Category Archives: Social Science

Create and Tell Your Story

Anita of Chantlady learns to sing has stirred something in me with her musings:

All I want is to be in one place, and do one important thing. I need to imagine something new, to slow down the momentum of my life, What I know is that I’m sick of this ridiculous life I’m living in the American suburbs. A fast life going nowhere, driving past shopping centers and Wal-marts, multiplex theaters, all the buildings I never set foot in, except for one, the tall building where I work, sitting in a cubicle that contains a desk, a phone, and a computer, day after day. Everything seeks to be made into a story. What is the story that my life is seeking? What is the story that your life is seeking?

A Penny For Your Thoughts

I recently happened across a blog called Blaugustine, written by the “altar-ego”of a woman named Natalie. She doesn’t have permalinks yet, and she’s permitted me to post several images of a list she created. It’s a neat list that graphically depicts the kinds of thoughts we have.

It reminds me a bit of the feelings chart that therapists use to help children and adults identify and express feelings.
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We Need to Grieve

Grief is a natural process, one which our culture pressures us to either avoid or process quickly with the assistance of therapy. I’ve been reading Anne Lamott’s book, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith; in one chapter she writes about her experience grieving the death of a dear friend as well as the dissolution of a romantic relationship:

All those years I fell for the great palace lie that grief should be gotten over as quickly as possible and as privately. But what I’ve discovered since is that the lifelong fear of grief keeps up in a barren, isolated place and that only grieving can heal grief; the passage of time will lessen the acuteness, but time alone, without the direct experience of grief, will not heal it. …I’m pretty sure that it is only by experiencing that ocean of sadness that we come to be healed — which is to say, that we come to experience life with a real sense of presence and spaciousness and peace.

I’ve been fortunate in my four decades to be spared the loss of a human beloved through death, but I have said goodbye to a number of cat companions. The last one was especially tragic for reasons I won’t enumerate here, but I did experience what Lamott is describing. Grief is harrowing, but in its way, the experience cleanses the soul.

What’s the Buzz?**

Regarding the inevitable brouhaha surrounding Gibson’s movie, The Passion of the Christ:

The argument about the film’s political implications is important and, in any case, will be hard — at least for a while — to drown out. But at a certain point, disciples of cinema, whatever their other loyalties and affiliations, must reaffirm a basic creed: for God’s sake, shut up and watch the movie.

—A.O. Scott

**From a song featured in the movie, Jesus Christ Superstar.

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail

For a good portion of Wednesday and Thursday, and now apparently into Friday, I have been reading and extrapolating information from Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, compiling quizzes from the book to use with the various couples I counsel.

The author, John Gottman, is a professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle. He conducted studies of over 2,000 married couples for 20 years to identify what makes marriages last. He’s become well-known for his abiity to predict with 94 percent accuracy which couples will stay married and which will not. I’d heard of him several years ago (from my own therapist, actually) and became intrigued.

In a nutshell, Gottman identified two major factors influencing martial stability and success: marital style and the ratio of positive to negative interaction.
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Bloggers On Blogging

The writer of Heart @ Work has invited other bloggers to answer the question of why people blog. Today’s guest writes BrewedFreshDaily. His answer to how blogging has changed his life appealed to me, because it’s an excellent metaphor describing this virtual experience.

G: Now that I think about it, my website has really fulfilled a dream of mine, only in a virtual way. I always thought it would be really cool to have my own coffee house. A place where people can hang out, drink coffee, talk about anything that’s on their minds, read the newspaper, whatever. Maybe one day I’ll have an actual shop with a big brass cappuccino machine, hardwood floors, leather chairs, and my favorite CDs playing. For now, I’ll have to grab a cup o’ joe, turn on a streaming internet station and hang out with my cool friends who visit me on my blog.

No More Asylum

A psychiatrist wrote about his experience of working at a mental hospital where cell phones, laptops, and other such devices were permitted to patients. As experiments went, this one had its problems. He raised an interesting point as well — mental hospitals formerly provided respite from the world to give the patient time to recover. From In a Mental Institute, the Call of the Outside:

We said O.K. to the cellphones and the other wireless devices on the research unit. Dr. C. even got some power strips to allow more chargers to be plugged in. We were proud. Here, as in so many other areas, our institute was on the leading edge — with Internet access in occupational therapy, and with all these devices on the floor. And the devices multiplied. Besides cellphones and laptops, we now had an influx of Palm Pilots and BlackBerries and pagers as well.

And soon, perhaps predictably, problems arose. Some were practical. What if a device disappeared, or if one patient broke another’s device? Nurses complained that they spent an inordinate amount of time untangling cords and baby-sitting delicate gizmos.

