Category Archives: Community

Tilted

I wish I knew where my equanimity wandered off to. I am restless tonight! I went out to be social at the yarn store, but I forgot my essentials, so I had nothing to knit, and I felt out of sync with the conversations there. I was welcomed, to be sure, but it’s been so long that I’ve done something purely recreational with other adults whose life focus isn’t on small children that I hardly knew how to converse. I remind myself that if I keep returning, the connections will flow again.

I’ve been reading steadily, a mixture of fiction and non-fiction. I finally have learned to use the scanner we bought last December, and I’ve scanned much of my art portfolio. I haven’t unboxed the sewing machine yet, but I will in time.

Disappointment

Well, we were going to make an offer on the house today, and as of yesterday there were supposedly no offers (we went to see it last evening), but today we learned there were four offers and one was accepted. The accepted offer was the asking price. We were going to offer less, so we wouldn’t have been accepted anyway. But it was a nice house, the first one in our price range that we could see ourselves living in and enjoying, with a lovely front and back yard. I’m sad and frustrated. It was a nice neighborhood — not near the train tracks, with a really good public school, good yard, nice interior, reasonable commute. It did, however, have an intense curry smell from the past occupants. Curry is fried with oil and then it permeates all surfaces (paint, rugs, etc.). Curry can be difficult to completely eradicate, and it’s not our favorite scent. So it’s one less problem.

I’ll continue to take a break from looking, and Husband will continue to go to open houses on the really good ones, and we’ll keep hoping.

In The Moment

Life is prodding me to stay present and not borrow trouble in the future. This is a discipline, one that requires traipsing after my thoughts like I do after my toddler.

The microwave broke again, despite our being careful not to use the front burner to cook steamy things (which apparently caused the circuits to short out last December, because the cupboards are not built to code, and the microwave is too close to the stovetop). It was a very expensive ($400+) repair the first time. Do you know how much we use a microwave? Dozens of times a day.

I mentioned this frustration at a play date, and another mother gave me a microwave that was sitting unused in her garage. They’ve bought a new house, so it’s one less thing for her to move as well. My problem is half-solved!
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My knee has been cracking more frequently of late. Yes, the knee that had surgery. It’s not the kneecap (though that cracks a little occasionally), but the femur and tibia crack when I walk up stairs or move certain ways. It hurts, too. I can’t produce the problem on command, however, so pinpointing it will be hard. I’ve started to compensate for my lack of confidence in that leg by limping a little, which has worsened the pain in my left heel as well. I feel old again. There will be no easy solution to this.
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This morning my little Eclaire and Husband gave me sweet cards that made me cry, some perfume (“my” scent that I’ve used 15 years), and Lindor truffles. Husband got up with me at 6 a.m. and made us pancakes for breakfast. We went to a park for 90 minutes, and then we went to look at a house. We liked it. It might be the one. But we’ll see. Mustn’t get ahead of ourselves.
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For Me

After nap, I went out with Claire to run an errand, and I found myself driving past the Chung Tai Zen Center of Sunnyvale. I’d heard of them a couple years ago but never pursued actually locating the center. I’d also been on a mailing list for another Zen center in Mountain View, but I just haven’t gotten there yet.

As I drove by, I told myself I’d stop in next Wednesday when the babysitter relieves me for awhile. Then I changed my mind, because I felt nudged to take action right then. So I unloaded Claire (who was wearing her cheap sunglasses on a rainy day) and carried her in with me.

I was greeted effusively by a monk who was very sweet to Claire. I told them I had stopped in on a whim and that I wondered if they held sessions or classes. I was introduced to the Vice Abbott who gave me some handouts. He had led us to a classroom where he I think planned to give me time to read the material and then return to answer questions I had, but with Claire that wasn’t feasible. So we chatted briefly, and I learned that they are just about to offer their next session of classes. Each class is two hours, with the first hour being instruction and the second being meditation.

The level 1 class involves learning about meditation methods: breath-counting, mindfulness of the breath, middle way reality (a Zen practice). The topics covered are introduction to Buddhism and Zen, Karma and causality, the Four Noble Truths (suffering, the causes of suffering, nirvana, the Noble Eightfold Path), Three Refuges, Five Precepts. This class is on Saturday afternoons and is three months long.

