Random Notes

This was a work weekend. Husband did most of the outdoor work, cleaning and raking the back yard, replacing rotted wood posts, and generally making the space habitable for Bean and me to play. I raked and swept, but much of the credit belongs to him.

I noticed today that plain unleaded gas is $4.39 a gallon in my neighborhood. Just four days ago I paid $4.19 — I’m sure it will get much worse.

I unpacked and stored our emergency food supply — enough to last us a month. We purchased 30 packages of Mayday 3600 calorie food bars; these are good for five years (and probably longer). They are stored in our cars in the “go bags” and in the home emergency supply bin. We don’t have enough water for the county’s recommended timeframe of two weeks, but we’ll amend that soon. Some day there will be a disaster here, most likely an earthquake, and we’ll be (I hope) somewhat prepared to deal with primitive conditions. Beyond gathering supplies and creating a plan, there’s nothing one can do. So it’s done (we’ve had the kits for years but the food got stale), and now we can focus on other things.

I also spent the weekend on Ravelry. It is the BEST site ever for knitters and crocheters. I recorded all my knitting and crochet needles, my entire stash of yarn (which is teeny compared to my friends), my knitting books, favorite patterns, my queue of projects I intend to make. This way I will always know how much yarn I have so that when I find a pattern I love, I can figure out which yarn to use. For non-knitters this may be of little interest, but it is THE BOMB for those who do.

Bean had long naps this weekend — one was 2.5 hours! She was sweet and chipper and her usual beautiful self. She cuddles more and more. We giggle and do nose kisses and generally enjoy our existence. We love her so much. 🙂

I need to go pick up the living room (it’s strewn with toys) and knit a little while before bed. Happy new week!

The Hazards of Motherhood

I have found the past few days challenging. Bean, I think, is teething (I know, it’s ongoing). She has a third tooth breaking through on top, and I think a feel a fourth just under the gum. She’s quickly tired and more fussy, and exceptionally clingy with me. Part of the challenge is the emotional drain, especially since her ego and will are strengthening; as I’ve said before, I can see the toddler in her. I can see how the clash of wills will arise. The other part of the challenge is that she’s getting physically bigger, stronger, and heavier. My arms have been getting stronger, but they do feel the strain. So does my back.

Then there’s the other hazard of motherhood: the chink in the armor that exposes the heart. On NPR this morning I heard a snippet from Story Corps. It was a mother recalling the time when her 10-year old son, who went to watch a sunset from a street corner, was killed by a reckless driver. As she described what she did and felt as she became aware that her son was the focus of the accident scene, and as she described how surprised she was that she survived the loss (because she felt the grief so terribly), and as she described the kind of kid he was, my heart broke and tears poured out. I was sitting on the floor with Bean playing and there was no guard, no warning. I scooped her up and hugged her.

Forget the concept of the “chink in the armor”; there is no armor at all. I just manage, most of the time, to ignore this fact by redirecting my thoughts whenever I’m tempted to think about what it would feel like if something bad happened to Bean or if I lost her. Motherhood is a practice of denial — denial of the ego, of the temptation to torture oneself with terrible fantasies. But first you must be in the vulnerable place of exposure. I wasn’t able to conceive this until I arrived at motherhood.

About Oleander

Someone asked about how poisonous Oleander is. From Wikipedia:

Oleander is one of the most poisonous plants and contains numerous toxic compounds, many of which can be deadly to people, especially young children. The toxicity of Oleander is considered extremely high and it has been reported that in some cases only a small amount had lethal or near lethal effects (Goetz 1998). The most significant of these toxins are oleandrin and neriine, which are cardiac glycosides (Goetz 1998). “Cardiac glycocides are naturally occurring” plant or animal compounds “whose actions include both beneficial and toxic effects on the heart” (Desai 2000). They are present in all parts of the plant, but are most concentrated in the sap, which can block out receptors in the skin causing numbness. It is thought that Oleander may contain many other unknown or un-researched compounds that may have dangerous effects (Inchem 2005). Oleander bark contains rosagenin which is known for its strychnine-like effects. The entire plant including the milky white sap is toxic and any part can cause an adverse reaction. Oleander is also known to hold its toxicity even after drying. It is thought that a handful or 10-20 leaves consumed by an adult can cause an adverse reaction, and a single leaf could be lethal to an infant or child. According to the Toxic Exposure Surveillance System (TESS) in 2002 there were 847 known human poisonings in the United States related to Oleander (Watson 2003). There are innumerable reported suicidal cases of consuming mashed oleander seeds in southern India. In animals, around 0.5 mg per kilogram of body weight is lethal to many animals, and various other doses will affect other animals (Inchem 2005). Most animals can suffer a reaction or death from this plant.

