Category Archives: Education

Lazy But Not

On this gray, dreary day, Husband and I still have our sweats and jammies on, and it’s nearly 3:30 in the afternoon. Our intention had been to finish unpacking the last of the boxes and to hang art work, but he got involved in a novel, and I dedicated myself to knitting new dish cloths (now my hands ache from working with inflexible cotton). I made beef stew yesterday, so we’ve no need to make effort in the kitchen. And there is still tomorrow to accomplish our tasks.

As I knitted, I was entertained (and educated) by some NPR programs. First is the always informative, witty, and downright funny Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me! which featured among its guests P.J. O’Rourke. I’m pretty well-informed this week, because I got all the answers right. The guest for the “It’s Not My Job” segment was Neil DeGrasse Tyson, an astrophysicist whose Nova shows I avidly watch. “Not My Job” is when an expert is asked questions completely out of his field, and if he wins, a selected listener gets a prize; in this case, his quiz focused on the upcoming Guns ‘n’ Roses album. He was consistent in that he got all three questions wrong, and therefore did not win the prize for the chosen listener. He was really funny and good-natured about his pop culture ignorance. (What’s amazing to me is that I got all three questions correct, even though I know next to nothing about the band.)

Next I heard This American Life with Ira Glass, and the topic was “In the Shadow of the City.” The three stories were about events and life that happen in desolate places in urban areas.

Following that show was a locally produced show, Health Dialogues. This week’s show focused on birth, and here’s the blurb:

The infant mortality rate is down, the number of premature births is up and the average age of new moms in California is at an all-time high. What are the ethical implications of pre-natal testing and concerns about Caesarean deliveries? How are changing demographics, attitudes and science affecting the birth process?

I found it interesting in general, but I was disappointed there wasn’t any time focused on the ethical concerns about pre-natal testing. If you want to hear the show (it’s one hour), click here.

And lastly I heard a fascinating piece from American Radioworks about the work Justice Thurgood Marshall did before being appointed to the United States Supreme Court. Prior to Martin Luther King, Jr., Marshall was known as “Mr. Civil Rights,” as he worked tirelessly for many years to end segregation, particularly in public schools. I had not known he was the lead counsel for the landmark case, Brown vs. Board of Education. The documentary included tape recordings of speeches he gave, interviews with people who worked with him, and commentary from people living in the south who opposed desegregation. One dismaying point made: while there are no longer any laws promoting racial segregation in schools, it continues to exist. If you want to read about this, I recommend The Shame of the Nation: The Restoration of Apartheid Schooling in America, by Jonathan Kozol. It’s a heavy, even discouraging read, but as a taxpayer and citizen, one that is important.

I’m about the press the “publish” button and see it’s just about 4:00 p.m. It’s been a lovely, quiet Saturday. I hope yours has been as well.

How Else?

Creative people, take heart. Restrain your self-pity. You don’t have a choice. How else would you live? If you could conform, you already would have. Keep your eyes glistening and your intelligence white-hot (as Rumi advises). Nurture yourself with relations with like minded people, beware the impulse for self-medication, cultivate elders who have cut trail in front of you, mentor those coming behind you, and grow what the Mohawks call “seven thicknesses of skin” because you are going to need it. This is the way it has always been.

–Anonymous, from a letter to Cary Tennis at Salon

Thanks to Kate for pointing this out.

The Illusion of Control

A bevy of experiments in recent years suggest that the conscious mind is like a monkey riding a tiger of subconscious decisions and actions in progress, frantically making up stories about being in control.

As a result, physicists, neuroscientists and computer scientists have joined the heirs of Plato and Aristotle in arguing about what free will is, whether we have it, and if not, why we ever thought we did in the first place.

–Dennis Overbye, Free Will: Now You Have It, Now You Don’t

Fascinating article. Engage your eyeballs and invest your brain; it’s worth it.

