In one of our conversations before Claire was born, my mother told me there would come a day (many days actually) where I would need to forgive myself, because I am human and bound to do or say something mean to my child.

Yesterday was such a day.

It’s been a difficult week since she got sick. And my knee hurts worse now. It not only hurts to walk, it hurts to bear weight on it. In fact, it pulses with pain and radiates down my leg even as I sit here typing, and I’ve already taken 800 mg of ibuprofen at 12:30 p.m. for it (and at 6:30 a.m. too). And because I’m unconsciously trying to lighten the pain by shifting my body weight when I stand and walk, other parts of my hurt: my left heel (remnants of plantar fasciitis) and the big toe joint on my right foot (possibly the warning of an eventual bunion). Some of this is just due to getting older. Bleh.

I’ve got an appointment to see my primary doctor next week (Thursday morning) to discuss this and request a referral to one of the doctors I’ve researched. I want to see a specialist who is board certified and experienced.

It’s weird. The pain and debility comes and goes. The pain gets worse when I walk any real distance for a length of time. This makes a fitness plan impossible. It’s affected my mood.

Anyhow, Claire and I survived yesterday. I didn’t do anything horrible or that I find difficult to forgive in myself. I raised my voice at her for the first time to a decibel I rarely hit (and hurt my throat in the process). Then we both collapsed on the sofa, Claire lying on my belly, and fell asleep. A trip to the doctor in the afternoon showed no earache, no strep, no hand foot mouth disease, but she has a very red throat which will likely go away in about a week.

She’s likely to wake any moment, and I want a sip of my freshly brewed coffee…