This month’s challege is to “embrace the mistakes, love the ugly bits.”
You are looking at my legs: chunky, sturdy, burdened with fat. They are scarred, dimpled with cellulite, and generally under-appreciated.
For many years I hated my body, especially my legs. When I was in 9th grade, I had a severe crush on a 12th grader. I was friends with his brother, an 11th grader, and confided this. This “friend’s” response was blunt: “My brother thinks you have a fat ass.” (And still I hung out with this guy!) Prior to that comment I had not felt consciously bad about my body. I had not dieted, nor had I fallen into obsession with weight. That comment literally changed everything. I spent the rest of my high school years feeling as though I had buttocks that were grotesquely large. I hated my curves. I wanted longer legs. And you know how much I weighed? Throughout high school I was 5 feet 2 inches and weighed at most 125 pounds. In my junior and senior year I dieted severely and began running and using laxitives. Sometimes I would binge on cookies and Snickers. My weight was as low as 118, and I continued to think that I was fat. I wanted to weigh 110. I never made it.
In my twenties my weight climbed, first to 130 until I was about 22, after which I reached 160 pounds. The summer I turned 25, I decided to try the rotation diet (not a bad diet if you can stick with it and use it properly). I also began running daily, up to three hours a day, because I was incapable of moderation. In a period of 12 weeks, I lost 25 pounds (my goal was to get to 125). I looked great. I felt great. I found a boyfriend. And then one day, I fainted in a mall. The doctor tested and found me anemic. His advice? “Eat more meat.” That was it. And my boyfriend, eager to take care of me, began feeding me huge weekend breakfasts. I didn’t own a car at this time and walked a lot, so the weight mostly stayed off for a couple of years.
When I moved to Austin, my weight crept up to 160 again and stayed there. This was okay by me. I worked out in a gym. I was flexible and strong. I wore size 14 jeans. I felt pretty good about myself. Then an elderly man who’d become a friend in a grandfatherly sort of way one day told me (after he’d had me as a guest for dinner), “You know, Kathryn, you’re pretty. If you lost 20 to 30 pounds, you might find a boyfriend.” If he’d punched my stomach, the effect would have felt the same. I was hurt and angry. I told him so. He apologized, but the wound remained. And his comment keyed into my fear that maybe it was true, that I would never meet a man who would want me whom I would also want — all because of my big fat ass.
At the end of my graduate program, I was talking with my advisor on the steps of a campus building. He was an older fellow, perhaps in his late 50s or early 60s. I had admired and liked him. For some reason, he felt compelled to suggest that I try whatever the fad diet that year was (I think it was Atkins Metabolife). He’d done it and he felt great! I was so pretty; I’d be even prettier if I were just a bit thinner… I was galled by his suggestion. It didn’t hurt as much because I was getting to a point of accepting myself more. I still found it insulting.
At another event I ran into a man I was acquainted with from a church I’d since left; he too was in his late 50s. His first words: “You look great. Have you lost weight? You look like it.” (I hadn’t lost weight.) I wanted to reply with, “Actually, no, I haven’t lost weight. I’m as fat as ever, thank you very much.” What was with these men?!
In 2000, my weight soared to over 200 pounds. This happened shortly after I met my husband. (He, by the way, loves me as I am. He wants me to be healthy and happy with my body, regardless of the number on the scale.) I dined out more often, ate larger portions, and drank more wine. I also stopped exercising. My husband is not very active, and being around him connected me with my inner couch potato. I’m not blaming him! I’m simply noting that I have a streak of laziness in me that proximity to another sedentary person had activated. It’s my responsibility to take care of my body. In the past couple of years I’ve made effort to work out more and lose weight; I’ve had limited success. Part of it may be aging — my metabolism is getting slower. Recently joining a gym has helped. I’ve enjoyed the variety of machines.
In 2003, the evening before Thanksgiving, I took a walk in my Austin neighborhood. I was thinking about my clients and my private practice when a pickup truck pulled up to the stop sign nearby, and a male voice yelled, “Only a husband could love those hips! What a fat ass!” Then they turned the corner, their hoots of laughter fading. I was the victim of a drive-by insult. And yes, that hurt.
We live in a fat-hating world. Women hate fat. They hate themselves. I went to the beach with some friends in 2000. I was at my heaviest, but I was okay with it. After all, I was with my girlfriends. Why not wear a swimsuit and have some fun? One friend who weighed only 116 pounds would not take off her shorts, because she was ashamed of her “fat legs,” even around three of her close women friends. How sad. When I commented that I weighed almost twice as much as she did, they all protested, saying, “You’re not fat!” O fercrissakes, quit lying to my face. Wait, you’re right: I’m not fat, I’m obese. Most men hate fat on a woman, too. Based on my experience, they’re more “honest” about it. Perhaps I should find that refreshing? Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world where weight wasn’t at the forefront of most peoples’ minds?
