Category Archives: Recreation

Life Is Messy

I have a list of the little things I plan to write about that Bean is doing, but it’s late and I’m wiped out. She is a busy, busy child! So loving and cheerful too (most of the time). So here is a video to provide a glimpse until I have the energy to write. (If the embedded video doesn’t know, click this link.)

Slow-Cooker Goodness

Since my stove-top is compromised (one burner can’t be used) and I don’t want to heat up the oven in the summer anyway, I bought a new crock pot. I haven’t used crock pots much because the recipes often call for different sizes; I had only one, and it seemed impractical to have more than one since they are large. Well, another mom mentioned that Walmart had a 3-in-1 crock pot on sale for $30, and so I went and got it. (Target sells the same brand for $60.) It has one base and three crocks: 2, 4, and 6-quarts.

The other night I used the 2-quart size to roast chicken thighs with rosemary and white wine. Today I made pulled pork for the first time (in the 6-quart ), and it was delectable.

There are umpteen zillion crock pot recipes for free on the web, so I’m looking forward to trying some of them. It just requires a little planning and prep ahead, but then it’s so easy!

Infusion

Although today is cloudy and rainy, I’m energized and in a better mood. This morning I went to a friend’s home for a play date and we had a great visit. A little later another friend came with her daughter, and our three daughters played together while we adults got to catch up. It had been awhile since we’d been able to visit for an extended time.

I pushed Bean a little and stayed longer than I usually do. Most of the time I have us home by 11 a.m. for lunch and down for a nap no later than 12:15, because in the past missing that window meant she didn’t sleep at all (or very long) due to being overtired. But today I needed to visit, so we got home at 11:45 and ate a quick lunch. She was close to a tantrum, being so tired, but she went to sleep quickly at 12:30. I’m hoping for a usual nap of 90 minutes to two hours.

I’ve had a little too much coffee, and I need some food, and I feel a wave of sleepiness coming on…

Replenishment

Bean woke at 5:40 a.m. this morning, which is unusually early; for the past few months she shifted her wake time to 6-6:30, and sometimes as late as 7:00. I left her be until 6:10. When I went into her bedroom and leaned over the crib, she said, “I could eat an elephant!” (This is what a hungry lion says in one of her current favorite books, The Saggy Baggy Elephant.) As I carried her downstairs, she also told me how Stella (our cat) was mad and angry and kept repeating she could eat an elephant. I suspect that she was telling me she was mad at not being retrieved right when she woke up, because she was hungry.

Then she requested peanut butter toast and ate only four bites. Perplexing child! (Later she ate two yogurts in one sitting.)

One of Bean’s aunts sent a bunch of books I remember well from childhood, and Bean now enjoys them routinely: There’s a Wocket in My Pocket!; Go, Dog. Go! (a tedious book); A Fly Went By; Are You My Mother? (another tedious book to me, but not to her). She also passionately enjoys Richard Scarry’s Best Word Book Ever; Busy, Busy Town; and Cars and Trucks and Things That Go (especially Goldbug). These are her most requested books of late.

And quite recently, out of the blue, Bean has started singing songs, some of which she has not heard for many months (from former Music Together classes). She gets the lyrics correct some of the time, but it doesn’t really matter; she likes to sing little ditties to herself that she makes up too. I marvel at how her brain is blooming.
—
On another, less marvelous note, however, is the fact that sometimes I feel the hours of each day weigh on me, and I’m feeling again as though I haven’t got a “me.” Bean is a busy, interactive child. I often find that when I put her down for a nap, I need one too. And by the time she goes to bed at 8:00 p.m., I’m so spent I’ve no energy to write (even email) or do anything recreational; I’m even too tired to go out by myself to get groceries. I’m in bed by 9:30, usually asleep. In addition to this is the fact that my social interaction with other mothers has been cut due to changes in my and my friends’ activities and schedules, so the days feel long. If I deprive myself of the nap, my ass drags through the afternoon, and I usually end up drinking a couple servings of coffee just to stay conscious. It is not an enjoyable way to pass time. Yet this is what I am doing today, because I really need to write and reflect.