Other issues were clinical. What if patients spent all their time on the phone and refused to go to therapy? What if substance abusers used their phones to “order in” their drugs of abuse (not a far-fetched idea in Manhattan)? Clearly, limits had to be set. On the other hand, we wanted some patients to talk on the phone: the ability to reach out to others might speed a patient’s recovery from depression, or hasten the emergence from psychosis.

We marveled at another change, in stigma. Traditionally, the last thing patients want is for their friends and neighbors to know they had checked into the “nuthouse.” Now, when the phone rang, and a friend asked, “Where are you?” the answer could be, “In the psych hospital.” From that perspective, bringing your cellphone seemed like a brash vote of confidence for the New Psychiatry.

Bereavement Counseling

From the NY Times article, Often, Time Beats Therapy for Treating Grief:

A major new “Report on Bereavement and Grief Research” prepared by the Center for the Advancement of Health concluded, “A growing body of evidence indicates that interventions with adults who are not experiencing complicated grief cannot be regarded as beneficial in terms of diminishing grief-related symptoms.”

The report adds that there is very little evidence for the effectiveness of interventions like crisis teams that visit family members within hours of a loss, self-help groups that seek to foster friendships, efforts to show the bereaved ways to work through grief and a host of other therapeutic approaches believed to help the bereaved.

In fact, the studies indicate, grief counseling may sometimes make matters worse for those who lost people they loved, regardless of whether the death was traumatic or occurred after a long illness, according to Dr. John Jordan, director of the Family Loss Project in the Boston area. Such people may include the only man in a group of women, a young person in a group of older people, or someone recently bereaved in a group that includes a person still suffering intensely a year or more after the loved one’s death.

Further, the research suggests, bereavement counseling is least needed in the immediate aftermath of a loss. Yet it is then that most grieving people are invited to take part in the offered services. A more appropriate time is 6 to 18 months later, if the person is still suffering intensely.

Are You In?

Love doesn’t come with a contract
You give me this I gave you that
It’s scary business
Your heart and soul is on the line

–Radney Foster, I’m In

Yesterday I heard this song for the first time in awhile, and it made me happy. It’s the kind of song that champions life. Sure, engaging love is scary. You might give it and be spurned by the intended recipient. There’s risk of injury. Yet the potential for reward is equally breathtaking.

There was a time in my life when friendships were quite transient. I’d moved to Austin — away from family and life-long familiarity — and got involved in different activities, meeting new people but finding they would drift out of my life. I was attentive and nurturing, but the effort wasn’t reciprocated. I recall wondering if something was wrong with me that might explain why these people were so uncommitted.

For awhile I was also tempted to lament the situation as being more evidence of our too-fast, overly mobile lifestyles in the U.S. While it may be true, focusing on this put me at risk of becoming bitter and cynical.

So I decided to reframe the way I perceived love. I imagined love in the form of an ocean — boundless, with high and low tides. People — like the tide — may come and go, but love’s ocean remains. When I felt alone, I focused on remembering that my life would be full of love and connection again, that this too was temporary.

Thinking about love in this way reduced my fear and neediness. This, in turn, allowed my true self to shine through, which then attracted more people to me. My life now is quite full of love — a life partner, family, and friends. I realize the secret to keeping love is in holding lightly, experiencing the relationship fully in the present, and being willing to let go when the time comes.

Location, Location, Location

This year marks my tenth year living in Austin. I’m from upstate New York, a fairly agricultural area with small cities, towns, and farms dotting the lush green land. Unfortunately, it is also a location of economic depression as businesses move south. I left my hometown seeking a better economy, more sunshine, no snow, and greater educational opportunities. My search was rewarded here. I do miss the northeast sometimes, especially during the change of seasons. I also would prefer living in a smaller city with less aggressive traffic. On the whole, however, Austin is the best place for me at this point of my life.

A study has been released by Bert Sperling ranking the most and least stressful cities in America. Some interesting highlights from the study (paraphrased from the Sperling’s BestPlaces report):

Most of the top-ten stress cities deal with high unemployment rates. This creates a ripple effect of reduced tax revenues, which in turn contributes to a situation in which crime rates increase while social services decrease.

Las Vegas: a strong economy, but at what cost? It has the highest suicide rate and the highest percentage of divorced residents.

Miami, despite its #2 ranking as a high stress city, seems to report the lowest rate of poor mental health.

Low stress cities are often centers of government or have a local university, which can provide stability during economic fluctuations.

Honolulu residents seem to get better rest and reported the fewest days of depression, anxiety, or tension.