We still have a lot of clean-up to do out back to get rid of dried old leaves, and we’ll still need to be very alert when Bean is out there.

Transition

When we moved into this town home, we didn’t realize how dark it was until after we arrived. There are two citrus trees in back, and there were three huge, overgrown Oleanders. The next door neighbor spoke to us about getting the Oleander trimmed, since they shed constantly and their leaves were hurting her Camellias. We didn’t pursue it since we were renting and had other things to ask the landlords to fix first.

But a month ago we learned that Oleander, while very pretty, is poisonous. Just touching the leaves can be harmful. We want Bean to be safe out back. Since we are renewing the lease, it seemed like a good time to ask they be trimmed. We made the case to the owners, who sent someone to make an estimate. The recommendation was to remove them entirely. This morning that job was done. Now the backyard feels naked. One tree, a privet, was left; it was determined to be stable, provides a little shade, and doesn’t drop leaves. But it’s gangly, since the Oleander choked it so long the trunk is tall and branchless.

I’m always sad to see trees cut down. We’ve also lost some privacy. The foliage really blocked the view of our neighbors on both sides. One neighbor lives about 30 feet behind us (and they engage in loud and ugly arguments, from which the foliage gave at least visual protection). Yet safety is a priority. And now we have much more light coming into the house while still enjoying pockets of shade outside.

Before cutting, side view

before tree cutting

After cutting, side view

after tree cutting

Before cutting, direct back view

before tree cutting 2

After cutting, direct back view

after tree cutting 2

After cutting, direct back view again

after tree cutting 3

Bean’s Latest

Bean has begun to make the kissing/fish mouth. She especially likes when I make a fish face; she laughs.

She crawls all over the room chasing the cat, who is determined to hang out with the rest of us. Stella moves about four feet away, and Bean just turns and heads forth. As soon as she’s close enough, Stella moves again. This doesn’t discourage Bean; she laughs and thinks it’s part of the game.

Bean waves hello to nearly everything (water fountains, decorations on her bedroom walls, mirror images).

Another tooth is coming in on top, but it’s taking its sweet time.

Bean wants more cuddle except at nap time; she wriggles a lot then, and I have to stand up and rock her that way while singing her lullabyes.

Her naps are more regular lately – usually the morning is 45 minutes, the afternoon 90 minutes and 30 minutes (late afternoon if she needs it). She still sleeps from about 8 p.m. until 6:30 a.m.

Bean pulls every book off the bookshelf that she can reach.

She crossed the threshold from the carpet to the parquet floor in the kitchen and entryway. Last weekend I cleaned them very well, and I’m glad I did. A few hours later she decided to lick the floor, and she’s done this several times. (We don’t wear outside shoes in the house.)

Just this morning, she sat up from lying on her tummy. One minute she was on her stomach, and I turned my back. When I turned toward her again, she was sitting up! This has happened several times today. I’m amazed at how much preparation there is and then, *pop* the milestone is reached!

I Should Have Gone To Bed Hours Ago

But I made this instead.

button pillow

Bean is fascinated by buttons. If she’s crying and you show her buttons, she immediately stops and begins examining them. I have a collection of buttons (some inherited from my Mom), so I sorted through for interesting ones. Then I cadged an old shirt from Husband and constructed a pillow cover out of it, sewed them on, and covered an ugly pillow (purchased on clearance for $1.50 at Linens-n-Things). Voila! A new toy (to be used with supervision) for almost no money. You can see greater detail here.

