All is in the hands of man. Therefore wash them often.
–Stanislaw J. Lec
Category Archives: Humor
Two Kinds
There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.
–Indira Gandhi
A New Perspective
Age is not intolerable if your shins are warm.
–Verlyn Klinkenborg, Timothy, or, Notes of an Abject Reptile
Well Shiver Me Timbers!
Tomorrow is Talk Like a Pirate Day!!
Good Ol’ Dave
He has brightened many a moment for me.
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.
–Dave Barry
A Book That
changed my life?
The Wisdom of No Escape: And the Path of Loving Kindness by Pema Chodron
I’ve read more than once?
Mrs. Stevens Hears the Mermaids Singing by May Sarton
The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster
The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff
I’d want on a desert island?
The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Desert Island (though I don’t think it’s been written yet)
made me laugh?
A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal, by Christopher Moore
made me cry?
Charlotte’s Web by E. B White
I wish had been written?
Since I don’t know all that’s been written, how do I know what hasn’t been written?
I wish had never been written?
One that I just finished reading: A Round-Heeled Woman: My Late-Life Adventures in Sex and Romance by Jane Juska
I’m currently reading?
I am about to start The Onion Girl by Charles de Lindt and
The Shame of the Nation: The Restoration of Apartheid Schooling in America by Jonathan Kozol
I’ve been meaning to read?
Truth or Dare: Encounters with Power, Authority, and Mystery by Starhawk
The Grace in Dying: How We Are Transformed Spiritually as We Die by Kathleen Singh
all the books listed in 500 Great Books by Women: A Reader’s Guide by Erica Bauermeister
(and so many more!)
I was tagged by Laurel. If you want to play along, consider yourself tagged. Leave a comment to share that you did with a link to your blog (or just put the list in the comments!
Just Happy
I don’t really care if my glass is half full or half empty — I’m just happy to have a glass.
—Joe Farrell
This And That And The Other
Things that please me and make me a nice person to be around.
- The car engine light remains off and it’s running great.
- My car passed smog inspection.
- I got a free cup of coffee this afternoon when I happened upon a grand opening party of a new Starbucks in San Mateo.
- There was a musician performing for the party whose style and voice I found very striking. Her name is Katie Knipp.
- I spent an enjoyable evening packing safe sex kits for the AIDS program in San Mateo.
- I am scheduled to get a massage tomorrow (my annual trip).
- One of my new social groups at LibraryThing has taken off. It’s a group for people who like tea, of all things.
- The temperature is cool again.
- I had dinner with a friend and caught up over coffee at Borders while in SF yesterday. We hadn’t seen each other in nine months.
- I am eating fresh, sweet cherries as I write this post.
- I will attend the Collard Greens Festival on Saturday. It’s in East Palo Alto; if you live in the Bay Area, you should come! I can hardly wait to sample the collard green ice cream!
- As of August 1, I will have only three months of my service to complete.
- I have decided to let go of anxiety about what will happen next and just enjoy the abundant life I am blessed with.
- While the past week has been creatively quiet in terms of knitting and visual art, I wrote two poems for the first time in three months.
- This means that I’m “getting back on the horse again” after my dreadful experience with an online poetry forum and a raking over by one critic/troll in particular.
- Meanwhile I discovered some new books with techniques and bought some more supplies (rubber stamps, paper, ink), which has been like taking a super-creativity vitamin. My hands are itching to make something!
- There are brilliant, incisive, creative people out there, such as Ze Frank, who amuses me daily, and the occasional You Tube video such as Keep Your Jesus Off My Penis by Eric Schwartz (thanks to Emy for that one).
Leisure
Brilliant, Angry, Funny, Real
1. At my funeral, if I have an open casket (which is dubious at best), please DO NOT say, “She looks good.” I don’t look good. I look DEAD.
2. Don’t say I passed. I am not a kidney stone. I’m dead.
3. Don’t say we lost her. I’m not lost. I’m dead. You can’t find me unless you die and maybe not even then.
4. Don’t tell my kids I’m in a better place. How do you know? Have you ever died?
5. Don’t tell my family not to be sad. They are sad. I’m dead. They miss me. They can cry. It’s okay.
6. Don’t tell my kids they will get over it. They won’t. Yes, they will get on with their lives. But they will still have times of sadness. Grief is recursive and there will times that they will feel the loss again and again like when they married or on Mother’s Day or their birthdays.
7. Don’t say only positive things about me. This ‘don’t speak ill of the dead’ is a bunch of shit. I’m a human being. Sometimes I was a bitch. Maybe even a lot of the time. I know I could be condescending, arrogant, impatient, self-centered, superficial, materialistic, pompous, holier-than-thou, stuck up, anal-retentive and egotistical. Not to mention stubborn, self-righteous, and critical.
