She lies on her side curled into a C, tucked under a fuzzy blanket. Her body radiates fever; her wan face sports bright red patches. She moans every so often. She sipped a little tomato soup. Her head aches. It hurts to chew. A whine slips out. Everything hurts, sleep won’t come. “Please come sit near me, Mommy. Don’t leave.” I could be doing so many things: folding laundry, emptying the dishwasher, sweeping, even knitting. But I don’t. There is a sleepy comfort sitting here next to her, listening to her favorite lullaby CD on repeat. Keeping vigil, keeping company. The privilege of a mother.

Morning musing: “Original sin” is simply a phrase that speaks to our forgetting, when we are born, that we are part of the Mystery. The only “punishment” is the suffering we create for ourselves and others, because our egos have us believe we are separate and that “other” equals enemy. Redemption comes in the repeated practice of remembering our Origin, reconnecting with its presence in ourselves, and meeting the spark of that presence, the Mystery, that exists in everyone and everything.

An off-kilter day. I was scheduled to go to school and check in homework, and then make photocopies for the teachers. Homework was easy. The copies, not so much. I went through three reams of paper and ran out of paper for the jobs. The new fancy copier worked well until the toner disposal had to be emptied, and I discovered they had not ordered any cartridges. So it was out of commission. The other copier — old, rickety, unstable — worked well enough, but there was one job it couldn’t handle. I felt frustrated. So much paper! Worksheets, homework, activity sheets — stuff gets handed out, written on, and recycled.

Still, it kept me occupied the entire morning. I came home to a house empty of snores, purrs, and meows. I really miss Stella. So does Bean. I gave her the sleeping blanket I knitted for Stella shortly before Bean was born. While I made dinner she snuggled under her monkey blanket while hugging Stella’s.

As for me, I’m thinking of turning in early. Grief makes me cranky.

I get stuck in vocabulary ruts, and sometimes I need visual reminders of how to escape. I found this tip helpful and plan to keep it handy:

45 Ways to Avoid Using the Word Very

This.

This may seem like hyperbole, but singing like this — the lyrics, the music, the passion and love — makes me believe in God. (I thank my brother for giving me their CD; it’s all gorgeously sung.)

If the embed doesn’t work… here. And to see lyrics… Continue reading →

I know a lot of people who think global warming is a liberal myth and a conspiracy theory. (Makes you wonder who I’ve been keeping company with, eh?) The reasoning they use is that if it’s cold somewhere, then global warming is a fallacy. It’s an unsophisticated view of the complex weather systems created by the atmosphere surrounding earth.

We have been dumping carbon dioxide into our atmosphere for decades. It is having an impact. We are experiencing it right now. And the thing is, it’s too late. We have catalyzed enormous natural shifts that will shape our lives for the next century, and the impact will reverberate. There will be hardship. The good news is if we start implementing changes now we might be able to salvage our existence.

California is experiencing a serious drought. This is the second dry winter, and I dearly hope we get rain. I found this article at the Huffington Post interesting: Earth’s New Normal: Wild Weather 2014. And it’s just the beginning of the year.

In anticipation of my big 50 birthday in two weeks, I decided to go a little dramatic.

I really like David Attenborough, and I think the Vogel Cup Bowerbird is amazing – here.

I’m wrestling with my attachment to certain memories of experiences and my evaluation of the overall experience of the family system in which I grew up. And of course the more I attempt to detach, let it go, the more caught I am in the attachment. So this post is an effort to accept that I’ve created these attachments and am holding on to them.

The way parents interact with each other — communicate, resolve differences, express feelings — sets the tone for the family and teaches a perspective of the world to children. Children absorb all this as “normal” and assume that the world works the way it does in their families. What a shock it can be to discover that others behave differently!

What I learned growing up as modeled by my parents’ relationship with each other and their children:
Coercion
Manipulation
Aggression
Submission
Dominance
Punishment
Denial
Conditional affection
Control through fear
Terror
Pathological eating
Dishonesty

What they did not model is as powerful:
Negotiation
Equality
Partnership
Acceptance
Guidance
Problem-solving
Teamwork
Affection
Respect
Patience
Humility
Reconciliation
Praise
Unconditional love

What not to say to your child:
You are not my daughter (or son)! – Denial, Disownment
If you don’t shape up I’ll send you to a boarding school! – Terror, Threat, Abandonment, Punishment
You’re grounded until further notice. – Punishment

A short, brilliant day. Night draws around me, tucks me in. Ready for a long winter’s nap. No thinking. No mind. Just body, bed, and blanket.

Happy 4th birthday to my wonderful daughter!

I’ve decided I need new ways to make couscous dishes. Plain couscous is boring and tasteless. The boxed mixes are ridiculously expensive.

