Category Archives: Humor

Ah, California

You know you are in California when:

Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
You’ve been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
A low speed pursuit will interrupt any TV broadcast.
Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t even notice.
A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don’t even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney is George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
The gym is packed at 3 p.m. On a work day.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
It’s sprinkling and there’s a report on every news station about “Storm Watch 09”.
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 Tae Bo class.
Your paperboy has a two-picture deal.
The three-hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn’t caused by a horrific nine-car freeway pileup, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe lying on the shoulder.
The weatherman talks about the weather in other parts of the country, as if we really care.
You pass an elementary school and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
It’s sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour or two early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
You and your dog have therapists.

The Latest

I haven’t made much effort to write here. Haven’t had much energy when I’ve been granted a little time. I have, however, lost 9 pounds since my surgery last month and am getting stronger every day. The past week Bean has battled a cold and a reaction to vaccinations, so we’ve been lying low. She had her 18-month doctor visit on the 10th (one month late) and weighed in at 21 pounds, 3 ounces and measured 31 inches tall. A friend calls her a Holly Hobbie child. She is petite, but oh so energetic and talkative!

I’m also thinking about the future of writing on this blog, particularly about Bean. There will come an age where details about her may be later perceived by her as an intrusion on her privacy. So I am considering other ways to keep people apprised, such as an email newsletter to people I really consider friends and family (certain readers here among them). However, since I’m still in the pondering stage, let me share more about Bean:

She has lately become obsessed about smelling flowers. She wants to sniff them wherever we go — real and fake ones, in the grocery store, in parks, on walks, in the yards of houses we visit with the realtor. The other day she sniffed a daffodil that apparently had no scent and said, “Nothing happened!” after. I’m not sure if she understands that not all flowers smell, because she always says “Ahhh!” after sniffing.
Bean is likewise obsessed with belly buttons. She commands me to “draw a belly button” on anything I draw in her sketch book: flowers, people, butterflies, you name it and she wants a belly button on it.
She likes to point to butterflies and say, “Butterflies flutter by!”
Lately Bean has demonstrated consoling behavior to her stuffed animals. Her current favorite lovey, Brown Doggie, goes many places with her. Sometimes she hugs him and says, “It’s okay.” She also asks if someone coughs “You okay?” This is because sometimes if she swallows wrong and gags and coughs a bit, I am alert (watching out for choking) and ask her if she’s okay.
The other day as she was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, she announced, “I’m busy!” with a big smile.
As I wrote a check to the babysitter, she wanted to grab the pen. I said no, that I was writing a check with it. A little later as I cooked, she sat on the kitchen floor with crayons and a blank book, scribbling. Then she said to no one in particular, “I’m writing a check.”
Yesterday for lunch she asked for cute cumbers.

Lastly, I have two tattoos, one of which is a highly stylized “Om” symbol (pictured below). Bean loves to look at them both (the other is a Celtic knot). Last week as she pondered the Om, she said that it was a man riding a bicycle. What an imagination this child has!

But If You Don’t Do It…

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

–Phyllis Diller

It’s a Sisyphean task, but someone’s gotta do it.

Changing My (Diaper) Bag

Sometimes what’s needed is a small change. For 18 months I lugged around the huge black diaper bag, and in the first year it served well, because I carried a lot of stuff around for Bean (and it became my purse too). I never left the house with Bean without also bring the black bag. It held diapers, wipes, blankets, snacks, bottles, sippy cups, extra clothes for Bean, my wallet and cell phone, tampons, a pen and notepad, diaper changing pad, and antibacterial wipes.

Lately I need less and less stuff for Bean. And frankly, I’ve gotten much less concerned about things like carrying a diaper changing pad or the entire contents of my refrigerator. Most places have changing stations and disinfecting wipes can clean off the surfaces just as well. As for food, she’s able to get by on crackers and fruit if she needs a snack while we’re out, and since she has almost all her teeth now, she can eat regular food with the best of us.

So when I was out this evening running errands (which is what often sadly qualifies as “me time”), I happened to wander down an aisle at Walgreens and saw small tote bags. One was all pink and girly, another was black with pink lips all over it, and then there was the cute little ladybug bag. It was $5.99, and on a whim I bought it. Someday, when I’m done using it as a diaper bag I will — if it is still in one piece — use it to tote knitting projects around. For now, it’s much lighter and smaller and yet still carries the essentials. But really, the main thing is that it cheers me, and I feel less like a ox with a yoke.

Husband used to carry the diaper bag, but you can bet that won’t be happening now! It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

Too Popular

I have a full life and a full lap! I was trying to knit, but somehow it’s a little difficult to do that when you’re wearing fur and little people. Lots more photos and videos up on Flickr for family and friends to see.

Beebo!

