Love doesn’t come with a contract
You give me this I gave you that
It’s scary business
Your heart and soul is on the line

–Radney Foster, I’m In

Yesterday I heard this song for the first time in awhile, and it made me happy. It’s the kind of song that champions life. Sure, engaging love is scary. You might give it and be spurned by the intended recipient. There’s risk of injury. Yet the potential for reward is equally breathtaking.

There was a time in my life when friendships were quite transient. I’d moved to Austin — away from family and life-long familiarity — and got involved in different activities, meeting new people but finding they would drift out of my life. I was attentive and nurturing, but the effort wasn’t reciprocated. I recall wondering if something was wrong with me that might explain why these people were so uncommitted.

For awhile I was also tempted to lament the situation as being more evidence of our too-fast, overly mobile lifestyles in the U.S. While it may be true, focusing on this put me at risk of becoming bitter and cynical.

So I decided to reframe the way I perceived love. I imagined love in the form of an ocean — boundless, with high and low tides. People — like the tide — may come and go, but love’s ocean remains. When I felt alone, I focused on remembering that my life would be full of love and connection again, that this too was temporary.

Thinking about love in this way reduced my fear and neediness. This, in turn, allowed my true self to shine through, which then attracted more people to me. My life now is quite full of love — a life partner, family, and friends. I realize the secret to keeping love is in holding lightly, experiencing the relationship fully in the present, and being willing to let go when the time comes.

Last week over lunch with David Nunez (a local technology advocate and robotic multimedia artist), the topic of personality tests came up. Personality theory is an interest of mine, and I idly commented to him that I might write a post about it. As I continue reading The Stone Diaries (a novelistic study in personality if there ever was one), this passage struck me with quiet affection for the worlds of people that fiction carries us into:

This last was his favorite; there were turnings in the story that filled the back of his throat with smarting, sweet pains, and in those moments he felt his wife only a dozen heartbeats away… It astonished him, how these books were stuffed full of people. Each one was like a little world, populated and furnished. And the way those book people talked! Talk, talk, they lived in their tongues.

–Carol Shields, The Stone Diaries (1993)

The question of who we are and how we come to be ourselves lies at the core of our existence. Some folks are curious and want to consider the mystery, while others not prone to self-reflection (affectionately known as navel-gazing) prefer to be and do and journey through life, taking it at face value. Neither is better than the other. But often, I think, we become frustrated and judgmental of those who are not like us. “If only he would be prompt!” “She has her head in the clouds too much.” “He’s got a soft touch, people take advantage of him.” “She’s so flighty.” We think that life might be much easier if only our beloveds were more like us.

Personality theory and tests have gained popularity in the past decade: the Myers-Briggs, the Keirsey Temperament Sorter, the Ennegram all have helped people understand their differences. However, that’s only part of the equation. Knowing how we are different doesn’t resolve our frustration with the disparities. Indeed, sometimes people misunderstand and use personality typing as a competition, trying to find what type is “better” than the others. But the point of personality theory is to help us empathize with that other who is unlike us. If sincere effort is made to value the contribution that person makes because of her personality traits, and if one tries to see the world as that person does, one more step is taken toward improving relationships.

I’ll use a personal example. My Myers-Briggs personality type if INFJ. My boyfriend’s type is INTP. (If you don’t understand what the letters mean, not to worry. I’ll provide links momentarily.) The last letter of each type pertains to the decision-making aspect of personality. J standing for Judging (not judgmental) and P is Perceiving. People who score a high J tend to be schedule-oriented, organized, on time, future-focused, planners, fast decision-makers, and feel more comfortable after making a decision. Those who score a high P are typically spontaneous, autonomous, live in the moment, have trouble making decisions and put them off, seek more information, and are more laid-back about time, often late. Put a strong J and strong P together, and that’s a recipe for friction.

When we began dating, there was a good deal of tension between me and the Beau in this area. He thought I was uptight. I thought he was inconsiderate of my time. He said I couldn’t relax. I told him he was irresponsible. Oy vey. But then something happened. (Well, not as suddenly as that sentence suggests.) We got tired of griping at each other; we decided to stop judging and wishing to change each other and made a conscious effort to appreciate those qualities that drove us around the bend.

