One scarlet pearl forms
like a secret emerging
from a holy place.
–Kathryn Harper
One scarlet pearl forms
like a secret emerging
from a holy place.
–Kathryn Harper
I just returned from my first sesshin at Hazy Moon Zen Center. It was fruitful. I’m tired and glad to be home. All that I experienced is settling, so I hesitate to write extensively about it. Here are some brief reflections. The first one is from my drive down, when I stopped at San Luis Reservoir for a break. The entire drive leads through two mountain ranges (the Diablo Mountains with the Pacheco Pass and the Tehachapi Mountains with the Tejon Pass) and the central valley; it’s beautiful country. It’s a six hour drive (one way) — which is just right.
—–
Brief Notes of an Adventure
The lake — a bowl of glitter!
Winds whisper to water,
waves murmur replies.
A crow flies, snail snared
in its beak.
—–
Rooster crows, broom sweeps.
A car growls to life.
Helicopters thump the sky.
Pigeon wings slap air.
Sirens keen, dogs bark.
Zazen in L.A.
—–
My food – Advil.
My nectar – water.
My balm – sleep.
—–
Now the cushion
Now the breath
Now the work.
Samadhi does not
come in a box or book.
It cannot be imagined
or conjured.
Bells, incense, bows, chants
bring dignity and form
to the formless.
But above all,
it is about the work.
Breath.
Samadhi.
—–
Cresting the mountain,
valley a blanket spread low;
slices of miles served –
feast towards home.
–Kathryn Harper
“When you have completed 95 percent of your journey, you are only halfway there.”
— Japanese Proverb
Today Bean asked to make Simba, from the Lion King. She hasn’t seen the movies but is obsessed with the songs, especially The Lion Sleeps Tonight, Hakuna Matata, and He Lives In You. She wanted to also make his father and an elephant friend. Thank goodness for paper plates, construction paper, glue and paint! Bean painted the whole thing. She cut the noses of the lions and them and the eyes on. She glued the elephants nails and eyes on.
Last week we made necklaces for each other, because on Thursday I head to Hazy Moon Zen Center to sit my first sesshin with my teacher, Maezen, and Nyogen Roshi. We used Shrinky Dinks, and I wrote her message to me and one to her (the handwriting is choppy because I wrote backward so it would read properly on the shiny side.) My favorite color is green and hers is yellow (though trending toward pink), so we’ll feel connected while I’m gone. I’m sure we’ll feel connected regardless, but this is a tangible connection for us both, a sort of talisman. It will be a fine time for Bean and her Daddy to go on special outings. I’ll be home Sunday evening from “Buddhist Summer Camp” (as Hub jokingly calls it) — one step (at least) closer to enlightenment.
Next up: thinking of something cool for dinner. It’s been mild this summer, but today it’s 95F! No complaints here. Hakuna Matata!
Out to Pasture
Amid cow patties
flies pester eyes, nose, mouth, hide-
ear pierced with numbers.
There is only this moment,
chewing cud, swishing tail.
–Kathryn Harper
A small stone for today.
“Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.”
–A.A. Milne
What do you do on a restless Monday afternoon? You drive to Chesbro Reservoir to throw sticks and leaves in the water and watch them float away, pushed by the breeze. You gather more driftwood to expand your fairy land. You stand at the edge of the road and say hello to a few cows. (If the embedded video doesn’t show/work, here is a link to the movie.)
You make a silly face to try to get them to moo.
On the way home, you stop at Spina Farms produce stand to buy fresh green beans and corn on the cob for dinner. You tell the lady at the counter all about the cows and how they were having quiet time. Then you head home, unload all the treasures, and make a fairy meeting room. (If the embedded video doesn’t show/work, here is a link to the movie.)
And you situate your gathered wood, ferns, and grasses just so.
After all this, you eat five slices of whole wheat bread slathered heavily with real butter and a few green beans for dinner, followed by a brownie for dessert. Then you take a bath, listen to a story, and say farewell to the day.
We live in a world where volcanoes have feet and personalities, mold grows in families and the members have names, and the Crab Nebula — where Bean wants to go — is also named Lily and is very friendly. Did you know that there are blue volcanoes that produce blue lava, and that blue lava is cool like ice? Bean is insatiably curious, and for each new concept we go search on the web and look at images, and I read about it to her. Even though we’ve shown her photos of mold, for example, she insists they are like ferns. Her imagination is amazing.