Homework

The doctor visit brought sobering news. It’s time to see a fertility specialist. I’m angry with the doctor. Last July when I miscarried his response was, “Oh, a lot of women miscarry. You’re lucky you got pregnant at your age. Go home and keep trying.” At my second miscarriage I was concerned and asked if there were tests to be done, but we talked only on the phone and he didn’t seem to think a second miscarriage was a big deal (lots of women have a couple and then successfully conceive). This recent meeting he was blunt, and he said that I was getting to the point of no return (in so many words), and that each year I’m decreasing my chances of having my own child by half. If we want to have a child, we must seek treatment yesterday. When I mentioned his advice from last year, he explained that he felt bad about that, but that it didn’t feel right to tell a woman who just lost a pregnancy, “OH by the way, you’re old too.” But if he had addressed it, we would have acted much sooner. The thing is, the doctor didn’t even remember he ORDERED the FSH test, which I took October 3. He began to explain I could get the test done, and I pointed out it had been, and he looked and said, “Oh, so it was. There are the results.” I know he’s a busy man, but he could have freaking LOOKED at my record to prepare for our visit. My FSH is 10.6, and it should be around 7 or 8. FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) is what tells the ovary to release another egg. The higher it is, the more this means that my body needs a “louder” prompt to get an egg out.

I’ll be getting some counseling over the next few weeks to work through some of this. I’ll also receive EMDR treatment so that the trauma of my pregnancy losses don’t weigh as heavily. The EMDR will also focus on releasing a deeply held negative belief about myself that I have struggled with for years and have worked through to some degree. Only now it’s arising again. I’m open to the concept of EMDR; there seems to be reasonable clinical proof of its efficacy. The bottom line is I want to be a mother more than I realized, and yet I am nearly paralyzed with fear of allowing myself to feel my desire, because I am terrified that I will not survive the disappointment if my efforts to become a parent fail.

We are reading books too:

We have a lot of research and thinking to do, and some major decisions ahead of us. We’ll be seeing a specialist as soon as possible, and that’s probably all there will be to share for some time.
****

Meanwhile, I started training today to become an adult literacy tutor. My text (which looks yummy) is LITSTART: Strategies for Adult Literacy and ESL Tutors. The trainers are delightful and this highly motivated group made for interesting discussion for the six-hour first session. I’ll attend the second session next Saturday. I also trained on Friday to become a library ambassador for the San Jose Public Library. This will involve my attending parent open houses at elementary schools to inform parents about their local library branch and the services offered (such as homework help). In November I’ll begin assisting with the Even Start program in Santa Clara; I’ll work with ESL students to practice speaking using role-playing techniques, so they can function more confidently in the world (at the store, doctor’s office, etc.).

When I’m not reading and doing the above, I’ve been knitting a lot. I made my sister-in-law a tea cozy. I’m working on a Snuggles blanket for the shelter. I made a baby hat. And I’m working on a healing shawl for a friend recently diagnosed with breast cancer. The shawl is the priority right now. I also bought Knitting for Peace: Make the World a Better Place One Stitch at a Time, as it has good, basic patterns, and I like the concept of supporting peace (proceeds go to charity). There are lots of ways to knit for charity; this book presents some (along with their histories).
****

Work has been a bit less hectic now that HOBA Day is over. I’m winding down my tasks, preparing to transfer them to my successors. My last day is November 3rd. I feel a little sad about this. At the same time, I’m jazzed about the clarity and focus I feel regarding literacy work. I’ve also got plans to do some baking. I love to bake but certainly don’t need the cookies around the house. Fortunately for me, my friends recently opened Purlescence Yarns, and they’d love to offer my treats to customers. It works well for all of us. I’ll be seeing some friends, knitting, making art, reading, volunteering, and relaxing. Somewhere in there I expect I’ll be seeing doctors fairly often. I have no doubt that I will fill my time.

Tomorrow we will go hiking at Muir Woods with friends. It should be a gorgeous day trip, and I’m looking forward to it!

Awesome Tool

If you love to read, and if you love not having to spend money to read books, then visit WorldCat Beta. It’s the world’s largest library network. If you search for a book, it will tell you what libraries near you have it. This saves the effort of having to look in each library’s online catalog. You click on the book in the WorldCat list and it takes you directly to the library’s online catalog. This works for music, videos, and articles as well. The entire world of books is at your fingertips.

No Moss Gathering On Me

Oh my goodness, I am a woman in motion. In a previous post I mentioned possible volunteer jobs I wanted to look into and getting more involved at the UU church in Palo Alto.

UUCPA has a talent/volunteer survey on their site one can download and complete. It’s a way to explore how to become involved and find a niche or two in the community. I’ve had it a long time; Sunday I filled it out and emailed it to the office administrator. I received a reply acknowledging this and that one of the ministers would get in touch next week to meet with me. I also received an invitation to lunch after the next service. At first I hesitated, but I decided it wouldn’t kill me to commit to one lunch. (I’m very possessive of my weekend time, especially Sundays, for some reason.) I also decided to attend a potluck dinner this Saturday evening, put on by the members of the Humanist Roots group. They have dinner monthly, and there’s a topic for discussion. I’ll bake cookies and go with a curious mind.

