Emotional Parentification

Emotional Parentification is when a child is given the responsibility of looking after the emotional and psychological needs of the parent and/or the other siblings.

This can include the case where the parent begins to confide in the child, discussing their problems and their issues, and using the child as a surrogate for a spouse or a therapist. This kind of emotional parentification is sometimes referred to as “emotional incest”.

Physical or Instrumental Parentification

Physical Parentification is when a child is given the responsibility of looking after the physical needs of the parent and/or the other siblings. This can include duties such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, paying bills, managing the household budget, getting kids ready for school, supervising homework, dispensing medications etc.

Physical parentification is different from assigning household chores to children, which is a normal and healthy practice. Assigning chores becomes dysfunctional when it reaches a level where the real parent abdicates their own responsibility for the care of the children, where the task assigned is beyond the developmental maturity of the child or where the assigned duties leave little or no time for the child to engage in normal childhood activities, play, peer friendships, schooling or sleep.

—Out of the Fog

Adults parentified as children experience the following things:

• Fear that they cannot adequately meet their own expectations and demands
• Poor self-esteem
• A feeling of disconnection from their real self
• Feelings of incompetence
• Underestimation of their own intelligence
• Overestimation of the importance of others
• Shame, guilt, anxiety and depression
• Feeling like they’re still children, who can’t cope with being adults
• Taking on the role of caretaker
• Work addiction
• Codependency/Acceptance of too much responsibility

Also of value: The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment