Category Archives: Community

Blazing By

The summer speeds along. It’s astonishing! Our transition into the new home continues. Bean, especially, has difficulty. Her sleeping habits are regular again. However, she has zero interest in being away from me, ever (even for me to be in another part of the house sometimes), and she is especially rejecting of others. It started right after the move, with her Grandma Kay. Whenever Kay would come near her, she told grandma to go into another room, to go away.

One of my sisters visited later in June, and Bean was pretty horrible to her too. After the first day in which Bean was shy and sweet, she would raise her voice to her aunt. “Don’t say words!” “Go away!” “Don’t look at me!” These demands were accompanied by screeching. (Bean didn’t have the same feelings toward her uncle, however; he was just nifty.) We took the opportunity to admonish her about being kind, but the bottom line is that in this new house and new life there was an unfamiliar person taking a lot of my attention and time, and this just didn’t sit well with Bean.

A couple weeks ago a friend of mine came to visit, and Bean behaved similarly. She warmed up to my friend a bit, but would bluntly state her wishes too, such as “Don’t talk to me.” Then last Friday, when her beloved babysitter came for the first time in a month, she decided the babysitter was no good either. After about 45 minutes with A__, she didn’t want the babysitter to sit in the same room, or touch any of her toys, and so on. I got a call about an hour before I was due home; A__ informing me what was happening to let me know. I decided that as long as Bean was safe (not self-injuring or something), that I would come home at my planned time. When I came home she’d been crying and wailing for me and clung to me.

She’s even been mean to her father in this way. And increasingly, Bean says, “I want to go back to the old house.” I conclude that this has been a seismic shift for her. If she can be taken away from her home, then what about Mommy? What if Mommy is taken away, or she is taken from Mommy? Many days she doesn’t want to go anywhere, sometimes not even outside. Not to the grocery store, the park, for a walk. Pushing her is a catalyst for a tantrum; then everyone is miserable, so what’s the point?

And the tantrums! Oh, they have become ever more voluble and frequent.

However, it’s not all negative stuff. Bean is as sweet, playful, and loving as ever — even more so. So much change in a little life…

We’ve done a few activities, such as:

Berry picking in June!

our bounty

“Washing” windows:

think she'll be willing to do this when she's a teen?

Baking cakes (and licking batter off the beater):

licking the batter off the beater!

Having backyard picnics:

the joy of a backyard

Enjoying the sprinkler:

sprinkler fun

And making stuff, like sand clay and painting birdhouses! Bean made the bowl with a little shaping help from me, and I made the candle holder.

sand clay

I painted the white coat and Bean added her flair:

birdhouse 1

Onward to August!

Steps Forward

Bean moves steadily from toddlerhood toward childhood.

Yesterday in the bath, Bean said she was performing a science experiment. She has Munchkin foam letters, and they stick to surfaces in the tub and the stall walls. So she took the letter J and put it on her head to see if it would stick. She shook her head, and it fell off. She did this four or five times. Then she said, “Let’s see if the letter L will stick.” She repeated the procedure, and indeed it did! (My occasional guilt for allowing her to watch television in the early morning was alleviated in this moment. She learns a great deal from her favorite shows: Caillou, Curious George, Olivia, Word World, Sesame Street, Between the Lions, and My Friends Tigger & Pooh.)

At the same time, she still needs lots of cuddling and mothering and fathering. Her sleep remains disrupted from the move. I added a makeshift curtain to her window to help darken the room a bit. The challenge, it seems, is that on days she naps she has difficulty falling asleep, and on days she does not nap she falls asleep early and well but it is a long, cranky, and sometimes tearful afternoon and evening until then!

Last night I rocked and sang to her, and she was all wiggles and squirms. After 25 minutes of this I told her it was time to go to sleep and I put her in the crib. She protested with a whine. I covered her and said nighty-night. Then I left. The whining continued. I did some chores in the kitchen as the whining progressed to crying. First it was protest crying — not entirely real, not fully committed — but after half an hour she was crying at full bore.