I’m not happy with my body in its current state. I ache too much, my muscles are weaker, and my balance suffers. I used to be sturdy — not skinny, not fat, but solid. Coordinated. Consequential. I want my power back. Forget 125 pounds. Forget 145 pounds. If I were to get back to the weight I was at in 1999 — 160 — I would consider that a success. Until then, I’ll keep trying to love the “ugly bits.”
Pah. Those men are all scum. Yes, our society hates fat – it’s a visible thing they can poke fun at. People who do that are just acting out from their own insecurities. Women are vulnerable because we’re just supposed to take it when people make those comments. I usually tell them it’s none of their business and they are rude to comment.
Everybody has some of the divine inside – which is what I try to notice. In fact that is just what is was thinking this morning as I watched all my sleepy coriders on the 6am bus.
I have struggled with weight gain in the past. I have to weight myself frequently to make sure my eating habits don’t cause the pounds to creep up.
Having lived with extra weight and without it, I have to be honest about the effects of it. If I were heavy I couldn’t enjoy the active parts of my life so much – backpacking into wilderness, riding bicycles, dancing. Those things bring me such happiness and joy. And they are exactly why I am so adament about controlling my weight.
– Jim
i’ve become less concerned with my weight over the years, but finding the balance between being more relaxed and still finding the motivation to keep my body strong is tough. i thank you for sharing your story and the bits you consider ugly. you’ve inspired me. xoxoxo
My weight has been slowing climbing for the past ten years or so. I come from a family of overweight women, and even when I was a thin little girl they would tell me that I would be heavy one day. What an awful thing to tell a child. Now that I am at my heaviest (175 lbs), I feel oddly happy with who I am. I don’t want to loose weight, but I do want to be in shape. There is a big difference.
wow — ouch! people can be astounding in their lack of thought or caring, exactly when they think they’re being nice.
I understand the dangers of the co-sedentery spouse. I put on 10-15 pounds after being stable for ten years, and am afraid it won’t stop there. to make it worse, my spouse is a good and frequent cook, so I eat more (and better) than ever. how to balance living your life with protecting your ability to live it healthily is a nontrivial question…
hang in there, and wiggle those toes!!
When people lay hate on you its important to remember that is exactly what it is, HATE.
Screaming insults at you for being a fat woman is no different from screaming nigger at a black person. Its hate, hate that makes the hater feel powerful and more in control of thier own place in life.
Just dont do what most people do, internalize that hate as intense personal shame.
I believe most of the shouting-insults-from-cars groups are most often male and young, while the snickering-just-within-earshot groups are most often female and usually young. It is about bonding with the other people in the group. But I have observed that the stronger attitude and body language one builds, the less of such targeting happens. I think it’s a mild version of predators picking out the weak or injured animal from a herd. For a long time I steeled my self to be ready to give the one-finger salute to anyone yelling rudely from a car (based on appropriateness of course–I would not do that if they appeared to be armed). My semi-martial attitude, and willingness to make prolonged, strict eye contact with people who stare, appears to have warded off many. As I grow older (57) and larger (about 300 pounds) I have found fewer problems from this. So there may be some sexual frustration on the part of the yellers that makes a younger large woman more vulnerable. Hang in there and enjoy what you do have–including an appreciative spouse)!
Ah, I can sure identify with how you are feeling right now. Ironically, my own body image problems began similarly, but I was too thin. I got razzed all the time. I was 5 foot 6 and weighed about 106 when I married in 1958. My all-time high was a few years ago at 192. Fat people–thin people–any people that don’t look like movie stars–are discriminated against. What we Americans think is beauty is different some other place. I’m so glad your husband is so appreciative of you as you are. You are one lucky woman as the men in my life after my marriage broke up ragged on me about weight. This photo is bold, fearless–and I congratulate you on it. And, you know what? It’s sexy, too.
Wonderful post, Kathryn. You are my hero. (hug) 🙂
brave post – thank you! i’m not skinny or fat, particularly, but i am large, and i struggled hard with body image problems and an eating disorder when i was younger. one of the things that helped me put it all behind me for good was to stop thinking about my numbers. i happen to be very tall, which made my weight seem out of proportion as compared to that of others of average height. i remember the day in sixth grade when the topic of our weight came up among a group of girls. i was the only one weighing over a hundred pounds. this was a darn good thing, as i was five foot six at the time, but i felt large in a bad way for the first time in my life. when i threw out my scale about fifteen years ago and stopped weighing myself, that bit of perceived reality fell away from my awareness. now when a doctor wants to know what i weigh i tell the nurse i don’t want to know, stand on the scale backwards, and block my ears just to be safe. it helps me tremendously to go only on how i feel.
best wishes to you on this leg of your journey (‘scuse the pun)!
You are beautiful and anyone who suggests that losing a few pounds here or there obviously misses out on much of the beauty that surrounds them. As you know, I’ve always been thin. I don’t do anything to be thin, it’s just whatever it is, and yet when I go to the beach I don’t want to wear my swimsuit either. I think that hearing all my life how other women struggled to lose weight, that losing those few puds would get them a boyfriend, made me wonder what was wrong with me when I was thin and I couldn’t get a guy to hold my hand, much less ask me out. My logic was–if they aren’t asking me out and I am thin, then I must really be ugly. I’ve certainly never forgotten the boy who told me that he wanted to ask me to prom but wanted to take someone who “would impress his friends.”
