Category Archives: Social Science

A Simplified Life

It’s been a sobering week for me in some ways. We knew it was crucial for me not to work during the pregnancy to give the process the best chance, and we became a single income family. When we lived in our other home it was affordable. Then we had to move, and our rent increased by $450 monthly. I’ve been tracking income and expenses since January, and with the layout of money for baby gear, medical costs, and the move, we’ve discovered that we are living a bit beyond our means. We have savings and can use it, but our goal is really to live within our income. And the reason we have any savings at all is because that’s what we’ve been doing for years — living within and below our income.

Of course, living with debt is an experience that permeates most people’s lives. In fact, I would say it’s a defining factor of being American. But I’ve lived with great debt before; and since I’ve gotten out of the pit, I’d rather not return. Husband’s financial personality is conservative, and this has helped my transition from spendthrift to saver. Living space is smaller here; I’ve been slowly divesting of stuff that collects dust, has no use, or brings no pleasure, and I’ve set an intention not to accumulate more.

So it’s time to simplify. We’d already taken steps since the new year. For the most part I don’t purchase books anymore and go to the public library. My spending on yarn and art supplies has dwindled significantly (I’ve got plenty stashed away). Yet we’re looking at all our spending and tightening things. Gifts, magazine subscriptions, travel and dining out with friends are being deleted from the budget. The area of biggest concern has been the dining out. Food is social. Getting together with friends is usually a food occasion. It’s fun to eat out and try new places, but it’s also expensive. Now that we’re becoming parents I’m sure we’ll make friends with other parents who can relate to the financial paradigm. Yet a number of our friends are working couples with no children. How do we remain friends with them?

Some people might attempt to keep up; that is, to continue with the dinners and carry debt. Others might phase the friends out; it’s probably not hard when all time is consumed by a new baby. But I’ve chosen a different approach. I’ve explained to these friends (without going into detail) that our budget is smaller and our lifestyle changing, and we’re going to focus on dining in and inviting people over more often. Then I’ve invited them over for a meal soon.

The response has been loving. The sweet thing is that these friends are more than happy to focus on quality time together and not on spending money. They understand that when you have money, you have more for discretionary spending, and that priorities change. We knew this about them already (or we’d not likely fit so well as friends). Yet, to take the step of confiding this change is actually a step toward intimacy. By setting forth our situation, our friends can include us in their plans without creating awkwardness for anyone. They’ll invite us to parties at their homes but not invite us out to restaurants. We can entertain them at our home. We’ve been pondering, learning about, and slowly evolving toward a simple living style, so this is a natural step in our evolution. Another term for this is voluntary simplicity.

This means a change in role for me as well. Until recently Husband and I could be very independent. If I don’t feel like cooking (I’m the main cook), we “fend” for ourselves. At some point I’ll have a child who needs regular meals – not immediately, but soon enough I’ll need to actually plan what I’m going to do so my kid, at least, doesn’t starve. I hate cleaning house and have a pretty high tolerance for dust, as does Husband. But soon we’ll have a little one creeping around the floor, and since his job is to earn income, my job will be to maintain home. Husband launders his own clothes; I never touch them (a liberated man!). I launder my own and wash linens, blankets, etc. Soon there will be baby clothes and such to maintain, and this will probably fall to me more often. No more self-centered living. Time to grow up in a new way.

It’s all a new adventure.

Ten Zen Seconds: An Interview with Eric Maisel

A couple of months ago I was invited to participate in a “blog tour” interviewing Eric Maisel on his latest book. Since I was offered a copy of the book to review and the opportunity to ask a couple of questions tailored to my interests, I decided to join in. (Who can resist a book?) What follows is an introduction to the concepts in Ten Zen Seconds; my questions regarding how these concepts can be utilized during childbirth and in treatment of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder are woven into the interview. Enjoy, and may you find this useful!

What is Ten Zen Seconds all about?

EM: It’s actually a very simple but powerful technique for reducing your stress, getting yourself centered, and reminding yourself about how you want to live your life. It can even serve as a complete cognitive, emotional, and existential self-help program built on the single idea of “dropping a useful thought into a deep breath.”

You use a deep breath, five seconds on the inhale and five seconds on the exhale, as a container for important thoughts that aim you in the right direction in life — I describe twelve of these thoughts in the book — and you begin to employ this breathing-and-thinking technique that I call incanting as the primary way to keep yourself on track.

Where did this idea come from?

EM: It comes from two primary sources, cognitive and positive psychology from the West and breath awareness and mindfulness techniques from the East. I’d been working with creative and performing artists for more than twenty years as a therapist and creativity coach and wanted to find a quick, simple technique that would help them deal with the challenges they regularly face — resistance to creating, performance anxiety, negative self-talk about a lack of talent or a lack of connections, stress over a boring day job or competing in the art marketplace, and so on.

