For all shadow artists, life may be a discontented experience, filled with a sense of missed purpose and unfulfilled promise. …they are afraid to take themselves seriously. …Creativity is play, but for shadow artists, learning to play is hard work.
–Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way
For many, many years — it’s probably safe to say until I was 39 — my experience was exactly as described above. At times I wondered what was wrong with me that I could not be satisfied or experience contentment. I wondered why my life felt too small, and whether I would ever wear it comfortably. I advocate the idea that life is a journey, but for a long time I took little joy in it. I was just moving along because no place felt right, and I was doing all that I could (e.g., getting education that society said I needed) so I could get to the point where I could do the work I felt was right for me. During that part of my life I made it more difficult, because I attributed power to other people. For many years I felt I couldn’t aspire to be a therapist, because hell, I had so many problems, and I had depression. Fucked up people can’t be of help to others, can they? The Powers That Be certainly wouldn’t let me get that far. For a long time, I couldn’t even let myself get that far. But slowly I worked up my self-respect and dared to proceed. As for being a writer or artist, forget it! I wasn’t qualified to call myself those things. I wasn’t significant or accomplished enough. I felt I could not possibly claim to be a writer or artist because, well, I’d hadn’t gotten paid for anything I’d written or made. People would tell me I should try to get published and I’d recoil — who, me? I’d be rejected! (I still resist that. It’s just easier, safer, and more fun to publish the blog — a sure thing.)
This time, when I first read the chapter for week one I was somewhat disengaged, thinking yeah yeah, I don’t feel unsafe. And it’s true more than ever before. In past attempts with this book, I only got as far as doing week one, so I have prior notations in the text; from these I see the fears that held me no longer exist. More than ever in my life, I feel safe enough to play with creativity unapologetically. Somewhere along the way, a shift occurred. I underwent lengthy, grueling training to become a therapist. I confronted my biggest fears in my own therapy and practicum, my fears that I would be barred by Them from this profession I coveted. I began to see that the authority rests within myself; I have power. In 2002, I finally earned my license as a professional counselor. I discovered and began blogging. That fall I made my first collage. I began working as a therapist at the clinic and developed a sense of ownership over the identity of “therapist.” I didn’t need validation from others for this anymore. In 2003 I opened my own practice and it took off. Gradually through 2002-03, I decided that my passion for writing meant I am a writer, and my passion for making art meant I am an artist. I no longer needed the permission of others who I deemed better than I at this stuff. I realized it didn’t matter, that I have just as much right to claim those words for myself as anyone.
In 2002, I also read a self-help book called Wishcraft: How to Get What You Really Want; it contained a series of exercises intended to help with personal excavation like so many other books on personal development. There was one exercise, however, that I enjoyed very much and still cherish the results of.
It was exercise #6; I chose the first version, called Praise Be!. Because I could not sit in person with everyone I wanted to get feedback from, I adapted it. What I did: I sent an email to everyone I love and trust asking for their help. (I also did the exercise in person (as suggested) with one friend.) Each person’s task was to write down all the specific positive things they could think about me. They were to spend no more than three minutes describing exactly what is good about me. The person writing the praise was advised to avoid criticism, even if it was “constructive” or compassionate. Therefore, no conditionals such as “If you just did X you’d really [insert positive],” or “Some people might say you [insert negative], but I think [insert positive]. Only positive feedback worded positively! The recipient of praise is to graciously accept without rebuttal and without twisting it into a negative thought. Take the person praising you at his or her word.
The result was a document full of honest, soul-nourishing and sometimes surprisingly (to me) cool commentary about Me. I copied and pasted into a document the respondents’ email as they arrived. I reveled in the outcome. It felt like a verbal hug. I read their words over and over, printing off a copy to keep in my desk at work. I haven’t looked at it for a couple of years, and this is a good time to refresh myself. Even though some of these relationships are now defunct (friends come and go in life), the praise remains valid. The exercise came to mind because writing affirmations is part of The Artist’s Way process.
If you want an example, you can read the precious gift people gave me here. Doing this exercise and receiving other people’s support won’t puff you up or make you arrogant. It will help you love yourself in a real way, with new eyes.
As for me and the material presented in Week One… I could go deeper. I’ve come far, yes. Yet I resist taking myself seriously enough to attempt to get published — on paper, by a third party. I’ve been told my photography is quite good and that I could sell it, but again, I resist. What holds me back? Laziness? Probably. Fear? Probably. Lack of knowledge about how? Probably. There is healing to be done, work to do. However, I delight in the fact that I’ve come this far, that I have grown enough to claim creative play as mine to enjoy. I can read the following quote by Jane Wagner and laugh at the irony while knowing it doesn’t apply to me: All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.