I was a consultant on an article written for The Good Life magazine, which is an Austin-based free monthly. The article focuses on how single people can deal with Valentine’s Day. For inspiration, read on.

Single on Valentine’s Day? Cope, Don’t Mope!
How Singles Can Meet, Flee, or Celebrate Valentine’s Day

by Tam Thompson
Photography by Barton Wilder Custom Images

Last year, Hilary Apple’s Valentine’s Day turned from celebratory to sorrowful when the boyfriend she’d lived with and loved for four years broke up with her on February tenth. He had already accepted a new job in Virginia and the couple was in the process of moving-he went first and she was to follow. After he moved, they scheduled weekly phone chats and Apple was looking forward to “sharing” a bottle of Champagne with him long-distance on Valentine’s Day.

The week before Valentine’s Day, he didn’t call. “After a few days of not hearing from him,” Apple says, “I decided to call him.” She told him she’d been worried. His response crushed her heart. “He said to someone, ‘Uh, could you come back in a little bit?’ Then he said, ‘It’s over; we’re not compatible. Don’t call me anymore.'”

When asked about her boyfriend’s abysmal sense of timing, Apple explained, “He wasn’t really into the whole ‘holiday’ thing, so that didn’t matter to him. It was a very negative experience to say the least.” Apple spent the day of love crying her eyes out.

Lisa Lynam also found herself sans mate on Valentine’s Day last year, but instead of crying she chose “to celebrate in a special way by hosting a party and inviting people I liked to reaffirm the love in my life, which doesn’t have to be about just one person. It was really cold right then. In my apartment, I had a fireplace, so I thought about a ‘roasting marshmallows’ theme, then I thought, ‘ooh, chocolate,’ which led to s’mores.” She laughs. “And then a slogan occurred to me: ‘Single is more.’ Thus-a s’mores party!”

It wasn’t all easy camaraderie at the s’mores party. Many of Lynam’s guests were also friends of her ex-boyfriend, but unlike many breakups in which mutual friends are forced to choose between the estranged partners, Lynam’s ex’s friends stayed friends with her. “No matter what I’m doing or where I’m at, these wonderful friends’ acceptance and love doesn’t change just because I become single.” And she chooses her friends judiciously. “Trashing someone’s ex doesn’t show integrity. When they don’t do that, it gives you confidence that they’re a good person. Granted, there are a few topics that we didn’t discuss at the party-there were some boundaries-but it wasn’t about taking sides. It was about love.”

How was one woman able to smile and celebrate singlehood while the other suffered? Lynam credits time. Her two-year relationship had been over for two months by the time Valentine’s Day occurred. “I couldn’t have done it if we’d just broken up the week before,” she says. “It would’ve been too soon. As it was, at the party, none of us talked about relationships or being single. Having a theme of s’mores helped because it shifted the focus onto ‘what’s the least messy way to make these things and how do we keep the chocolate from melting out?'”

Psychotherapist Kathryn Petro of Mindful Life Counseling suggests a few other ways in which Valentine’s Day can be celebrated among a community. “Gather your single friends together for a night of fun: games, a movie, a potluck dinner. Give each other tokens of your affection for your friendship. Make chocolate-covered strawberries. Be silly together.”

And if you’ve been recently been burned, like Apple was? “Those feeling cynical might enjoy ‘trash talking’ romantic love and partnership. Then again, a less ‘sour grapes’ approach could be taken. For instance, one year I gathered with a group of friends and we each wrote a loving, affirming statement or poem on paper and put them in a basket. Then we each took a turn pulling one out and sharing it with the group.”

For a single person dreading Valentine’s Day, there are four main ways to cope:

1. Avoidance-Getting away from all the cozy couples and heavily-hyped candy and candlelight dinner themes.
2. Celebration-Daring to honor love as a single.
3. Mating-Trying to hook up with someone new so that you’ll have a date on February fourteenth.
4. Creating community-To take loneliness out of the equation.

Avoidance
Most introverts will probably want to avoid the honeyed hearts-and-flowers ambiance of places that cater to couples, such as upscale restaurants and greeting-card aisles. Instead, Petro suggests, “A mini-retreat at a spiritual center would be a nice way to spend quality time with oneself. Another idea would be to get a massage or spend the day at the spa. If company is desired, take a day trip with a friend to Lost Maples State Park or Enchanted Rock for some hiking.”

Or you could treat yourself to some special indulgences. Petro says, “I’m an advocate for giving oneself little luxuries we normally receive from others. I think women have more freedom and perhaps desire for this, such as buying flowers or exquisite chocolate. But I encourage men to treat themselves as well-no one needs to know you bought those flowers for yourselfÂ…Give yourself some indulgence you normally don’t take.”