What this means, for me, is that I often find myself thinking about the next thing when I’m with Bean. I’m thinking about her next snack, or how many minutes until 8 a.m. when I can get Husband up so I can have my hour to exercise and shower. I’m thinking about how to get through the afternoon until he comes home at 6:30ish. I find myself not enjoying yet another game of “I’m gonna get you!” or the 20th reading of the same story. I feel spent. And I feel sad about this, because Bean is comprehending and communicating ever more, and becoming such an interesting little person. But lately I feel I’m putting in time.

What’s interesting about this is that she is no more demanding, really, than she was a year ago. She could do far less for herself a year ago, and I was physically more constrained by this. She wants to interact more, but in reality her communication skills are so developed that we rarely have skirmishes due to misunderstandings. Her will is getting stronger. She dawdles more, defies requests more frequently. I have to be creative in my responses, pick my battles, decide when to wait and when I’ve had enough and just want to get the task done. Once upon a time I just picked her up and went. Perhaps this is where my exhaustion arises?

I wish I was more energized. I wish I appreciated her more in this time period. I’m unsettled by my internal responses.

But really, I think she’s amazing (she’ll be 20 months old next week). Here’s proof — if the embedded video doesn’t work, click here. (And now it’s time for my nap.)

Can’t Get Enough

I can’t get enough of Susan Boyle’s voice. I read a commentary about what about her compels so many people.

Who among us does not move through life with the hidden sense, maybe even quiet desperation, that we are destined for more? That underneath our ordinary exterior lays an extraordinary soul? That given the right opportunity, the right stage, the right audience, we would shine as the stars we truly are?

That promise underlies most successful advertising campaigns: the desire to transform from caterpillar to butterfly. Maybe if you buy that (fill in the blank), people will see you for the sophisticated, cool, gorgeous, talented, lovable person you know you really are.

But in our less desperate moments, we know we can’t purchase that transformation. Although Susan Boyle became an overnight sensation, hers was not an overnight transformation. She’s been practicing singing since she was 12. In her case, overnight was 35 years.

It’s easy to admire Susan. But it’s far more interesting to be transformed by her. “There is grace,” a friend recently wrote to me, “in being molded by your own gifts.”

To allow yourself to be molded by your own gifts takes courage. You have to be willing to stand there, exposed and authentic, while the audience rolls their eyes at you and sneers, expecting failure. And then, of course, you have to fail, laugh or cry, and keep going until, one day, they stop laughing and start clapping.

–Peter Bregman, CNN

And Bean can’t get enough of the music. She requests music to be played at every meal. She wants to dance to it several times during the day. If music of any kind is on, she will begin to rock on her feet; she’s also incorporating arm movements now. She has begun to use rhythm and tonal patterns; the CDs have these little chants and rhymes, and she now does them. She is remembering lyrics to these songs and repeating them, and also starting to sing notes. She sings ABCs almost completely now. Her memory astounds me, as does her capacity to absorb new information. She is almost desperately interested in violins, guitars, keyboards, and drums. One of her favorite Little Golden books is Animal Orchestra. In Animal Town, it was musical day. The orchestra had gathered to play. She enthusiastically attends her Music Together class; most of the time she stands and rocks to the rhythm of the songs, absorbing the activities and sounds with wide eyes.

I’ve no idea “where” all this immersion will take her. My only goal now is to share the joy of music with her. It’s pretty clear she is drawn to it from deep within herself.

Ah, Insomnia

Today was the first really warm day of the year: 95 degrees. And I, as usual, can’t sleep because it is still warm inside and out.

We went to see a house yesterday and today. The yesterday house we liked well enough, more for its location than perhaps the interior, but the price is higher than we feel comfortable going. The house we saw today was, well, just another frakking house. It was well-priced, but there were several problems with it, and it just didn’t stand out to us. Husband and I agreed that it is time to take a break — for me, not for him. We have spent every single Saturday and Sunday since the first weekend in January looking at houses. We have done nothing else, because after working around Bean’s nap and the open house schedules (1-4 p.m.), there is usually little time for any family trips elsewhere. We do get to a park after each foray, which we all enjoy.

But I’m weary. I’m rather depressed at the prices and the quality of the houses we see for those prices. I have not had any “me time” on the weekends for several months. The only weekend we took off from looking was the weekend immediately after my surgery. Husband used to take Bean on long walks in the neighborhood that afforded me time to clean, do laundry, etc. or just be home alone.

