Kirsten very kindly took time interview me (as part of a meme that’s been making the blog rounds). Below are her questions and my answers:
- What are some of the obstacles (personal, financial, societal, etc.) that a person might have to overcome before seeking therapy? How can you help someone to resolve these issues?
In response to this question, I speak partly from personal experience, as one who “sat in the other chair” at one time. The personal obstacle most people face is the refusal to admit that one could use assistance. This is fueled by the societal stigma that suggests anyone having difficulty with her life and admitting it is confessing to a character flaw. We continue to see mental help as something for “broken” people. Who wants to be pathologized? So of course people avoid therapy. In my work I emphasize compassion and health. I normalize therapy — everyone has problems from time to time, and asking for help finding answers is not a crime; rather, it indicates strength of spirit.
This leads to the financial obstacle. Health insurance benefits do focus on pathology, and the companies are fairly invasive, wanting much personal information before they agree to pay. In addition, they don’t pay very much for services. This means many people decide to pay for services themselves. Some people truly cannot afford the standard fees, and for them there are non-profit counseling agencies (which are often very good).
The other problem, however, is that people tend to confuse therapy with friendship, and they don’t want to pay for what they think a friend would do. Only it is not a friendship; the therapist is more objective and does not have her own agenda. The therapist does not attempt to get her needs met through the client, a mutuality that is part of friendship. The therapist is highly trained and skilled to listen, reflect, confront, and empathize in ways that friends, however well-intentioned, usually cannot do. However, the emotional resistance is still there: “Why do I have to pay someone to pay attention to me?” I suggest that people consider paying for therapy as an investment in their well-being and future, as worthwhile an endeavor as paying for school, tithing at church, or supporting a charity. People are willing to spend money on “extras” for themselves (e.g., cable, music, movies, clothes, massages, the gym); once they decide that taking care of their mental health (which is also spiritual work) is important, the resistance is replaced by commitment.
- What aspects of your work do you find most fulfilling? Most difficult?
As a life-long student, I am fulfilled in that my work prompts me to continue reading, experiencing, and learning so that I can provide the best care; it is creative work. It is also fulfilling when a client responds enthusiastically, “Yes, exactly!” when I summarize what I heard; they feel understood, and this is often the seed of change. I am also honored to be entrusted with people’s revelations and precious selves.
The most difficult aspect of my work is handling the misperception people have about what I do. I don’t “fix” people. I am not “better than” my clients; I am a channel or vessel through which help moves. I have been specifically trained with skills that people need, but people have the answers within themselves; my task is to facilitate their growth. Also, there’s no such motive as altruisim. I do this work because I enjoy it and have a need to fill — to connect, to feel useful. At the same time, my responsibility is to never lean on a client to meet my personal needs. With the work so intensely personal, this means I must be vigilant about self-care and boundaries.
- What are some of the most important practical life coping skills that you help your clients to develop?
I help my clients to recognize deeply embedded thoughts and core beliefs which may not be serving them well, and to examine them with the questions, “Is this really what I believe? What evidence supports this as true?” (Humans tend to do a lot of “mind-reading” and predicting based on assumptions and not actual fact.) Then I encourage them to re-frame beliefs as a means of opening up possibilities. I help clients to learn what makes them unique and to enjoy their gifts. I encourage (by example mostly) my clients to have compassion toward themselves and others. I help them dare to hope and dream, to withstand the fear of failure and failure itself, and to learn that they can survive it.
- You’re actively involved with several local groups. What are some good ways for a person to get more involved in their community?
Take some time to discover your passions. For example, mine is writing, reading and learning. Therefore, I volunteer my time and donate money to organizations that promote literacy, learning, and public access to information. I also socialize with people who share this passion, such as participating in local book groups, or Bookcrossing.
I gain greater fulfillment when my socializing is intertwined with service or an activity that I really enjoy. This is because I meet people with similar interests, and the energy we generate nourishes me.
Lastly, learn to be your own best friend, to amuse yourself, and to enjoy time alone. If your motivation to be in community is driven by desperation to avoid being with and by yourself, you will probably not find the fulfillment you seek in others.
- Which are some of the mysteries of life that you continue to contemplate, and why?
I wonder what makes humans seek something greater than themselves, such as God, Nirvana, or the coming of a Messiah. I wonder if it’s just ego generated by self-consciousness (knowing we will die) that we make up God and afterlife, or if we’re on to something and that there really is something after death, something amazing that we just can’t grasp within these three dimensions. The why of it is that I’m immensely curious, though I’m in no hurry to satisfy this particular question.
Also, I wonder what makes Chinese food so darn tasty and why, after eating it, I am hungry not long after. I don’t have a hollow leg — I checked.