When I make personal disclosures on this blog, I strive for more autobiographical vignettes attached to a broader thought or message, rather than writing as though in a diary. I have another blog for that kind of writing.

That said, I’ve made no secret of the fact that I manage to live with (around, despite) ongoing clinical depression. Years and years of talk therapy helped create insight as to part of its origins; it mostly taught me to be aware of symptoms and to be gentle in my self-assessment (one aspect of depression is a tendency toward rippingly negative thinking about oneself). Talk therapy is also what made me the counselor I am, possibly more so than the graduate courses.

On the other hand, I also take medication, and have for six years; it has helped immensely, and so I believe the depression has its roots in the physical as well as cultural/social. In other words, it’s not all my parents’ fault — it’s their genes’ fault! (Smile, please, that was an attempt at humor.) Medication therapy has its place.

I expected this transition to challenge my equanimity. What I wasn’t certain about was the degree to which I’d experience the undertow. Since my credentials are invisible according to the California Board of Behavioral Sciences, and I’d have to undergo training all over again — which I am simply not going to go through after five years of education and clinical training, an exam, and $60,000 — I’m at a loss. I had a private practice in Austin, but here I do not have the connections yet to establish one — and it would have to be as a “life coach” or other euphemism, without the cachet and seal of approval that official recognition (licensure) provides. Jobs I’ve seen require licensure, even for positions such as utilization management. I’ve kvetched about this here before.

The well part of me knows that it’s hard to reestablish onself, that it takes time, but it can be done. I simply need to put myself out into the world, tell people my vision, explore, connect, and trust that the right situation will arise.

However.

That’s the well part of me, the aspect of myself that shines when my life is mostly trundling along its course in other ways. Yet here I am trying to recreate a social network, a sense of place and home, a spiritual community. The loss of these things, along with the loss of professional qualifications (or at least my sense of them), along with the latent depression, are converging. I’m struggling to establish a routine, a vision, goals. I’m struggling with depression — or some of the symptoms. Significantly.

I know I will be all right. I know what is needed to take care of this. I just wanted to write about it (part of the process of taking care), to let my blog community know that I am grappling with this nemesis again. I am so grateful; my life is a gift. I feel vexed with myself that this crud covers my spirit, that I can cognitively understand I am blessed but still feel lost, listless, hopeless, sad. But there it is. I need some good vibes, folks, some prayers or encouragement or a job in my field (which includes counseling, coaching, teaching, academic advising, writing, librarianship, non-profit program management, and information management).

I am going to take tomorrow off. I shall go into San Francisco to have coffee and lunch with Tish. I’m heartened by this, as I think we have much in common. And just for fun, I’m posting in the extended entry the “flower picture of my ideal job” (from exercises I’ve done in What Color Is Your Parachute). In case you happen to have a job to offer (or know of one) that fits, or mostly fits, the description. Ideas, names of people to contact for information interviews, guidance on finding cameraderie in the job search are also welcome.

I am good at using these skills:

Writing about people and ideas perceptively;
Organizing information and concepts resourcefully;
Researching ideas inquisitively and open-mindedly;
Listening to, instructing, and being with people responsively;
Synthesizing information creatively; and
Problem-solving human-oriented issues assertively.

I would like to work:

• geographically in the Silicon Valley area;
• in a field defined by my favorite interests of: psychology, anthropology, writing, human services, religion & philosophy;
• in organizations having my favorite people environments: where I would work with people who like to enlighten, help, and develop people; who are analytical, curious, and like to learn; and who use intuition and creativity in their work;
• serving my favorite values of: bringing people closer to self-actualization; catalyzing change; growing in compassion; and listening well;
• working toward my goals of: facilitating human potential; providing counseling and guidance; and continuously learning and sharing my knowledge;
• with my favorite working conditions of: having a variety and depth of tasks with intellectual and creative stimulation; with a balance of people contact and thinking time; with a flexible schedule that gives me some autonomy; that provides a sense of accomplishment; and that has leadership which values and respects its employees;
• at this level of responsibility: in an organization where I can work as a member of a team of equals, with opportunities to work in tandem with another partner, and occasionally work alone on a project or as a consultant;
• for this range of salary: if full-time, $27,000-$60,000 annually, plus benefits; part-time or contract work is also acceptable.