Category Archives: Motherhood

From Our Nest to Yours

Wishing you joyous days ahead.

I Hear the Door Hinges Singing

The Pixie has added a new sound to her repertoire. Oh, she still sounds like Cindy Lou Who when she babbles. However, when she is unwinding before sleep, she’s taken to a kind of squeaky-creaky moaning for up to 30 minutes at a stretch. Seriously, she sounds like a human imitating a door that desperately cries for oil on its hinges. At first it’s cute, but after awhile it grates a little, as it is not a melodic sound. Eventually she quiets and falls asleep. We’re amused by her little serenades. I’m sure all is well. However, if she starts saying Redrum, redrum over and over, then I’ll worry!

Hibernation

I felt woozy the past couple of days. Every time I stood up or got up from the floor, the blood would rush from my head, I’d hear ringing in my ears, and the edge of my vision would go white. I also felt hot but not feverish, as though the room was just too warm. I was a little dizzy — not room-spinning dizzy, just off-balance. I thought perhaps that, being sleep deprived, I’d also neglected eating decently. So I ate a hearty meal and took a three hour nap yesterday. (Thanks to my MIL, or that would not have been possible.) I awoke still feeling weird, called my doctor, and they fit me in.

After a brief visit and two blood-pressure readings (one sitting and the other standing), the preliminary diagnosis was simply dehydration. I drink enough water, or so I think, but apparently not. My blood pressure dropped significantly when I moved from sitting to standing. It had been awhile since I saw him, so the doctor also ordered blood tests: anemia, blood sugar, thyroid, vitamin B12, and cholesterol, just to be sure. I went home, drank a quart of water, and I did feel much better.

However, I still feel a little funky. Possibly this is just exhaustion. Husband came home last night commenting that he too felt a little woozy. I ran an errand last night to Baby Depot, where I searched for long-sleeved bodysuits (no legs) in a slightly larger size, as Claire is getting too big for the ones she has and we’re still using the legless outfits because she’s being changed so frequently. I found one package and made my way toward the registers. When I saw the line of customers snaking out the front of the store (probably 75 people in line) and two registers open, I promptly returned the package to its location and left. I thought: what folly to have attempted this! Yet it had seemed so important I get out to find these. I returned home empty-handed and rued having wasted the gas, time, and effort.

Today it is rainy. There are no errands to run. It’s a good stay to stay indoors to read and play and nap. Claire’s bottom is better (not entirely but much), and the tummy problems are slowly clearing up. She’s still not feeling up to a lot of play. We’ve done a lot of cuddling.

How interesting that this is a season of pushing ourselves to make merry, do more more more, decorate, buy gifts we hope will please and impress, when it’s the very time of year our bodies want to rest. Winter is a season of restoration. Yes, we need reminders that the light will return, and it’s enjoyable to see twinkly colored lights everywhere, but a little bit goes a long way. How can you enjoy it if you’re busy fighting for a parking space? Stay home. Nestle in. Put on your jammies and make a cup of cocoa. Maybe bake a batch of cookies (no need to make 15 different kinds; one will do). Let yourself sleep when your body is tired. Eat when you’re hungry. Give yourself over to the real season.

So Sensitive

Claire saw the doctor today. (I appreciate that doctor. She worked us in, and still took her time with us. I never feel pressured by her or as if her hand is on the door knob during the visit.) She asked if anything had changed in the last week. I told her about our aborted attempt from December 8-10 to transition her back to regular formula. She said based on the fact there is no fever and no vomiting, it is probable that the regular formula is the cause of the diarrhea. It can apparently take several days for the body to initiate a reaction to a substance it cannot tolerate, and it can take two or three weeks for it to be completely processed. In this case, the substance is whole milk proteins. She was doing fine on the hypoallergenic stuff. Whether she’s just got an immature digestive system and will grow out of this, or whether it’s a true intolerance/allergy remains to be seen. It seems that we’ll be using the Nutramigen “liquid gold” for the rest of her first year. We won’t be introducing solid food until she’s at least six months old, also because of her sensitive digestion.

