Category Archives: Humanities

Five Things You Might Not Know About Me

Dick Richards, the author of Come Gather Round, tagged me for a meme. I’m to write about five things you might not know about me.

  1. Although I go exclusively by the name Kathryn now, everyone called me Kathy for 25 years (unless I was in trouble with my parents). At age 12, I wanted to make my name (and myself) more special, so I changed the spelling to Kathie. In 1980 I was a finalist in a regional poetry contest, and I went to Wells College in Aurora, New York, to spend the weekend learning about poetry from Bruce Bennett and Dan Masterson (who had recently published On Earth As It Is). The workshop was populated by upper class, privately educated girls from Virginia, Georgia, Delaware, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, and Massachusetts. This was my first opportunity to be away from home alone, so I experimented and introduced myself as Kate. I was Kate for three full days; I liked it, but it didn’t stick. I remained Kathie until my mid-twenties.

    When I was about 24, I gave serious consideration to legally changing my name to Kathie. It was a time in my life where I struggled to define myself; I was working in a job that felt too small, living a life that was too tight, still overly concerned with what others thought of me. I’d read an article arguing that women with names ending in “y” or “ie” might be taken less seriously in their professions, and it made sense. It’s a diminutive. I wanted to be substantial. I came to a conclusion: my name is Kathryn. It is on my birth certificate. It is a lovely name with a particularly pretty spelling. Those with the same spelling know that the pronunciation is slightly different. It’s “Kath-ryn” and not “Kath-er-ine.” So I decided to be the name I was given, and I made this known. My family, bless them, accommodated this. I expected them to be the slowest to change, since those who’ve known you longest have the hardest time changing. But in fairly short order that’s how they referred to me and continue to this day. Sometimes they call me Kath — but never Kathie. And you know what? I’m not a Kathy, however it is spelled. I am Kathryn. It suits me.

    One intense pet peeve is when people, upon meeting a person, ignore the name given and shorten it into a nickname. I will correct people who call me Kathy after I’ve introduced myself as Kathryn. And though I do prefer my spelling, I am forgiving of other versions, as there are about 2,000 ways to spell my name (slight exaggeration).

  2. When I was nine years old, I had a love affair with Christmas — in July! Seriously. One summer I filled a composition book — you know, the one with the black and white marbled cover — with drawing after drawing in pencil of various Christmas-related scenes. I drew a manger, scene. I drew me sitting in my pjs on the sofa by our tree. I drew wreathes, ornaments, and bells. I wrote out a wish list for Santa. And I even, that summer, made Christmas decorations from construction paper. I still have all this packed somewhere in a box. Yep, I’ve loved the Yule season since very early on.

  3. The summer I was five we camped near the Sault Ste. Marie river. My father brought us to the beach. My two older sisters (11 and 12 years old) were in the river farther out. They were jumping up and down and waving at an enormous tanker that was heading for the Soo Locks. That ship created quite an undertow. I was mimicking my sisters, waving madly, and was unaware of the undertow until is swept me into a drop-off. Suddenly I was under water, and I could not swim. Everything happened fast and all is a memory of confusion. I remember the sunlit water, feeling surprised at where I ended up. Maybe I breathed in once. But before long — seconds really — I was yanked up by my eldest sister. The next thing I remember is standing at the edge of the beach crying, feeling scared, wanting my father and mother. Just think… you might never have encountered this here weblog, if my sisters hadn’t noticed what happened. The next summer I learned to swim, and guess what? I learned first by swimming underwater. Most kids fear that and learn it last. But I wanted to control whether I went under water, so I chose to learn underwater so I could do that.

  4. I was raised a Roman Catholic. I was a sincere believer and very diligent in attending church. I even thought about becoming a nun. I wanted to be a priest for about five seconds until I killed that thought, seeing as how it had no chance in coming true. But still, I wanted to be more involved in mass, so I became a lay reader of scripture. In Catholic mass, the lay readings are usually a passage from the Old Testament and one passage from the New Testament, but never a gospel. Gospels are reserved for priests only to read. In any case, at age 14 I was tired of listening to old white men droning as they read. I wanted the scripture to come alive to the listeners. So I became one, and I felt that when I read I made a contribution, however small.