Fruity Couscous Salad

2 & 2/3 cups dry whole wheat couscous (or regular)
3 cups orange juice (or water, or a mixture)
1 cup packed dried apricots, chopped
1 & 1/3 cups dried cherries, chopped
1 cup of dark or golden raisins (or a mixture)
1.5 cup chopped dates (remove pits)
1 & 1/3 cups slivered almonds or chopped pecans, toasted
2 tsp. cumin
1 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. ground black pepper

Bring the orange juice/water mix to a boil and remove from heat; add couscous, stir, and cover for five minutes until liquid is soaked up.

Put the dried cherries and raisins in a container and cover with water, then microwave for one minute to soften. (Dried apricots and dates are typically soft enough.) Drain the cherries and raisins.

Put the couscous into a large bowl. Add cherries, raisins, chopped apricots, chopped dates, and nuts. Mix. Add the cumin, cinnamon, salt and pepper by sprinkling over the entire bowl. Mix thoroughly.

This tastes good just made, but it tastes especially good after it sits and chills awhile. It makes a large amount, so for smaller meals cut in half.

Makes 16 servings

Bean trying to whistle.

Today she is talking about her body being very powerful, and the color of her power is yellow. Her imagination inspires me.

Please also enjoy this — me at age 5, Bean at age 3

This is a perfect capture of Christmas morning:

A little later, this was the state of affairs:

It was a wonderful Christmas. It shall be a quiet New Year’s Eve. May 2011 bless us all!

To forgive does not necessarily mean to forget. Sometimes to forget is not wise, but to forgive is wise. And it is at times not easy. It can, in fact, be quite challenging. It will come as no surprise that one of the most difficult people to forgive can be yourself. Yet with patience and gentle determination, it can be done.

–Allan Lokos

A little drama today. I was cutting veggies for stew. The last veggies were onions, and they were eye-searingly potent. I’m also really sensitive to onions, and I usually ask someone else to cut them. Today it was just me. Husband had just sharpened the knives, and they were slicing nicely. Except I could hardly see. Bean was standing on the chair next to me watching. Then I did a really dumb thing.

I lifted my left hand while holding the knife to wipe my eye with the back of my hand. I lifted my right hand without thinking to wipe my right eye, and I managed to drive my hand into the blade. The pain was immediate and surprisingly strong. I cried out and rushed to the sink, but it didn’t really bleed. I knew then it would need stitches (it’s about an inch deep and nearly and inch long). And I don’t have a strong stomach for my own gaping flesh or blood, so immediately I began to feel faint. Meanwhile, Bean is asking what’s wrong, what’s wrong?

I sat on the floor and called Husband’s cell phone. It went to voicemail. We have a system. If he doesn’t answer and it’s an emergency, I’m to call immediately again. I did, and he answered. I began to cry and talk and tell him what happened. He asked if I was okay, and I said I didn’t need 911 but I’d need stitches, please please come home. Then I burst into huge sobs. Bean has never seen me cry like this before.

Husband left work. And here’s where moving to south San Jose has not served us: it’s a 24 mile drive. Had it been rush hour, it would have taken him at least an hour to get home. It was noon, so I was lucky in that. I lay on the floor, pulling myself together. Bean kept patting me on the arm and face and saying, “Oh, it’s okay Mommy. You’ll be okay. I love you, Mommy. I love you very very much.” I went into the living room and lay down. She said, “Read me a book.” I said I wasn’t up to it. She replied, “No! Read me a book! It might make you feel better to read me a book.” So I did.

Meanwhile, I called my neighbor to see if she could watch Bean. My good neighbor said yes, and proceeded to come get Bean and walk with her to school to watch her sons in the Halloween parade. Bean was anxious about leaving me, but she had a great time.

So we drove all the way back up to Mountain View, where our medical practice has an urgent care facility. We arrived at a good time; no one was waiting. And yep, I needed three stitches. We returned home about 3 p.m. and I went to pick up Bean. She proceeded to put “band-aids” all over my hands to make them better. Later on at dinner she took them off and declared my boo-boos were all healed. Then she wanted to see the stitches, so I showed her. I said it would take awhile for it to heal. She said, “But then it will really really really really be all better!”

It was quite shocking for her to see me hurt and crying. I think she’ll be digesting the whole incident for awhile. And it probably goes without saying that I don’t plan to carve a pumpkin for Halloween tomorrow…

The house is clean, presents wrapped, backyard almost set up (Husband’s job), balloons bought, rooms decorated, pizza ordered, appetizers prepped, ice purchased for the cooler, and most importantly, cakes baked and decorated! Bean asked for chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and cupcakes. (Cake decorating is not going to be my next profession, but it’s made with love and it’s colorful, so it’s perfect, right?) I made the cupcakes chocolate with tinted vanilla frosting. I’m a big believer in frosting. A piece of cake can almost never have too much.

The party starts at 3:30, and Bean can barely contain her desire for cake. It’s a great day!