I went to her and asked, “What’s with all this llama drama?” (See books by Anna Dewdney for reference.) She asked for a tissue to blow her nose, and then I rocked her. As she lay in my arms with a tear-streaked face, she spoke in a tremulous voice. She said she’d felt alone and that she was crying like a baby so I would come back. She said she had a boo-boo on her knee, and so I kissed it. Then she explained how the Kleenex helps get the boogers out of her nose.

So I rocked and sang again, for about 25 minutes, and she snuggled against me and fell asleep. At 9:20 I put her down in the crib, and she slept until 6:45 (earlier than usual, but much better than 5:20 a.m.!)

In a few moments we’ll head out to a farm and pick berries with new friends from down the street. The boys are 7 and 5, and they love Bean and (so far) play well with her. I notice that Bean really plays well with older kids who understand turn-taking and sharing. She doesn’t follow game rules very well yet and isn’t as organized, but she has more fun with kids who don’t grab toys from her and understand when she “uses her words.” The extra benefit of these new friends is that I really really like their mom!

The Big Move

Packing is nearly complete. What remains are some toys, dishes, the pantry, and the fridge. And a few other miscellaneous items.

Tuesday we move. And start to settle in. And return to the old house to take a few stray items and clean a bit. We return the keys on May 31, and this chapter of our lives is closed.

This home has been Bean’s home. When we first made the offer, she said she didn’t want a new house. She liked this one. But over the past two months, with repeated trips to the new home, she has gradually warmed up to the possibility. Husband painted her room lavender, and I made a cozy place in the cubby hole under the stairs, and she has discovered the wonderful possibilities of the back yard. So she has been remarkably laid-back as boxes pile up around her, and all that is familiar disappears. She was even eager to take her decorations off her bedroom walls.

I’m running on empty, but I feel good about how everything is going. Next time I write a post, it’ll be in the new home!

Hidden Blessings

It had been a rough winter for Bean. She got sick nearly every month since September (and coincidentally she started preschool one day a week that month), had two bouts of pneumonia, and required treatments to help her breathe. The latest illness began on Mother’s Day, and by Thursday she was in a spiral of non-stop coughing. I mean that literally. She couldn’t utter a sentence without coughing between words. She couldn’t eat; she coughed so much and so hard she vomited. She hardly slept. The doctor had me bring her in and gave her breathing treatment, then sent us home with a prescription for prednisone and albuterol treatments. We also discussed whether to forgo attending preschool in the fall.

At our follow-up appointment on Tuesday, we discussed the situation. It turns out that Bean has asthma. This may be something she outgrows, as her respiratory system gets bigger and her immunity builds. She’s very petite. We have an asthma plan. When she’s healthy, it’s the green zone, and we need not do anything. At the sign of any sickness (fever, runny nose, sneezing, congestion, coughing — any one of these) we enter the yellow zone. We are to give her albuterol every four hours round the clock and prednisone twice a day until the cold goes away.

However, if she’s in the yellow zone more than a week, or she falls into a coughing spiral as she has, we enter the red zone and need to seek emergency attention — Urgent Care if they’re open, the ER if not.

At first I felt a little sad about pulling her out of preschool. I really want her to have the social outlet, and I want it too. The doctor pointed out, though, that if she’s sick all the time, she can’t get the social contact anyway. And preschool is a lot more exposure to illness than small play-dates with friends. So, I set about creating an at-home curriculum for us next year: reading/phonics, science, art & craft, music, games, adventure days. I’ll invite a couple friends over to join us now and then. And after more pondering, I realize that I have a gift. Soon enough, Bean will go to school five days a week and enter into her own life away from me. I have the privilege of her company for another year, at least, and maybe two.

I just returned from a day-long retreat with my friend Karen, where I realized something else. We’ve resorted to doing “puffs” — breathing ten times from a little chamber where the medicine is squirted into — because she fought the breathing treatments that took ten minutes every time. And I realized, today, that by sitting with her and helping her count breaths to ten, I am setting the foundation for her to learn how to settle herself and become aware of breath. It also helps me to stop and breathe, and be quiet. Breathing is the foundation of meditation, which leads to attention, which leads to love, which leads to patience, which leads to forgiveness, which leads to peace.

