What She Said

It has never been easy for me to understand the obliteration of time, to accept, as others seem to do, the swelling and corresponding shrinkage of seasons or the conscious acceptance that one year has ended and another begun. There is something here that speaks of our essential helplessness and how the greater substance of our lives is bound up with waste and opacity.

–Carol Shields, The Stone Diaries (1993)

I’ve just begun reading The Stone Diaries, and the above passage grabbed my attention. It correlates with an awareness I experienced last night while I attended a meditative dance. During the dance (I was the one dancing), I felt alive, sinuous, vibrant, and joyful. This was accompanied simultaneously by a wave of sadness, or grief, for all the years, months, days, and minutes that I have allowed to pass without notice. It is not grief that they are gone. I feel grief for not having appreciated and lived them fully. I look back over the expanse of my life, knowing there were many hours spent dully staring at a television, fretting over debt, escaping through daydreams, stewing with boredom at menial jobs, feeling trapped and powerless. I also recall moments of joy, expanses of ease, and the lightness of being. I wish they consisted the majority, but alas, they don’t.

This is the process of awakening, of becoming fully present. I shall just keep waking every moment I can remember to. Bit by bit, I’ll end up being here more often than not.

Explore posts in the same categories: Humanities

3 Comments on “What She Said”

  1. Cheryl Says:

    &quot:I look back over the expanse of my life, knowing there were many hours spent dully staring at a television, fretting over debt, escaping through daydreams, stewing with boredom at menial jobs, feeling trapped and powerless."

    Wow! That pretty much describes what I came to realize in the last 18 months or so – and have made improvements on.

    I enjoy reading your site – and enjoyed your personal site too when you had it available. Many of the links and information you provide about mindfulness, taking care of yourself, mental health, etc. have been helpful to me in my quest to understand the depression I was in for about 7 years – for which I sought treatment for in January last year and am in a *much* better space.

    Thank you, Kathryn.

    -Cheryl

  2. Kathryn Says:

    Thank you, Cheryl, for taking the time to comment. I had often seen your url in my referrer logs and wondered. A some point I tried to link, but I couldn’t connect (needed a password or something?). Anyhow, I’m really glad you find the site helpful and that you wrote.

  3. Cheryl Says:

    In July last year, I moved the password-protected private site to a different place and created a public site at the formerly private URL. You can visit anytime at http://www.pixelsintime.com/journal/.