Category Archives: Humanities

I Am

My collage gift arrived and was happily received. So here’s a photo.

the mother i am

The Mother I Am

Now, my mother laid the foundation at the beginning, and I’ve written a tribute to her. Here it is again if you’d like to read it. The thousands of interactions that make up a childhood formed the core of the mother I am. However, there is something also about finding the companionship of a contemporary, someone who is just a little ahead of you or is going through the experience at the same time, that provides a different kind of strength.

In 2006 Karen Miller sent me a copy of her book, Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood. Once I received it, I tucked it on the bookshelf. At the time I wasn’t sure I’d ever get pregnant successfully and was indeed wondering if I really wanted to try anymore. Then I got pregnant with Claire and read the book. I have not put it down for very long since.

Momma Zen is a treasure of meditations on motherhood. That sounds high-falutin’, doesn’t it? It’s really more like having a good friend talk quietly to you about all the things that come along with the baby: the upheaval of one’s life, the worries, the desire to protect your child while knowing absolute safety is impossible, the lack of sleep, the temptation to assert our ego hoping to control things. I’m not doing justice to the wisdom this book contains. Just know that I value it so highly (and Karen as well) that I give a copy to every friend who is a mother or about to become a mother. Karen and I have written privately as well, and she has talked me off a few cliffs of fear (my own concoctions). I don’t know that I’d have fared as well during the first few months of Claire’s life if Karen hadn’t been there, both in book form, on her blog, via email and the phone.

If I had more energy and time, I would have crafted a review that conveys just how essential this book is. But that luxury isn’t mine these days, so I’ll trust that you’ll check out the book yourself, as well as Karen’s blog, Cheerio Road.

123 Meme

This meme has been making the rounds. I’m not certain how I feel about the relevance of posting three sentences from a nearby book (and skipping the five preceding sentences), but what the heck.

I’ve been tagged by The Friendly Humanist for a new blog meme. Here are the rules:

  1. Pick up the book nearest you with at least 123 pages. (No cheating!)
  2. Turn to page 123.
  3. Count the first five sentences.
  4. Post the next three sentences.
  5. Tag five other bloggers.

The book nearest me with at least 123 pages is a book I’ve had in queue for at least 10 years. I pulled it off the shelf the other day to think about reading it (so little time, so many books). Here are the sentences:

R’tu enabled the sisterly cooperation and dietary control women needed to successfully bear larger-brained babies. R’tu braided the mental, physical, and spiritual together in ever-expanding spirals of cultural expression. We thus led ourselves along the course of our evolution by enacting consciousness.

This begs the question: What is R’tu?

It’s a Sanskrit word. If Wikipedia is correct, it means:

Ritu (?tú) in Vedic Sanskrit refers to a fixed or appointed time, especially the proper time for sacrifice (yajna) or ritual in Vedic Religion. The word is so used in the Rigveda, the Yajurveda and the Atharvaveda. In Classical Sanskrit, it refers to an epoch or period, especially one of the six seasons of the year, Vasanta “spring”, Grishma “the hot season”, Varsha “the rainy season”, Sharad “autumn”, Hemant “winter”; and Shishir “the cool season”, or the menstrual cycle.

This link doesn’t define it, but it gives a sense of the concept’s importance in Sanskrit literature.

The book I used for the meme is Blood, Bread, and Roses: How Menstruation Created the World. Here is how the author defines the term.

Ritual, fromt Sanskrit r’tu, is any act of magic toward a purpose. Rita, means a proper course. Ri, meaning birth, is the root of red, pronounced “reed” in Old English and still in some modern English accents (New Zealand). R’tu means menstrual, suggesting that ritual began as menstrual acts. The root of r’tu is in “arithmetic” and “rhythm”; I hear it also in “art,” “theater,” and perhaps in “root” as well. The Sanskrit term is still alive in India, where goddess worship continues to keep r’tu alive in its menstrual senses; r’tu also refers to special acts of heterosexual intercourse immediately following menstruation, and also to specific time of year.

This should be an interesting book. The author, Judy Grahn, is an American poet, was a member of the Gay Women’s Liberation Group, helped establish The Women’s Press Collective in 1969, and is co-director of the Women’s Spirituality MA program and Program Director of the MFA in Creative Inquiry at the New College of California.

As for tagging others, I’m copping out on this one. I barely have the energy to finish this post, and I’d like to eat dinner. Besides, I don’t want to wear out my welcome with friends and recently tagged five people for another meme. If you want to play along, feel free, and leave a comment.

I’ve Been Reading

Being There: The Benefits of a Stay-At-Home Parent
This short book discusses the issues of attachment disorder and behavioral problems that may arise from inconsistent care-giving provided in day care centers and by nannies at home. Its purpose is to provide a rationale for having one SAHP (stay-at-home parent) care for the child until at least 2-3 years of age, when the child is no longer in the pre-verbal stage. The book does provide supporting information from studies and reports as well as case studies. It also has a section providing financial ideas and solutions to help families make it feasible. It is definitely not a “feel-good” book. The author clearly states she is not against day care, just that most day care has so much staff turnover and that the frequent change of caregivers (even nannies) is damaging to infants. It’s a compelling book. If I needed reinforcement for my decision to stay home, this book is it.

Hot Flashes Warm Bottles: First-Time Mothers Over Forty
This book had once been on my wish list, and I’m so glad I borrowed it from the library instead. The basic thrust of the book is that women over 40 who have children face competing needs: those of their child versus their own “need” to assess their life purpose and explore themselves in solitude. It also focuses on how motherhood makes women feel frumpy and asexual, and how women over 40 become “invisible” in our culture; so it’s supposedly a double-whammy. Oh, and that women over 40 don’t have as much energy to give to their children because their bodies are aging. And that women over 40 have to deal with caring for aging parents as well as children. Well. My view on this is that a woman over 40 doesn’t typically become pregnant by accident for the first time; it’s often a conscious choice and frequently the result of expensive, painful fertility treatment. Women over 40 who never had a child before have had decades to find themselves, and by having a child they enter into a relationship where they understand they are trading solitude and autonomy for the joys and challenges of nurturing a human being. If you want time to still explore yourself in the second half of your life, then remain childless. As for grieving the loss of being the focus of wolf whistles and men’s appraising glances, this is something I don’t relate to, since being a sex object wasn’t important to me before, either. I’m not saying this is a bad book; it simply didn’t tell me anything new or interesting.

Motherhood Without Guilt: Being the Best Mother You Can Be and Feeling Great About It
A book full of questions submitted by mothers. This book might be helpful to women who are much younger and/or less insightful about who they are and what they want in life. Again, not a bad book, but one that covered issues I’ve either resolved or am aware I’ll need to contend with at some point, such as: You don’t have to be a good housekeeper or cook to be a good mom and taking care of yourself can be good for your whole family.
If you need validation or permission for being human and a mother (and who doesn’t now and then?), this book might be useful.

The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life
Of all the books, this one contained anecdotes that resonated. I still skimmed most of it, because it again told me nothing new. However, Lerner is a psychologist and pretty transparent when sharing her own experiences; she’s capable of a humility that drew me in. And the following did capture my attention:

Maybe love is the word we should be unraveling. I don’t believe in “unconditional love,” as it is conventionally prescribed for mothers like so much sentimental pap. Only highly evolved Zen Buddhists look at their difficult, out-of-control children and feel nothing but immense respect, openness, curiosity, and interest as to why the Universe has brought these small persons into their lives and what they are here to teach them. To achieve the transcendent state of unconditional love, it is best to have a cat, although even here you may discover your limits.

–Harriet Lerner

I suspect the Zen Buddhist mother I know would say that it is not achieving transcendence but rather the moment-by-moment process that matters, and that even Zen Buddhist mothers can feel frazzled and angry at times. However, I do like how Lerner summed up the question of whether children are worth the effort:

Children are never easy, so don’t bring them into the world or adopt them to bolster your happiness. And don’t have them if your life’s purpose is to dwell in complete stillness, serenity, and simplicity; or if you have a great dread of being interrupted; or if you are on a particular life path that demands your full attention and devotion. Also keep in mind that children are not a “solution.” As Anne Lamott reminds us, there is no problem for which children are the solution.

To opt for kids is to opt for chaos, complexity, turbulence, and truth. Kids will make you love them in a way you never thought possible. They will also confront you with all the painful and unsavory emotions that humans put so much energy into trying to avoid. Children will teach you about yourself and about what it’s like not to be up to the demands of the most important responsibility you’ll ever have. They’ll teach you that you are capable of deep compassion, and also that you are definitely not the nice, calm, competent, clear-thinking, highly evolved person you fancied yourself to be before you became a mother.