Because I have a background in both Western and Eastern ideas, it began to dawn on me that deep breathing, which is one of the best ways to reduce stress and alter thinking, could be used as a cognitive tool if I found just the right phrases to accompany the deep breathing. This started me on a hunt for the most effective phrases that I could find and eventually I landed on twelve of them that I called incantations, each of which serves a different and important purpose.

What sort of hunt did you go on?

EM: First, I tried to figure out what are the most important tasks that we face as human beings, then I came up with what I hoped were resonant phrases, each of which needed to fit well into a deep breath, then, most importantly — which moved this from the theoretical to the empirical — I tested the phrases out on hundreds of folks who agreed to use them and report back on their experiences. That was great fun and eye-opening!

People used these phrases to center themselves before a dental appointment or surgery, to get ready to have a difficult conversation with a teenage child, to bring joy back to their performing career, to carve out time for creative work in an over-busy day — in hundreds of ways that I couldn’t have anticipated. I think that’s what makes the book rich and special: that, as useful as the method and the incantations are, hearing from real people about how they’ve used them “seals the deal.” I’m not much of a fan of self-help books that come entirely from the author’s head; this one has been tested in the crucible of reality.

Which phrases did you settle on?

EM: The following twelve. I think that folks will intuitively get the point of each one (though some of the incantations, like “I expect nothing,” tend to need a little explaining). Naturally each incantation is explained in detail in the book and there are lots of personal reports, so readers get a good sense of how different people interpret and make use of the incantations. Here are the twelve (the parentheses show how the phrase gets “divided up” between the inhale and the exhale:

(I am completely) (stopping)
(I expect) (nothing)
(I am) (doing my work)
(I trust) (my resources)
(I feel) (supported)
(I embrace) (this moment)
(I am free) (of the past)
(I make) (my meaning)
(I am open) (to joy)
(I am equal) (to this challenge)
(I am) (taking action)
(I return) (with strength)

A small note: the third incantation functions differently from the other eleven, in that you name something specific each time you use it, for example “I am writing my novel” or “I am paying the bills.” This helps you bring mindful awareness to each of your activities throughout the day.

Can you use the incantations and this method for any special purposes?

EM: As I mentioned, folks are coming up with all kinds of special uses. One that I especially like is the idea of “book-ending” a period of work, say your morning writing stint or painting stint, by using “I am completely stopping” to ready yourself, center yourself, and stop your mind chatter, and then using “I return with strength” when you’re done so that you return to “the rest of life” with energy and power. Usually we aren’t this mindful in demarcating our activities—and life feels very different when we do.

Here are my specific situational questions.

Situation 1: Labor and birth is a complex, physically demanding experience. There are three stages of labor, but I’ll focus one the first two.

Stage one has three parts: early labor, active labor, and transition.

During early labor, which can last 8-12 hours, typically the contractions come 5-30 minutes apart and last 30-45 seconds each.

Active labor is next, lasting 3-5 hours; the frequency of contractions generally increases to every 3-5 minutes and lasts about 60 seconds.

Transition lasts 20 minutes to 2 hours, and contractions will come every 30 seconds to 2 minutes (or they may overlap) and last about 60-90 seconds; during transition a woman may experience hot flashes, chills, nausea, vomiting. This is the point where she may be most exhausted and emotionally depleted, but she’s not finished!

The second stage of labor (active pushing and the baby emerging) can take anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours; contractions come every 3-5 minutes and will last about 45-90 seconds.

1. When contractions are coming fast and furious, is Ten Zen Seconds a sustainable practice to help with pain and energy management?

EM: I have no reports that it is, so I would love to know if it works in that situation! What I do know is that people in similarly stressful, physically demanding, uncentering situations have found the process profoundly valuable, so I think it’s fair to extrapolate and hazard the guess that it might be useful.

Of course, a different sort of breathing is already taught to mothers-to-be as the best way to breathe during the actual delivery, but in the long hours up to delivery I think that using the deep breathing-and-right thinking combination that Ten Zen Seconds teaches might prove of great value.

I would imagine that the most on-point incantations during this period would be incantation 4, “I trust my resources,” incantation 5, “I feel supported,” incantation 9, “I am open to joy,” and incantation 10, “I am equal to this challenge,” though I can imagine how the others might also prove applicable.

2. What incantations would you recommend to a woman to prepare herself before labor and to cope during labor?

EM: That depends in part what specific challenges the mother-to-be is experiencing. If she can’t seem to get herself present and can only think about this being over, she might want to bring herself back to the present and to the power of presence with incantation 6, “I embrace this moment.”

If she is filled with layers of self-doubt, about whether she can stand up to the rigors of delivery and/or the realities of parenting, I think that self-trust might be the most important thing to cultivate and using incantation 4, “I trust my resources,” might make good sense.

