Category Archives: Social Science

The Artist’s Way: Resolving to Be Me

Whether we’re talking about resolutions of initiating new behaviors like working out or extinguishing old behaviors like food indulgences, there is a curious “third self” whose job is to think of clever ways to resolve conflicts between the first and second selves.

The third self employs all kinds of logic, rewards, and punishments to get compliance of the second self to the first self’s supposed “good” intentions.

I would think that the whole matter requires a fourth (higher) self who looks at the whole drama and says, my only intention is to be unapologetically who I am. It is the resolution to favor authenticity over manipulation.

—Jack/Zen

This morning I realized that I’ve owned my copy of The Artist’s Way for nine years. Nine years. Where did they go? Anyhow, I’ve made two attempts at following the book, and each time my efforts petered out just after the first chapter. On January 1, a group of bloggers loosely joined will embark on this journey, and I am among them. (Anyone is welcome to join in, too!)

I’ve skimmed the other chapters and was intrigued by the tasks assigned in each. As I pondered why I never progressed further than chapter one, the answer emerged: I loath the morning pages, where each morning one is supposed to handwrite three pages in stream-of-conscious style. I rarely write longhand anymore; when I do, it is uncomfortable for me. I am also not a morning person, and getting up early for my new job will be enough of a feat. Furthermore, there is in me a rebellious streak. When something is conveyed as non-negotiable, as Julia Cameron’s “morning pages rule” is, I resist. I think, “Excuse me? I am voluntarily doing this. I paid for the book. Do not position anything as mandatory to me.” My failed attempts at traveling the Artist’s Way were rooted in this response. My “artist self” was overcome by my “lazy/rebellious/critical/fill-in-the-blank-with-a-negative self” and gave up.

So now I must ask myself if I resolve to do it the author’s way in this third attempt and risk getting bogged down in morning page resistance again. I used to think that my failure to complete the work was because I felt lonely and wanted to do it with other people, but I know myself better than I did in 1997 or 2002. Certainly I will enjoy the journey with other people, but the barrier to my success is this resistance to the rule of morning pages.

Julia Cameron would probably call me “blocked” and insist this is exactly why I should write the morning pages. My response to this is to listen to my own wisdom. She may be a guide to creativity, but she is not the Final Authority on Creative Truth. I am willing to participate and make serious effort to explore my creativity. If one autocratic rule will hinder this, then I will dispense with it. Why rob myself of other worthwhile exploration (the spirit of the law) for one rule (the letter of the law)? Her book is a guide, not an artist’s catechism.

So I hereby declare power over my own creative process and dare to fashion it to my needs. I am not split into “selves” that are pitted against each other. I have faith in self-knowledge; I rely on my wisdom that says there is more to be gained by making an exception to her rule than in being leashed to it. I resolve, as Jack wrote, “to favor authenticity over manipulation” and unapologetically be myself. And who knows? Perhaps by freeing myself of the illusion that I must do as the author says, I will find myself genuinely writing morning pages. Or not.

The Very Essence of Joy

Impermanence is the very essence of joy — the drop of bitterness that enables one to perceived the sweet.

–Myrtle Reed, Master of the Vineyard

This afternoon the post-holiday year-end anomie hit me. I feel immeasurably sad. Because all is well and peaceful in my life at the moment, I can only surmise this is grief over the passing of time.

Given the kind of year 2005 was, I could very well say “good riddance” to it. Yet it contained some wonderful things as well. Is there a gauge for rating a year’s good against bad events to determine its overall value?

This year contained illness and death in my family. It brought two pregnancy losses. It saw the severing of a seven year friendship. It allowed me to see how very frail my aging parents are becoming, making me acutely aware of the 2,849 miles between us. Last night I realized that, if I have a child, my father-in-law will never know. During his last week of life I wondered if he was scared, if it saddened him to leave. He was a man who did not speak about emotions much. I will never know the answers to these questions. I do know this, though. If I have a child, I will be sad that he is gone, that my child will never know him.

From this flows the awareness of gaps in my own family. I never met my maternal grandmother or paternal grandfather. We lived far enough from the rest of the family to make visits infrequent and short. (This is not a critiscim of my parents; we lived where there was work for my father in a place large enough to provide a broader life experience than the small towns in which they grew up.) My siblings have chosen other paths than parenthood. I have postponed parenthood; if I succeed, my child will hardly have an extended family. We are spread all over the country. Sometimes when I think of this, of being a parent in this community, I feel very alone. Yes, there are plenty of places to connect, and lots of groups where I could make friends with other parents. Yet there is no continuity, no history. My parents are in New York; my mother-in-law lives in Washington. Grandma and grandpa won’t be nearby to drive the kids over for a visit.