So what first seems like a hindrance has turned out to have aspects to appreciate. I’m grateful for that.

——-

I have written this post quickly, because my life is in flux and I have to give my attention to other things: dinner, and packing. I feel eloquence is lacking in the above reflection, but it will have to do. We move on Tuesday! So much to do before that!

The Latest

Packing, packing, packing, sick kid, Urgent Care, ear infection, packing, packing, 104F fever, coddling, cuddling, rocking, dosing, televisioning, sorting, packing. Oh my god, still more packing!. Haven’t made a dent and yet have a ton of boxes already.

We move in two weeks. Husband is at the house doing all sorts of little things to prepare it, and we’re waiting for a couple of small messy jobs to get done. Then cleaning, then moving.

Radio Silence

Throughout my life, writing has been a cherished expression for me. At one point I even felt that writing was as important as breathing. I so urgently wanted to tell my story about where I came from, what was done to me, what had happened in my life. I wanted to share tidbits, information, inspiration, resources. It was a form of therapy, a creative outlet, and a way to connect intimately with others (even when those others were anonymous).

I’ve noticed since becoming a mother I have written less. No, I take that back. For the first two years of Bean’s life, I wrote about her. Then I decided to reign that in, since she is developing greater agency over her life. Lately, blogging about my life strikes me as an incredibly narcissistic activity; it always has been, but at one point I actually thought it had value. Increasingly, though, I see that my vignettes, reflections, and insights are not original, and I’m not certain that writing them (here or in a paper journal) effects anything beneficial. I don’t seem to need to do it anymore. So this blog has become a place to link to resources related to my current activity (parenting) and the occasional photo or movie of Bean. This morning I realized there are usually three factors that cause my writing silence; any one of these can be cause for me to abandon writing for while:

  1. I am very busy with daily activities (such as when I worked and went to school, both full-time).
  2. I am content with my life.
  3. I feel that to write is to express nothing unique or new, and to blog is just adding another voice to the cacophony of Twitterers, bloggers, Facebookers (of which I’m an avid user) and other sundry voices.

As it happens, all of these factors are true at the moment. Hence, my sporadic posts.

I’ve been reading voraciously this year. Some years I barely touch fiction, other years I devour it. This is a fiction year. Yet I’ve also been immersed in a number of existential books by Eckhart Tolle, and most recently I’ve been soaking in Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life.

At this point, I’ll keep living as usual. There’s a season for all things, and the writing season will probably come ’round again.

H-H-House

Today we signed 30 years of our lives away and parted with our money! Yeehaa! Let’s hope we’re not fools. We certainly weren’t quickly or easily parted from it.

In California, you sign all the legal and mortgage paperwork and then they give you the keys later. We’ll legally have our house on May 4, and then the fun begins. Tenting for pests, small repairs, installing things, packing, packing, and more packing, sorting and donating, packing, and then moving. May will be a busy month.

And then we’ll nest. Bean already loves the back yard. I’ve got ideas for planting… and I must remind myself we have many years in which to do all these things.

A Dream Achieved

At long last, after a search of 13+ months, we found a home to buy! We close a couple of days into May and will move in by June 1. Woohoo!!

If you live in Silicon Valley and need a realtor, contact ours: CJ Brasiel. She also has a blog. CJ makes it happen. We hired her on January 1, and we had a house by Easter.

I stand here nipping a bit of lunch while Bean eats, so this post will be brief as usual.

Transition

I’m dealing again with the fact that friendships are fluid; they serve for a time, and then they don’t. This is a challenge when it’s the other friend who decides to move on. It’s tempting to feel rejected, sad, angry, bitter, hurt. So I’m trying to sit with those feelings a bit — feel them, watch them, allow space to develop around them, and let them go. By dwelling in them I’ll be robbing myself of life now. I do feel a bit lonesome today, but I remind myself this will change, and that I have the ability to alter my perspective and to allow that feeling to dissipate.

Lately I’ve been preoccupied with a life transition and have been less in the loop with my playgroup. So it’s time to pick up the phone and try to arrange some dates with other mothers and their kids, and to forge some new friendships with acquaintances recently met.