Sometimes solitude can be about peace and freedom. If you buy yourself a dozen red roses, a Central Market-prepared dinner, and some Belgian chocolate to enjoy at home alone, no one’s going to tell you that you can’t just lay the flowers down without putting them in water, or that you can’t eat dinner in front of the TV in your pajamas, or not to chug milk out of the jug to wash down that chocolate.

Celebration
Looking back, Apple says she’s thankful her boyfriend broke things off last year. “He was always so unsure of things. If you can’t accept someone for how they are in the beginning, it’s not going to work. I still miss him to this day, but I’m such a better person now that we’re not together, so I thank him for that. I’m still single, but I’m okay with that. I really don’t have anything in mind for V-Day this year. I’d love to be taken out for a night on the town, of course, but we’ll see.”

Apple is moving in a healthy direction. According to Petro, “Another way to celebrate the holiday is to honor the person who will be with you all of your life: yourself. I enjoy reading SARK’s (Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy) books. In Succulent Wild Woman, she suggests marrying yourself. Create a small ceremony in which you promise to take care of yourself for the rest of your life. Write vows. Buy yourself a ring.”

SARK is the author and illustrator of eleven books, with titles such as Living Juicy: Daily Morsels for Your Creative Soul; I Promise Myself: Making a Commitment to Yourself and Your Dreams; and Eat Mangoes Naked: Finding Pleasure Everywhere (and Dancing with the Pits), which have collectively sold two million copies.

She describes herself as “a recovering procrastinator-perfectionist who practices what she preaches and lives in a magic cottage in San Francisco, California, with her ‘Fur Husband’ cat, Jupiter.” SARK’s education was in the areas of art and radio-TV production, and she appears periodically as a guest on National Public Radio. Her wit and wisdom turn up in odd places; for example, bottles of the 2001 “Portrait of a Mutt” Zinfandel blend wine produced by Mutt Lynch Winery ($15 at Whole Foods Market) sport the words:

Apply Dog Logic
To Life:
Eat Well, Be Loved,
Get Petted, Sleep A Lot,
Dream of a Leash-Free World.
-SARK

SARK’s advice may sound dippily selfish to some, but Petro says, “If you are authentic and truly love yourself, life will be lovelier. You will also be healthier and therefore more likely to discover a healthy person to share life with. Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, by Sarah Ban Breathnach, has wonderful suggestions on discovering one’s authentic self.”

Or perhaps you’re a quirkyalone, a term coined by Sasha Cagen, publisher and editor of To-Do List magazine and author of Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics (January 2004, Harper San Francisco). According to Cagen, quirkyalones are, “the puzzle pieces who seldom fit with other puzzle pieces. Romantics, idealists, eccentrics, we inhabit singledom as our natural resting state. In a world where proms and marriage define the social order, we are, by force of our personalities and inner strength, rebels.

“For the quirkyalone, there is no patience for dating just for the sake of not being alone. We want a miracle. Out of millions, we have to find the one who will understand. Sometimes, though, we wonder whether we have painted ourselves into a corner. Standards that started out high only become higher once you realize the contours of this existence. Still, there are advantages. No one can take our lives away by breaking up with us. Instead of sacrificing our social constellation for the one all-consuming individual, we seek empathy from friends. We have significant others. But when one quirkyalone finds another, oooh-la-la. The earth quakes.”

Mating
But what if you don’t want to avoid the couples scene, or celebrate singlehood? What if you want to be on the other side of the fence? What if you want to be part of a couple for Valentine’s Day? This is an age-old question and myths abound. For example, that you can meet someone at church (although churches probably don’t intend to be dating services); that personals ads are a sign of desperation (the Internet has brought personal ads up to a whole new level); and that you won’t meet anyone decent if you look like you’re looking (although this one may be true). There are droves of matchmaking services in the pages of magazines, newspapers, and on-line that are all too happy to take your money. So what’s the best way to meet someone?

Petro says, “While there is no general rule or formula, the age-old wisdom that you meet someone when you’re not looking seems to work. The ‘why’ of that is that I think a person who is full of life and not exuding desperation is vastly more attractive. Also, even if that attraction doesn’t result in meeting someone, you still enjoy your life.” After all, enjoying life and celebrating love is what Valentine’s Day truly celebrates.

Giving some thought to what you want in a partner is another thing Petro recommends. “Identify the values and traits you cherish the most, then make the commitment to yourself that you will only seriously engage in courtship with those who closely match your most important wants. While there is no perfect man or woman, it’s important to consider whether you will compromise on the issues of religion, having children (are you willing to stepparent?), financial management, and whatever character traits you value, such as following through on promises, thrift, sense of humor, degree of patience, etc.”

Many of the larger on-line dating services use computer algorithms to provide clients with a list of potential matches ranked by compatibility percentages in various areas of life, and testimonials on these sites abound.