  5. I’ve eaten a dog biscuit. It was a game of truth or dare with three girlfriends. I was in my late 30s and had never played truth or dare. It was a sleep-over with these other women, who were all in their mid-20s. (We’d become friends through work, and not long after we parted ways.) I was a reluctant participant. There was a question asked of me that I felt was just nobody’s business, so I took the dare. Let me tell you this: dog biscuits are dry and tasteless, much as I think sawdust would taste. I ate the whole damn thing and choked down a glass of water, and yes, I kept it down. Ugh. After that I decided I was way too old for such games; give me Trivial Pursuit any day.

And there you have it. Now you know five things you probably didn’t know before. You are welcome to play along if you like. Leave a link in the comments if you do. There are some folks I’d like to know more about, though: Laurel, Shirley, Leah, Gerry, and Donna. But the more the merrier!

On The Way To The Library

On The Way to the Library

Two oily crows play chicken with idling cars
at the traffic light. Inches
from a tire, the birds jackhammer
gray pavement for a smashed tidbit.
This is their only task,
to eat six times
one’s weight every day, even
if that meal sits on a four-lane
boulevard. One crow grabs
a prize hunk and rises
with helicopter wings, landing
on the crosswalk light.
The other pecks and pecks again,
unaware of the thrumming metal
bull looming next to it.
The light changes. I drive past.

Visitor From Afar

Yesterday I had a first-time visit with my mother’s cousin (which makes him my second cousin, yes?). He had come from Alaska, where he’s lived over three decades, to visit another relative in Berkeley regarding family genealogy. He’s a frequent visitor to and commenter on this blog, and we’ve been corresponding for a couple of years. So it was a joy to flesh out the relationship literally with in-person conversation over tea. We talked four hours: about family history, life, God, science, death and the possibility of existence after. You know, just a few light topics. He’s widely read and an information maven as I am. He also spoke encouragingly of my quest for a child. I can use all the positive interaction as possible around this. It’s rather nice to hear someone assert that my wish can come true.

On his way back from L.A., where he’s gone to visit another relative for the weekend, he’ll come for another visit Monday in the afternoon, and Husband and I will host dinner. Then he heads back to Alaska the 12th.

Someday I’d like to visit Alaska.

You never know where life will take you… At 23 I had no clue I’d be living in California (nor a desire to). I never imagined I might go to Europe (which I did) or visit a relative in Alaska. So I’m left to wonder what type of interesting and fun things I’ll be doing at 63 that just don’t occur to me now.

When you look back, are you surprised at the turns your path has taken? What are some things you’ve experienced or are part of your life now that you’d never in a million years have imagined for yourself?

Art Every Day Month – Day 28

art everyday month 06 - day 28 - mask

“Mask” / Paper mache with beads and embellishments

This is also my piece for Illustration Friday. This week’s theme is “Invention.” We invent masks to wear around different people: the hard worker at the job, the clever conversationalist at a party. Some of these masks are barely different from who we really are; they add a sheen to one’s self. Other masks completely cover one’s genuine self and present an elaborately different exterior.

Go, Writers!

This is a shout-out to my friend, Mapelba, who is participating in NaNoWriMo for the third year in a row. As of November 21, she has written 67,491 words, which exceeds the 50,000 word goal. I’m amazed, truly, that people can conjure stories out of the ether. I’ve read one of Mapelba’s manuscripts and could not put it down. Her first chapter for this year also grabbed me from the start. Way to go, woman!

Another Blog To Play With

I attended my last tutor training session today. We shared our experiences meeting with our learners and discussed ways we can proceed. In the process we learned that one of the program directors recently created a weblog, though she’s unfamiliar with the technology. It’s an infant blog right now, but it has potential. I spoke up and said I’d be interested in helping to develop it, write posts, increase readership, etc. This is my first “plug” to launch the blog. It’s regionally focused, but the intention is to make it relevant to anyone interested in literacy issues.