The doctor also decided that her increased weight requires a slightly higher dose of Zantac, since the reflux might also be contributing to her discomfort. Claire weighs 11 pounds, 3 ounces now. Still a bitty girl!

As for the diaper rash, a bare bottom was encouraged. A baking soda sitz bath once a day. No anti-fungal or cortisone cream. Instead, she gave samples of an over-the-counter ointment that is more powerful than Desitin, etc. and is used in post-surgical wounds. It’s not usually stocked, so I called a pharmacy and they said they would have some for me tomorrow. The stuff is called Calmoseptine Ointment. If the rash isn’t gone in 3-4 days, I’m supposed to call the doctor back. Problem is, that runs us into the weekend and then the holiday. So let’s hope Santa brings a healed bottom for my little girl.

She’s eating only small amounts still, and today she is under her usual amount significantly. She will get better, everyone says so. We just haven’t turned the corner quite yet on this.

However, she’s getting old enough that attempts to comfort her are received and responded to. She knows she’s being cared for and allows herself to relax, be caressed, cuddled, and crooned to. She allowed that before, but now she’s more aware of us. I feel for the first time like her mommy. I knew I was a mother, but not until recently have I become a mommy.

To Bed!

I should be in bed by now. Husband will become peeved soon that I’m not.

An advice nurse advised:

soak her bottom in warm water with 2 Tbsp. of baking soda several times a day.
Use lotrimin anti-fungal cream (or similar brand) on her bottom, because bright red rash indicates possible yeast infection.
Let her be diaper-free as much as possible.
Give her 2 oz. of Pedialyte if her diarrhea happens often and in large amounts.
Use only warm water and cotton balls to clean her bottom and pat dry with cotton balls.
Use Desitin the rest of the time.

If it got worse, or if there was mucous or blood in the stool (indication of bacterial infection), she said to see the doctor in the morning. Well, the rash seems worse. The stool doesn’t have mucous but is different in consistency (I’ll spare you the description). There is no blood in the stool, but she bleeds when her skin is cleaned (and screams, stiffens like a board, and curls her little toes tight in response). I called an advice nurse this evening to see about the hydrocortisone cream someone suggested and to ask if infant Tylenol would help. I was told no to the cream and given advice on the dose for the pain-killer. Someone had suggested her symptoms could be teething related (it’s very early but can happen), but she said with 13 bowel movements in the day as of 8 p.m. is sounded more like a viral infection. (Claire normally has 3-4. Friday it was 5; Saturday it was 7; today the final count is unknown.) Also, the medicated ointment and Desitin don’t really stay on her skin, because the part that is the worst is seeping with plasma and is too wet for the goo to adhere.) She’s low on her intake for the day, because when she eats her tummy starts to hurt with gas and she can’t continue, or she soils her diaper during the meal and then it’s game over, because the pain overwhelms her. You can bet I’ll be on the phone at 8 a.m. tomorrow asking for an appointment.

She’s not direly ill, and she does manage to be cheerful some of the time. This will pass, whatever it is. I’m wound up right now, though, and a small glass of red wine is easing me toward relaxation. Sleep is next. For me, at least, and I hope for her.

Bottoms Up

My poor baby. For the past two days Claire has had an upset tummy, lots of burping and gas passing, frequent bowel movements that seem to be diarrhea (what else could frequent BMs mean?), and has developed a nasty diaper rash called perianal dermatitis as a result of the frequent movements. She screams when her diaper is changed, she writhes after a poop, she sometimes cannot finish a meal if that happens during it, and she has a gassy tummy, which hurts and makes her cry, which makes more gas, of course.

We can’t figure out if it’s a bug or a reaction to formula (but she’s back on the hypoallergenic one). The water we use is filtered (but not boiled). If it’s a bug we don’t know where she contracted it, because she doesn’t go many places, and when she does only we touch her. It’s possible we passed it to her with something on our hands that didn’t make us sick because we’re bigger with stronger immune systems.

I know it isn’t life-threatening, but I’m so sad to see her in pain. Her eyes are wide and puffy and sad. I know she knows we’re trying to help and comfort her. She tries to smile after the pain of the diaper change ends and a new diaper is on.

We’re keeping her bottom clean and dry, slathered with Desitin, exposed to air some of the time. We’re rinsing her bottom with warm water and cotton balls even though the wipes are alcohol-free. We’re using the same brand of wipes and diapers, so I don’t think the rash is caused by a reaction to those; it’s got to be the irritants of the poops, their frequency, and the frequency of cleaning that has irritated her skin. I called the doctor and am waiting to hear back from an on-call nurse just to see if there’s something we don’t know that would help her.

I’m operating on four hours of sleep. Right after the nurse calls, I’m going to try to catch a little sleep while Grandma takes over.

Good Morning!

It’s 4:30 a.m.!! Why aren’t you up yet?? (Someone woke at 1 a.m., 2 a.m., and 3:50 a.m. very hungry.)

This is a photo taken on 9/8/07 when I first held Claire, less than one hour after her birth. (She was 11 days late, labor was induced, I labored 22 hours and because of failure to progress beyond 6 cm, I had an emergency C-section.) There is also a charming little movie 1.5 minutes long of us talking. She squeaked, hiccuped, and yawned. Claire had been stuck in the birth canal for many hours, so she had quite the conehead, but that disappeared in the first day. She was so wee!!

A Christmas Gift Like No Other

Update: New photos of Claire on Flickr!

One year ago today I learned I was pregnant. For those who haven’t been reading my blog long (or who might have forgotten), here’s the back story. After two miscarriages in 2005, we tried in 2006. I became nervous about the lack of progress, and Husband and I decided to see a fertility specialist. (My husband is ten years younger and had not the sense of urgency I felt about the waning opportunity.) On November 13 we met with the doctor, who advised that because of my “advanced maternal age,” the likelihood of successful in vitro conception with my own eggs was less than 10% per attempt. In other words, my eggs were old, tired, dried up, and probably rife with genetic misinformation. Those were bad odds, so I made peace with the idea of using egg donation. We agreed to have testing done (for both of us) and begin in January.

A week later I had another FSH hormone test done which showed the levels to be normal (the previous one had been a “tad” high at 11). The specialist wanted another, more invasive test done to check the health of my uterus, but my HMO insurance would not cover it because the specialist was out of network. No problem; we switched to a more expensive PPO for 2007 and would wait to do the test then.

Then we proceeded to just live. My period came and went at the end of November. I relaxed knowing we would be doing something constructive in the near future and focused on preparing for my favorite holiday.

On this day last year, I was having tea with Eileen. I had not been feeling my best the previous week. I felt bloated, tired, a little green around the edges sometimes, and had to pee every five minutes (at least, it felt that often). During tea I confided to Eileen and wistfully said, “I really wish I were pregnant. These are the same signs from past pregnancies. I would prefer not to go through the torment that is in vitro.” She agreed that this would be a preferable, happier outcome.

After tea I came home to a letter from our landlords asking us to vacate the house by mid-February. This was completely unexpected. We knew the house was intended for their son someday, but we had the impression that “someday” was years off. Yet we’d also been talking about moving, because the house was one room shy of enough space for a child. Well, this was a fortuitous kick in the pants to get started, because…

I still had one pregnancy test left from the last package. That night on a whim I took it. My attitude was: Well, I may as well use this up. I’m not pregnant, I’m sure, but what the heck. Then I saw. TWO LINES!!! Holy macaroni! Oh, the confirmation line wasn’t strong, but it was there. I was stunned. I ran into the other room waving the wand in Husband’s face. He was tentatively thrilled. We agreed, though, that we’d act like this wasn’t a big deal and say nothing until after we’d passed eight weeks (the latest I’d miscarried). But my oh my, look what a present I ended up with!

Later in the week I took two more home pregnancy tests, each with a stronger result. Then one day I had cramping and spotting. I resigned myself to the probability of miscarriage. It turned out that was implantation bleeding, and this was a good thing. We departed for Syracuse to spend holiday with family, and upon arriving home December 30th, morning sickness arrived full-blown and all day long. (We house-hunted throughout that time. You don’t think Pixie will be hearing about that in later years, do you?) It wasn’t until we saw the OB in my 11th week that we fully relaxed into the reality of this, but we didn’t share the news with family officially until after week 12 (some from my side guessed during the holidays at week 6, but we did not discuss it), and with the rest of the world until after week 18. It was very difficult to remain mum about this, but I’m glad we did; it made the sharing quite enjoyable.

So this year, I’ve decided I want a million dollars. Just one million will do. 😉

(Not really. I wrote about what I want for Christmahanakwanzayule.)

In closing, how fitting, then, that this evening I’ll attend the baby shower for my friend Nathania, who knew about my pregnancy losses, my fear, my hope and my joy, and who in her second trimester assisted my labor and the arrival of Claire.

Can’t Talk Now. Sleeping. (I Wish)

My darling dumpling daughter is waking around 4:15 a.m. the past few days. I’m taking those feedings. It makes for a long day, even if I get a nap, which I don’t usually.

I’m grateful my MIL is cooking or I’d starve and be much crankier. I also think my exhaustion is related to PMS (I didn’t miss that when pregnant!).

Anyhow, other than the painfully early arising, Claire is adorable. We stopped the transition to the regular formula and the next day she was cheerful again. Today I made her giggle! Every day she is more aware and awake, more amazing. She can hold her head steady now. She loves to sit with support. She devours her fingers and is already quite drooly. She can’t be teething yet! Right? Today she grabbed my nose with her hand and wriggled happily when I talked in a funny voice after.

I don’t know what she weighs now, but her 0-3 month clothing fits her just right.

—

Today and yesterday I had the California Shopping Experience while looking for three things. (This is my and Husband’s term for the fact that any item one really wants/needs to purchase is destined not to be easily found, because stores here just don’t have the warehouse space to stock things. Two days ago I had to search three stores to find a can of Claire’s formula.) I finally found two of them and a substitute for the third.

The first thing I looked for were two more Zyliss Quick-Blend Shakers. We have two, and I wanted two more — one set to be in the dishwasher at day’s end and another to have the next day’s milk. These are handy, because they fit on a blender and mix the hypoallergenic formula well. I finally found them at a Bed Bath & Beyond in South San Jose (the Santa Clara one where I got the first two didn’t have them anymore). After the second failed attempt I got smart and called a couple stores first. Is it pathetic that I searched so hard for these? Maybe. I know it’s compulsive. Maybe what is pathetic is that I am so pleased to have them.

The other two items I wanted were ingredients for making a soup my brother recently made and emailed about. The recipe calls for Sopressata and Abruzzese sausage, which he said are commonly available. Maybe in Austin, dude! I had to go to two different stores just to find Sopressata last night. Today I went to three stores for the Abruzzese, the last of which was Zanotto’s Italian grocery. I figured they’d have it. Well, they’d never heard of it. However, because it’s family-owned, they give a damn. So the staff researched it on the Internet and came back to tell me it’s a region in central Italy. Zanotto’s owners are from northern Italy (Venice), and I was told different dialects mean that the same thing may be called by several names. In the end I described what I wanted to make and they sold me Salametti, which might do the job just as well. I hope so (though I’ll have to compensate for the absence of the spiciness of Abruzzese). I simmered a chicken carcass and smoked ham shank to make the stock today. The soup itself takes two more days. I hope it’s as sublime as he promised.

Now please say goodnight and wish me sweet dreams, because I’m due to be up in about seven hours.

A Good Man

I feel like a bit of a heel. Husband, though he has to work today, was willing to arise at 4:45 a.m. to feed Claire, despite the fact I’m “on duty” as of 5 a.m. Not only that, but yesterday he vacuumed all the sawdust out of the attic (courtesy of the roofers) in order to retrieve the Christmas decoration boxes. Then he put up the tree and helped me string it with lights. After that, he fixed my computer. Oh, and this was all yesterday, and he then he took the feedings and beddings from 6 p.m. onward.

So why did I not get up a bit early? Well, aside from the fact I’ve been doing that for several days (she’s taken to waking to eat just before 5 a.m. now), it’s the fact that I didn’t want to. I was tired and sleepy. Even though I was in bed and asleep by 8 p.m. last night. The thing is, the past few days I can barely stand up after 6 p.m. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the fact I arise in the dark and then darkness falls early, but I had trouble stringing words into sentences last night at dinner. I felt very, very cross with raw nerves and was desperate for sleep. And it’s not as though I did much during the day!

So shortly after 5 a.m. I went down to him and Claire and apologized for being too lame to get up, since I was now wide awake (my usual time anymore). He said not to worry. I changed her and he rocked her back to sleep. I’m sitting in the living room with coffee. Usually at this time, Claire is with me, sleeping in her swing.

Oh, the tree is up. We shoved furniture over into corners and removed a couple of baby things. I truly enjoyed decorating it, and Claire was fascinated watching. I used fewer ornaments than in the past. We put presents under it because Stella wanted to chew the electrical cord. (I don’t know why, but that’s what lures her these days.) I left a lot of decorations in the boxes. We have a tree and some lights, and that’s just plenty.

Three Months

At 12:49 a.m., Claire turned three months old. Back when the colic was its worst and I was shakiest, Karen had suggested I mark my calendar to note when the fourth trimester ends. It gave me something to look forward to — the magical date that readers, friends, and family all promised would change my life. The improvement happened, not necessarily in one day, but I’m not quibbling!

As I write this, my Petite Eclair is napping in her swing, grinning about something she’s dreaming. Milk? Mommy’s singing? Daddy’s silly faces? She is marvelous. Every day I see changes in her size, appearance, movement, and comprehension.

This weekend we hope to make the transition back to normal formula instead of the “liquid gold” that we’ve been using. We’re introducing the new formula in a 1:3 ratio with a progression of 2:2, then 3:1, and by Monday I hope it’s all plain ol’ formula and her tummy is content and pain-free. She still gets her Zantac twice a day, and this has made all the difference. About a month ago she started taking it willingly. She even smiles when we’re done.

Also, since my mother-in-law is here, I’ve been instituting one nap in her crib. She now has a sleep routine well-established at night. Daddy rocks her until she’s drowsy, places her in the crib, and she falls asleep herself. She sleeps in four-hour stretches, though the middle of the night span has increased to five hours. However, with me she still took all her naps in the swing. I needed someone else during the day to provide moral support during the crying. So here is how it has played out this week.

Tuesday: Claire hardly kept her eyes open while having a snack. I gently put her in the crib and her eyes flew open. I said sweet things and told her to have a good nap. I left the room. Wailing and gnashing of gums ensued. After 13 minutes, I went in to console her for five minutes. (This involves singing, rubbing the belly and head, and patting her leg while she remains in the crib.) She cried throughout this. After five minutes I said I loved her and to have a good nap. Woe and wrath continued. After 15 minutes, I went in for another five minutes of comforting, then left again. About five minutes after that, after the cries were interspersed with quiet moments, she fell asleep — for all of 20 minutes. However, that was success! When she woke, I retrieved her, and we went back to playing.