Gradually, I came to realize that being on time wasn’t imperative. The world wouldn’t end if I was a few minutes late. The weekend became less about nagging and crossing off tasks on my to-do list and more about playing. Similarly, the Beau made an effort to be more aware of time, to call if he was running late. I learned from him the value of shopping around rather than going to one store and impulsively saying, “Okay, I found something I like, let’s be done with it.” With patience, sometimes you can find an excellent deal. In turn, he has come to understand that gathering more data can be a way of stalling because one is fearful of making a mistake. Or that opportunities can be lost when one has a casual attitude about scheduling. We recently mused how nice it would be to see The Flaming Idiots’ last show (they say they’re retiring). I coordinated communication among our friends and booked the tickets — just in time, since the show was nearly sold out when I called, and was totally booked shortly after. We still have rough edges around that part of our relationship, but we understand and accommodate each other more, now that we’ve come to value — and love — the differences.

There is much more to say on the topic of personality, but I’ll save that for another day. If you want to learn more, you might check out the:

Keirsey Site
Enneagram Institute
Personality Pathways
9Types.com
C.G. Jung Page
Ennegram Notepage
Personality Page
Gurdjieff Links
Skeptic’s Dictionary for MBTI and Ennegram

Have fun and remember these are theories — not carved in stone. They are ideas intended to guide us toward understanding human nature.

From time to time most of us aspire to episodes of timelessness, if that isn’t a contradiction in terms. Parents look at their children, or we look at our parents, and there is a horrifying thrill in how rapidly they change, a thrill that makes us want to stop time, as much for ourselves as for them. There are days so beautiful, so productive, so happy that we would like to fix them in our minds for good as the prototype of all days — while knowing that what makes those days so memorable is also the fact that they slide past as if by their own momentum.

Between the Years – New York Times, 1/1/04

Happy New Year! I hope your holidays brought some joy amidst all the chaos. Here we are, full of hope and resolution to improve ourselves. What is it about the turn of the calendar every 12 months that causes us to aspire to change? A more logical new year would be one’s birthday, actually.

In any case, I didn’t make any resolutions. Nope, not a one. I’ve decided, this year, to apply the concept of intention. (Yes, I know what they say about intentions, but I’m not playing.) I believe there really is a difference. A resolution feels like a declaration — a promise to deliver — with expectation turning to disappointment and judgment if it is not fulfilled. Who wants to start a new year with guilt?

Intention feels different. I’ve identified what I would like to do this year and will use this list to keep me inspired. The issue of whether or not I do them isn’t paramount. If I slack off, there is no sense of failure. I’ll just remember my purpose and return to fufilling my intentions as best as I can. (This is similar to meditation. When you notice yourself thinking, the point is not to castigate yourself for failing to keep an empty mind. That’s a distraction. You simply notice that you’re thinking and then return to meditation.) This way, I’ll fulfill my intentions to some degree and not fritter away NOW with self-recrimination. Sounds a lot more fun, don’t you think?

Aaron is on the bima, speeding through the final brachot after completing his Haftorah portion when a warm flush starts at his toes and spreads, opening like a feather fan, to the top of his head. Suddenly, every particle of him is shimmering. He can sense each part of his body, down to each hair on his head, but at the same time feels he is one fluid whole. Though his mouth keeps moving, he is no longer focused on the prayers before him. They have become body knowledge, so deeply ingrained that they flow as naturally as air from his lungs. Aaron can sense the approach of something larger, a sea swell building up to a huge wave. Then, in a moment so intense Aaron has no idea he is still standing, it hits.

Every person in the room becomes part of him. He can suddenly see the temple from forty-six different perspectives, through forty-six pairs of eyes. He is linked. He feels the theme and variation of forty-six heartbeats, the stretch and release of forty-six pairs of lungs, the delicate interplay of warm and cool air currents on a congregation of arms, hands, and faces. For one breathtaking moment, Aaron is completely unself-conscious. He feels total acceptance and total love.

–Myla Goldberg, Bee Season (2000)

As defined at Mysticism in World Religions, “Mysticism is concerned with the nature of reality, the individual’s struggle to attain a clear vision of reality, and the transformation of consciousness that accompanies such vision.”

Here are some other sources on mysticism:

• Mysticism Resources
• Defining Mysticism
• God Consciousness
• Alaya: Inner Essence