Last week over lunch with David Nunez (a local technology advocate and robotic multimedia artist), the topic of personality tests came up. Personality theory is an interest of mine, and I idly commented to him that I might write a post about it. As I continue reading The Stone Diaries (a novelistic study in personality if there ever was one), this passage struck me with quiet affection for the worlds of people that fiction carries us into:

This last was his favorite; there were turnings in the story that filled the back of his throat with smarting, sweet pains, and in those moments he felt his wife only a dozen heartbeats away… It astonished him, how these books were stuffed full of people. Each one was like a little world, populated and furnished. And the way those book people talked! Talk, talk, they lived in their tongues.

–Carol Shields, The Stone Diaries (1993)

The question of who we are and how we come to be ourselves lies at the core of our existence. Some folks are curious and want to consider the mystery, while others not prone to self-reflection (affectionately known as navel-gazing) prefer to be and do and journey through life, taking it at face value. Neither is better than the other. But often, I think, we become frustrated and judgmental of those who are not like us. “If only he would be prompt!” “She has her head in the clouds too much.” “He’s got a soft touch, people take advantage of him.” “She’s so flighty.” We think that life might be much easier if only our beloveds were more like us.

Personality theory and tests have gained popularity in the past decade: the Myers-Briggs, the Keirsey Temperament Sorter, the Ennegram all have helped people understand their differences. However, that’s only part of the equation. Knowing how we are different doesn’t resolve our frustration with the disparities. Indeed, sometimes people misunderstand and use personality typing as a competition, trying to find what type is “better” than the others. But the point of personality theory is to help us empathize with that other who is unlike us. If sincere effort is made to value the contribution that person makes because of her personality traits, and if one tries to see the world as that person does, one more step is taken toward improving relationships.

I’ll use a personal example. My Myers-Briggs personality type if INFJ. My boyfriend’s type is INTP. (If you don’t understand what the letters mean, not to worry. I’ll provide links momentarily.) The last letter of each type pertains to the decision-making aspect of personality. J standing for Judging (not judgmental) and P is Perceiving. People who score a high J tend to be schedule-oriented, organized, on time, future-focused, planners, fast decision-makers, and feel more comfortable after making a decision. Those who score a high P are typically spontaneous, autonomous, live in the moment, have trouble making decisions and put them off, seek more information, and are more laid-back about time, often late. Put a strong J and strong P together, and that’s a recipe for friction.

When we began dating, there was a good deal of tension between me and the Beau in this area. He thought I was uptight. I thought he was inconsiderate of my time. He said I couldn’t relax. I told him he was irresponsible. Oy vey. But then something happened. (Well, not as suddenly as that sentence suggests.) We got tired of griping at each other; we decided to stop judging and wishing to change each other and made a conscious effort to appreciate those qualities that drove us around the bend.

Gradually, I came to realize that being on time wasn’t imperative. The world wouldn’t end if I was a few minutes late. The weekend became less about nagging and crossing off tasks on my to-do list and more about playing. Similarly, the Beau made an effort to be more aware of time, to call if he was running late. I learned from him the value of shopping around rather than going to one store and impulsively saying, “Okay, I found something I like, let’s be done with it.” With patience, sometimes you can find an excellent deal. In turn, he has come to understand that gathering more data can be a way of stalling because one is fearful of making a mistake. Or that opportunities can be lost when one has a casual attitude about scheduling. We recently mused how nice it would be to see The Flaming Idiots’ last show (they say they’re retiring). I coordinated communication among our friends and booked the tickets — just in time, since the show was nearly sold out when I called, and was totally booked shortly after. We still have rough edges around that part of our relationship, but we understand and accommodate each other more, now that we’ve come to value — and love — the differences.

There is much more to say on the topic of personality, but I’ll save that for another day. If you want to learn more, you might check out the:

Keirsey Site
Enneagram Institute
Personality Pathways
9Types.com
C.G. Jung Page
Ennegram Notepage
Personality Page
Gurdjieff Links
Skeptic’s Dictionary for MBTI and Ennegram

Have fun and remember these are theories — not carved in stone. They are ideas intended to guide us toward understanding human nature.