A strong positive correlation exists between the rates of suicide and divorce. Cities with a high rate of one have a high rate of the other.

Top Five Most Stressful Cities

  • Tacoma, WA
  • Miami, FL
  • New Orleans
  • Las Vegas, NV
  • New York, NY

Top Five Least Stressful Cities

  • Albany-Schenectady-Troy, NY
  • Harrisburg-Lebanon-Carlisle, PA
  • Orange County, CA
  • Nassau-Suffolk, NY
  • Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN

And Austin? We rank about midway at number 60.

To explore the study in greater detail, visit here. You may also want to peruse the book, Cities Ranked and Rated: More than 400 Metropolitan Areas Evaluated in the U.S. and Canada, which is due for release in March.

Take the Risk

Social scientist David Allyn recently published a book about embarrassment: I Can’t Believe I Just Did That: How (Seemingly) Small Moments of Shame and Embarrassment Can Wreak Havoc in Your Life-And What You Can Do to Put a Stop to Them.

The New York Times featured Dr. Allyn’s work:

In a culture overpopulated with attention grabbers, midriff barers and superficial self-help gurus, what does Mr. Allyn have to offer? For one thing, he is a wicked observer of self-conscious people at their less than best. For another, his suggestions are meant to encourage both civic mindednesss and fun.

His credo? “There is too much caution in the world.”

So what does he think you should do at a movie theater where a bunch of unruly teenagers are ruining everyone’s viewing experience? “Call them on it. Tell them to knock it off or they’re out of there,” he said. And if you see someone who looks interesting and bored on a bus? Take a chance of being rejected and say hello. This tactic led to the production of a play he wrote and a teaching position at Princeton.

Now a visiting scholar at Columbia, Mr. Allyn, 34, would like to see more strangers communing with one another. At gyms, single people look as if they are at work, when they could be flirting. In Laundromats, they could be networking. At bars, they stare into space.

“People are managing their images all the time,” he said as he sat down for dinner at Matsuri, the cool new Japanese restaurant in Chelsea’s Maritime Hotel. “They’re scared of making fools of themselves. I would rather you say something stupid than be too cautious. I’m all for embracing embarrassment.”

He’s made an excellent point. I remember a time of my life when I was much more curious and receptive to people in general. I would comfortably strike up a conversation with someone on the bus. I smiled at people, made eye contact in the grocery story checkout line. If I was in a clothing store alone, I might ask another woman what she thought of a particular outfit I was trying on. If I was rebuffed, I didn’t take it personally. I don’t have a clear memory of anyone responding poorly to my friendly overture; it seems logical to conclude that this was a generally successful experience.

Somewhere along the way, I closed up. What causes this? Is it the pace of life, and the tendency to become entangled in the next task or a future worry? Is it respect for personal space and privacy gone too far? In the early 1980s I recall being fascinated with a woman on the bus who, every morning on her way to work, was ensconced with a Walkman. They were new and fairly expensive back then. I recall yearning to have portable music, and eventually I did buy one. While it was handy, it added another layer of disconnect in human relations. The walkman is ubiquitous now, and I think it’s to our detriment (along with cellphones and other gadgets intended to increase personal autonomy and connection but which, by their very technicality, complicate and obscure it).

Every day is a new opportunity to throw caution to the wind and engage our world. The process of becoming fully present is rooted in our willingness to connect.

You’ve Got Personality!

Last week over lunch with David Nunez (a local technology advocate and robotic multimedia artist), the topic of personality tests came up. Personality theory is an interest of mine, and I idly commented to him that I might write a post about it. As I continue reading The Stone Diaries (a novelistic study in personality if there ever was one), this passage struck me with quiet affection for the worlds of people that fiction carries us into:

This last was his favorite; there were turnings in the story that filled the back of his throat with smarting, sweet pains, and in those moments he felt his wife only a dozen heartbeats away… It astonished him, how these books were stuffed full of people. Each one was like a little world, populated and furnished. And the way those book people talked! Talk, talk, they lived in their tongues.

–Carol Shields, The Stone Diaries (1993)

The question of who we are and how we come to be ourselves lies at the core of our existence. Some folks are curious and want to consider the mystery, while others not prone to self-reflection (affectionately known as navel-gazing) prefer to be and do and journey through life, taking it at face value. Neither is better than the other. But often, I think, we become frustrated and judgmental of those who are not like us. “If only he would be prompt!” “She has her head in the clouds too much.” “He’s got a soft touch, people take advantage of him.” “She’s so flighty.” We think that life might be much easier if only our beloveds were more like us.