Literacy Tutor Connection

Veteran’s Day

graves in national cemetery, bath, new york

This is a photo of graves in the national cemetery in Bath, New York. I took it last year in September when I went to visit my folks.

These veterans are lined up in death as they were in service, except for headstones that stand at attention on their behalf. My paternal grandfather is a veteran who died in World War II. I wrote about him last year, and it’s worth a reprise. Please do read it, if you didn’t last year. In this way he will be remembered just a little bit longer.

Awesome Tool

If you love to read, and if you love not having to spend money to read books, then visit WorldCat Beta. It’s the world’s largest library network. If you search for a book, it will tell you what libraries near you have it. This saves the effort of having to look in each library’s online catalog. You click on the book in the WorldCat list and it takes you directly to the library’s online catalog. This works for music, videos, and articles as well. The entire world of books is at your fingertips.

The Meaning of Life (Non-Monty Python Definition)

The World Doesn’t Want to be Saved.

The world is a teeming mishmash of cultures with a bewildering array of values and ideologies engaged in their own version of the good life. People are generally not interested in changing the metaphors through which they view the world, so real understanding between groups with conflicting viewpoints is not achievable in the short term. The good news is, that’s OK, because the world isn’t supposed to be saved on a global scale. It must be saved at the level of the individual. And despite the fact that the level of the individual appears to be statistically insignificant, it is in fact the most significant, because it is only at the level of the individual that a creative synthesis of conflicting metaphors can occur. Once a connection is made at the individual level, the process of spreading successful new metaphors throughout society is essential automatic if the society is ready for them. If the society is not ready, the new metaphors will not be accepted under any circumstances. So don’t beat you head on a rock. Solve your own interpersonal communication problems. If the world is ready to benefit from your solutions, you will not be able to stop it from using them.

—The Meaning of Life

Just some food for thought. What are the metaphors we use? Read on.
Continue reading →

Unpucker Your Heart

My horoscope from Rob Breszny.

Is your schedule too rigid to allow magic to seep in? Then mutate that schedule, please. Is your brain so crammed with knowledgeable opinions that no fresh perceptions can crack their way in? Then flush out some of those opinions. Is your heart so puckered by the stings of the past that it can’t burst forth with any expansive new invitations? Then unpucker your heart, for God’s sake.

—Free Will Astrology, week of 9/28/06

I’ve been feeling mighty puckered of late. It nags me, this awareness that I’m not kind inside my head. I mean this — I really, truly have a nasty, gnarly, judgmental, denigrating, callous aspect that is far more vocal than I would like. A couple of other statements caught my attention that I wish to enlarge, print, and plaster where I will see it. One I found at Jack’s Zen blog.

The three marks of an awakened life are presence, happiness, and kindness.

I agree that these are some of the marks. I also believe that happiness follows from kindness. My unkind thoughts indicate I’m not so happy and increase my unhappiness. One way to alter this is the consciously practice redirection of thought. Consciously regarding people with compassion lightens my soul, which nurtures happiness. Usually, when I am not present, I am thinking about an annoyance in the past, a worry about the future, or some other abstract construct about what life and people should or should not be.

Another passage caught my eye; it’s in the “about me” section of a blog that’s new to me, True and Useful.

I once read in a Buddhist text that we should aspire to speak only what is true and useful. Of course, what is true and useful for some might seem dishonest or of no value to others. Still, it seems worth the effort to pass our never-ending stream of thoughts through a true and useful filter before expressing them as spoken words.

And what if we apply this filter not only to what we speak but also to what we hear and read? How much of the information that bombards us daily is both true and useful? Does much of it seem either true but of dubious value or appear to be helpful but turn out to be false?

Fortunately, I do manage to apply a filter to my speech much of the time. I’ll give myself props for that. However, what I’d really like is to avoid manufacturing those thoughts completely. Also, I think applying this filter to what one absorbs is a worthy idea.