Yesterday we went for a hike at Uvas Canyon County Park. Her empathy is blooming, and it’s heartwarming to observe. We saw a sign pointing out poison sumac, and as we walked away Bean blew it a kiss. I asked her why, and she said she was going to blow kisses to all poisonous trees to be friendly. And later we saw a sign explaining that rattlesnakes live in the area, that they are an important part of the community, and to be cautious. Bean thought the drawing of the snake looked sad, and she wanted him not to be lonely. Nevertheless, I assured her, the snake likes to have alone time, and we need to respect the woods by not wandering off the path or putting our hands into places we can’t see into.
When we started our hike, first we explored the bark of a madrone tree:
We passed a tree with an interesting sign. We were unable to see the bees, but we saw a spot on the trunk high up where a large limb had broken and left a big gap, and we guessed the bees might be there.
Daddy pointed out the roots on this tree. How often to you get to see what a tree looks like underground? Bean found the roots a little scary and also said they look like a maze.
The stream burbled as we walked, and we enjoyed the variation of rock. The water flowing over the black rock was eyecatching.
The trail was uphill, and Bean was getting hungry and tired. We stopped often. Our explorer made herself at home in the dirt. She found acorn caps, a feather, and interesting leaves. She took a dirt bath — handfuls of dirt thrown up in the air over herself!
When she wasn’t taking a rest, she was doing this!
The watched the dance of sun and shade.
We looked closely at how nature had arranged her designs.
We noticed how the sky was reflected by the water, and how leaves made a dent on the surface.
It was idyllic to sit on the bank and listen. I accidentally dislodged a moderately sized rock. At first I tried to place it back. It had been sitting there for many years, I’m sure. I pondered how all the rocks had probably been where they were for hundreds of years or more. If I threw the rock into the stream, I would change the way things had been for centuries. Do you ever ponder that when you’re in nature? I decided to plunk the rock into the water, where it will likely stay for another era.
Not all rocks were arranged by happenstance. To support the trail, park employees long ago built a wall. What captured our attention is how thoroughly moss had made a home of it.
We reached Upper Falls, but Bean for some reason was scared. There was a small ledge and wood fence, and perhaps this made her nervous.
So we continued up to Basin Falls. It was possible to climb up close to the basin, although Bean decided to wash rocks instead.
They needed a thorough scrubbing!
We looked closely at the water, and how droplets made rings. The stream was clear as glass.
We spent many, many minutes at the edge. She threw small stones, leaves, and dust into the water. She tried to hit a larger rock with a small one and cheered when she succeeded!
On the last leg of our hike, Bean wanted to really get into her exploration. Since I carry spare shoes, undies, and leggings in the car, this was not a problem. She pretended she was a gazelle at the water’s edge.
It was a beautiful day; being in nature made us all mellow and happy. We drove on to see Uvas Reservoir.
The county allows fishing (catch and release), and Bean wants to learn. So do I! I never did try it out as a kid. We made reservations to camp at Uvas Canyon later in the fall, our first camping excursion. Now we just need to gather our supplies. We’re all very excited about this! It’s such a blessing to live this close to wild spaces.
On Saturday, Bean and I went to Lakeshore Learning to do a free craft. I’d forgotten they offer these every Saturday, which is okay, because every time I visit I am lured by all the tempting teacher goodies, craft supplies, and games. But we went, and Bean made herself a T. Rex, and after that she asked permission to make one for me. She chose a green one because it’s my favorite color.
Then on Sunday, some new friends came over to visit and help Bean make a fairy house! We met at a special event they had on their block a month ago, and a friendship sprouted. Emily and Maddie and their mom came over with lots of supplies, which they combined with ours, to construct a special home.
Here Emily and Bean discuss what color glitter glue to use on the little chairs, while Maddie enjoys the hammock.
Then of course Bean had to take a break after all the decision-making and join Maddie.
Now Maddie is digging a hole for the pool…
Here’s the home (the shoebox) along with a sidewalk leading to a pool, fire pit, and fairy tent.
A close-up of the tent:
And Bean, deciding where to put a hibiscus bloom. The fairy garden/home is a work in progress. More will be added later, I’m sure!
Bean spent the entire day outside, in the wading pool, the sandbox, the fairy garden! We spent this morning making Christmas gifts for family — Bean has lots of aunts, uncles, and of course her grandparents. We typically get an early start so they are done when the crazy season begins. I’ve got a photo but will not reveal what they are until after the holiday. But to satisfy curiosity, below are the gifts she made for family when she was two (ornaments) and three (bookmarks):
Last year we made streamers for our tree, and then got the idea to make another batch as bookmarks with pretty tassles. I forgot to take a photo of them!
What is so neat is watching how she works. This year she carefully chose the pieces to use and went with a theme and a pattern. And her attention span lasted long enough to do all 11 gifts!
