I’m wrestling with my attachment to certain memories of experiences and my evaluation of the overall experience of the family system in which I grew up. And of course the more I attempt to detach, let it go, the more caught I am in the attachment. So this post is an effort to accept that I’ve created these attachments and am holding on to them.

The way parents interact with each other — communicate, resolve differences, express feelings — sets the tone for the family and teaches a perspective of the world to children. Children absorb all this as “normal” and assume that the world works the way it does in their families. What a shock it can be to discover that others behave differently!

What I learned growing up as modeled by my parents’ relationship with each other and their children:
Coercion
Manipulation
Aggression
Submission
Dominance
Punishment
Denial
Conditional affection
Control through fear
Terror
Pathological eating
Dishonesty

What they did not model is as powerful:
Negotiation
Equality
Partnership
Acceptance
Guidance
Problem-solving
Teamwork
Affection
Respect
Patience
Humility
Reconciliation
Praise
Unconditional love

What not to say to your child:
You are not my daughter (or son)! – Denial, Disownment
If you don’t shape up I’ll send you to a boarding school! – Terror, Threat, Abandonment, Punishment
You’re grounded until further notice. – Punishment