The one hitch is that the time of class, 3-5 p.m., falls directly into the time we usually attend open houses. Some open houses are only held on Saturdays. While we are taking May off from searching, we do plan to return to house hunting later. My attendance at class will interfere with this. But this is something I really need. Husband supports me doing this, and I consider my timing propitious.

So that’s where I will spend next Saturday afternoon. Yay me.

Infusion

Although today is cloudy and rainy, I’m energized and in a better mood. This morning I went to a friend’s home for a play date and we had a great visit. A little later another friend came with her daughter, and our three daughters played together while we adults got to catch up. It had been awhile since we’d been able to visit for an extended time.

I pushed Claire a little and stayed longer than I usually do. Most of the time I have us home by 11 a.m. for lunch and down for a nap no later than 12:15, because in the past missing that window meant she didn’t sleep at all (or very long) due to being overtired. But today I needed to visit, so we got home at 11:45 and ate a quick lunch. She was close to a tantrum, being so tired, but she went to sleep quickly at 12:30. I’m hoping for a usual nap of 90 minutes to two hours.

I’ve had a little too much coffee, and I need some food, and I feel a wave of sleepiness coming on…

Replenishment

Claire woke at 5:40 a.m. this morning, which is unusually early; for the past few months she shifted her wake time to 6-6:30, and sometimes as late as 7:00. I left her be until 6:10. When I went into her bedroom and leaned over the crib, she said, “I could eat an elephant!” (This is what a hungry lion says in one of her current favorite books, The Saggy Baggy Elephant.) As I carried her downstairs, she also told me how Stella (our cat) was mad and angry and kept repeating she could eat an elephant. I suspect that she was telling me she was mad at not being retrieved right when she woke up, because she was hungry.

Then she requested peanut butter toast and ate only four bites. Perplexing child! (Later she ate two yogurts in one sitting.)

One of Claire’s aunts sent a bunch of books I remember well from childhood, and Claire now enjoys them routinely: There’s a Wocket in My Pocket!; Go, Dog. Go! (a tedious book); A Fly Went By; Are You My Mother? (another tedious book to me, but not to her). She also passionately enjoys Richard Scarry’s Best Word Book Ever; Busy, Busy Town; and Cars and Trucks and Things That Go (especially Goldbug). These are her most requested books of late.

And quite recently, out of the blue, Claire has started singing songs, some of which she has not heard for many months (from former Music Together classes). She gets the lyrics correct some of the time, but it doesn’t really matter; she likes to sing little ditties to herself that she makes up too. I marvel at how her brain is blooming.
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On another, less marvelous note, however, is the fact that sometimes I feel the hours of each day weigh on me, and I’m feeling again as though I haven’t got a “me.” Claire is a busy, interactive child. I often find that when I put her down for a nap, I need one too. And by the time she goes to bed at 8:00 p.m., I’m so spent I’ve no energy to write (even email) or do anything recreational; I’m even too tired to go out by myself to get groceries. I’m in bed by 9:30, usually asleep. In addition to this is the fact that my social interaction with other mothers has been cut due to changes in my and my friends’ activities and schedules, so the days feel long. If I deprive myself of the nap, my ass drags through the afternoon, and I usually end up drinking a couple servings of coffee just to stay conscious. It is not an enjoyable way to pass time. Yet this is what I am doing today, because I really need to write and reflect.

What this means, for me, is that I often find myself thinking about the next thing when I’m with Claire. I’m thinking about her next snack, or how many minutes until 8 a.m. when I can get Husband up so I can have my hour to exercise and shower. I’m thinking about how to get through the afternoon until he comes home at 6:30ish. I find myself not enjoying yet another game of “I’m gonna get you!” or the 20th reading of the same story. I feel spent. And I feel sad about this, because Claire is comprehending and communicating ever more, and becoming such an interesting little person. But lately I feel I’m putting in time.