If she is having issues with the people around her, like her parents, her in-laws, or her mate, and really needs to table those issues for the moment so as to get on with labor and delivery with a clear mind, then using incantation 7, “I am free of the past,” might prove really valuable.

First you engage in a little self-awareness to help you determine what the issue is that you want to address, then you choose the incantation (or create the incantation) that serves that need.

3. What incantations would you suggest to her birthing coach to help him or her manage?

EM: The main tasks for the coach are to be present and to be helpful. The mother-to-be doesn’t need someone more anxious and more distracted than she is trying to help her, especially if there are some important decisions in the moment that she could use some help with.

Therefore the coach would especially benefit from employing incantation 1, “I am completely stopping,” to remind himself that this is where he needs to be, incantation 3, “I am doing my work,” to remind himself of his duties, incantation 10, “I am equal to this challenge,” to help quiet his nerves and reduce his fear of negative things happening, and incantation 12, “I return with strength,” to help remind him to return to the mother-to-be’s side with a positive, helpful attitude and requisite strength and presence.

Situation 2: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) develops in response to a traumatic event. People with PTSD often have problems functioning. In general, people with PTSD have more unemployment, divorce or separation, spouse abuse and chance of being fired than people without PTSD. Vietnam veterans with PTSD were found to have many problems with family and other interpersonal relationships, problems with employment, and increased incidents of violence. There are many symptoms to this disorder, and I’d like to ask how TZS might help manage them.

For instance, a person might have a flashback resulting from an environmental trigger (such as a noise that reminds him or her of the trauma) and feel intense fear, helplessness, and horror again.

Survivors often take pains to avoid situations that may trigger memories of the traumatic event, which limits the fullness of their lives.

They may feel emotionally numb and isolated and are often hyper-vigilant and always “on guard” after the traumatic event.

These stressful psychological responses can have a deleterious impact on physical health, and they may lead people to self-medicate with substance abuse.

1. How might a survivor use the Ten Zen Seconds to manage symptoms of fear and helplessness?

EM: One of the profound tasks of healing from trauma is being able to remember the trauma without reliving the trauma. Mindfulness in general, and the techniques that I teach in Ten Zen Seconds specifically, help a person have a thought without attaching to that thought or experiencing pain from that thought.

You acquire a certain healthy, healing distance from your thoughts and can examine them objectively. As this practice deepens, you feel less fearlful, anxious, and helpless because you learn that you no longer have to run from your thoughts, as they are no longer producing pain. Even more than any particular incantation, the basic practice of mindfulness, with its orientation toward detachment and freedom, help a person recover from past trauma.

2. How might one use TZS to overcome resistance to new experiences and a tendency to isolate?

EM: There are several different approaches to this. One is to orient toward the possible pleasure that you might get from new experiences, rather than orient toward the risks involved, and for this incantation 9, “I am open to joy,” can prove very useful.

Another is to frame new experiences as necessary challenges that come with healthy, authentic living, and for this frame incantation 10, “I am equal to this challenge,” is a great tool.

A third approach is turn in the direction of trust, of trusting yourself in new situations and of trusting others not to harm you in new situations, and for this orientation incantation 4, “I trust my resources” and incantation 5, “I feel supported” are the incantations of choice.

3. What incantations would you recommend to a survivor to reduce emotional numbness and excessive vigilance?

EM: That excessive vigilance has to do with rapid and continual scanning both of the external world and the internal world of thought and worry. You are noticing things out there that might prove dangerous and also noticing passing internal thoughts about possible danger — thoughts that you could dismiss without even noticing if only you were less vigilant.

The key here is to stop — to stop all that internal and external scanning — and so the most important incantation with respect to this issue is “I am completely stopping,” remembering that embedded in that phrase is the specific idea that what you are stopping is all that scanning and all that vigilance. As you learn to actually stop, that allows room for feelings to return and numbness to lessen, as feelings had no place to land while you were doing all of that scanning.

4. Can TZS help with the involuntary physical responses that can occur, such as waking from a nightmare shaking and sweating, or having a panic attack?

EM: I don’t know the answer to this one and I would love to hear from folks who make use of the Ten Zen Seconds program and learn from them if in fact using this tool will help with these phenomena. I stand ready to learn!

Is there a way to experience this process in “real time?”

EM: By trying it out! But my web master Ron Wheatley has also designed a slide show at the Ten Zen Seconds site (http://www.tenzenseconds.com) that you can use to learn and experience the incantations. The slides that name the twelve incantations are beautiful images provided by the painter Ruth Yasharpour and each slide stays in place for ten seconds. So you can attune your breathing to the slide and really practice the method. The slide show is available at http://www.tenzenseconds.com/test_photo_slide.html.