Wednesday: Claire had a little milk and was rocked; she was drowsy but awake when I put her down. After the usual good wishes, I left the room. She was silent for 15 minutes, and then realized, Hey, where’d Mommy go? I’m alone in here! Crying and protesting began. I did one cycle of waiting, then one of consoling, and mid-way in the second cycle of crying she fell asleep for 25 minutes.

Thursday: Claire fell asleep at the bottle. (We go to her room, where it’s quiet, to drink and rock a bit.) I oh-so-carefully laid her in the crib, and she stayed asleep. Her catnap lasted 35 minutes.

Friday: She was again drowsy at the bottle. I laid her down barely awake. She stirred slightly and began to cry. I left the room; the wait time for this day was 15 minutes before checking. About 30 seconds before I was going to go in, she fell quiet. I could hear breathing on the monitor. She was asleep! And she slept for 45 minutes.

We’re learning together.

I’m really glad my MIL is here, because I was tempted each day to scoop Claire out of the crib and just put her in the swing again. But getting her accustomed to a nap in her crib means she can safely sleep while I do tasks in other parts of the house. She needs to learn how to soothe herself as well. Her other two naps — early morning and late morning — still happen in the swing, and they tend to be 2-3 hours long. Eventually we’ll get there. Oh, one other funny note: at night, sometimes after she’s put in her crib, she starts moaning. It’s not protest crying. It’s a little whiny in tone; she does this for a number of minutes (usually while sucking on her fingers) until she falls asleep. I’ve decided it’s her When Harry Met Sally pre-sleep routine.

[Casablanca ends with “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”]
Harry: Mmm, best last line of a movie ever.
Sally: Hmm….
Harry: I’m definitely coming down with something. Probably a twenty-four hour tumor; they’re going around.
Sally: You don’t have a tumor.
Harry: How do you know?
Sally: If you’re so worried go see a doctor.
Harry: No, he’ll just tell me it’s nothing.
Sally: Will you be able to sleep?
Harry: If not I’ll be OK.
Sally: What will you do?
Harry: I’ll stay up moan. May be I should practice now. (moans….)
Sally: Goodnight Harry.
Harry: Goodnight.

(Both hang up the phone)

(Sally’s light is out)

(Harry keeps moaning… and eventually lights out)

I’ve been signing the word milk to her whenever she seems to be hungry. I say the word in a questioning voice with my eyebrows raised and make the sign. I do this several times and then get the bottle. I hold the bottle in one hand, make the sign with other, and ask the question: Milk? She watches my hand. She responds to the question by wriggling, kicking, and nearly panting. At some point around 6-9 months (or later, I don’t care) she might start making the sign herself to request milk. I’ll gradually introduce other signs over time.

Have I mentioned how adorable she is? And how beautifully, intricately marvelous? Happy third month, sweet Claire!

Crafty For Christmas

I bought an inexpensive plain felt stocking and embellished it. This was a more sane choice than trying to knit one. I hope she’ll grow to treasure it as I treasure the one my mother made for me (and that I still use).

The PICOI

Of course, the People In Charge Of Irony read my last post and decided to relieve me of my hubris and delusion.

Tuesday Claire woke for the day at 4:20 a.m. I got up. This morning she woke for a snack at 3:25 a.m. Husband took that one. He coaxed her back to sleep and returned to bed at 4:45 a.m. She’s still asleep but I expect she’ll wake shortly.

However, she remains cheerful and sweet. As long as she’s getting rest, is healthy, and generally happy, no complaints here.

Her intake yesterday: 32.25 ounces

I woke at 5 a.m. despite the fact she’s still asleep, which is a bit of a bummer, because I’m going to San Francisco tonight for a nice dinner out and to see a play with some friends (a Girls’ Night Out). We’re going to see The Color Purple. At least, I hope to stay awake through the performance!

A Mindful Life / Kathryn Harper

express : discover : renew : create