I thought I was doing well. I thought that knowing about PPD meant it wouldn’t happen to me. I even felt a little smug about this. I thought the fact that my depression is in remission and managed with medication meant I was immune.
But since Claire caught a cold (increased need, fussing, major screaming, increasingly colicky behavior) and my mother-in-law left, and since I’ve been taking the early shift (arising at 6 a.m. and caring for her during her most alert time of day), and because I find myself in physical pain to hear her crying, today I took a deep dive. Postpartum blues is a common problem that subsides about two weeks after giving birth. It manifests in frequent, prolonged bouts of crying for no apparent reason, sadness, and anxiety. Rest and extra household help are usually enough. However…
When you are afraid to take your baby in your arms because you fear you cannot appease her, something’s wrong.
When fears of your baby dying arise even though she’s healthy, something’s wrong.
When you experience mostly anxiety and very little joy caring for your infant, something’s wrong.
When you scream at your husband to fuck off because he’s trying to calm the screaming baby for you and said no to your request to let you try because he’s trying to give you a break, something’s wrong.
When you tell your husband to go to hell and repeatedly say fuck you before raging down the stairs and out of the house (for a walk because you can’t drive yet), something’s wrong.
When you want to lash out physically at someone (I didn’t do it and the urge was targeted at Husband, not the baby), something’s wrong.
When you take a nap and upon waking wish you didn’t have to wake up, something’s wrong.
When you cry and cry (whether it’s hysterical sobbing or rivers of tears quietly coursing down your face), something’s wrong.
When the following idea makes the tiniest bit of sense to you:
When a woman with severe postpartum depression becomes suicidal, she may consider killing her infant and young children, not from anger, but from a desire not to abandon them.
something most definitely is wrong.
I’m not suicidal or about to hurt anyone else at this point. But I am frightened by what’s happening in me.
Tonight Husband drove me to Purlescence with Claire so I could be among my women friends. It was a tonic to be there. They cooed over Claire and were empathetic while I sat and cried. I brightened up over the hour, and laughed. I got some advice. I left feeling more solid. (Soon I will be able to drive again, probably next week.) Husband and I plan to have more outings — to see friends at their home for supper, to go to the bookstore.
I will also call my OB tomorrow to see what she recommends. Maybe I just had a Very Bad Day, but I think it is crucial to act so it doesn’t turn into postpartum depression.
I’m doing the late shift tonight to see if that helps me. Claire will be fed soon (’round midnight) and then at 3 a.m. and Husband will arise at 6 a.m. while I sleep until noonish. Claire sleeps more at night. She’s asleep in my left arm right now. I’ve typed this entire post with my right hand — and I’m a leftie. Aren’t you impressed?
One last thought: I adore Claire. I love her beyond measure or comprehension.
More info on Postpartum Depression:
Postpartum depression is depression that occurs soon after having a baby. Some health professionals call it postpartum nonpsychotic depression.
- This condition occurs in about 10-20% of women, usually within a few months of delivery.
- Risk factors include previous major depression, psychosocial stress, inadequate social support, and previous premenstrual dysphoric disorder (see premenstrual syndrome for more information).
- Symptoms include depressed mood, tearfulness, inability to enjoy pleasurable activities, trouble sleeping, fatigue, appetite problems, suicidal thoughts, feelings of inadequacy as a parent, and impaired concentration.
- If you experience postpartum depression, you may worry about the baby’s health and well-being. You may have negative thoughts about the baby and fears about harming the infant (although women who have these thoughts rarely act on them).
- Postpartum depression interferes with a woman’s ability to care for her baby.
- When a woman with severe postpartum depression becomes suicidal, she may consider killing her infant and young children, not from anger, but from a desire not to abandon them.
Ouch! I’ve never been a Mom, so I don’t feel quite qualified to comment here, but I do appreciate your very real honesty about these feelings you are going through. Bravo for your willingness to share them, and I am quite impressed that you typed the entire message with Claire asleep on your left arm! Do keep us posted, and thank you again, for the deep honesty. Joyce
Sounds like you’re doing the right things. I hope you feel better soon.
Oh honey! It’s so good that you’re aware of this though, and vigilant about keeping it at bay. Good for you for taking action, and I’m so glad that you were able to get some socialization in – so often with depression we first retreat inward, and you getting out to be with the knitters is definitely good medicine.
I’d honestly call you and offer to swing by today, but I’ve got this awful cold and don’t want to spread it around. Just know that I’m here thinking about you, okay?
knowing what’s going on is an important first step and it sounds like you are doing all the right stuff. ***hugs and love***
My mother suffered from PPD, and we both turned out all right in the end. Mothering is hard and it is not always the sweetness and light we all think it should be. There are not the support networks that many women used to have but there is a lot more pressure to “get it right.” You are loved. You and you with your fears and angers are loved. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Talk to your doctor. Remember, every mother in the world has screamed at her husband (partner, helper, nearest target) out of the sheer desperation of make-my-crazy-nerves-go-away-make it stop!
But you are loved and lots of positive thoughts are coming your way.
K, Depression and myself are lifelong friends…the kind of friend who is more like an enemy or a monkey on your back that you just can’t entirely shake off! I’ve been treated in one way or another for depression since I was a teenager. You would think being pregnant after all the time I’d wanted a child, I wouldn’t have had any issues. Not so! I had depression issues the ENTIRE time I was pregnant as well as afterwards. Now, in my case, it was hard to say whether the cause was hormones or the combination of external issues with my baby’s father and the hormones. In my ninth month, I started taking Celexa. After a rocky fall last year, my meds were upped a bit (even while breastfeeding) and I’ve been able to maintain an even keel for the most part since then. No that you would need to do the same, but perhaps it’s an option. If you ever need to chat, please let me know! I’m available via email and Yahoo! IM (briendah).
Brave, smart, bold you for staying mindful about your state of being, new role as a mother, and for reaching out for help with the possible onset of PPD. Hope you find the right psychologist to help you and your husband get through this time. We’re all with you, Kathryn.
((hug))
Why tomorrow?
Why don’t you call your doctor RIGHT NOW?
Okay, I’m a day late and a dollar short as usual.
I didn’t realize I was reading yesterday’s post.
Still, I do hope that you consulted your physician today, K.
I’m concerned. Get help. Please?
You are NOT going crazy—just remember that. 🙂 PPD or no, having a baby is totally NEW and a major adjustment. Let’s not even talk about the LACK OF SLEEP! haha! {{{{hug}}}}
I suffered severe post natal depression after the birth of The Ragazzo
It is entirely normal and can be treated
(repeat to self until the fears subside)
I tried to struggle alone, that was a big mistake
Seek help, support, the company of good people
and above all, be gentle with yourself