Your children will call on you to grow up. You will have the opportunity to achieve a more complex and textured view of your own mother. Your marriage, if it lasts, will be both deepened and strained. And whether you stay married or get divorced, the stakes are so much higher for how you navigate your part in the relationship with your child’s father.

…I also think that kids are the best teachers of life’s most profound spiritual lessons: that pain and suffering are as much a part of life as happiness and joy; that change and impermanence are all we can count on for sure; that we don’t really run the show; and that if we can’t find the maturity to surrender to these difficult truths, we’ll always be unhappy that our lives — and our children’s — aren’t turning out the way we expected or planned.

–Harriet Lerner

Hear, hear, sister!

Merry Krismas!

Yes, that’s the term. As a non-Christian I am aware that much of the mythology I cherish about Christmas isn’t the religious aspect. My focus is on the light, feasting, generosity, and goodwill. Well, there’s a movement afoot for those of us who celebrate this time of year but without the religion: Krismas!

From the website one of the founders, Jacob Walker, explains:

Krismas is a secular holiday that celebrates the myth of Kris Kringle, commonly known as Santa Claus. It happens on December 25th of each year, and is also closely associated with Krismas Eve which occurs December 24th. Krismas is part of the “12 Days of Secular Celebration.”

Krismas is about celebrating most of the modern mythologies surrounding Christmas, except for the mythology of the birth of Jesus as a savior.

Krismas is about giving gifts, especially those “from the heart”; it is about the magic of childhood; it is about peace on earth; and it is about goodwill towards humankind, and anything else you wish it to mean that does not involve the Jesus as a savior bit.

I loved Christmas growing up. I treasure those memories. I treasure the mythology of Santa Claus, Rudolph, Elves, etc. I treasure the idea of giving gifts, the beauty of Christmas lights and the smell of Christmas trees. This is what Christmas was about to me. These are the secular mythologies and symbols that we have made Christmas about.

Read another page about Krismas.

[I thank Dale for posting about this and wish him a hearty Merry Krismas!]

Christmas Comes Early

Our household has a new digital camera (though technically it’s Husband’s gift to me this year, since I use it 99% of the time). It’s a Canon Powershot A720 IS. I haven’t had time to play with it much yet, but so far I like it!

On a different topic, while I am not a believer in Christianity, I was raised in that tradition and have read much of the bible. Many readers here know I’m fond of LOLcat humor. Well, an effort is underway to translate the bible into LOLcat. It’s humorous reading, and not necessarily disrespectful to the religion. If you don’t know what LOLcat is, visit here first. I thank my brother for sending the LOLcat bible link.

Is Christmas really only one week away?

Backtracking

We think the formula change from hypo-allergenic to normal isn’t working. She’s been increasingly fussy the past few days. It could also be that she’s not getting enough day sleep, and Grandma is here, and the world is full of lights, and she’s just growing. But we’re switching back, for the sake of her comfort and my sanity. Husband isn’t convinced, but who’s alone with her (usually) all day long?

Meanwhile, for your paradigm-busting pleasure, and for info junkies, saunter on over to the blog Strange Maps. I’ve not dared do this yet, as I have a child to care for and she’ll starve if I do. 😉

[Thanks (I think) to Dale for the lead to the link.]

Wish List For Christmahanakwanzayule

For Christmahanakwanzayule, I want:

  • to be freed of fear;
  • to be freed of limitation;
  • to be freed of doubt;
  • to be freed of denial;
  • to be freed of loneliness;
  • to be freed of anger;
  • to be freed of pain;
  • to be freed of suffering;

in other words, not to be bound by my ego anymore. And:

  • I want to take the love that comes my way, even if it comes from people I don’t relate to very well, whose values and choices I cannot fathom and don’t agree with.

I don’t think Santa can deliver these. They are gifts only I can give myself.

Failing that, I would like a massage and a new digital camera.

Rising

My friend, Patry Francis, whose first novel was published last year, has been dealt a challenge by life. She’s rising admirably to the occasion. My heart goes to her.

Three weeks ago I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. Then the news got worse: a cat scan revealed spots on my liver, a possible metastasis. …So how does a lifelong neurotic and avowed hypochondriac deal with that kind of news?

Read more and be inspired here.