Personality theory and tests have gained popularity in the past decade: the Myers-Briggs, the Keirsey Temperament Sorter, the Ennegram all have helped people understand their differences. However, that’s only part of the equation. Knowing how we are different doesn’t resolve our frustration with the disparities. Indeed, sometimes people misunderstand and use personality typing as a competition, trying to find what type is “better” than the others. But the point of personality theory is to help us empathize with that other who is unlike us. If sincere effort is made to value the contribution that person makes because of her personality traits, and if one tries to see the world as that person does, one more step is taken toward improving relationships.

I’ll use a personal example. My Myers-Briggs personality type if INFJ. My boyfriend’s type is INTP. (If you don’t understand what the letters mean, not to worry. I’ll provide links momentarily.) The last letter of each type pertains to the decision-making aspect of personality. J standing for Judging (not judgmental) and P is Perceiving. People who score a high J tend to be schedule-oriented, organized, on time, future-focused, planners, fast decision-makers, and feel more comfortable after making a decision. Those who score a high P are typically spontaneous, autonomous, live in the moment, have trouble making decisions and put them off, seek more information, and are more laid-back about time, often late. Put a strong J and strong P together, and that’s a recipe for friction.

When we began dating, there was a good deal of tension between me and the Beau in this area. He thought I was uptight. I thought he was inconsiderate of my time. He said I couldn’t relax. I told him he was irresponsible. Oy vey. But then something happened. (Well, not as suddenly as that sentence suggests.) We got tired of griping at each other; we decided to stop judging and wishing to change each other and made a conscious effort to appreciate those qualities that drove us around the bend.

Gradually, I came to realize that being on time wasn’t imperative. The world wouldn’t end if I was a few minutes late. The weekend became less about nagging and crossing off tasks on my to-do list and more about playing. Similarly, the Beau made an effort to be more aware of time, to call if he was running late. I learned from him the value of shopping around rather than going to one store and impulsively saying, “Okay, I found something I like, let’s be done with it.” With patience, sometimes you can find an excellent deal. In turn, he has come to understand that gathering more data can be a way of stalling because one is fearful of making a mistake. Or that opportunities can be lost when one has a casual attitude about scheduling. We recently mused how nice it would be to see The Flaming Idiots’ last show (they say they’re retiring). I coordinated communication among our friends and booked the tickets — just in time, since the show was nearly sold out when I called, and was totally booked shortly after. We still have rough edges around that part of our relationship, but we understand and accommodate each other more, now that we’ve come to value — and love — the differences.

There is much more to say on the topic of personality, but I’ll save that for another day. If you want to learn more, you might check out the:

Keirsey Site
Enneagram Institute
Personality Pathways
9Types.com
C.G. Jung Page
Ennegram Notepage
Personality Page
Gurdjieff Links
Skeptic’s Dictionary for MBTI and Ennegram

Have fun and remember these are theories — not carved in stone. They are ideas intended to guide us toward understanding human nature.

Words to Ponder #78

The charity that begins at home cannot rest there but draws one inexorably over the threshold and off the porch and down the street and so out and out and out and out into the world which becomes the home wherein charity begins until it becomes possible, in theory at least, to love the whole of creation with the same patience, affection, and amusement one first practiced, in between the pouts and tantrums, with parents, siblings, spouse, and children.

–Nancy Mairs, Ordinary Time (1993)

Empowering Through Community

These days more people are working in lower-paying jobs without medical benefits or paid vacation and sick time. There are many who, despite being a two-income household, encounter the unexpected expense that they can’t easily cover; there are single-income households with children, and one financial mishap can be disastrous. The car breaks down and needs $600 of repairs. The sole income earner was laid off and the utility bill is due. Insurance won’t cover a prescription and you can’t afford the $200 medication this month. These can throw a budget into the red, making it difficult to recover.

What to do? Enter Modest Needs, a non-profit, tax-exempt philanthropic endeavor founded by Keith Taylor in 2002. This organization receives no public money (such as government grants). It is a community effort of people helping others just like themselves. The organization provides one-time assistance to assist people who have steady incomes and just need help over a financial hurdle. Monies are distributed based on need.

If you want to support Modest Needs, you can make a one-time donation or a monthly pledge. Modest Needs also makes available the resources of people who volunteer their time in a specific way; for example, childcare, mechanic, counseling, lawyer, even prayer. So if you with to donate service rather than funds, this is welcome. You can also support them by spreading the word about their mission to as many people as possible, and encourage folks to chip in. Every little bit helps.

Thanks to Austin Lasting Images for passing this information along to me. It’s a brilliant concept, and I’d love to see Modest Needs grow.