On Keeping the Sabbath

I just heard a fascinating interview on Fresh Air with Judith Shulevitz as the guest.

She has written a book about the history of the Jewish sabbath and also included a memoir about her own journey into keeping Sabbath customs. I found her lyrical and articulate, and her views impressed me. What I especially appreciate is the concept of resting as a community, and of stepping back from our attempt to manipulate and control the world for one day.

For one day each week, the Sabbath encourages us to enter into a moment outside of ordinary time and all the cares associated with it. I can’t do her ideas justice; it’s worth a listen.

Even for an agnostic such as me, it was worth a listen. And now I want to read the book. It resonates the way the Unplug campaign did. I found that the weekend I unplugged for one day, I felt more centered. Last weekend I did not unplug, and I felt I hadn’t even had a weekend!

Go here for more information and to listen to the interview.

Something About the Wind

Something about the wind makes me feel alive…the seagulls and the sky…whether its sunny and bright or cloudy and grey or nighttime and I’m surrounded by vast darkness…I just feel…FULL. Full of love and energy….almost as though I’m porous and the wind soars through tiny holes in my body and I’m part of it all…the earth and the people and the relation of everything with everything…as though I don’t matter…but its not scary…its wonderful….i feel so free.
It’s the only time I’m not afraid to die. Cuz I can feel the wind and I know that I’ll always be a part of life…and the love and energy that are contained in my skin will be let loose into the wind and the world will just know how much I care and love and I will live forever.

–Eva Dien Brine Markvoort, 2006-2010

Eva was a lovely woman, full of spirit and beauty and fire, who battled Cystic Fibrosis and MRSA. She underwent a double lung transplant in 2007, but eventually her body rejected it. She went on the waiting list for another transplant. She fought to stay with this world until she could not. In February, she recorded this loving message to the world. She lived another six weeks, and died at age 25 on March 27, 2010. I’ve spent this morning reading the archives of her blog, looking at her photos, and marveling at how much life and love this young woman packed into her stay on earth. I wish I could have met her. I hope I can heed her words.

Click this link to see the movie, or watch it below. It might make you cry, but it’s important to listen. (And turn up the volume; her condition made her speak softly and slowly.)

Women Hold Up Half the Sky

Last night I saw a movie based on a book called Half the Sky, written by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn. Their work through this book and Nicholas’s New York Times column is an effort to galvanize the world to pay attention to women’s rights all over the world. I could get on my soapbox and provide statistics about poverty, sexual abuse, maternal death, but I think sharing my reflections about one story might be more compelling. Before I do, though, I will share one statistic with you: globally, at least one in three women are beaten or sexually abused in her lifetime. Since I myself am among the group of “one in three” (although I don’t discuss it often here), I want to focus on how one woman has catalyzed major change in her culture.

I want to talk about Woineshet, a young woman who was featured in short film directed by Marisa Tomei. She transformed her experience of being brutally raped into a forum for changing her culture for the betterment of women and therefore, also of men. In Ethiopian villages a common practice — which has been upheld by the law — is that of men raping women and girls, who are then usually forced into marriage with their attackers. As a result of making the offer of marriage later, men cannot be prosecuted for their attacks. In one village, about 70 percent of the marriages found their genesis in this practice.

Woineshet was 13 when she was raped. She journeyed two days for a physical exam in order to provide proof for authorities, only to be told that her virginity was in doubt because the wound looked old. Her attacker was arrested and released on bail; then he abducted Woineshet again and held her for a month, forcing her to sign a marriage certificate before she escaped. Before a judge — who suggested that she was fortunate that her attacker wanted to marry her even though she was no longer a “fresh virgin” — she replied to the question of whether she would marry her rapist with the simple answer: “I refuse.”

She has since, with the steadfast help of her father, gone on to complete her basic education and is pursuing a law degree. She has pursued her case through the legal system in order to win the right for women to prosecute their attackers. What is more heartening, however, is her work to educate people to effect change in the culture which supports this practice.