Yesterday I contacted the Read Santa Clara program and learned I’m just in time to attend an orientation on the 16th and join the training program later in the month to become a literacy tutor with adults. I’ll also visit them tomorrow to discuss another program they are developing, the Even Start conversation group program. This will involve facilitating speaking practice with adults learning English who are at a very basic level. And lastly, I’ve contacted the San Jose library and sent an application in to become a reader for kids. I’m playing phone tag with them, and one message indicated there will be a training later in the month. I’m hoping it will mesh with my schedule. (It occurred to me that my mother became a literacy tutor around the age I am now; I remember it was a rewarding relationship of several years with her student, an older woman. I think she was Italian? She used to send us cookies at Christmas.)

The new AmeriCorps members began work today, and it really feels like the days are winding down there. It’s been an intense and sometimes difficult year. I haven’t written about the difficulties, because a blog is not the place to vent about work, but it’s not been all wine and roses (and I’m not referring to the killer schedule). Overall, though, it’s been an excellent experience.

My father emailed me with an idea for possible future work. He pointed out the needs of an aging generation that, as he said, “will set new numbers never before reached in the U.S.” He suggested these folks will need guidance on health and finances and how not to get ripped off by scams. They also need an education on growing old with grace and independence, and how to avoid being warehoused in a facility if they want to remain at home. I’ve considered this trend in the past, and it’s a timely suggestion. There is significant potential for advocacy work as the population ages. I can see the need for education, enlightening people on the process of aging, and fighting ageism. I wonder if I might create some type of coaching practice to provide service for these needs. Hmmm.

Thoughts On the Moment and Declarations of Purpose

Comfort: coming home after dark and settling onto the couch to the feel of warmth that was created by sleeping cats.

Anticipation: wandering through the library book stacks knowing that every single one is mine to borrow and read, thousands and thousands of potential journeys.

Joy: singing silly songs, telling puns, and generally being weird with Husband in a way that only he is privileged to know, and making him laugh.

***

Night arrives fully by 7:00 p.m. these days. Dawn is gray and cool, sometimes foggy here in the South Bay. We’ve turned the corner of a season. This change is gradual, but there is always one day in each season that the realization is palpable and prominent to me.

***

In the next week or so I’ll get a blood test that will assess my hormone levels (FSH, Estradiol). On October 18 we’ll visit the doctor to discuss whatever the results are. What we decide to do will be based on this and further conversations between us, so there’s no more to say on that topic at the moment.

I’ve been feeling sad about my imminent departure from the agency. Three of my four fellow AmeriCorps are renewing, and four new AmeriCorps have been hired (the team increased from five to seven). Soon I will be training my replacement and letting go of my tasks and duties. I’ll cherish the relaxation that follows, but I’m also anxious about becoming bored and lonely. Without a schedule or purpose, without being required by someone somewhere, I tend to get lost in my head. The more alone I am the more unsocial I feel as well as lonely, and then my lethargy increases. This is not the life I want.

I recently had an epiphany about my direction after the service term ends October 31. You see, all my life I’ve felt plagued by the fact that I’m interested in so much and want to advance so many causes. It really has made it difficult for me to define and articulate what I want to do and to search for work. And there were many times that I took work I didn’t want because I just needed an income. Eventually I clarified my goals and became a psychotherapist, but the move to California required sacrificing this.

My year at Hands On Bay Area has given me connections, and it also created my little epiphany, which is this:

The overarching theme throughout my life, the one thread of interest woven through the years, is a devotion to formal and informal education – primarily reading, writing, and soaking up knowledge. The causes I donate the most money to are literacy and libraries. I’m a seeker and an information hound. I am pained to know that so many people do not find pleasure in reading. The average adult native English speaker reads at the sixth grade level. Non-native English speakers average at the fourth grade level. While these next words may seem extreme (it’s an indicator of the passion I feel), I would dare to say that learning – in all its facets, with all it entails – is the most important human pursuit after survival needs are met (note: I consider affectional bonds part of survival). I want my next phase employment to be in the education sector. (My Dad would be proud.)