How can people learn more about Ten Zen Seconds?

EM: The book is the best resource. You can get it at Amazon by visiting here.

Or you can ask for it at your local bookstore. The Ten Zen Seconds website is also an excellent resource: in addition to the slide show that I mentioned, there is a bulletin board where folks can chat, audio interviews that I’ve done discussing the Ten Zen Seconds techniques, and more. It’s also quite a gorgeous site, so you may want to visit it just for the aesthetic experience! I would also recommend that folks check out my main site, http://www.ericmaisel.com, especially if they’re interested in creativity coaching or the artist’s life.

What else are you up to?

Plenty! I have a new book out called Creativity for Life, which is roughly my fifteenth book in the creativity field and which people seem to like a lot. I also have a third new book out, in addition to Ten Zen Seconds and Creativity for Life, called Everyday You, which is a beautiful coffee table book about maintaining daily mindfulness. I’m working on two books for 2008, one called A Writer’s Space and a second called Creative Recovery, about using your innate creativity to help in recovering from addiction.

And I’m keep up with the many other things I do: my monthly column for Art Calendar Magazine, my regular segment for Art of the Song Creativity Radio, the trainings that I offer in creativity coaching, and my work with individual clients. I am happily busy! But my main focus for the year is on getting the word out about Ten Zen Seconds, because I really believe that it’s something special. So I thank you for having me here today!

Spreading the Wealth

I live a good life. In fact, even when I’ve struggled to pay rent and other expenses, I have always had the luxury of running water, heating/cooling, and electricity. Food has never been scarce, nor has it ever been difficult to purchase products for my household or physical needs. I’ve had access to credit which made achieving some goals possible, such as buying a car and getting an education. I am so very blessed.

Meanwhile, here are some facts and figures to provide perspective. Half the world — nearly three billion people — live on less than two dollars a day; 20% of the population in the developed nations, consume 86% of the worldâ€™s goods. The poorer the country, the more likely it is that debt repayments are being extracted directly from people who neither contracted the loans nor received any of the money. Approximately 790 million people in the developing world are still chronically undernourished, almost two-thirds of whom reside in Asia and the Pacific. A mere 12 percent of the worldâ€™s population uses 85 percent of its water, and these 12 percent do not live in the Third World. The richest 50 million people in Europe and North America have the same income as 2.7 billion poor people. â€œThe slice of the cake taken by 1% is the same size as that handed to the poorest 57%.â€ (Info from Global Issues.)

Instead of feeling guilty, I decided to do something constructive. Have you ever heard of microlending? It’s a means of assisting other people across the world by lending some of your money to them. It’s not a donation or charity. The loan is repaid. One of the organizations that facilitate the process is Kiva. From their website:

Kiva lets you connect with and loan money to unique small businesses in the developing world. By choosing a business on Kiva.org, you can “sponsor a business” and help the world’s working poor make great strides towards economic independence. Throughout the course of the loan (usually 6-12 months), you can receive email journal updates from the business you’ve sponsored. As loans are repaid, you get your loan money back.

Kiva partners with existing microfinance institutions. In doing so, we gain access to outstanding entrepreneurs from impoverished communities world-wide. Our partners are experts in choosing qualified borrowers. That said, they are usually short on funds. Through Kiva.org, our partners upload their borrower profiles directly to the site so you can lend to them.

You just visit the site and look at the businesses needing loans. You can loan as little as $25 (a night at the movies, a week of Venti lattes). You will then receive email updates on how the business is doing. Once the loan is repaid, you can withdraw the money from Kiva or lend it again. Kiva has experienced a 100% repayment rate on all businesses with completed loans. Over the past three decades, more than 100 million of the world’s poor have demonstrated a greater than 95% repayment rate in micro-loans. Yes, there is a risk you might not get your money back. But it’s not a huge amount of money to begin with. The loans are interest-free, so you don’t make money. Since these are not donations, they are not tax-deductible. Yet Kiva takes no cut of the loan either; you can donate money to help them and it’s tax deductible.

So as of yesterday I’ve financed four businesses, two of which have been fully funded. Here are the two in my portfoloio still in need of funding. You can see more businesses here. Join in and enjoy the feeling of changing lives for the better.

A Penny For Their Thoughts

Winston, who writes at Nobody Asked, honored me with the Thinking Blogger Award. Apparently I am among the many blogs that tickle his gray matter. Now it falls to me to inform the world of five blogs that make me think. Here they are (there are many more, and it was difficult to choose):

Dating God: Kate Turner writes soulful, deeply authentic posts about her journey through the world. She’s unique, and I’d prefer to use her words to present her. From her “about” page:

I no longer believe that I have any answers. And I’m now even suspicious of my questions. But more will be revealed and I am dang skippy surrendered to whatever occurrs in the meantime.

