Category Archives: Motherhood

Surging Wants

Lately we’ve been tending our garden, literally. A year ago we were marching through the process of house inspections and appraisals in order to get the house. When we moved in late May, the early year growing season was well under way. (We pretty much have a year-round growing season, though.) I planted wildflower seeds in the back yard, and while these were a success, when they died in the fall the garden was barren except for weeds. Speaking of which, they grow prolifically! I can’t keep up.

So I’ve been planting plants, bulbs, and seeds with Claire. We’ve planted rosemary, basil, oregano, and thyme, as well as lavender and jasmine. I’ve also planted Lily of the Valley bulbs, Asiatic Lily bulbs, and a Bleeding Heart bulb. As for seeds, Claire and I sowed plenty: pansies, poppies, zinnias, daisies, and sunflowers, as well as some wildflower mix. We’ll see how well this all grows.

The challenge comes when I surf the internet researching plants and garden planning. There are so, so many sites with lovely plants for sale. I want them all, even though I haven’t the space for them. I also want trellises, a raised bed for vegetables, and on and on.

I must remember this is all a process done in stages. We have various spots of our land than need different major bits of work. We also plan to re-do the back patio and put up a shade awning, and before I start planting around those spaces I need to leave room for the mess and see how the awning affects light near the house. The front of the house also has a couple spots needing major attention, as well as the west side of the house, which is compacted soil and rock from where it used to store the previous owner’s trailer. All in good time. We replaced the fence on the west side; it looks nice, and we had a four-foot gate installed as well, which is a boon for lugging supplies to and fro.

It was so wonderful to spend the weekend outside doing all this. Claire loves it too. My dream of giving her a place to dig in the dirt came true. She also met some snails, which she is not shy about carrying around and playing with. Unfortunately one met its demise at her hands. While she played with it (“he” was her pet), the shell cracked. So she tried to help it move into a new shell (we have a basket of small seashells outside). I explained to her this wasn’t like a hermit crab; he couldn’t just move out and in. But — while I didn’t witness this — I think she tried to help it move into a small seashell, and in the process it got squished. I heard her lament that her friend “went away.” She was sad, but not for long. Our garden does not lack for those creatures.

Since we spent most of the weekend outside, the poor house needs attention. Now I want a magic broom to sweep, and a magic vacuum, and dishwasher fairies. Or at the least a maid service! But alas, I’ll need to take up these tasks myself. I will do so, gratefully.

The Case of the Suspicious Mammogram

The case is solved. I have NO CANCER!! I have a referral to an oncologist to discuss risk reduction options and to a genetic counselor to discuss testing for BRCA 1 and 2. I’m higher risk but so is living in general. Time to celebrate!

And here’s another craft Claire and I did (since life does go on even while parts of it are stalled):

letter u

Itchy and Scratchy

I had my surgery Friday. My good neighbor watched Claire all day, and Hub took care of me at the SurgiCenter. PAMF staff continue to provide excellent care. I have relatively little pain, though the 2-inch scar and the deflated area of my breast makes me a little squeamish when I look at it. So I mostly don’t.

I’ll know the results next Friday.

It’s been a slow-mo weekend. I’m starting to feel the urge to scratch where the incision was, so healing has begun.

I’ve been nursing Claire through a cold this week, and watching with concern about the disaster in Japan.

Onward.

Hell In My Head

I was playing with Claire today, and doing Mommy chores; Claire came up to me and said, “I love you. You’re my buddy.” And then she leaned against me in a hug. Most days, that makes me light with joy and melts my heart. Today, two days prior to my surgery (which I’m told will have 90% chance of revealing no cancer), it melts my heart in a different way. I was awash in the feeling that I had NO business having a child at the age of 44. What the hell was I thinking? It’s the age at which many serious medical issues arise and health begins its steady decline. When she is 20 I’ll be 64, assuming I make it to that age. And I don’t assume.

Perhaps it was irresponsible and selfish of me. Stupid me.

(Okay, time to stop indulging in 100% unhelpful self-pity and gratuitous guilt, which is equally selfish. But still.)

Upcoming

I met the surgeon Friday. He ran way behind schedule, but he was collaborative and kind. My surgery is scheduled for this Friday, the 11th. I was told to find a front closure support bra that I will wear home from the surgery, which is an outpatient procedure. They will use wire localization to find the titanium piece left from the last biopsy, and then will remove tissue around that the size of a large marble. It may take 90 minutes for this, because they need to x-ray the tissue to see if they’ve gotten enough margin around the chip. If not, they’ll remove more before closing me up.

The follow up visit is set for March 18, and he told me his practice is NOT to give pathology results via phone. But he assured me that there was a 90% chance no cancer would be detected. (Though there had been an 80% chance the stereotactic biopsy wasn’t going to show a problem, but I wasn’t in that group.) He said after we get results, regardless of what they are, I should consult with an oncologist to discuss how to determine my risk and options to reduce it. He also recommended that I talk to a genetic counselor, at least to find out whether it might behoove me to get tested.

I might very well do so. My mother is a breast cancer survivor. Her mother, however, died of breast cancer when she was in her early 50s. And her mother, who lived to her 80s, had breast cancer and ovarian cancer. In fact, I think it was ovarian cancer she died of. I had dismissed my great-grandmother, because one doctor told me years ago that it’s inevitable to die of something when you get old enough, and it wasn’t indicative of a heritable condition. In light of my situation though, I’m now thinking perhaps it is. Three generations of breast cancer — regardless of the age it developed — surely has some significance, at least to me personally.

One of my sisters is worried that if I get the test done and turn out to have a mutation, that this will cause me problems getting insurance coverage later on, if I should change carriers. Fortunately, the Genetic Information Nondiscrimination Act of 2008 (GINA) was passed, which makes it illegal for health insurers and employers to discriminate on the basis of DNA information. You cannot be denied medical coverage based on DNA results. The insurance company may require additional intervention because of it (such as more frequent screenings), but it is not a pre-existing condition. Having a gene mutation does not guarantee an illness will result. So, no worries, sis!

Today

Today I have my surgical consultation for the discovery of atypical ductal hyperplasia. I’ve been waiting two weeks for this to discuss and schedule it. Up until today I’ve carried on normally, but today I’m as tense as an overstretched rubber band.

I haven’t got more to share, although I do have another letter. Claire continues to practice cutting and was able to cut some of the triangles with assistance. I now present the letter t: tools and triangles!

tools and triangles