Even as stated, this is still a broad canvas. It could mean a job in a government education office creating policy, work in a social service agency providing job search or computer training, being a teacher’s aid in an elementary school, working for a public library. But the bottom line, for me, is that I want to devote my efforts to igniting curiosity, promoting creative and critical thinking, and helping people to acquire that most essential key to success, literacy. If I’m lucky, I’ll inspire a passion for reading as well. As I ponder this more, I feel I will want to work in direct service rather than administration. I don’t want to become a school teacher, which requires yet more costly education. There are other ways to promote the life of the mind, and I intend to find them.

As much as my kids tested me to the limit when I worked as an education coach in an after school program, I adored them too. As a treat I read aloud The Phantom Tollbooth (and gave each student a copy as a reward for trying). Whenever I finished a chapter, I was bathed in a chorus of, “Read more, teacher! Please read us some more!” It made me happy to give this pleasure, and I felt sad knowing how uncommon an experience this was for them.

How does this coincide with the efforts to start a family? Well, at the very least I can explore volunteering at several non-profits. So far what has caught my attention are a read-to-children volunteer program at San Jose Public Library, and conversation ESL group work through the Santa Clara City Library. I may also become a literacy tutor. Lastly, Hands On Bay Area offers several projects that contribute to literacy: ESL conversation, organizing a children’s library, story hour with kids at a library. There’s a way to keep my hand in the game. Out of this, perhaps a job will arise. Meanwhile we’ll keep exploring the fertility/family planning issues.

Here’s another way I can keep myself engaged with life. I recently attended service at the Palo Alto UU Church and liked it. I’ve been on their community mailing list for over a year. When the call came to help by baking cookies for The Opportunity Center, I eagerly answered. There are many needs that I could assist with in the church. They also don’t have a program that I would be interested in developing (offered at other churches) – a lay listening ministry. Also (but wait, there’s more!), one of the adult religious education classes starting soon caught my attention, and I decided to register*. I feel ready to delve into this community.

*Class description follows: Continue reading →

A Book That

changed my life?

The Wisdom of No Escape: And the Path of Loving Kindness by Pema Chodron

I’ve read more than once?

Mrs. Stevens Hears the Mermaids Singing by May Sarton
The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster
The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff

I’d want on a desert island?

The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Desert Island (though I don’t think it’s been written yet)

made me laugh?

A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal, by Christopher Moore

made me cry?

Charlotte’s Web by E. B White

I wish had been written?

Since I don’t know all that’s been written, how do I know what hasn’t been written?

I wish had never been written?

One that I just finished reading: A Round-Heeled Woman: My Late-Life Adventures in Sex and Romance by Jane Juska

I’m currently reading?

I am about to start The Onion Girl by Charles de Lindt and
The Shame of the Nation: The Restoration of Apartheid Schooling in America by Jonathan Kozol

I’ve been meaning to read?

Truth or Dare: Encounters with Power, Authority, and Mystery by Starhawk
The Grace in Dying: How We Are Transformed Spiritually as We Die by Kathleen Singh
all the books listed in 500 Great Books by Women: A Reader’s Guide by Erica Bauermeister
(and so many more!)

I was tagged by Laurel. If you want to play along, consider yourself tagged. Leave a comment to share that you did with a link to your blog (or just put the list in the comments!

Riches Found

Space is limited at Chez Mindful Life, and I have gradually filled the bookcases we have. Lately I wanted to read a pair of books that, while they were sure to be good reads, just weren’t worth spending money on, especially since I would only read them once and don’t have storage space. One copy was at my local city library. The other was listed as being “on the shelves,” but after repeated searches without success, I concluded it must be lost. So I searched elsewhere.

What I discovered amazed me. You see, some years ago a law was passed in California that removed residency requirements for public libraries. This means any person with a California residence and a photo I.D. to prove it can get a library card at any, and as many, libraries as she wants. This means I could actually get a library card for the Los Angeles library system. (Though that would be impractical, there is something tantalizing in the thought.) For years I have been a supporter (financially and civically) of public libraries, but I rarely used them. It’s time to walk the talk!

After discovering this mother lode, I’ve visited all the libraries closest to me to get cards (collect one! collect ’em all!) and thus was able to borrow the book I wanted (plus several more). In addition, each of these libraries offers inter-library loan services. Here is a list of my keys to free knowledge.