I have lived in 70+ places in seven states and held at least that many different jobs including feng shui consultant, actor, corporate recruiter, bartender, limo driver, truck driver, personal assistant, psychic, holistic practitioner, dancer, yogini, weight loss instructor, strip club waitress, cat wrangler, and currently, public health intern. I write this here blog as a form of Life-as-jigsaw-puzzle, shove 6.2 billion scholarly facts daily into my sweet brain, and drive my car around the snowy streets of Albany as training for my future career in NASCAR on Ice.

I have had over forty soulmates and have discovered there is no such thing.

I have overturned a hundred thousand stones and moments searching for proof of god and I have discovered that god is Nothing.

I believe in love, Life, and creative expression as a path to salvation. I believe that we are all already saved but are too consumed by all the shiny things to realize it. I believe that all the love we need is inside of us. I believe that any love experienced in this world is better seen as a verb in motion rather than a stationary noun.

I recently discovered Memoirs of a Skepchick, which has as the tagline: Critical Thinking for the Masses. A lot of the books I see published about skepticism, culture, and religion tend to be written by men: Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, George Smith, David Mills, etc. So it’s refreshing to hear (i.e., read) a woman’s perspective. There are several authors for this blog; here are some of the categories used in organizing posts: Science, Anti-Science, Literature, Random Asides, Current Events, Religious Rants, and Skepchick-ism. I’ve only begun reading this blog and devour what they write.

Gerry Rosser is a fairly new blogger, and he posts at TwoBlueDay. I enjoy Gerry’s ruminations, and I especially appreciate the photography he posts. His eye for extraordinary shots is excellent, and I savor them. He reminds me to look at the world at all there is to see. I hope he decides to sell prints of his work. They really are that good.

Another new blog to me, Quiet Little Life is a gem. Kay Pere describes herself as “a multi-dimensional performing songwriter, visual artist, writer, educator and activist whose work embodies a message of hope, healing and humanity. When she isn’t traveling to perform, present workshops or show her artwork, Kay lives a quiet little life in a Mystical corner of southern New England.” I enjoy her mix of whimsy (an ode to Peeps, for example) and reflection (a post on experiencing creative blockage).

My dear friend Leah Piken is the author of Creative Every Day, another blog with soul. I’ve been reading Leah since I first began blogging in early 2002 and have been a witness to her journey into a new career, an engagement, and many other avenues for growth. She is an artist, and it was her blog that really inspired me to begin playing with art, which resulted in me embracing the identity of “artist.” Leah writes about creative synchronicities and unearths interesting tidbits (books, quotes, inspirations) that get my creative juices flowing.

The awardees are invited to participate and post a list of five bloggers whose writing makes you think. The original rules suggested:

Create your own post of five blogs that make you think.
Link to this place so that people know where the meme is from.
Display the award, if you like, linking to the post that you wrote.

Happy Thinking!

All Things Baby

We embarked on the Great Baby Supply journey Saturday. Our intention this trip was to get an idea of what we need, pricing, and what’s available. The answer to the last question is: an overwhelming selection! Do we want a traditional crib with a drop-side rail, or a Lifestyle crib that can be converted into a toddler and later a full-size bed? Do we want white, natural, oak, cherry, or pine finish? Do we want mission style furniture, or contemporary, or country? How much do we want to spend? What is the difference between two cribs of the same type and style other than the price tag?

We want a glider. Do we want one that reclines, or swivels, or both? Do we want microsuede or cotton upholstery? One is $600, and another is $300. They look the same and function the same. The same company seems to make them all (Dutelier). So what makes the more expensive one worthwhile?

Do we want to pick a theme for the decor? (At first I thought no, but I’m rethinking.) Do we want to get a a bedding set: sheets, dust ruffle, padded cloth to tie to the crib sides, and blanket? You can drop a couple hundred dollars for a set. Do we want to paint the room? We’re renters, but we can always paint it white later. The room came with dark sage green curtains. Do we want something kid-themed?

What type of stroller do we want? Do we want a travel system, even though the stroller will be somewhat heavier? Shall we get one with a single bar handle or umbrella handles? As for the high chair, gosh, do we want one with toys built in to the tray or not? Do we want a removable cover for easy cleanup? Do we want one that’s collapsible for easy storage?

We looked for five hours and at three stores. Husband’s shopping style is different than mine. He likes to research a lot and look at many items before he chooses. I find it stressful, because after a time I can barely distinguish the difference and deflate into a state of exhaustion. I prefer to set a dollar limit, look at several items in that range, and make the purchase. In many cases, though, his method results in us getting a better deal. In order to help me tolerate the process this time, we agreed by the day’s end we would purchase one baby item to give me a sense of accomplishment.