So I don’t know how long our break will be. The good thing all this research has done is that it has helped us clarify exactly what kind of house we would like to buy (e.g., square footage, small yard, recent build, etc.). It’s just that we haven’t found it yet. Next weekend, however, we will go on an outing to a zoo or museum — something fun.

And I’m working on cleaning out my closets of old clothes and stuff that feels extraneous. I’m not touching art supplies or yarn. I just need to streamline a little or I’ll go mad.

Here’s hoping sleep comes soon. I really need it.

Busy Weekend, Then Back to Work

Tomorrow my “vacation” ends, and Husband’s vacation begins — both of us will be going back to work. His vacation is from me and from full-time waiting on two demanding females. 😉 My break was the two weeks of healing from surgery, and I’m mostly mobile. We’ll see how I fare tomorrow!

Yesterday we went to an open house in an area of San Jose we rather like, and then we drove up to Hayward to purchase a used Schwinn recumbent stationary bike for me. When we got home we realized it’s a few inches too long for the space we thought it would fit, so we had a long discussion about our stuff and how much house we need in the future. We also talked about how much house we can afford and looked hard at the numbers in several scenarios. We came away with a better sense of our priorities.

Today we toured seven different model homes in Fremont and Morgan Hill. All of them were vertical (three townhomes and four houses), and my knee communicated its displeasure at the end of the day. However, we saw some things that have potential. Then around 6:30 we met some friends at Choi’s Korean restaurant. The girls had fun eating the glass noodles and other food, and it was good to get out with friends. We’re all tired out. Bean is just going to bed now, and we hope dearly that she will sleep long and well. We rarely miss bedtime (8 p.m.), but now and then a special occasion is okay. She is a really patient and cooperative child while we wander through homes every weekend.

Finally

Husband and I are about to watch the very last episode of Battlestar Galactica. I saw a headline that said it was immersion therapy for the post 9/11 world. It’s a dark series, but it has richly developed characters and is intensely interesting. I’m eager to know how they resolve all this. I’ve never been much of a sci-fi fan, but this series encompasses so much more than what people might think when they consider the genre.

Coming Up Empty

Despite my intentions of spending recovery time knitting or doing some other creative sedentary venture, I’ve let it all languish. I feel desperately un-creative. I look at my yarn stash and think, “I’ll never use this stuff, and it’s taking up space,” and struggle with the desire to get rid of it. Same with my art supplies. I feel an urge to simplify. It’s astonishing to me what accumulates over time, and if we decide to move this year, a we need to lighten our load. So I’m feeling restless to do this.

Plus we may purchase a stationary bike for me, and where is that going to go? I still have two boxes of maternity clothes in the closet.

I’ve been really successful in keeping new book acquisition to a minimum.

I just don’t know what to do with this impulsive energy.

Once upon a time I didn’t make stuff — I didn’t make arts or crafts, and I didn’t have closets full of supplies. My life was simpler. I read and I exercised. Now I waste so much time on the Internet — I do read, too, but exercise doesn’t happen. And I need to make that happen.

What a disjointed post.

April Is The Cruelest Coolest Month

Interesting article here: The End of Verse? Or, I can summarize it for you.

Verse is not dead yet.
As long as there is language
poems will exist.

April is National Poetry Month. It’s also NaPoWriMo. I tried this in 2006 and burned out halfway through the month, although some of what I wrote I thought was solid. I’m giving this year a pass, though who know? I might quietly be inspired to try. If I pretend I don’t really care, maybe I can fool myself into playing and actually accomplish it.

Self-Care Progress

In 2008 I let many aspects of self-care slide, so I endeavor to do better this year. I didn’t make any resolutions. I just made a list of the appointments I had not accommodated last year and set out to get them scheduled and accomplished. As of this date I have achieved the following:

  • Eye exam (new Rx)
  • Dental cleaning (with the next one scheduled)
  • Mammogram (all clear)
  • Knee repair (in progress)
  • Annual exam/bloodwork (all fine)

The first quarter of the year hasn’t passed yet and I’ve done a lot! In fact, I don’t think I have any other major health issues requiring visits to professionals. I’m not due for a pap smear until next year, and all my immunizations are up-to-date.

Next on the list for self-care is to exercise more, lose some weight, and find a group with whom to meditate (perhaps the Kannon Do Zen Center). I also may, if our lives aren’t upended by moving chaos, manage to attend the Mother’s Plunge Retreat in June.