I could also get a card for the San Francisco Public Library as well as the East Bay (Alameda and Contra Costa counties), but I may hold off. I think 40 miles is my geographic limit for borrowing books, and those are well beyond! Then again, there’s a brand new branch of the SF library just across the street from where I park on those days I drive to the city (and it’s less than a mile from the train station).

A Metaphor for Learning

The best way to find things out is not to ask questions at all. If you fire off a question, it is like firing off a gun — bang, it goes, and everything takes flight and runs for shelter. But if you sit quite still and pretend not to be looking, all the little facts will come and peck around your feet, situations will venture forth from thickets, and intentions will creep out and sun themselves on a stone; and if you are very patient, you will see and understand a great deal more than a man with a gun does.

–Elspeth Huxley

[via Whiskey River]

Stocking Up

Yesterday I went into Commuknity ostensibly to pick up my receipt for the Stitch n’ Pitch event, but of course I wanted to see my knitting sisters and fondle some of the wares. To my delight Nathania and Chloe were there (and I was sad not to see Emy this time). And you know I couldn’t make it out of the store without indulging myself, right? The book is a great resource (if I ever get the patience to knit something bigger than scarf), and the yarn and one set of needles are dedicated to trying my hand at knitting the Little Flowers shawl. The other set of needles were selected, um, just because. You never know when you might need a size 15 36-inch circular needle!

latest spoils

American Dream

American Dream

Banks pepper us with plastic,
feed our indwelling greed —
we risk our well-being
to barter for glitter,
gorge on obsolescence.
Too many are willing
to forfeit the future,
surrender their power —
it’s just paper, they say —
in exchange for their fix,
allaying the craving
for more, yet more, and more.

—
Poem #11 for NaPoWriMo

This poem is built on the scaffold of Stephen Burt’s After Callimachus. I also found this of interest:

In “After Callimachus (4)” Burt invokes Eudemus, the Greek astronomer and mathematician, who pared back his life in order to avoid debt—which came with mortal penalty. … Burt is taking contemporary America to task (through showing parallels to our esteemed Athenian friends). … In (4) [he] raises his critical hackles by reminding Americans that in another time, debt came with the penalty of death, yet with Americans taking on more and more debt (and the Congress voting to raise the debt ceiling for the government again just this week), Burt is slyly pointing at what Kevin Phillips in his new book American Theocracy calls one of the three most clear and present dangers facing America today, American indebtedness.

—THE GREAT AMERICAN PINUP: STEPHEN BURT—PARALLEL PLAY

Cool Ways to Re-use What You Think of As Junk

I learned today what a soda bottle looks like when it’s shipped to the company to be filled. It’s called a preform. When they fall on the manufacturing floor, they become unsanitary and cannot be used for consumables. They are recycled or shipped to a place such as RAFT, which uses them to make educational kits. They look like test tubes with screw tops and make excellent vials for storing small items (like beads) or using in basic science experiments (such as demonstrating how a seed germinates).

I also spent several hours using a paper cutter to cut the flaps off three-ring binders; these binders (some of them almost brand new) are discarded by the truckload by corporations. Rather than pile up in a landfill, RAFT has a creative use for them. The spine is put into recycling. The two flaps are then used to create a science kit called a “shake table.” Four small rubber balls are placed between the binder pieces and bound together by rubber bands on each side. Students are then asked to build a structure that sits on the platform that can withstand movement. The “shake table” when jiggled demonstrates earthquake tremors and is useful in teaching children about earth science.

I would love to see RAFT become a nationwide resource for educators. It started as one teacher’s idea to help other teachers get inexpensive supplies for hands-on teaching. Teachers typically spend $1,500 of their own money at retail stores each year to buy supplies for their students and classrooms; at RAFT they can get the same materials for $200.

Alas

My brain churns with thoughts, but time and energy are limited. Here’s a stream-of-consciousness example of what’s on my mind these days (in no particular order):

