We love Stella, our big black cat with enough personality to fill Texas and California.

In our Texas house, Stella used to sit outside the bedroom door in the morning, often beginning at 6 a.m., banging on it and meowing for someone to feed her. She would just bang and bang and bang. The bedroom door was loose, so it rattled. (Stella’s always hungry, no matter if we measure her food or free-feed her.) We used to get up and squirt her with water and go back to bed. Eventually she learned to run away as soon as she heard feet hit the floor, so that became useless. As a light sleeper, I’d try to ignore her as long as possible, until I gave up; I would toddle out of bed and feed her to shut her up. Sometimes my husband would get up and chase her downstairs to squirt her. He has no problem falling back asleep. As for me, if I chase her down, I may as well just feed her. He says that’s the problem. She is rewarded eventually.

So my husband was inspired to try something new. He stumbled across an idea another guy used — the vacuum cleaner, which in my cats’ view, is the arrival of Armageddon. He had a remote control device — the kind that supposed to be able to turn on multiple lights and other devices in a room by plugging things into it — and he attached the cleaner to it, setting it in the hallway beside the bedroom door. I had my instructions — when Stella bangs or meows, click the remote on for a second. Oddly, I felt a zing of keen anticipation when he set it up.

The next morning at 6 a.m., I heard the banging. I reached over, found the remote, and clicked. VROOOOOOOOOMMMM! Oh, the evil delight I felt! I drifted back to sleep. Then around 7:30 or 8:00, she tried again. Progress! She actually stayed away for a significant length of time. I hit the button again and smiled at the image of her dashing madly down the stairs. She did it one more time around 9:15, and I applied noise therapy again. Then around 9:40 or so, I decided just to get up. I was hungry and slept out. I went downstairs, where I was greeted with consternation, which rapidly transformed into happiness when ears were rubbed and treats proffered. All was well.

After she got the message, we didn’t need it anymore. When we prepared to move here, I recall a discussion whether or not to keep the remote device. We decided to hang on to it. Well, now. Bad habits have returned. We tried double-sided tape on the door (purchased at Petco) that deterred her for a few weeks. Patting the door brought her in contact with the tacky tape, which she didn’t like. Lately she’s decided she can handle that, though, and paws at the door, tearing off bits. And yowls. She has quite a repertoire of sounds, which are all very interesting and endearing — except when one wants to sleep!

So we need to re-introduce the Vacuum Cleaner of Doom, because she has taken to yowling at our bedroom door at odd hours — midnight, 4 a.m., 8 a.m., whenever — for food or attention. There is always food in the bowl. She gets ample love and petting. I’m a light sleeper, and the deprivation is taking its toll. She even penetrates my husband’s unconscious, and he sleeps like a stone. Tonight we dug out the device, the AAA batteries, and the cleaner. All is ready, and I’m looking forward to a solid night of rest. Picture me with a sly grin and imagine the slightly wicked chuckle I’m enjoying!