So Sweet

Yesterday I was that mother at our local Walgreens. You know, the one with the screaming, wriggling child. Going out with Bean now requires a kind of judgment I’m not accustomed to using. I needed two things, and it was the end of the day; we were antsy, bored, and a little tired of each other. I didn’t use the cart or stroller, and I had her hold my hand. Until yesterday, she was a model citizen when it came to holding a parent’s hand in the store. However, in the “Valentine clearance aisle” she was thrilled by all the plush toys, and I allowed her free range to pet doggies! and bears! and other nondescript fuzzy things. This was well and good until I wanted to check out. She did not want to leave and refused to take my hand.

So I thought I’d give her a minute to wander a little with me next to her, but of course a child moves quickly. She managed to step in the path of a customer who had to pirouette to miss her. I’m sure he was vexed as I have been with other kids and their parents. So my first point of judgment is: When do you allow your child a little freedom in a store? How much of a right does she have to move about, and when does this freedom impinge on other shoppers?

Alas, my tactic didn’t really work. She wasn’t interested in taking my hand at all, so I picked her up. This resulted in loud protests of Down! Down! Down! as we waited in line. I tried gently shushing her, singing to her, pointing out things. There was a customer in front of me and several behind me. The customer’s transaction was taking time, but I was next in line. They opened another register over in cosmetics, and rather than wait I did as the cashier bid and left the line with my screaming child — only to arrive at the other register to see two other customers there. So our transaction took much longer than it would have had I just stayed put.

While I was being rung up with Bean howling in my arms, a customer entered the store, exclaimed “Wow!” and shot a dirty look at me. I joshed with the cashier about treating him to a concert and apologized, and he said no need to apologize. When we were done I put Bean down and took her hand to leave. She calmed down immediately. I’m sure there will come a day when a stern word about public behavior will be required, but she is at an age where she gets lost in her emotion, and she doesn’t understand the rationale for polite behavior yet anyway.

I’m going to need to get a thicker skin and hone my sense of humor for daily life in public.

But Bean is not all about tantrums, and she does understand politeness to a degree. If you say thank you to her, she’ll often say “Welcome!” She says thanks a lot of times. And when she comes up and demands, “Read!” she will nicely say “Please” if asked to. The other day I asked her her she wanted a snack and she said, “Yes, please.”

Bean also observes Mommy being busy; and most of the time when I leave her for a moment (e.g., in her high chair while I go into the kitchen to bet more food) I say, “I’ll be right back.” The other day she spent the morning running back and forth from the living room to the kitchen; each time she left the living room she’d say, “Busy, ri’ back!”

She also does other cute things, such as pick up a plush toy (like her bear) and hug it, saying, “So sweet! So sweet!” as she walks around. When she says something that sounds like “All done-o, all done-o,” she is requesting we sing the “Old MacDonald” song. And lately she has started to say, “Twinkle twinkle” and “in the sky” as her participation in singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Why Clean?

more music charts

Words Words Words

Here are some things you would hear from Bean if you visited:

I did it!
Oops, I drop it.
I cooking.
I tooted. (passed gas; this is always followed by a giggle)
Mommy busy.
Daddy home!
I helping Mommy!
Mommy potty.
Kiss-es
Huuuuuug
I wuv oo.
Word! (meaning spell a word with my letter blocks)
Ah-coo-me. (“Excuse me”, which she says after she burps or coughs)
Anks. (“Thanks,” said without prompting sometimes)
Pwease. (“Please,” said with prompting)
Up! (always, always wants to be up to see what’s going on)

When you ask, “What’s your name?” She says “Bean!” (She can almost get the phoneme correct.) And to “How old are you?” she responds, “One!”

Bean is the kissing-est child I’ve ever known. She also pats things to show affection. I have seen her kiss and pat pictures of trucks in her books, as well as pictures of many animals (including spiders), her Little People toys, blocks, puzzle pieces, and of course her menagerie of stuffed animals. Yesterday she made me laugh when she kissed and patted a cracker she was eating. What a little character — or rather, a big character in a little body!

My Little Ham

It’s been a rough weekend. Bean has manifested some loud and distressing screaming sessions. She sounds like Katherine Turner, Demi Moore, or Marlon Brando (take your pick). Her doctor says there’s a lot of illness focused on the throat that turns into a croup-like cough. She’s tired and pale too. This evening her sweetness returned for awhile. I hope she gets better soon. She behaved like a little martinet all weekend, including today. I wondered if it’s the beginning of terrible toddler tempers, but the doctor thinks it’s just pain and feeling poorly.

Here are some photos I took a couple weeks ago. Bean recently has discovered frowning and likes to do it, but she knows she is being funny and has a hard time keeping a serious face.

Soup For Dinner

We were so busy today. Bean loves to “cook soup” and pretend to eat off the spoon. I take sips from the spoon too. She then feeds her stuffed animals. Every time she has a taste she says, “mmMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmm!” She looks so proud of herself when she stirs. This afternoon she plunked herself in the pot, and I had the presence of mind to grab the camera.

P.S. I opted for the nap — got 50 minutes of a light doze. There are still walnuts with my name written on them, and they will soon find their way down my gullet.