A child-free existence makes transience more tolerable.

And yet… and yet. Millions of people live with these broken threads in their family tapestry. They survive and even thrive. I am not alone. And this was the year I got married to my wonderful husband. I was hired for a job I’d never done (academic coaching) and discovered I loved it. Now I am about to start working for a non-profit, developing community programs in the bay area. I learned to knit this year. I read a lot of books. I made art for 30 days in a row and discovered I have more talent than I’d known. I got to visit friends and family in Austin for my birthday and to spend time with my parents, extended family, and eldest sister in September. I made some new friends. I’m able to meet my basic needs and most of my desires. 2006 shows great promise.

Sadness is impermanent, too.

A General Update

Oh, the days blur by in the blink of an eye! My brother and sister-in-law arrive tomorrow. The house has been dusted, vacuumed, and mopped. Menus are planned. Presents have steadily appeared under the tree, with a few more yet to arrive. What remains is to bake cookies (snowballs, cut-outs with frosting) and relax for the few days before Christmas. Tomorrow is the solstice, and I will light candles to celebrate.

Two good people have sent me stacks of unused postcards so far. Thank you! I have found two projects for postcards. One is PostCrossing; you register yourself, and you request addresses to send postcards to. It randomly picks names from all over the world. I’ve sent one to Germany and another to Portugal. Hopefully my name will be selected soon! The other site is PostcardX. It’s incredibly simple to use, but I hesitate. It’s completely insecure. By this I mean that if I list my name and address and create a profile there, it can be edited by anyone — yes, anyone. Apparently the occasional troll or miscreant will tamper with the information; I read the group messages and learned this. I would prefer to have a log-in process so I can have some control over my profile, but apparently the person who founded the site doesn’t see this as a necessity. I may send postcards to participants but not list myself.

The other evening we rented a couple of movies. One was Husband’s pick, and I was ambivalent at first. I was pleasantly surprised by Mr. and Mrs. Smith. It was a lark to watch, ridiculous and mischievous, and it made me laugh. It was a bit of pointless fun, and I enjoyed every minute. The other movie I marveled at: March of the Penguins. Wow. Emperor penguins are resilient, stoic, and majestic. And their offspring are adorable. It was funny and heartbreaking at moments. I enjoyed watching the additional commentary on the DVD, about the making of the movie and the moviemakers reflections on the experience.

I recently read The Joy of Letting Women Down, by Natalie d’Arbeloff. (I bought my copy! You should too! It’s worth it.) This book is a snappy, smart “how-to book” for beings known as the Worshipped Male, or for men who would like to become a Worshipped Male. It’s also useful for anyone wanting to know why women fall for womanizers and how such a man operates. The illustrations poke fun at and complement the text and carry the unmistakable style that is Natalie’s. As I read and chuckled, it felt as though Mephistopheles might be whispering the advice in my ear. The counsel on how to treat women as disposable playthings, delivered in a sprightly manner and tone, was as unsettling as it was witty. Knowing this book was created by a woman gave the humor a subtle bitter edge that I enjoyed. I highly recommend another of Natalie’s creations, currently available online: Augustine Interviews God. It’s thought-provoking, tender, and original. It could only be these things — just like Natalie.

And since it is (almost) Solstice, I opened my gift from my novelist friend (as she instructed). I was deeply pleased to get The Knitting Sutra: Craft as a Spiritual Practice. I look forward to savoring this.

Well, all my hard labor scrubbing and tidying has readied me for a long winter’s nap. Thus I will oblige my tired body and write again later.

The Presence of Absence

A year ago I went up to Washington to help my father-in-law. His lymphoma came out of remission and moved into his brain. He could no longer drive, so I drove the 62 mile round-trip to take him for radiation treatment. We had a ritual. Before embarking south on Highway 20, we would pull up to a drive-through coffee stand, which are ubiquitous in slate-skied northwestern Washington. He would order a latte with whipped cream; I ordered my usual black coffee. He always treated. It was a precious time; I got a chance to know him better, even in our comfortable silences. I felt deep in my being that it would be his last Christmas.