At least a dozen parents have sung the praises of and urged us to acquire at least one of an item called a Boppy. They are apparently the salvation of mankind. One friend advised us to get one for every level of the house (though since we have four separate levels, that seems extreme). I put the Boppy on our registry at Babies R Us, but since we want two, we bought one Saturday. And I should warn you: I’m turning into a gooey, sentimental momma-to-be. The one I selected was called Sweet Pea: light green with little pea pods all over it, and inside each are three cute little faces with green caps. Peas in the pod! Babies! Adorable!

And I have another admission to make. Since at least half a dozen people have spoken enthusiastically of the miracle called a baby wipe warmer, I did [cringe] add it to the registry. My first response upon learning of such a thing was to scorn it as a luxury, and indeed it is. After all, I grew up without warm baby wipes and I’m a contributing member of society! But I trust the enthusiasm of parents; they have the experience, after all. When I asked my mother what she used (I was born before baby wipes existed), she said she cleaned me with a warm washcloth. A-ha! So there’s proof that a warm wipe on a baby’s bottom is preferable. Husband believes he’d like to use washcloths. Fine for him, but since I expect I’ll be changing the majority of diapers, I’m damn well going to get and use baby wipes and a warmer. So there.

What’s especially delightful to me is watching Husband’s responses to all this. He’s embracing his Inner Father: reading Consumer Reports Guide to Baby Products, searching Internet forums discussing the pros and cons of items, reading about baby care in What to Expect the First Year. I handed him a booklet from Fisher-Price that features their products, and he was charmed by the baby bath and swings. The reality of what’s coming is permeating us both, and we’re getting excited. I plan to borrow Dr. Seuss books from the library so he can read to my belly.

And yes, I’ve already decided on and aquired a baby book for her first year. They are all so different: some are frilly and cute, some are hip, some have scrapbook elements, some are spiral-bound, and they all are organized differently. Since I’ll be using it for a year, I found one I really like. For myself I bought The Belly Book; it’s a keepsake for me, but I imagine someday my daughter might like it, since it’s a record of the very beginning of her life.

I’m a little concerned that my regular readers will find the frequency and length of my posts on all things baby tiresome after awhile. But that’s the direction of my life. I’m becoming a parent, and this blog focuses on what I find relevant to me, so I expect to often use the lens of parenting and childhood. I’m sure I’ll write about other stuff too; I’m too interested in everything to fall prey to tunnel vision. So have faith if you’re not interested in parenthood and children; I’ll throw a bone to you now and then. 😉

P.S. I’m feeling her move frequently now. There’s a little person inside me. I’m bringing her into existence. It moves me to tears. And it truly is an awesome feat.

For the Sake of Authenticity

Just in case I seem only an “inspiring” person who has most of her life together…

I have a specific person in mind as I write this post. Laurel, my dear, I write this to you (though all commenters are welcome).

It’s been one year since I started playing with poetry again. One year since I approached writing poems with wonder, with confidence in my right to try and to have fun. It’s been almost one year since I immersed myself in the toxicity of that poetry forum (which shall remain unlinked here).

Now, maybe I’m not writing as avidly as I did that first month because I’ve been busy. (Then again, I had plenty of energy when I began writing despite working a zillion hours a week. And I’ve not been busy since October when my job ended, but the pen seems dry.) Maybe I’m not writing because, as is my fashion, I often begin endeavors with bright enthusiasm, then fade over time.

There’s some truth in this, but there’s more. I’m lying to myself to deny it. The atmosphere of the forum: the snootiness, the stringent standards, the high academia, the ruthlessness of the moderators, and that encounter with the asshole wannabe guru — this silenced me. When I write a poem now, I choke. I hear the critic before I even capture an image and taste the words. I can’t hear the music in them now. Inspiration fled.

No matter how much I try to comfort myself with Ted Kooserâ€™s encouragement, I remain bound.

Today, at the ocean, I managed to free myself a little. Perhaps it was the 25 mph wind. I wish I could return to the poem writer I was before encountering the forum. It’s a kind of innocence lost. And by venturing into the forum, I did it to myself.

Even in middle age, I am still affected by others’ judgment of me. Not as much as when I was younger, certainly. There are some people whose judgment or opinion matters more and to whom I respond: Husband, family, close friends. But why, oh why, do the opinions of strangers, especially disembodied ones on the Internet, have any impact? Why the hell do I give them this power? The forum stressed that the criticism should not be taken personally, that it was critique of the work. I understood this; I don’t feel I took it personally. But I did feel daunted by the focus on technicality. What keeps me from writing poetry is the desire to do it “right,” like a “serious” poet, but I get bogged down by the high standards of technique. Where’s the fun?

More importantly, how will I get it back?