8. On the other hand, don’t say only negative things about me! I was funny, loyal, loving, generous, kind-hearted, thoughtful, smart, grateful, tolerant, fair-minded, dedicated, and patriotic. I tried my best to be a good wife, mother, daughter, family member, friend, teacher, citizen, and Christian. I recycled and adopted pets from the Humane Society.
9. When you write my obituary please include three pictures of me. One at three, one at 24, and one at the age of my death. I want people to see how cute I was as a toddler. How beautiful, thin, and blond I was at 24, and how I looked as I aged. Every wrinkle, roll of fat, and gray hair was earned by blessings, challenges, joys, and sorrows. I earned all the scars both physical and emotional by living life loudly and passionately and overcoming obstacles.
10. I want a huge party after the funeral. With lots of booze. And a chocolate fountain. And music. Loud, rock and roll. The stuff you can dance to. Play lots of Warren Zevon. I have a Warren Zevon playlist on my iPod. Favorite songs of his include “My Shit’s Fucked Up” and “Keep Me in Your Heart.” Play some Jon Bon Jovi, too. Especially “It’s My Life” and “Have a Nice Day.” Tell funny stories about me. I was always able to laugh at myself. If you were a student of mine or knew me professionally or knew me as a child or woman, tell my children stories because they know me as their mom; not as a woman or a teacher. At the funeral have someone with a beautiful voice song “Ave Maria.” Bagpipes playing “Amazing Grace” would be a nice touch. Celebrate my life. It was a good one filled with so many blessings.
–Connie Hammond Saunders
Blessings to Fran for sharing such wisdom. It was written by a friend of hers who is in remission.
Two Because They’re So Good
Today is my birthday! In 1963 I came out to see what was happening, and a great deal has since then. I got educated, moved across country twice, changed careers, got married, and more. Wow!
The other day I heard the song “1999” by Prince, and I recalled how far away that year seemed when the song was released in 1982. It was so portentous, and the song was nihilistic, about partying as the world ended (it seemed so back then!). How laughably mundane it is now.
First, a little humor:
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
–Larry Lorenzoni
And now a metaphor:
Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time.
–Jean Paul Richter
I’ll be attending a friends’ wedding this evening. Fun all around!
The best birthdays are the ones your find yourself alive to experience.
On Fashion
Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other.
–Unknown
Oh, Those Pesky Things
The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.
–Samuel McChord Crothers, The Gentle Reader
It’s True, I Swear
A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.
–Terry Pratchett, The Fifth Elephant
Life Is So Tough
I’m on a tear with the photos and posting. Can’t sleep. Certain days (weeks) in my cycle I can barely remain awake and need 12 hours a night, and other days I’m revved up. Anyhow, let me bore you with cat photos.
Stella bathes Sophie often. She’s quite thorough, making sure even Sophie’s ears are clean — inside. This is why one ear is flipped inside out! Then they cuddle (until Stella wakes up devilish and pounces in sleeping Sophie).
Now and then Stella must bear up under torment by the FoodGivers. The Tall FoodGiver does awful things — he picks her up, holds her, scratches under her chin, and rubs her belly. The Short FoodGiver just laughs and takes pictures. We know she hates it. I mean, she purrs and purrs. It’s terrible, I tell you. Terrible!
Don’t You Hate When This Happens?
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
–Steven Wright
Wise Advice
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.
–Oscar Wilde
Another List and Some Tidbits
It’s nearly the end of May. I have not written a poem in more than a month — nor have I read many either. I’ve been in the thick of reading about life, the universe, and everything as expounded by Bill Bryson. Among other things.
I’ve also not knitted or made art. I take that back — I knitted a little bit of a scarf I started Christmas eve. It’s nearly done, but I’m usually so worn out from work I don’t have much eye for detail.
This week I will go up to San Francisco tomorrow to help finish a mural project and will supervise another corporate project in San Mateo on Thursday. Sometime in there I’ve got other tasks to get to, not to mention it would be good to get a workout or two in there.
My posts of late seem more like “to do” lists. Sorry about that. The poem below resonated with me, especially the last six lines.
Milkweed
While I stood here, in the open, lost in myself,
I must have looked a long time
Down the corn rows, beyond grass,
The small house,
White walls, animals lumbering toward the barn.
I look down now, it is all changed.
Whatever it was I lost, whatever I wept for
Was a wild, gentle thing, the small dark eyes
Loving me in secret.
It is here. At a touch of my hand,
The air fills with delicate creatures
From the other world.–James Wright
What are the small dark eyes that love you in secret? What delicate creatures surround you?