Working Through The Stash

I inherited some odd bits of yarn when a relative decided she isn’t a knitter. The amounts are small, so I’m making the usual (scarves!).

incredible scarf

This was made with 2 balls of Lion Brand Incredible yarn, 100% nylon, 110 yards per ball; colorway 208, on size 13 needles. It’s going to be donated as a prize for a charity function.

Forecast

Update at 6:42 p.m.: It’s 97.4F. I know, it’s not a cyclone or earthquake. Just plain HOT. And only mid-May.

Update at 4:17 p.m.: Am I in Texas again?! It’s 103.8F!

Update at 2:12 p.m.: Temperature is 100.6F. Whew!

Today the high will be near 100. Yesterday it was the mid-90s. Tomorrow is predicted to be near 100. Saturday the highs will be in the 90s.

Gas is also over $4.00 a gallon for regular unleaded now.

Bean seems to have caught another cold. She slept long naps yesterday, and today she is sneezing, congested, has a runny nose, and is taking a really long morning nap (for her). Not even the garbage truck has intruded on her rest.

We’re moving slowly, or not at all, around here.

Sleep Training

She commando crawls to the bookshelves and pulls out whatever is in reach. There’s a video on my Flickr site for friends and family to watch if you want.

ferberizing (sleep training)

Yes, we’re terrible parents who applied some of Ferber’s concepts. Actually, the book has great information about the nature of sleep in children and adults. We’ve found that more helpful than the training techniques he suggests.

Relevance

This post has been updated with an extra link.

I’m not writing as much these days. Never in my life have I been so spent by the day’s end. Mothering has brought into focus for me what is real and what matters. It burns off all that is extraneous. Being used so completely simplifies my options. I must choose what matters, what merits my precious little free time and energy.

But it’s not just how I spend my free time. This has affected my thinking as well. Once upon a time I would ponder past experiences and relationships. I felt compelled to think about why certain relationships I’m in have unfolded the way they have. I psychoanalyzed. I looked for meaning. I rehashed the past — the injustices done, the abuse experienced, the chances lost.

One day I was in the shower and I began to think of a family member with whom I’m estranged. As I waded into my thoughts I had a realization: none of this matters now. The circumstances of how it came to be don’t matter to Bean. She is not me. The pain I experienced growing up and in my early adult life will not be her pain. In order to give her a free life, her own life, I must release my past so I don’t confuse her life with mine. It doesn’t matter anymore if so-and-so treated me badly, and it doesn’t matter how his life experiences shaped him so that he treated me thusly. It doesn’t matter if someone else’s relationship affected me immensely growing up. What matters is how Husband and I relate to one another as spouses and parents. What matters is how I respond to the challenges Bean will face, and how I help her to navigate them. What matters is being here now, keeping company with my daughter as she encounters life. This requires letting go of the past, returning constantly to what’s in front of me. With regard to the broken relationship, I can either attempt to reconnect with this person or I can drop it. Life is too precious to waste on ruminating about it.

I used to need to tell my story. And sure, someday maybe I will. But I’ve got something so much more important and fulfilling to attend to: my life, and my daughter.

Basically, Karen wrote about this last week and then again today; she says it so much better than I.

So, you wonder, what do I do with my free time? After chores (laundry, cleaning, prepping Bean’s food, putting away toys, etc.) I’ve been knitting. I read when I can focus mentally. I doodle. I try to make art. I get a good night’s sleep. I’ve been thinking about writing this post for several weeks, and tonight I forced myself to do it. The more aware Bean becomes, the less important blogging and the Internet is to me. I’ll still be around. Just a little more scarce.
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My first mother’s day was sweet. I received snail mail cards, e-cards, phone calls, gifts. Husband cooked a steak dinner for me with corn on the cob and macaroni and cheese. Since Bean now naps in her crib, I got a chance to go knit with my friends who own a yarn shop. And then I had a nap!

Technical Problems

A couple of readers tell me they are having trouble viewing my blog. These folks seem to be using PCs and Internet Explorer. I’m not sure why it’s not showing up correctly anymore, but I’ve made no changes to the format or code.

If you’re experiencing problems, let me know. I don’t know that there’s anything I can do, since it shows up fine in my browser and I’ve made no changes. But maybe we can see if it affects Apple users as well as PC, etc.