Since his death in April, ordinary life unfolds, dotted with bigger events, and throughout this we walk around that space he left behind. We may not talk about the loss often, but as a bass note thrums underneath melody, the presence of his absence is felt daily. I know that’s an odd phrase, but that is how I experience it. I don’t simply experience his absence. It is more prominent than that, for me. His absence is palpable, and therefore it creates a presence of its own.

I do enjoy Christmastime. This year is no exception. Yet this year my joy is tinted with sadness. I run up against the reality of his death in every conversation about gifts (he would call me to find out what my husband wanted, and we would pick his brain about what to get my mother-in-law). Every time I eat dark chocolate, I think of him, because we shared a passion for that. There is no denying the fact that I will not hear his laugh or get a bear hug from him this year. I cherished his equanimity and appetite for life.

This post, then, is dedicated to my father-in-law. I miss him, and my celebration of Yule is both bitter and sweet. I also dedicate this post to my mother and father, who each lost a parent at young ages (20 and 14 respectively), and to my sister-in-law L and my friend Mapelba, who lost their mothers too soon. I am learning what they have lived with for years: to accept, if not embrace, the presence of a loved one’s absence.

Christmas Came Early!

I’m happy, so happy! A couple weeks ago I mentioned getting together with an acquaintance who manages Hands On Bay Area for which I volunteer. I love what they do. They make it easy for busy people to find time to volunteer and help other non-profits get the volunteer assistance they need. We discussed the possibility of my doing an internship. (You see, Husband and I daydream about moving back to Austin; one of my idle reveries involved starting up a regional office there — Hands On Austin.) When I became aware that they had several AmeriCorps service positions to fill, I thought, “All the better! It provides a stipend in addition to experience.” So I applied.

There was much interest, and many people were interviewed. The team dynamic is important, so they chose with care. Being older than the average applicant, and also more experienced, there was some concern I might find it frustrating to work with “youngsters.” I’m sure there will be moments of frustration, but that’s life. I’m generally one who connects well with people of all ages, and besides, it’s good experience for people of different ages to work together. We all have something to teach. The benefit of this position is that I would have the support of a group that is learning together, gaining confidence while improving the community.

I interviewed on December 5 and waited with as much patience as I could muster while they went through their process (which was quite a feat, given how much I wanted this opportunity). This afternoon I was rewarded with a phone call offering me a position. I’ll start working full-time on January 9. I’ll work mostly in the south Bay area, but will also head up to San Francisco several times a month.

This job will give me the chance to expand my skills into non-profit program development and management, a direction I’ve been headed toward for awhile without realizing it. The shift to working full-time again will require effort, but I’ve been feeling stale for a long time. I’m eager to work again, to make a difference in others’ lives, and to learn new things.

Merry Christmas to me! *happy dance*

This is Just Wrong, Wrong, Wrong

“The theory is that people who have just declared bankruptcy are a good credit risk because their old debts are clean and now they won’t be able to get a new discharge for eight years,” said John D. Penn, president of the American Bankruptcy Institute, a nonprofit clearinghouse for information on the subject. …

But the new law makes for an even better gamble for lenders, consumer groups say. It not only makes bankrupt debtors wait eight years to clear their debts again, but it also requires many of those who do go back into bankruptcy to pay previous credit card bills that may have been excused under the old law. …

Nearly 60 percent of all credit card holders, about 85 million Americans, carry a balance — that is, they do not pay off the entire debt, according to the bankers’ association.

The average debt among those with a monthly balance is $9,000, said the Consumer Federation of America in a recent report. Paying just the monthly minimum — usually 2 percent of the balance — on $9,000, it would take 42 years to pay off the debt, at a typical 18 percent interest rate, the consumer group calculated. Since that study, some banks have raised the minimum to 4 percent. …

Americans owe $800 billion in credit card debt, more than triple the amount from 1989, and a 31 percent increase from five years ago, according to a recent report, “The Plastic Safety Net,” by the Center for Responsible Lending, and Demos, a research group based in New York.

The study found that a third of low- and middle-income American households used credit cards for basic expenses — rent, groceries and utilities — in any 4 of the last 12 months.

–Timothy Egan, Newly Bankrupt Raking In Piles of Credit Offers

I’ve been there. It is so easy to slip into. I became debt-free (except for my student loan and a car loan) without going the bankruptcy route. Banks are charging usurers’ rates and creating a truly Faustian situation. Try to avoid it if you can!