As always, you should use caution when meeting with a stranger, even if you’ve “talked” with them via e-mail; meet them in a public place and make sure someone knows where you’re going and who you’re meeting.

Petro cautions, “The search (for a significant other) can feed desperation, and a person who feels this way is likely to enjoy life less. In addition, an active search-such as joining a dating service or responding to personals-can feel like interviewing for a job. Serendipity does not conform to expectations. Since love is usually an accidental discovery, I tend to think that organized, purposeful searches for it cause the seeker to miss the point of being alive.”

The message? Don’t look like you’re looking. Most people don’t find desperation attractive. Go about your life-working, playing, celebrating, and creating-and let love find you.

Creating community
Loneliness on Valentine’s Day can be thought of as a symptom of a larger issue: the lack of belonging to a community that lets you know that you are loved and valued. “We are social beings,” Petro says, “and all of us need to know there is a group, however large or small, available to share our joys and assist us with our sorrows. Even the more solitary among us need community, although community is not necessarily synonymous with frequent in-person interaction. For the extroverted, however, more interaction is desired. With our population often fragmented by our mobility, the former styles of community-mostly neighborhood-based-have faded.”

In the book, Creating Community Anywhere: Finding Support and Connection in a Fragmented World, Carolyn R. Shaffer and Kristin Anundsen suggest the creation of networks focused on sports, crafts, or other interests. Support groups are another way of creating relationships, but Petro points out that, “this may not appeal to those whoÂ…prefer a group to share in life’s fun. Work can be a source of community, although this has its perils, since business and pleasure are mixed. Also, electronic communities are burgeoning. There are chat groups for hundreds of topics. Weblogs are wonderful sources for connection, especially for more introverted people who like to write.”

For bold extroverts, Petro suggests, “An even more radical way of creating community is to join together in sharing a residence with others. This can be something as simple as having a roommate, or it can involve participating in a visionary community, such as The Rhizome Collective.” The Rhizome Collective is in essence an urban commune, which is striving to become a demonstration of urban sustainability and a center for community organizing.

The Rhizome Collective defines itself as an “expanding underground root system, sending up above ground shoots to form a vast network. Difficult to uproot.” Members describe their goal as “working to build the world we want to live in, based on the values of cooperation, autonomy, self-empowerment, creativity, openness and mutual aid versus the values of competition, greed and exploitation upon which the dominant power structure relies and thrives.” Community participation is deemed necessary and central to the development of their vision, and they invite the Austin community to get involved with them.

Summing up
So if you find yourself single on the fourteenth, don’t let all the red sweaters, heart-shaped candies and dinner plans of others make you feel inadequate. Get away from it all, either alone or with a friend, or throw a s’mores party. If you feel the need for a mate, start putting yourself into whatever community feels right to you: runners, quilters, medieval reenactors, musical theater fans, sailors, or whatever you’re interested in. And for the five percent of you who fit the definition of quirkyalone, you might just find comfort and solace in reading up on your personality type and getting to know yourself better. After all, you can’t truly love others until you love yourself.

Tam Thompson has not celebrated Valentine’s Day as a single since 1996, but still remembers having no qualms at all about dining out by herself and is very much a quirkyalone. You may e-mail Tam at tthompson@goodlifemag.com.

Resources

• Enchanted Rock State Natural Area-Located near Fredericksburg. Camping, hiking and running allowed, but no horses or mountain bikes. 16710 Ranch Rd 965, Fredericksburg, Texas 78624 325-247-3903, http://www.tpwd.state.tx.us/park/enchantd/enchantd.htm.
• Kathryn Petro-Mindful Life Counseling. 12741 Research Blvd., Ste. 303, Austin, Texas. 78759. 512-468-8477. www.kathrynpetroharper.com.
• Lost Maples State Natural Area-In the Hill Country of Central Texas. Camping, hiking and running allowed, but no horses or mountain bikes. 37221 FM 187, Vanderpool, Texas 78885 830-966-3413, www.tpwd.state.tx.us/park/lostmap.
• Quirkyalones-Sasha Cagen, author of Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics, January 2004, Harper San Francisco, hardback, www.quirkyalone.net.
• Rhizome Collective-An urban commune located at 300 Allen St., Austin, Texas 78702. 512-385-3695 www.rhizomecollective.org.
• SARK (Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy)-The author’s web site is www.campsark.com/index2.php.
• The Internet Personals-This free web site has existed since 1994 and through it I met my husband in 1996, www.montagar.com/personals.
• The Real Guide to Dating Online-This web site provides a fairly extensive index of matchmaking and dating sites along with ratings and feedback of uneven quality, www.reviewonlinedating.com.

–Tam Thompson