It has never been easy for me to understand the obliteration of time, to accept, as others seem to do, the swelling and corresponding shrinkage of seasons or the conscious acceptance that one year has ended and another begun. There is something here that speaks of our essential helplessness and how the greater substance of our lives is bound up with waste and opacity.
–Carol Shields, The Stone Diaries (1993)
I’ve just begun reading The Stone Diaries, and the above passage grabbed my attention. It correlates with an awareness I experienced last night while I attended a meditative dance. During the dance (I was the one dancing), I felt alive, sinuous, vibrant, and joyful. This was accompanied simultaneously by a wave of sadness, or grief, for all the years, months, days, and minutes that I have allowed to pass without notice. It is not grief that they are gone. I feel grief for not having appreciated and lived them fully. I look back over the expanse of my life, knowing there were many hours spent dully staring at a television, fretting over debt, escaping through daydreams, stewing with boredom at menial jobs, feeling trapped and powerless. I also recall moments of joy, expanses of ease, and the lightness of being. I wish they consisted the majority, but alas, they don’t.
This is the process of awakening, of becoming fully present. I shall just keep waking every moment I can remember to. Bit by bit, I’ll end up being here more often than not.
