I stayed up too late last night, until 11 p.m., and I woke at 5 a.m. I’m paying for it today. I’m heavy-lidded, weary, and feel like spun glass.

Today I don’t want to deal with Claire crying, so I’ll hold her whenever she sleeps, unless she is willing to go into the swing.

Today I don’t care if I should have tried to get her to go back to sleep at 6 a.m. to finish her night sleep rather than keep her awake until 6:45 when it was clear she needed to sleep, so that she needed what will be the first of many naps today.

Today I don’t care if the Las Madres play date from 1-3 p.m. at Central Park happens during Claire’s typical afternoon nap time; if I want to go, I will, because my sanity requires it.

Today I don’t care what dinner will be.

Today if Claire whines because she’s bored with her play gym and wants me, I will let her whine awhile so I can drink my morning coffee, or eat a snack, or check my email. (And guess what? The whining didn’t kill her. She self-amused for about 20 minutes, punctuating it with grunt-whines of frustration, before she really cried. And by then she was tired, so we read a story and I put her in the swing. Just because she makes that noise doesn’t mean I must engage her every single time.)

Today I don’t care if other people think I’ll raise a spoiled brat because I am not teaching her to sleep in her crib.

Today I will remind myself that Claire and I are not adversaries.

Today when I leave the room and Claire cries (I believe separation anxiety is beginning), I won’t rush through the task I’ve left her for to get back more quickly. Yes, I will allow myself to go to the bathroom without trying to force my body to go more quickly. (Sometimes I do bring her in with me.)

Today when I change her diaper, if I don’t feel like smiling and cooing and interacting, I won’t. If I cry instead, that’s okay. (I did cry earlier, and she didn’t seem to notice that I wasn’t doing our usual routine.)

Today I will eat when I’m hungry, and I’ll actually chew the food well before swallowing.

Today I will try to let go of the “supervisor” in my head and when I look into Claire’s eyes, I will settle into them and just be with her.

Today I don’t have to try so damn hard. So I won’t.

I thank dear Karen for taking the time to listen to me and help me give myself permission to play hooky today.