Back to Free Will Astrology. Breszny followed the horoscope with a “sacred advertisement,” and I rather enjoyed it. The ones that intrigued or resonated most are bold.
Continue reading →

Thoughts On the Moment and Declarations of Purpose

Comfort: coming home after dark and settling onto the couch to the feel of warmth that was created by sleeping cats.

Anticipation: wandering through the library book stacks knowing that every single one is mine to borrow and read, thousands and thousands of potential journeys.

Joy: singing silly songs, telling puns, and generally being weird with Husband in a way that only he is privileged to know, and making him laugh.

***

Night arrives fully by 7:00 p.m. these days. Dawn is gray and cool, sometimes foggy here in the South Bay. We’ve turned the corner of a season. This change is gradual, but there is always one day in each season that the realization is palpable and prominent to me.

***

In the next week or so I’ll get a blood test that will assess my hormone levels (FSH, Estradiol). On October 18 we’ll visit the doctor to discuss whatever the results are. What we decide to do will be based on this and further conversations between us, so there’s no more to say on that topic at the moment.

I’ve been feeling sad about my imminent departure from the agency. Three of my four fellow AmeriCorps are renewing, and four new AmeriCorps have been hired (the team increased from five to seven). Soon I will be training my replacement and letting go of my tasks and duties. I’ll cherish the relaxation that follows, but I’m also anxious about becoming bored and lonely. Without a schedule or purpose, without being required by someone somewhere, I tend to get lost in my head. The more alone I am the more unsocial I feel as well as lonely, and then my lethargy increases. This is not the life I want.

I recently had an epiphany about my direction after the service term ends October 31. You see, all my life I’ve felt plagued by the fact that I’m interested in so much and want to advance so many causes. It really has made it difficult for me to define and articulate what I want to do and to search for work. And there were many times that I took work I didn’t want because I just needed an income. Eventually I clarified my goals and became a psychotherapist, but the move to California required sacrificing this.

My year at Hands On Bay Area has given me connections, and it also created my little epiphany, which is this:

The overarching theme throughout my life, the one thread of interest woven through the years, is a devotion to formal and informal education – primarily reading, writing, and soaking up knowledge. The causes I donate the most money to are literacy and libraries. I’m a seeker and an information hound. I am pained to know that so many people do not find pleasure in reading. The average adult native English speaker reads at the sixth grade level. Non-native English speakers average at the fourth grade level. While these next words may seem extreme (it’s an indicator of the passion I feel), I would dare to say that learning – in all its facets, with all it entails – is the most important human pursuit after survival needs are met (note: I consider affectional bonds part of survival). I want my next phase employment to be in the education sector. (My Dad would be proud.)

Even as stated, this is still a broad canvas. It could mean a job in a government education office creating policy, work in a social service agency providing job search or computer training, being a teacher’s aid in an elementary school, working for a public library. But the bottom line, for me, is that I want to devote my efforts to igniting curiosity, promoting creative and critical thinking, and helping people to acquire that most essential key to success, literacy. If I’m lucky, I’ll inspire a passion for reading as well. As I ponder this more, I feel I will want to work in direct service rather than administration. I don’t want to become a school teacher, which requires yet more costly education. There are other ways to promote the life of the mind, and I intend to find them.

As much as my kids tested me to the limit when I worked as an education coach in an after school program, I adored them too. As a treat I read aloud The Phantom Tollbooth (and gave each student a copy as a reward for trying). Whenever I finished a chapter, I was bathed in a chorus of, “Read more, teacher! Please read us some more!” It made me happy to give this pleasure, and I felt sad knowing how uncommon an experience this was for them.

How does this coincide with the efforts to start a family? Well, at the very least I can explore volunteering at several non-profits. So far what has caught my attention are a read-to-children volunteer program at San Jose Public Library, and conversation ESL group work through the Santa Clara City Library. I may also become a literacy tutor. Lastly, Hands On Bay Area offers several projects that contribute to literacy: ESL conversation, organizing a children’s library, story hour with kids at a library. There’s a way to keep my hand in the game. Out of this, perhaps a job will arise. Meanwhile we’ll keep exploring the fertility/family planning issues.