  • The history of the Black Panther movement and the 60s culture (I went to an exhibition at the Yerba Buena galleries today).
  • Community and social capital, i.e., how technology reduces this in-person but presents new opportunities for community via the Internet.
  • Musing whether these changes in community signify the doom of humanity and wondering if I’m a cynical idealist or just a realist or if there’s a difference.
  • Netsquared and their mission to support non-profits in adopting new web technologies to further their missions.
  • Life and it’s meaning; death and what comes after (if anything).
  • What truth is.
  • The first anniversary of my father-in-law’s death on April 2.
  • How I’m ready for rain to stop and warm spring to arrive.
  • Exercises that grab me by the lapels from a book I recently bought called The Practice of Poetry.
  • Cursing the fact that dust bunnies reproduce and wondering if there’s a simpler form of birth control than housecleaning.
  • Thinking about some essays my father wrote and sent me about his life experiences, and how I’m learning tidbits I’d yearned to know for years.
  • Percolating an idea for a project I’m to make to give to my Artella Spring Sprite recipient.
  • Saturday’s HOBA TeamWorks project at RAFT.
  • How pleased I am that my cholesterol levels are really low and that my doctor wrote a personal note, “Good!!” on the results that were mailed to me.
  • Wishing I’d read the book Jarhead before watching the movie Jarhead, which I’ve rented and will watch this weekend.
  • Creativity and personality and what type of mini-workshop I want to design regarding this.
  • What I want for dinner.

What’s on your mind?

Redirection

One of my personal development goals at my job (AmeriCorps service involves setting aside time for such) was to increase my presentation skills and confidence speaking in front of others. I’ve had two semester-long classes in this before (one for my B.A. and then for my M.A.). But like many, I don’t have the opportunity to speak in front of others much and it makes me nervous.

So I thought I would try Toastmasters. I visited one group and it didn’t feel like a good fit. So I tried another group, this one held at another tech company. The fit felt better, but only a bit. I found myself not going, and not going again. So I asked myself why. Was the degree of resistance due to dread of public speaking or to something else?

The murkiness lifted today. While I want and need to practice public presentation, the TM style isn’t what I really want. The meetings are structured, with everyone playing certain roles, and there is an air of artifice in the way people speak and address one another that I don’t want. I understand why they follow this protocol. The goal of TM is to get people comfortable introducing guests, speaking extemporaneously, and giving short speeches. But clapping after every single activity week after week feels ludicrous, and I just don’t feel inspired to learn (and practice over and over again) how to introduce a speaker.

The other reason for resistance, I realize, is that membership in Toastmasters requires a good deal of time spent on one’s own preparing a speech. I have plenty going on in my life. I am not able to spend time on my job preparing those speeches, and I’m not jazzed enough by the TM program to do it on my own time. Also, there is an expectation when one joins that one will try to attend every single meeting. Sometimes people can’t make it, and that’s understood, but they need to rely on members to fill the various roles weekly. I just don’t want the expectation placed on me.

So I talked with my supervisor today about it, and we agreed to abandon the activity. A little brainstorming revealed a better project. What I really want is to develop workshops focusing on personality and creativity and its applications at work and home. I’ve got books on order and I’m to provide a mini-session to my AmeriCorps team in May. My supervisor agreed this would be an excellent opportunity to develop the curriculum, to work out the kinks in the material and my presentation. Then I can offer this to other volunteers. Again, a safe environment in which to practice so I can someday use this after I’m done with this service. I’m very excited about this. I also am trying to negotiate other less business-oriented public presentation experiences as part of my plan. Perhaps I could participate in a poetry slam. Or take an acting class. She was dubious, but I’ve got this percolating and we’ll see what comes of it.

Regarding my post about my “hobby ADD,” thank you to all who have commented and emailed me. Two people mentioned a book that I have since purchased and am reading (it’s part of my research for aforementioned workshops!). It’s called The Renaissance Soul: Life Design for People with Too Many Passions to Pick Just One. The other two books I ordered are: Breakthrough Creativity: Achieving Top Performance Using the Eight Creative Talents and Creativity and Personality Type : Tools for Understanding and Inspiring the Many Voices of Creativity.

The Tribulation of a Bourgeoise

The curse of curiosity is that it causes one to spread attention too thinly. I’m feeling it. I’m feeling rag-tag, superficial, scattered. I want too much, want to do too many things, and wind up doing some of them some of the time and never become excellent at any. Which does the dilettante want to do today? Knit? Draw? Take photographs? Write poetry? Memoir? Read? Garden? Exercise? Homemake? Save the world? (Several years ago I had the harebrained idea that I wanted to re-learn to play the recorder. I’d learned in elementary school and was given a soprano recorder in high school. My sister gave me sheet music for Christmas in 2000. I didn’t pursue the goal.)