My Spiritual Sojourn

This post is essentially an outline of the encounters I’ve had in my journey; I’m posting it here for my reference, and also for your edification. There is much that can be fleshed out. If you’d like to read in-depth about any particular segment, leave a note in the comments specifying which one. I’m not certain I will be ready to oblige you, but it might give me a starting point. I’ve been told numerous times by those I’ve shared my story with that my experiences would make an interesting book. (I really enjoyed and was inspired by Karen Armstrong’s book, The Spiral Staircase: My Climb Out of Darkness.)

1963-1976: Roman Catholic, an earnest believer (as much as a child can understand); baptized, first commmunion, confirmation. Considered becoming a nun.

1977-1981: Attended a Roman Catholic weekend seminar for teens and discovered charismatic Catholicism, which included the concept of being “born again.” Began attending a weekly prayer group for teens called Reality. These were hosted by an adult couple and teens took turns facilitating discussion, prayer, and music. Was also depressed; starting at 16 I saw a psychologist at school (which kept me tethered to this world). Was an obnoxious proselytizer of my conservative religion.

1982-1983: Began having doubts about Catholicism and God. Struggled for independence and autonomy in a household where attending church was mandatory as long as I was under my parents’ roof. Explored sexuality, first with a man, later with a woman. Drew a “line in the sand” with my father while still living at home by refusing to attend church. Moved out of the house December 1983. Entered into a monogamous relationship with a woman that I fully intended to live in commitment with the rest of my life. Began therapy at the Onondaga Pastoral Counseling Center (depression).

1984-1988: Entered my angry anti-Christian phase. I threw myself into reading novels and non-fiction works about Judaism. Voraciously read books on anthropology and psychology. Came out to my family, friends, and co-workers as a lesbian. Attended a Passover Seder held by a friend and attended Shabbat service at Temple Adath Yeshurun with her. Visited Plymouth Congregational church (which had a female minister and was accepting of gays) but could not reconcile with Christianity. Continued to struggle with depression and received counseling. My first therapist (a female) had graduated and moved on. I chose to work with a male therapist next in order to deal with my distrust of men; I made it clear how I felt and that I was gay and would not brook any attempts to “cure” me of this. He was one of the best therapists I’ve ever worked with. (Note: let me make clear that I do not believe lesbians are such because they distrust men. For me, this was an aspect of my identity, but I think there is largely an inherent biological component to sexual orientation, and it’s not a dichotomy (gay or straight) but a spectrum.)

mid-1988-1990: After five years, unresolvable problems led to the mutual and amicable dissolution of my relationship with my significant other. I was invited to move home to my parents’ house for a short while so I could pay off a large debt and apply to colleges in order to finish my B.A. Until 1988 I had enormous difficulty settling on a major, but I experienced an epiphany in a particular class that led me to commit to studying psychology. Ended therapy with the male psychotherapist at OPCC in 1989 having come a very long way. When pressed to define my sexuality, I chose bisexual. I remained agnostic and non-practicing in any religion. Took a leave from my university job to attend college full-time in Oswego. Found myself deeply lonely for many reasons. Experienced a falling-out with my parents in spring 1990 that led me to put education on hold for financial reasons. Returned to work full-time at the university. Had an unstable housing situation for awhile. Was particularly mired in depression in 1990. In May 1989, began what would become a decade long penpal relationship with a Navajo man in prison for life in Arizona; the discourse between us became a type of journal exchange. (He shared his religious experiences as a Navajo, and I read about Native American religions.) A typical letter from me was 15-20 typed single-spaced pages, and we wrote between 100-200 letters each per year. This dialogue was challenging, educational, and healing.

1990-1991: Attended a local Methodist church and talked with the pastor. Attended a friend’s Christian & Missionary Alliance church, which was very conservative, and struggled with the doctrine. Could not accept this. Reconciled with my parents. Struggled still with loneliness. Bought my first car ever, which allowed me to return to college (commuting 100 miles round trip) while working — both full-time. This increased freedom and mobility opened my life.

1992-1994: Finished my B.A. in December 1992. In January, started attending a local Unitarian Universalist church and became involved in some of the groups there. Talked with the pastor extensively about my spiritual questions; if asked, I would have said I was agnostic. I also visited several Unity church services at a friend’s invitation. Went to a Powwow held near Binghamton, N.Y. Viewed a gallery of works by Native American artists, hosted by Golden Paints in Columbus, New York. In July 1994 I moved from Syracuse, NY, to Austin, Texas. In September 1994 I was raped. Shortly after, some neighbors befriended me; they were born-again, charismatic, fundamentalist Christians. Having called the rape crisis center but not receiving help (longer story), I turned to the safety of a conservative, rigid, rule-driven religion. I revealed my return to “born again” Christianity to my family. In particular this caused a rift between my brother and me (we both lived in Austin).