What’s interesting about this is that she is no more demanding, really, than she was a year ago. She could do far less for herself a year ago, and I was physically more constrained by this. She wants to interact more, but in reality her communication skills are so developed that we rarely have skirmishes due to misunderstandings. Her will is getting stronger. She dawdles more, defies requests more frequently. I have to be creative in my responses, pick my battles, decide when to wait and when I’ve had enough and just want to get the task done. Once upon a time I just picked her up and went. Perhaps this is where my exhaustion arises?

I wish I was more energized. I wish I appreciated her more in this time period. I’m unsettled by my internal responses.

But really, I think she’s amazing (she’ll be 20 months old next week). Here’s proof — if the embedded video doesn’t work, click here. (And now it’s time for my nap.)

Already Over

Today was my last day of physical therapy. I felt a little wistful, because I’ve gone twice a week for six weeks, and you get to know the therapists and aides a bit. I would highly recommend Santa Clara Sports Therapy to anyone; they are professional and friendly, and the atmosphere is not at all intimidating. I’m going to miss Ray, the therapist who worked on my knee the most. He was always upbeat and helpful, and his massages were thorough. My knee still has some swelling and occasional pain, but I’m fairly mobile and my legs are much stronger.
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There was a confirmed case of swine flu in a local high school. Branham high school was closed for a week; the infected student had recently traveled to southern California. There are three other probable cases of swine flu in Santa Clara county as well. While Husband and I don’t want to overreact, we decided to cancel our outing to the SF Zoo on Sunday. We figured it’s unwise to be exposed to hundreds of people and the surfaces they touch, and caution doesn’t cost us anything. The zoo isn’t going anywhere.

Do The Right Thing

It’s Earth Day. One of our kitchen fluorescent tube lights burned out and we have to dispose of it. After some Googling, I found this information for California:

A fluorescent light tube in your dumpster is a violation of the hazardous waste laws. Violation of these laws can result in large fines and criminal prosecution.

Fluorescent tubes contain mercury and become hazardous wastes when they no longer work. Mercury poses especially serious hazards to pregnant women and small children. Non-working tubes must be recycled by an authorized recycling firm and cannot be discarded in the trash.

Fluorescent tubes and bulbs may be managed as universal wastes under Title 22, Chapter 23 of the California Code of Regulations. This allows those who wish to discard their fluorescent tubes and lamps to do so more easily than if they were managed as hazardous wastes.

Although spent fluorescent lights can not go into the trash, there are several options for getting them to an environmentally safe and responsible recycler.

For residential disposal, you can do the following:

Find a partner in the Take-It-Back Program and drop it off (such as Orchard Supply Hardware).

Find the local Household Hazardous Waste Facility to take fluorescent tubes
and bulbs along with other universal wastes — search Earth911 or the Department of Toxic Substances Control.

This and more information for California is in this PDF.

Still Trying To Wrap My Brain Around This

Apparently it’s all doom an gloom still in the housing market. We’re still looking to see what’s out there that we can possibly afford without risking our necks and also feel comfortable living in. Please note in the quote below what is considered the “low end” of home values here. We’re talking about houses, condos, and town homes that are 1,200 to 1,900 square feet.

“Sales are up dramatically,” said Jim Klinge, an agent in San Diego. “There’s a group of buyers that need housing more than they need to pay attention to the doom and gloom headlines we see every single day.”

Many of his buyers are young people who are backed financially by their parents. Mr. Klinge noted that all the sales were on the low end, which in San Diego means less than $500,000.

—Record Drop in January Index of Home Prices

We went looking at new construction last weekend. I have to admit there’s a huge appeal to shiny new homes. Especially at these prices. If you’re going to spend that kind of dough, getting something fresh and new makes sense. These homes aren’t complete, so when you purchase you can choose what counters, paint colors, floors, etc. you want. So, shiny and new is attractive, unless you want a postage stamp yard (i.e., a detached single family home). If you want actual land with your house, you get much less interior space or house that needs some work.

One of the realities I am struggling to accept (I have actively resisted) is that we live in an urban area. I cannot recreate the neighborhood in which I grew up. We will never own a house with the size yard that I enjoyed. I cannot do this because it’s just so dense and intense here. Claire is having her childhood, not mine. It’s a fact of our lives that we live an urban existence. I need to find what is good about that for her sake and mine.

