In the past, I’ve written here about my vague desire and intention to join a local Unitarian Universalist church for the community. For readers unfamiliar with Unitarian Universalism, it is described in Wikipedia as:
Unitarian Universalism (UUism) is a theologically liberal religious movement characterized by its support of a “free and responsible search for truth and meaning.” This principle permits Unitarian Universalists a wide range of beliefs and practices. Unitarian Universalist congregations and fellowships tend to retain some Christian traditions such as Sunday worship that includes a sermon and singing of hymns, but do not necessarily identify themselves as Christians.
Ideologically, this suits me. Members of a congregation may be Christian, Buddhist, Atheist, and so on; there is respect for the wisdom in all traditions. Most members come to this community seeking a broader framework to express and experience their spirituality. Members covenant to affirm and promote:
- The inherent worth and dignity of every person.
- Justice, equity and compassion in human relations.
- Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations.
- A free and responsible search for truth and meaning.
- The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large.
- The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all.
- Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.
The living tradition which they share draws from many sources:
- Direct experience of that transcending mystery and wonder, affirmed in all cultures, which moves us to a renewal of the spirit and an openness to the forces which create and uphold life.
- Words and deeds of prophetic women and men which challenge us to confront powers and structures of evil with justice, compassion, and the transforming power of love.
- Wisdom from the world’s religions which inspires us in our ethical and spiritual life.
- Jewish and Christian teachings which call us to respond to God’s love by loving our neighbors as ourselves.
- Humanist teachings which counsel us to heed the guidance of reason and the results of science, and warn us against idolatries of the mind and spirit.
- Spiritual teachings of earth-centered traditions which celebrate the sacred circle of life and instruct us to live in harmony with the rhythms of nature.
- Grateful for the religious pluralism which enriches and ennobles our faith, we are inspired to deepen our understanding and expand our vision. As free congregations we enter into this covenant, promising to one another our mutual trust and support.
However, in the nearly three years I’ve lived here, I’ve only attended a couple of churches a few times. Every step toward involvement or joining has found me resisting. I’ve wondered why that is. In this world where we barely know our neighbors, where friends live hectic lives that require elaborate coordination to socialize, joining a community is beneficial. So I’ve been pondering why I pull back. Is it that I’m lazy and don’t want to get up and going on Sunday morning?
The other evening I went to Purlescence, a yarn store my friends opened last fall, for social knitting (officially Thursday eves and Sundays). I stayed for a few hours and felt nourished. I compared my experience there with the church to see what the knitting group has that the church lacks.
In the yarn store, we talk about the mundane, our jobs, of love revealed and rebuffed, of family. We tell stories and laugh. We share concerns and are received with empathy. There is a core group of women (and one or two men) who attend regularly, but newcomers are always welcomed. There are about 8-12 in attendance. We talk about yarn, assist each other when a mistake is made, show off works in progress and finished projects. There are boisterous moments and quiet interludes. The atmosphere is casual, friendly, not intense, but at the same time, intimate. Sometimes the discussion turns to matters of spirit; it’s a fairly liberal group in that no one proselytizes; instead, discussion of meaning and spirit can be approached from many perspectives. As my relationships with these women grow, I feel that the connections will extend beyond the shop and into “real” life, where friendships will blossom and socializing happen. I believe that if I needed help, these women would coordinate efforts to provide it, and it someone else needed assistance, I would offer.
When I attend any UU church, I feel uncomfortable. I do not need to express my spirituality in a public group that follows a format: hymn singing (even liberal humanist hymns), readings, listening to a sermon, sharing joys and concerns with the congregation — all of this feels rote. Rarely have I heard a sermon which rivets my attention and provokes thought. Then there is the after-service socializing. I’m not extroverted, and making an effort to manufacture chitchat with strangers while holding a paper cup of instant coffee is not fun. Believe me, I do try. I’ve found that I feel lonely, because other members have been attending for years and tend to cluster in small groups to visit, rarely casting an eye about for a newcomer to welcome and engage.
In some churches there are covenant groups; these are groups of 6-12 people who meet regularly; groups are led by experienced facilitators. Meetings have a worship service format, and the focus is on sharing each others’ lives. There is usually a topic to discuss. It’s not a discussion or therapy group, however. The goals are to care for its members, to encourage spiritual growth, and to meet the needs for affirmation and acceptance. They rely on confidentiality and each member’s commitment to participate. They often perform a service project in the community. So this smaller, more intimate group might be just the fit. Again, there is a worship format, which feels forced to me. But who knows, I might be able to adapt.
For an ambivalent newcomer like me, follow through on the part of church members is important. The last time I attended a service, I chatted with one woman who told me there were several people interested in reviving a daytime group. She asked about my schedule, and I said that afternoons work better. She introduced me to the woman who was to coordinate it and told her about my time preference. This woman stiffly told me that the group used to meet at 10 a.m., and I said that I could be flexible; then I gave her my name and phone number and said I looked forward to hearing about the group. I never heard a peep. My life got busy. I could have called the church to follow up, but interest abated. I haven’t attended a service since, and really, you have to show up to nurture connections.
Intellectually I value the concept of community, the strength of many people who share compatible worldviews helping each other and the world around them. Yet my heart hasn’t found a nest in the churches I’ve attended, and it feels so much at home among the women whose hands make knitting needles fly.
I’ll be contemplating this, and perhaps writing more about it.