Anyone who has to insult another soul on this planet for doing nothing more than enjoying a walk down the street must lead an ugly life. And even as I say that I still believe I’m a girl who will never impress a man’s friends, and I hate that it matters to me.
love you! What a box you’ve opened here!
Are you sure those are your legs? Cause they look actually like mine. In fact when I turned 39 I vowed NEVER to wear shorts again! I live in the South so imagine the suffering. Last year I changed my mind and said screw it and put back on the shorts. You are a champion in my eyes! Thank you for telling your story.
I hope those pick-up truck guys trip over their beer bellys.
I cant even pinpoint why, but your entry just made me so happy. Comforted, I guess is the word. I have way too many skinny friends, I think, who just dont get it (or they do, and it terrifies them so much that they dont want to admit to getting it). Thank you so much.
wow, thanks for telling your story. I tell ya, men never cease to amaze me. What’s wrong with this culture that we socialize men to be such asses and we socialize everyone to hate their bodies, especially those with more body to love and especially wimmin. Screw the dieting and the weight loss, you are beautiful. All that matters is you feel good about yourself and your body. Any man that would date someone only if they lost 20 pounds is a prick that deserves to live alone.
Hi,
I just found you through Alas – great piece! It reminded me of a couple things in my own life. I used to get that “you’d be really pretty if you’d just” alot, although with me it was “put on make up and do your hair”. Never did develop an interest in either:)
In my junior year in high school I got up to around 170 pounds (I think I was around 5’8″) and my mother once looked at me coldly and said “just don’t gain any more weight”. Thanks mom. These days I’m around 145 and almost 5’10” (very strange for a woman, but I had two growing spurts in my early 20’s.) I’m definitely affected by that undercurrent of “I’m better/more attractive if I’m thinner” that runs through our culture, although I’ve been focusing on health a bit more than weight lately, which is good. I’m also luckily in a relationship with a man whose aesthetic runs a little heavier than my usual weight. That balances my inner demons nicely!
And then I thought of my friend Kelly. She’s tall and big, (technically she’s probably obese I guess) round, beautiful, confident, more comfortable in her body than anyone I know. When we were in our twenties, we went to visit a male friend in his seventies. (I’m not sure if/how the ages are relevant, but anyway). His niece was serving everyone cake, and when she got to Kelly, he said “Now just give Kelly a little piece, she’s trying to watch her weight.”
Watch her weight? I couldn’t think of anything she’d be less interested in doing. I don’t know what size piece she would have wanted, but I was absolutely livid with him for presuming. And speaking. She’s also an extremely easy-going person, and dismissed the whole thing immediately, within her relaxed head. I still can’t look at the guy.
ps- I think your legs are beautiful:)
This is a wonderful post. This week I found that I was unable to face myself on this month’s theme. I’m beginning to realize that I’m being to hard on myself and need to get over it.
Your legs look strong. They are what hold you up and move you through the day–everyday. I guess sometimes we forget the many amazing things our bodies do for us. How can we not appreciate that?
I think you are a beautiful human being, and always will be regardless of your weight. Health – inner and outer – is a great goal to strive for, and in my mind a lot more productive than being a particular size. I wish you health and well-being out of caring for the person you are, and that includes love and acceptance. Some people will always find something to be mean about, whether it’s too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, too pretty, too smart, too dumb, too whatever. That’s just them being ugly – you know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?
It’s amazing to me how many people commented on this post- and that there are so many of us out there who have had this shared experience of having to deal with other people’s biases/rudeness/ignorance/hatred about our weight.
You are brave and beautiful to share this photo and your written words. Thank you.
. . . wow . . . what a powerful piece . . . so loaded for so many of us . . . will we ever find peace inside our own skins? I’m with you . . . I just wanna feel healthy and clean and strong . . . 🙂 Big hug to you . . . you are grogeous 🙂
Beautiful post. Clearly a beautiful human being. Your words are always awe-inspiring, but never moreso than at this moment. Peace to you, dear friend. And THANK YOU for reminding us that we are all beautiful, flaws and all. It is our flaws afterall that separate us like snowflakes in the wind.
Love this. Love it, love it, love it. I could have written it myself. The weights, the dates, every bit of it. And, as I contemplate yet another diet I happened to find my way here to your blog and was able to find humor in myself. A self portrait – you are far a head of me but thanks for leaving the breadcrumbs. I needed that. Wonderful writing and thank you for the light.
Kathryn–
Really got some serious inner pondering and meditation out of your self-reflections. I am in a similar situation — lost over 40 lbs two years ago, and was so happy. Now I have gained almost all of it back.
Alas alas alas . . . . . . woe is me ! !