If that’s too esoteric, then you might might bend your brain around this. Just click in the square and keep clicking in each new square as the focus shifts — requires Flash. (Thanks to Euan for the link.)
And for a good if irreverent laugh, check out this movie trailer. (Shout-out to Eden for finding that!)
A First Time for Everything
Oy, what a day. It was fuller than I expected.
It started with a meeting at 10 a.m.; it was only a half hour. Sweet! (We are very conscientious about ending meetings on time; we assign someone to keep track.)
Then a project leader called about supplies for a large project on Saturday (it morphed from a simple mural and mulch project to a huge painting/gardening one for an elementary school). No one had ever trained me as to procedure on how to get supplies to leaders. I’d been copied on the emails between the agency and leaders, and I skimmed them, assuming they were sent as a courtesy to keep me in the loop. Last week while I was out ill, the leader sent a list of supplies needed and ended with, “Let me know if I need to fax this to anyone.” I dutifully skimmed and filed the email. I was playing catch-up, and it got by me.
Yesterday the other co-leader emailed a long list of supplies, and this time I went to a supervisor to ask how to proceed. They needed to get them today, because the entire staff will be out of the office tomorrow. We would have to rush and gather items (paint brushes, trays, drop cloths, rakes, wheelbarrows, hoes).
Ah, but we had scheduled another meeting, and we had to follow through. It ended at noon.
Our agency stores project supplies at a non-profit in Pacifica (who lets us use space for free). Pacifica is 50 miles from my office. We were to meet the project leader there at 1 o’clock to give him access and help him load his truck. However, I was assigned to go to Home Depot on the way to purchase paint sponges and more brushes. It takes about an hour to drive there without that detour, and I had exactly an hour available.
I made the purchase (no thanks to Home Depot staff who didn’t know where anything was). I had clear directions from Google. I was mellow despite the fact I was already 20 minutes late. I motored slowly through the sleepy suburban hills of Pacifica at 20 miles an hour, headed down a hill looking for street signs for Oddstadt Boulevard, when suddenly I heard the whoop of a police car and saw lights flashing.
What? Who, me? I pulled over. Mr. Policeman gets out of the car and walks up to my window. “Good afternoon, ma’am,” he says. I said hello. He said, “Did you not see that stop sign back there? You didn’t stop.”
Huh? No, I honestly had not seen a stop sign. I didn’t even know how far back it was. This is not a bustling town; there was no traffic on the road at all. (It was a 3-way stop at a T-intersection; I was on the main road.) I said, “No sir, I’m sorry, I really didn’t. I’m not familiar with the area. I’m trying to get to the Boys & Girls Club.”
Mr. Cop: “Where do you live?”
“Santa Clara.”
“Well, I believe they have stop signs there too.”
“I’m sorry, I simply didn’t see the sign. I’m trying to find Oddstadt Boulevard.”
“Do you have an outstanding warrants or are you on parole?”
“No sir.”
“Have you ever gotten a ticket before?”
“No, I’ve never had a traffic ticket.”
“Well, I need to see your license, registration, and proof of insurance. I’ll be happy to give you directions in a moment.”
I handed over the requested items (why did my hand tremble?), and he returned to his car. There he sat for 10 long minutes. He returned with a ticket in hand and explained that I need to deal with the office in South San Francisco (crap! so far away!), and that I can probably get the points removed if I take a driving class. I asked what the ticket cost, and he said that’s determined by the court.
As I signed the ticket (which he said “is not an admission of guilt”), he added that police cars have video cameras now, and they are recording all the time. “So we have proof in case you decide to contest the charges.” Then he cheerfully directed me to the street I sought. I was less than half a mile from my destination.
I’ve never ever gotten a ticket for a moving violation. I’ve been lucky, I guess. But I was disappointed in myself. I felt unhappy because here I am, trying to do my job which for the moment has become another fire to put out (driving to Pacifica was not on my agenda for the day), and I’m honestly unsure of where I am, and damn, I get a ticket. So much for the myth of first offenders getting off with a warning. (But at least my life doesn’t bore me!)
I made it to my destination and handed over the paintbrushes, and after that had another meeting to attend. At 3:30 I headed home.
Relieved to get home without being stuck in highway hell, I kicked off my shoes and headed for my favorite seat, the green sofa. There, where I usually sit, was a little pile of partly digested cat food. Oh, a gift from one of the cats (Stella)! In all the years she’s been with us she’s never actually barfed on the furniture. This sofa was the Big Purchase we made a few Christmases ago. It has now been thoroughly christened. I cleaned it up; fortunately it was, er, not one of her wetter, messier bouts.
But still!
I believe these events qualify me for a comfort-food dinner tonight.
Safely Insane
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
–William Dement



