 100 percent weight on my leg for short amounts of time, but it tires easily. Heck, I tire easily. I seem to have no energy. I stopped taking the narcotic painkillers on Saturday, but I still feel a little loopy and off-balance. I won’t be driving a car until I’m off crutches, which is probably around March 28. Husband will be off the rest of this week and all of next taking care of us. He’s been amazing.

Bean has bonded a lot more with her Daddy than ever before. He takes her out every day for an hour or two at a park, which has done him a lot of good as well. She cries for me and has tantrums when I’m not available, but I’ve noticed she’s become his little buddy and helper too. Her vocabulary continues to grow and her sentences become more varied and complex. She’s going through another growth spurt or something. One day she basically ate all day in large amounts, had a long nap, and this morning she slept in until 7 a.m. I swear she looks different from one week ago.

Today

This is how I spent the morning. Bean had an unusually early nap at 9:45 and slept 90 minutes. Typically she makes it until noon, but I think she’s fighting a cold and/or teething and is also a little off-kilter with what’s going on with me. She crawled into my arms and fell asleep immediately.

This is how I plan to spend the rest of the day as well. I’m typing this with closed eyes and in a daze of painkillers. Toodles!

napping

Aftermath

The surgery was fine. I had no issue with anesthesia. Yay me!

Turned out that I had two tears in my medial meniscus. One of them had actually bent in on itself, so the cartilage was folded under. The surgeon also smoothed a little of the cartilage under my kneecap, though since it doesn’t grow back he didn’t want to do too much. Removal of cartilage such as the meniscus sets the stage for arthritis. Oh, I also have some arthritis in the area already from walking on this untreated for nearly two years. Ah well. On the upside, having the removal done instead of a repair means I’m off crutches within two weeks instead of on them for four.

Bean is fine. The babysitter arrived while she ate an early lunch, so she knew Mommy and Daddy were leaving. I managed to put her down for a nap at 11:30 a.m.; then we left. She slept two hours! When I got home she wasn’t clingy or upset. She’d had a grand time with A and enjoyed the new toys I’d left for her. She was curious about my crutches — indeed, she wants to walk off with them. She also wanted to crawl on top of me as I laid on the couch, but we told her I have a big ouchie boo-boo. She seems to understand this a bit.

Husband took good care of all of us. Two friends brought over a little care package of yummy bath goodies, a knitting magazine, and magazine cookbood for slow cookers and casseroles. The pictures are fun to look at. I can’t quite focus my eyes. The surgeon called to see how I’m doing, so my work here is done! I’ve been dozing on the couch in a haze of hydrocodone. I’m too tired to resist its serenade, so I’ll sign off here.

Oh, and happy anniversary, Husband. We’ve been married four years!

In The Shop

I’m going “into the shop tomorrow” — my surgery is at 1:15 p.m. Here’s hoping it all goes smoothly and that I’m soon pain-free and mobile again.

I’ve been in a somewhat dark and tight mental space in the past week. Concerns about surgery, the outcome, and a certain loneliness from a disconnected friendship have contributed to a sense of isolation. I reached my limit with Bean one morning and boy, was that a little loud and scary! Husband agreed I need more “free” time, and we are figuring out how that will work. And hey, what are cupboard doors for if not to shut them firmly and vigorously now and then?

Heh. As of tomorrow afternoon, I’ll have a lot of free time for a few days. I’ve got a pile of books and all my knitting gear by my bed. Aunt LP arrives Saturday evening. I’m excited about this, though I’m not sure she knows what she’s getting into!

We went to the park this afternoon, where I took a zillion photos and videos since I finally remembered to pack the camera. It was mid-60s, sunny, breezy, and I was rejuvenated. Bean is such an explorer! And I love her more and more and more.

she is beautiful

Changing My (Diaper) Bag

Sometimes what’s needed is a small change. For 18 months I lugged around the huge black diaper bag, and in the first year it served well, because I carried a lot of stuff around for Bean (and it became my purse too). I never left the house with Bean without also bring the black bag. It held diapers, wipes, blankets, snacks, bottles, sippy cups, extra clothes for Bean, my wallet and cell phone, tampons, a pen and notepad, diaper changing pad, and antibacterial wipes.

Lately I need less and less stuff for Bean. And frankly, I’ve gotten much less concerned about things like carrying a diaper changing pad or the entire contents of my refrigerator. Most places have changing stations and disinfecting wipes can clean off the surfaces just as well. As for food, she’s able to get by on crackers and fruit if she needs a snack while we’re out, and since she has almost all her teeth now, she can eat regular food with the best of us.

So when I was out this evening running errands (which is what often sadly qualifies as “me time”), I happened to wander down an aisle at Walgreens and saw small tote bags. One was all pink and girly, another was black with pink lips all over it, and then there was the cute little ladybug bag. It was $5.99, and on a whim I bought it. Someday, when I’m done using it as a diaper bag I will — if it is still in one piece — use it to tote knitting projects around. For now, it’s much lighter and smaller and yet still carries the essentials. But really, the main thing is that it cheers me, and I feel less like a ox with a yoke.

Husband used to carry the diaper bag, but you can bet that won’t be happening now! It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

changing the diaper bag

Fearless

Bean has a cold, but she’s not so sick that she isn’t restless. Today was better, so in the afternoon we went to a park to romp in the sunshine. She’s getting more coordinated each day, and climbs like a little monkey on all the play structures — even the ones designed for 7-12 year olds. It was around rush hour when Caltrain runs a lot of trains; we were near the station, and she was transfixed by the horn every time she heard it.

So we went to the station, where we saw four trains go by. One was a Union Pacific double-engine chugging slowly up and down the track for no apparent reason. One was a local train that stopped in Santa Clara; the other two were express trains that barreled through at 70 miles an hour. It is a sight and sound to behold! Tons and tons of steel roar past, creating a wind suction that would knock a child over. Bean was in her stroller and I put my arm around her; I was concerned this experience would frighten her.

Her response: “Big train! Big train! Toot!” This was followed by her usual monologue spoken in Beanish with an occasional word I recognize. She was intensely interested. I, on the other hand, find these roaring trains exciting and terrifying, in part because I am capable of imagining dreadful things (which I try to avoid).

I have my own train to face in a few days. I do not like undergoing general anesthesia. I have an irrational fear that I might not wake up. Again, I do my best not to feed it, but the anxiety hums underneath. I’m also not looking forward to being immobilized, to losing control of the way my house runs, to my daughter crying because I can’t get up to play with her, and to pain.

On the other hand, this is the first time in 18 months that I will have the opportunity to sleep as much as I want and rest. That is a comforting thought. Another comfort is that my playgroup has a program to help moms in need, and people volunteered to bring food during my confinement. We’ll get eight meals from generous mothers.

Too Popular

I have a full life and a full lap! I was trying to knit, but somehow it’s a little difficult to do that when you’re wearing fur and little people. Lots more photos and videos up on Flickr for family and friends to see.

mommy's too popular for her own good

This And That

My surgery is set for Friday, March 13. No, I’m not superstitious. That is also my wedding anniversary! My SIL is coming the next day, so she will help and Husband will also be home. My MIL is on stand-by, so to speak. We won’t know until after the surgery if it will be a removal or a repair. If it’s a repair, I will be on crutches four weeks, and we will need my MIL. A removal of the cartilage is more common and much easier to heal from.

Bean is not going to like this. First off, her babysitter will be with her all day on March 13 and will put her down for a nap. The only people whom Bean falls asleep for is me and Husband, so it remains to be seen if she’ll nap. She also won’t understand why I am not moving, and if I don’t rise to her imperious commands (Get up! Get up!) and play, we’ll see a lot of tantrums. It’s going to be interesting.

What else is new? Let’s see… I’m feeling some dislocation and sadness because I managed to alienate a close friend and while we are still friends, it is clear that a level of intimacy is gone. This friend has instead moved closer to another mutual friend. I am trying to let things be, and to remain open, and to remember love. There are consequences to my actions. I brought this on myself, so to speak.

Given that my free time is limited, I’ve been giving thought to paring down some of my online activities that suck time out from under me. I’m unsubscribing from certain newsletters, and I’ve deleted my account from Facebook. There are too few moments in each day, and I have the email addresses and phone numbers of people I want to keep in touch with. Simplicity is key.

I finally finished a scarf for my sister Ellen. It’s pretty, and I’ll post a photo of it later. Now I need to think of something else to knit.

Got Milk?

Since the Bottle Fairy came and went, Bean is in her fourth week of a milk strike. She refuses milk completely in a cup, gets mad if it is offered, and in fact has stopped requesting it.

For the first couple of weeks she compensated by eating a good amount of yogurt — between 12-18 ounces. However, in the past week she refuses yogurt most of the time too, and at most I can get 9 ounces in her.

While she likes broccoli (a good source of calcium), she doesn’t want it every day. However, all she needs is 500 milligrams of calcium daily, so the doctor advised us to give her one Tums a day. She likes those very much, of course, because they are fruit flavored!

It seems the transition is complete. I do wish she would accept milk in a cup, since she loved to drink it. She refuses all cheese, including cottage cheese.

She’s a determined little person!