1995-1997: Depression resurfaced, and loneliness lurked. Continued on the conservative Christian path with increasing difficulty. I never truly felt at home with the speaking in tongues, the arm-waving during service, the naivete of the believers. I would not attest that my past relationship with a woman had been sinful. I did not see homosexuality as the sin and abomination they purported. I did not accept creationism. I did not believe the scriptures were literally true. I was uncomfortable with the “holier than thou” attitude the churches I attended had toward maintstream Christian denominations. I was not convinced Christianity was the one, true way. Grew uncomfortable with the mandate to “witness for the lord” so that others might “be saved” — this created more barriers than bridges with “nonbelievers.” I participated in small prayer groups but found them to be superficial; for the most part, the “friendship” did not extend beyond the group. Resisted the doctrine of original sin; found that defining humans by their flaws did not help release people from their egos. It simply turned them ego-centric and narcissistic in a negative way. Found the “born again” worldview glib and began to think of it as heaven insurance. Questioned what real belief is. Quit my full-time job. Entered graduate school for counseling and experienced further dissonance; saw the movie, Chasing Amy and experienced a pivotal realization about my identity. I left the church I was involved in and forsook Christianity altogether. Whatever social community I had went with it; a lonely season followed. I felt as though I had returned to myself in a fundamental way. My depression continued; I began getting therapy with another excellent therapist and began dealing with the long-neglected impact of the sexual assault.

1998-1999: My depression worsened. Continued therapy and worked with deep issues. I put all my energy into school and excelled but barely had anything left outside of that. Lack of income led me to getting a full-time job again, so I worked and attended classes full-time. My cat died in April 1998; grief compounded the depression. Had an ill-advised affair with a scholar working in the same department at university; it ended badly. I could not let go; seeing him daily was torture. Felt incredibly alone and vulnerable. While attending a Catholic university, began a dialogue with the priest there about Catholicism that was very healing (though ultimately did not lead to reconciliation). (Interestingly, the Catholic university was most receptive to discourse about religious and philosophical matters and to the search for truth and meaning. Their religion professor defined himself as a Buddhist Catholic.) Attended mass there because I found the chapel a refuge of peace. Began reading about Buddhism and occasionally joined a small group to practice Vipassana meditation. Also began reading about quantum physics (to the degree I could understand).

In late 1998 I was assessed and prescribed medication for depression. The improvement was notable, immediate, and felt miraculous. Graduated in May 1999; one of the happiest episodes of my life. My depression abated. Ended the writing relationship with my penpal for reasons I’m not ready to disclose here yet. Since I was not certain I would ever find one man or woman who could “handle” me (it had been suggested I was more than enough for a single person, that I was “too intense”), I explored polyamory briefly with a man who was involved in similar relationships. I examined the ways in which love can be expressed and received via reading and discussion. Met Husband in October 1999. Fell in love and felt immediately at home with him. Concluded that polyamory was viable for others, not for me. (If interested, a good book to start with is The Ethical Slut.) Came to understand that I will never return to Catholicism.

2000-present: At the invitation of a friend, attended Satsang at Barsana Dahm Hindu temple. Moved in with Husband. Completed my counseling internship and passed the licensing exam. Continued to read about and explore Buddhism and also Taoism. Began to read widely about Paganism as well. Irregularly practiced sitting meditation. Discovered making art as a spiritual practice and meditation; found knitting to be similar. Continued to take medication for depression; twice attempted to titrate off them with doctor’s supervision and found in each case the depression returned. Made peace with this and accepted that for me to be healthy, medication is necessary. Moved across country (then married in 2005). Over the years, as my life has become more stable (less struggle for basic financial survival, improved mental health, self-acceptance, a healthy loving relationship with Husband), pervasive loneliness evaporated.

I participated in several workshops by Alaya called Yoga for the Emotional Body; focus was on developing skill in working with feelings to channel and contain their energies; in this way, emotions become a source of enrichment in one’s life. The experiences were life-changing. In 2004, briefly attended a church in Austin that I found combined the best of esoteric Christianity, psychology, and mysticism. This unique church is called The Church of Conscious Harmony. It was a contemplative community; I found the reverence for spirit inspiring. There is nothing like it in the Bay Area. I fundamentally do not embrace the general concept of Christianity (though I do believe there are valuable wisdom teachings in the scriptures, as in other religious writings); nor do I believe in a god. I remain undefined and uncategorized as to a particular belief system or practice. When pressed to identify what religion I am most drawn to and feel compatible with, I name Buddhism and psychology.

As I review this post, it’s clear to me a I’ve read nothing about Islam, and for the purpose of being informed that strikes me as a topic to explore. I also plan to explore more topics like Carl Sagan’s latest book, The Varieties of Scientific Experience: A Personal View of the Search for God.