Here’s another way I can keep myself engaged with life. I recently attended service at the Palo Alto UU Church and liked it. I’ve been on their community mailing list for over a year. When the call came to help by baking cookies for The Opportunity Center, I eagerly answered. There are many needs that I could assist with in the church. They also don’t have a program that I would be interested in developing (offered at other churches) – a lay listening ministry. Also (but wait, there’s more!), one of the adult religious education classes starting soon caught my attention, and I decided to register*. I feel ready to delve into this community.

*Class description follows: Continue reading →

Belief and Certainty

Both the faithful and the atheists need to keep in mind the difference between belief and certainty. It is possible to believe there is a God or that no deity exists, but this is not the same as being certain. There is much about the origin and scope of the universe that we may never know for certain. I have no problem with any religion as long as it remains about belief rather than absolute certainty. Belief is compatible with respect and tolerance for other beliefs. Certainty is an arrogance that leads to intolerance, disrespect and, all too often, terror and war.

–Ray Sachs, Newsweek: Letters

So, What’s Up?

I haven’t felt much like writing or web surfing. The days, as usual, have been busy.

First off: I’m looking for a therapist within 15 miles (in any direction) of Santa Clara. Do you know of one (LMFT, Psychologist) you’d recommend?

I’ve been seized by a desire to clear out my closets of clothing I haven’t worn for 7-10 years and never will again, since they don’t fit. Goodwill has been nearly a daily stop.

This left a void in my closet. I decided my short, fat body deserves nice clothes. I am now the happy owner of seven pairs of new pants (jeans and dressy), two dozen shirts (I got carried away), cool socks (more than I care to admit), lingerie, two cardigans, and several lacy, feminine nighties. I’ve tried to be budget conscious as I’ve hit Walmart, Kohl’s, Mervyn’s, Target, Lane Bryant, Macy’s, Nordstrom, and Sears. (Whew! Yes, did go to all those stores in one week.) Now I simply need the cool weather to arrive! With today’s high being 91F I don’t know when that will be.

This is what I’ve been up to:

  • Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, another of Aaron Sorkin’s creations, debuted last Monday. I was hooked — that man can write snappy dialogue.
  • I read a short novel, considered a classic, by Wright Morris. It was Plains Song: For Female Voices. It was spare and beautiful, as I imagine Nebraska to be, and as were the lives of women who pioneered the land.
  • I bought several volumes of poetry by Ted Kooser. I must have a crush on Nebraska, since he’s from there as well. The books are Weather Central, Sure Signs, and Flying at Night.
  • I rented and watched a movie I’d never heard of and was dubious of its quality, and I am so glad I did! If you’re interested in period pieces, you must see The Libertine with Johnny Depp and John Malkovich. The discussion of why and how this movie was made I found equally fascinating. It made me want to go read up on John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester. Libertine reminded me of a movie Malkovich acted in long ago, Dangerous Liaisons. Wilmot also reminds me of the Marquis de Sade in that his poems and plays were incredibly bawdy. If they had been contemporaries I wonder if they’d have been friends?
  • Hands On Bay Area launched online orientations! No more need to sign up, wait, then drive to an orientation. It takes only 15 minutes online, and then your account is activated one business day later. No muss, no fuss. Easy peasy volunteering!
  • I spent a lovely afternoon with my co-workers last week painting with watercolors on envelopes. We are doing this for a non-profit that will use them to send out funding requests in their direct mail campaign. If you live in the South Bay and you’re interested, I’m leading two projects doing just that. With new orientation, it’s not hard to get involved. And it’s fun!

Now pardon me, I have another rental movie to watch: Road to Perdition.

The Glow of Us

Lighter than flesh, the soul is the glow of us.
The soul is the particular glow that the genes make when they make.
It’s the soul that stands the body up and gets it moving forward.
Every body’s soul is on a journey.

–Dennis Downey, We Never Go Away

Thanks to Fran for leading me to his thoughtful words. Like Fran, I recommend you read the entire piece, but moreover, listen to the recording. His voice is distinctive and is part of the meaning.