Drama We Don’t Like

A couple months ago, two blocks from here where I walk with Claire, a man brandishing a gun wandered the streets and was shot by police when he refused to drop the weapon. I think he survived. I haven’t heard anything about it since, but it’s disconcerting. We could have been taking a walk in that area at the moment.

Last night six people died in a family murder-suicide in an area of Santa Clara where friends live, and where we have looked at housing. Of course, these tragedies happen all over, even in rural areas.

We just had an earthquake here at 10:40 a.m. Not huge, but a reminder of a restless earth.

April Is The Cruelest Coolest Month

Interesting article here: The End of Verse? Or, I can summarize it for you.

Verse is not dead yet.
As long as there is language
poems will exist.

April is National Poetry Month. It’s also NaPoWriMo. I tried this in 2006 and burned out halfway through the month, although some of what I wrote I thought was solid. I’m giving this year a pass, though who know? I might quietly be inspired to try. If I pretend I don’t really care, maybe I can fool myself into playing and actually accomplish it.

Aftermath

The surgery was fine. I had no issue with anesthesia. Yay me!

Turned out that I had two tears in my medial meniscus. One of them had actually bent in on itself, so the cartilage was folded under. The surgeon also smoothed a little of the cartilage under my kneecap, though since it doesn’t grow back he didn’t want to do too much. Removal of cartilage such as the meniscus sets the stage for arthritis. Oh, I also have some arthritis in the area already from walking on this untreated for nearly two years. Ah well. On the upside, having the removal done instead of a repair means I’m off crutches within two weeks instead of on them for four.

Claire is fine. The babysitter arrived while she ate an early lunch, so she knew Mommy and Daddy were leaving. I managed to put her down for a nap at 11:30 a.m.; then we left. She slept two hours! When I got home she wasn’t clingy or upset. She’d had a grand time with A and enjoyed the new toys I’d left for her. She was curious about my crutches — indeed, she wants to walk off with them. She also wanted to crawl on top of me as I laid on the couch, but we told her I have a big ouchie boo-boo. She seems to understand this a bit.

Husband took good care of all of us. Two friends brought over a little care package of yummy bath goodies, a knitting magazine, and magazine cookbood for slow cookers and casseroles. The pictures are fun to look at. I can’t quite focus my eyes. The surgeon called to see how I’m doing, so my work here is done! I’ve been dozing on the couch in a haze of hydrocodone. I’m too tired to resist its serenade, so I’ll sign off here.

Oh, and happy anniversary, Husband. We’ve been married four years!

This And That

My surgery is set for Friday, March 13. No, I’m not superstitious. That is also my wedding anniversary! My SIL is coming the next day, so she will help and Husband will also be home. My MIL is on stand-by, so to speak. We won’t know until after the surgery if it will be a removal or a repair. If it’s a repair, I will be on crutches four weeks, and we will need my MIL. A removal of the cartilage is more common and much easier to heal from.

Claire is not going to like this. First off, her babysitter will be with her all day on March 13 and will put her down for a nap. The only people whom Claire falls asleep for is me and Husband, so it remains to be seen if she’ll nap. She also won’t understand why I am not moving, and if I don’t rise to her imperious commands (Get up! Get up!) and play, we’ll see a lot of tantrums. It’s going to be interesting.

What else is new? Let’s see… I’m feeling some dislocation and sadness because I managed to alienate a close friend and while we are still friends, it is clear that a level of intimacy is gone. This friend has instead moved closer to another mutual friend. I am trying to let things be, and to remain open, and to remember love. There are consequences to my actions. I brought this on myself, so to speak.

Given that my free time is limited, I’ve been giving thought to paring down some of my online activities that suck time out from under me. I’m unsubscribing from certain newsletters, and I’ve deleted my account from Facebook. There are too few moments in each day, and I have the email addresses and phone numbers of people I want to keep in touch with. Simplicity is key.

I finally finished a scarf for my sister Ellen. It’s pretty, and I’ll post a photo of it later. Now I need to think of something else to knit.