There is a scene in the film where Woineshet has visited a village, and the men and women gathered to hear her story. A young woman who was forced into marriage after her rape spoke about how she felt. She was unhappy; she wanted to have an education; she wanted to be someone; she was angry. Then the man who attacked her — her husband — spoke from his perspective, of how his actions made him feel like a successful man. It is tempting to feel outrage toward him, but instead I felt something else: hope. I listened to this man talk about how he felt at the time, and how he has come to understand how devastating his actions have been. And he offered to apologize to the woman he’d hurt, and kissed her feet. I realize those actions don’t “make it all better,” but that’s not the point. This enlightenment must occur for change and healing to occur. He cannot undo his actions, but he can atone. Person by person, culture changes. Woineshet is an example of resilience and perseverance at the young age of 21; imagine how she might improve the world throughout her lifetime.

Join the movement: Half the Sky. Women aren’t the problem; they’re the solution, along with men.

A Future We Can Change

Life is competitive around here. It is everywhere, but I feel it especially here — in the play group, among other parents in general, especially when the topic of education comes up. Last year, four Gunn High School students in Palo Alto committed suicide by stepping in front of trains; already one child committed suicide the same way this year. Granted, Palo Alto manifests “the best of the best” — affluent, highly educated, highly successful Silicon Valley players who want their children to succeed and exceed the norm. Not all school districts are as packed with scrambling over-achievers.

We want a good school for Bean, but more than that, we want a good learning experience for her, and a good life. I want to see this movie when it comes out. And I want to be part of the solution.

If you can’t see the movie trailer, click this link.

Technology Ain’t All That

Since Facebook has decided yet again to reorganize its home page, I find myself disenchanted with it. This latest incarnation provides inconsistent updates and leaves me feeling disconnected from all the folks I call friends. I’ve come to realize that I rely too much on that social network for my feeling of connection with friends.

Facebook, when it works, does allow me to see snippets of friends’ days, and to see the articles and other links they share that are interesting. (I’m on Twitter too, but I dislike the format and hardly use it except to gather or share information. Facebook’s ability to comment on an individual post makes it more relevant.)

However, now that I feel I’m missing updates, and I know others are not seeing mine consistently, I’m left with two questions:

How much to do I really need to be on the Internet, anyway?

Whatever happened to blogging as a means of connection?

Facebook is centralized; whereas I’m not going to be able to get my friends to come read my blog, I can let them see updates at FB.

But I could also email friends directly, blog, call. When they aren’t working correctly, I realize how much of a time suck all these networks are.

Last Day To Bid

Today is the last day for the To Haiti With Love auction. While I’m pleased that my items have had some bids, I’d like to point out some other products for auction in case hand-knits aren’t your wish.

There is a wide array of books — inspirational books, children’s books, poetry — offered.

Are you looking for a grown-up indulgence, such as a ski weekend in Telluride, handcrafted soaps, a creativity coaching session? Look here.

How about some artwork to hang on the wall in a beloved toddler or baby’s room, or a handmade wood toy, or lovingly crafted clothing? You can find some here.

There is a wide selection of gorgeous fine art photography to bid on.

Perhaps you’re looking for a new journal to write in.

These are just a few items available. Check out the site! All proceeds go to assist St. Joseph’s Family of Homes.

Bidding is easy! Just leave a bid in the comment section for the item you want. More details are here.

Toe-Tapping Music

On this rainy Saturday, with a feverish, coughing child, I stumbled across this peppy little video. For more of Kristin Andreassen’s music, lookie here! I learned about Kristen from a blog that’s new to me — One Person. Everyday — which, of course, I found via Patti Digh, of the blog called 37 Days.

If the embedded video doesn’t work, click here to see it.

To Haiti With Love

To Haiti with Love is an online auction of art, photography, papercrafts, clothing, and creative goods. All proceeds will go direct to the St. Joseph’s Family of homes for children in Haiti. There are some gorgeous works and delectable items offered.

The auction opens at 8 AM EST on Monday, February 1, 2010.

The auction closes at midnight EST on Monday, February 8, 2010. There is still time!

Instructions on how to bid are here.

I’ve offered three items for bidding — a felted bowl with chocolates, a cashmere/wool scarflet called a Fidget, and fingerless gloves made of wool and silk.

Make a bid, change lives!

(And I’d love to see someone enjoy my creations!)