Kids are cute, babies are cute, puppies are cute. The little things are cute. See, nature did this on purpose so that we would want to take care of our young. Made them cute. Tricked us. Then gradually they get older and older, until one day your mother sits you down and says, “You know, I think you’re ugly enough to get your own apartment.”
–Cathy Ladman
Ah, the capriciousness of a preschooler’s opinions! When Bean is going through particular physical developments — such as learning to use scissors, cutting with a plastic knife, and so on, I’ve noticed our relationship hits an emotional roller coaster. Just last night as I tucked Bean in, we enjoyed the sweetest exchange.
Me: “Night night honey, I love you, you’re my favorite girl in the world.”
Bean: “Night Mommy, you’re my favorite Mommy. I think I’ll keep you, and even if you’re mad at me I’ll love you and take care of you when you get sick. And I’ll give you milk or juice or water, but you have to choose which one.”
Then, out of the blue at lunch today, she said, “I want better parents. Ones who don’t hit. I’ll go live with PJ’s parents.”
Now before you call CPS on me, I confess: in the past nearly four years, I can count on one hand the instances I have, in a moment of heated reaction, smacked a hand or a leg. I even wrote about the first time. We do not discipline with physical force in our family, and yet there have been those few occasions when I have lost myself and my control. It’s usually after we’ve had a build-up of tensions and disagreements over many many days, which peak in her swatting or shoving me. I feel very sad on those occasions, and disappointed in myself.
As she gets older, her memory is growing indelible. After last week’s blowout she said, “It’s not nice for big people to hit little people, because they’re stronger.” And of course how does a child process the family rule of We Do Not Hit if her parent does? We talked about how important it is to use other ways to express anger, and I need to be more diligent about putting my bottom on the zafu. I’m a pretty good parent, but Bean teaches me all the time how to be the adult in our relationship.
Parenting is not for the faint of heart or those of thin endurance.
The odd bit is that we’d been having a lovely day so far, so I’m not sure what prompted this. I replied to her statement that she could look for other people to be her parents but that Daddy and I will always love her and be her parents and she will always be our girl.
Soon she moved on to asking me, “What’s in your imagination, Mommy?” And I replied I was thinking about hummingbirds, since we have a feeder right outside our dining room window and they often feed and fight over it. I asked what was in her imagination, and she replied:
“I imagine being a kangaroo and bouncing and having a joey. I imagine being a mermaid! I wish to be a dog and be a friend and live with each others [sic] and have puppies and live with you and you could own me forever.” And I told her we belonged to each other forever.
Then she moved on to talking about dinosaurs, and Sid the Science Kid, and announced, “Fruit sometimes gets dead. It decays and breaks down, But then nature starts all over again! Then the fruits and vegetables grow all again!”
Love this girl.
I overheard Bean singing a made-up tune while she was looking at the Olivia book while on the potty. I took notes. Sometimes it even rhymes! The stanza breaks are mine based on when I heard her pause. My Sunshine Girl is not only a scientist, but also a lyricist and composer! I can hardly believe she will turn four in less than a month.
You make me sneeze
because I’m allergic to you
the library’s a mess
I’m the best of the restOh me-oh my-oh
You get the funnest job to do
Abe Lincoln brushed his teeth
But now he’s got ahold of youYou need a lot of things to do
You can do all the best things
But now you know what
Edwin knows the caden(?)Now a ball a bust
Now it’s time to go read
Now you know what
I am not so sleepy
But now you gotta butNow listen to me
Now the world be gone
Run run run run
Not so tired at allWe all ate the pizza
we wish we are ballerina
And now you got to be quiet
Because of the oldest dayYou kept a lot of things
I wish I could do that
Now I really moan
Now I can’t really do thatI painted on the wall
Wubba wubba wub-ba
Now it’s time to take your bath
Now a time out floor
I was thinking of my dinner
Now it’s time for moreNow there’s only a few things
Just until your more
These are my books
These are my books
In the past couple of months, Bean has fallen in love with teeny tiny toys. Miniature dolls — Lalaloopsy, Strawberry Shortcake, Squinkies (OMG Squinkies!!!), and miniature accessories are the rage. For example, I came across this flower fairy tea party set up on the sofa in Daddy’s spot this afternoon.