Somewhere in all of this exercising and meditating I will slip in the occasional knitting project, or a drawing or collage, perhaps a little poem writing, and as always, something to read.

So Far This Week

It’s been a low-key week so far. I wasn’t my usual social self; in fact, I’ve been a little cross now and then. I had an upset GI tract on Monday, a small bout of flu or something. Aunt LP was a huge help to Husband while I was knocked out much of the time, and Bean adored her. We did get to visit a little, but as I wasn’t the most chipper host I’m sure my company left something to be desired. 🙂 She left this afternoon, and I’m wishing her good travels. Her flight was delayed and left her with no connections from Houston to Austin (spring break, SXSW events), so I’m hoping she got a standby flight.

I got my stitches out on Tuesday. I had two tears in the meniscus. One was large and folded under; it caused the most damage. I have arthritis in the area now. I start physical therapy tomorrow for six weeks. I can put 100 percent weight on my leg for short amounts of time, but it tires easily. Heck, I tire easily. I seem to have no energy. I stopped taking the narcotic painkillers on Saturday, but I still feel a little loopy and off-balance. I won’t be driving a car until I’m off crutches, which is probably around March 28. Husband will be off the rest of this week and all of next taking care of us. He’s been amazing.

Bean has bonded a lot more with her Daddy than ever before. He takes her out every day for an hour or two at a park, which has done him a lot of good as well. She cries for me and has tantrums when I’m not available, but I’ve noticed she’s become his little buddy and helper too. Her vocabulary continues to grow and her sentences become more varied and complex. She’s going through another growth spurt or something. One day she basically ate all day in large amounts, had a long nap, and this morning she slept in until 7 a.m. I swear she looks different from one week ago.

In The Shop

I’m going “into the shop tomorrow” — my surgery is at 1:15 p.m. Here’s hoping it all goes smoothly and that I’m soon pain-free and mobile again.

I’ve been in a somewhat dark and tight mental space in the past week. Concerns about surgery, the outcome, and a certain loneliness from a disconnected friendship have contributed to a sense of isolation. I reached my limit with Bean one morning and boy, was that a little loud and scary! Husband agreed I need more “free” time, and we are figuring out how that will work. And hey, what are cupboard doors for if not to shut them firmly and vigorously now and then?

Heh. As of tomorrow afternoon, I’ll have a lot of free time for a few days. I’ve got a pile of books and all my knitting gear by my bed. Aunt LP arrives Saturday evening. I’m excited about this, though I’m not sure she knows what she’s getting into!

We went to the park this afternoon, where I took a zillion photos and videos since I finally remembered to pack the camera. It was mid-60s, sunny, breezy, and I was rejuvenated. Bean is such an explorer! And I love her more and more and more.

she is beautiful

Fearless

Bean has a cold, but she’s not so sick that she isn’t restless. Today was better, so in the afternoon we went to a park to romp in the sunshine. She’s getting more coordinated each day, and climbs like a little monkey on all the play structures — even the ones designed for 7-12 year olds. It was around rush hour when Caltrain runs a lot of trains; we were near the station, and she was transfixed by the horn every time she heard it.

So we went to the station, where we saw four trains go by. One was a Union Pacific double-engine chugging slowly up and down the track for no apparent reason. One was a local train that stopped in Santa Clara; the other two were express trains that barreled through at 70 miles an hour. It is a sight and sound to behold! Tons and tons of steel roar past, creating a wind suction that would knock a child over. Bean was in her stroller and I put my arm around her; I was concerned this experience would frighten her.

Her response: “Big train! Big train! Toot!” This was followed by her usual monologue spoken in Beanish with an occasional word I recognize. She was intensely interested. I, on the other hand, find these roaring trains exciting and terrifying, in part because I am capable of imagining dreadful things (which I try to avoid).

I have my own train to face in a few days. I do not like undergoing general anesthesia. I have an irrational fear that I might not wake up. Again, I do my best not to feed it, but the anxiety hums underneath. I’m also not looking forward to being immobilized, to losing control of the way my house runs, to my daughter crying because I can’t get up to play with her, and to pain.

On the other hand, this is the first time in 18 months that I will have the opportunity to sleep as much as I want and rest. That is a comforting thought. Another comfort is that my playgroup has a program to help moms in need, and people volunteered to bring food during my confinement. We’ll get eight meals from generous mothers.