My appetite is too large. Notice how the list above doesn’t mention friends? I actually have none here, at least none I get together with or talk to on a consistent basis. For the short time I hosted the memoir writing group, I felt it was rich and rewarding. But then I got a job. (Oh, that’s rubbish; when I was unemployed I still wasted a lot of time and didn’t see a lot of people.) Keeping in touch with other friends in Austin, and with family, is more a theory than a fact. I also spend more time on the computer than is helpful. At 43Things (another time waster of mine), a search for the words “less time internet” brings up 10,468 goals, all of which mention something about using the internet less. (Well, I didn’t read them all, but after the first 50 I assumed this was true.) So I’m not special, I’m not alone. Now what?

I wish I only wanted to do one thing, at most two. I want to fall in love, monogamously and forever, with one art form or life goal. I wish I preferred making visual art only. Let’s narrow that down, even. I wish I wanted only to draw, to really learn the principles and practice it daily to become better at it. Instead I want to also make collage and paint. I rarely do any. Or I wish my passion was only for writing. But what kind of writing? I want to write memoir, poetry, and creative nonfiction. Becoming a good writer requires taking time to read, and especially to read works in the genre of choice. Becoming a good writer requires spending time actually writing. But again, what genre? I wish I could decide on whether to pursue non-profit work or to devote myself to developing a life coach practice. I wish I would commit to exercising regularly, making it as much a priority as eating.

My life is cluttered with unused art supplies, unread books and magazines, yarn, needles. It’s gotten so crowded that I feel stifled. My home is chock full of tchotchkes. I long for clean space, clean lines. I have a gym membership that isn’t used as often as I’d promised myself. Stacks of printed articles on creativity and philanthropy and notes of half-baked workshop ideas crowd my desk.

It is tempting to delude myself with the label of “Renaissance woman” and to conclude it’s just that I’m bursting with life and creativity, a modern-day female da Vinci. Hah! I suspect this widespread interest in too many things is one way I protect myself and avoid responsibility. But protect myself from what? Maybe it’s how I avoid being still, because being still brings me closer to the unknown, and the unknown terrifies me. Or maybe all this busy-ness is filling the void of being childless. Avoid what responsibility? The responsibility of becoming really good at something so that people start to expect and rely on my performance. I also surmise that my scattered approach is an expression of immaturity. If I choose A, this means I turn away from B. “But I don’t wanna!”

So today I stew in frustration and self-loathing (actually, it’s been simmering for quite awhile subconsciously). I know this is not productive. But this is what is. I hate this part of myself. It is a deeply ingrained character trait. I remember in my youth starting projects and not finishing them, and the dismay of my elders over this. Hell, I changed my college major five times! And my decision process for graduate school was agonizing. (Did I want a Master of Library Science, to become an ESL teacher, or become a pschotherapist? I wanted them all. And these days I daydream about earning a Master of Fine Arts degree.)

Do I yearn for fewer choices? (Be careful what you wish for, Kathryn.) No. Back in my twenties when absence of money restricted my options, my devotion to one craft or goal was an adaptation. I devoted myself to earning my B.A., because I knew it was the path out of clerical hell and a poor income. For a decade I satisfied the passion to write by maintaining a penpal relationship with a man. It was a journaling relationship; we each poured out our lives to the other, had discussions, even debates, via pen and paper. Between full-time work and school, there was not much time for extras. Writing has always been necessary. So I focused on that. I simply did not dream of exploring visual art, for example. Ah, but now, with a better standard of living, I have been able to afford to explore. No, I don’t wish for fewer choices. I wish for the fortitude, the strength of character, to choose a path and devote myself to it.

What to do?

Optimize Your Brain

The brain is a three-pound supercomputer. It is the command and control center running your life. It is involved in absolutely everything you do. Your brain determines how you think, how you feel, how you act, and how well you get along with other people. Your brain even determines the kind of person you are. It determines how thoughtful you are; how polite or how rude you are. It determines how well you think on your feet, and it is involved with how well you do at work and with your family. Your brain also influences your emotional well being and how well you do with the opposite sex.

Your brain is more complicated than any computer we can imagine. Did you know that you have one hundred billion nerve cells in your brain, and every nerve cell has many connections to other nerve cells? In fact, your brain has more connections in it than there are stars in the universe! Optimizing your brain’s function is essential to being the best you can be, whether at work, in leisure, or in your relationships.

–Dr. Daniel G. Amen

You can read his recommendations further at Seven Ways to Optimize Your Brain and Your Life.