Here is Bean playing:
This is a close-up of her hand (to show scale) setting the table:
And a close-up of the teeny tiny cups:
Another party from this morning (notice the buttons — they make handy plates):
The other day, Bean created an ocean with a blue scarf and proceeded to have a huge party on the beach next to it. Then baby got in the water and floated away, and then there was a shark attack! She needed saving, so everyone came to her aid:
She also has numerous (100+) plastic animals she plays with. Today the barn became a home for the tigers and a lion, plus a cat or two. The hand-knit hat that my Gramma Leola knit for me as a child was their bed, and the mittens were sleeping bags for other friends:
One little tiger wandered out and got lost:
And when Bean is not busy playing with teeny tiny toys, she practices her back float…
…and spends time reading (mostly looking at pictures and telling herself the story):
We’ve been busy climbing and splashing and creating! Bean had a total of three weeks of swimming lessons. She is still shy about getting her face in the water and going under water, but she had a blast with her teachers. She very specifically insisted on lady teachers “because they are more gentle.” (She had a man the first day and cried, and refused to even allow a man to put her into the pool.) She practiced floating on her back and kicking…
…and jumping into the instructor’s arms.
We’ve also been playing with our food:
One day Bean asked for a knife and began slicing up pepper slices I’d given her. Once she cut them all, she ate them. Never before had she asked to do this, and she demonstrated real dexterity at cutting. That brain of hers is always growing!
Yesterday we took a day trip to Mount Madonna County Park. It’s a gorgeous park, and they also have campgrounds, which we may reserve for later. Here’s the scenic view of the valley:
And up-close views of beautiful mosses and lichen:
We saw California banana slugs:
And a Santa Cruz Gartersnake basking in a spot of sun:
The redwoods are amazing:
These were the Twin Giants:
We had fun hiking the trails:
We visited the Henry Miller Summer Home ruins, and Bean hopped around:
A view from within the former house:
Bean had many questions about the former house and why no one took care of it anymore:
We walked and walked, and later she had a nap on the way home:
We’ve played with paint and paper plates:
And we’ve started collecting our spare change in a jar which we decorated. We’ll empty it periodically and use it to donate to the food bank, or the Family Giving Tree, or some other worthy organization.
And so our summer continues!
Tonight
Crickets serenade
a cat stalks the dew
and the wind chimes do not dance.
–Kathryn Harper
The lull of summer has me reading a lot but writing little. This blog has become a pictorial daybook with a few quotes tossed in for spice. Well, I blame the summer, but evidence shows that this is the trend my life has taken for the past year. Somewhere along the way I feel I’ve lost my mind. Not in a mental-illness sense, but more in a “I’m a thinking person who has thoughts about what’s happening in the world and am capable of articulating them.” Yet unfortunately, I feel increasingly removed from it all, and apathetic; I rarely read news or listen to NPR anymore. It didn’t help the other day when I read an article about Sheryl Sandberg in the New Yorker. I’m so utterly unaccomplished, my ego tells me. I’m just a mother. Just a housewife (and not an exceptionally good one at that). Just nothing.
But aren’t we all nothing? Everything changes. Human endeavor fades and is forgotten. Eventually we all end up the same place. And there is freedom in knowing and accepting this. Freedom to pay attention to what matters right now, and to enjoy this moment. That’s my bit of insight for today, because it’s late, and I’ve just finished sweeping, mopping, folding, washing, changing sheets, and pilling the cat. Meanwhile, take a peek at what’s been happening.
Bean earned her princess bike because she graduated to being a big girl and uses the potty. Pedaling and steering take concentration!
She also had her first session of swim lessons and loved it, especially her teacher. She’ll have one more week, and then we’ll see.
I did a lot of cutting, gluing, and tying, but Bean decorated with glitter glue and stickers. It moves beautifully in the slightest breeze.
We did this craft awhile back, right after 4th of July!
Bean had me draw the rainbow and face, and she colored the rainbow and decided to use beads for flowers.
“A grapefruit is a lemon that had a chance and took advantage of it.”
–Oscar Wilde
“When you practice every day, you come into resonance with cosmic cycles. After many days you can feel the diurnal cycle inside your work; after many moons, the lunar; after years and years the constellations come in. The whole spectrum of vibration, from the slow, lowest tones of turning galaxies to the highest speeds of inner light, becomes your musical realm.”
W. A. Mathieu, The Listening Book: Discovering Your Own Music
Music or meditation? Music as meditation? Meditation as cosmic music?
While the spirit of neighborliness was important on the frontier because neighbors were so few, it is even more important now because our neighbors are so many.
-Lady Bird Johnson
One generation plants the trees; another gets the shade.
–Chinese proverb
For whatever we lose (like a you or a me),
It’s always our self we find in the sea.
— e.e. cummings
Headed out to the beach:
Getting cozy in the sand (she also made sand angels):
Barely able to stay still for a photo-op with Mommy:
Racing the waves:
The sky was gray but her heart was not:
Lounging later:
Encountering immensity: