Husband came to bed at 3:30 a.m.; I awoke, and he told me he’d hurt his back. It’s the same muscle that I’ve been dealing with, the Latissimus dorsi. (That daughter of ours is gaining weight, and she requires many hours of holding and jiggling.) My back has been mildly better, but yesterday I carried Claire in the Infantino sling while doing housework, and when we got to the pediatrician’s office I sat down and the muscle spasmed again. It hurt like hell. I used ibuprofen, Icy Hot, and the heating pad all day.
Now Husband is hurt. He couldn’t get comfortable and was still awake when I arose at 5:30 this morning. He’s been doing all the lifting I could not, so what will we do? And I’m worried about him too. I don’t want him to be in pain.
—
Daunting responsibility + new baby + inexperience + two tired and physically compromised parents – local family – established close community = SCARED AND LONELY
—
Although we have friends here who are willing to help us, I commented last night to Husband that I feel lonely and vulnerable out here. Now that he’s hurt, I feel more so. There is something about family that feels more secure — if they live nearby. With friends it’s equally difficult to get beyond the feeling we are imposing. With family, there is an assumption that imposition is acceptable (whether that’s proper to assume, or realistic, is up for debate). I have the idea that local family assistance is easier because it is one unit, and members tend to communicate and collaborate. We have lots of friends locally, but they don’t know each other, and it’s up to us to speak up and coordinate assistance. When we barely know what day it is, that’s hard.
Also, local family means that they have their own homes and routines. Visiting family is lovely, yet it’s also stressful for everyone, because they are away from their own spaces and routines, and their 24/7 presence in our home is disruptive too. They also are unfamiliar with the city and have limited or no transportation, whereas if they lived here that would be one less concern (and one more way in which they could help by running errands). It’s also costly for family members to travel; we’re mindful of this effort on their part. It’s just that local family equals shared history and familiarity with geography that provides a valuable infrastructure to life. (This is an argument to join a religious community and become really involved, I suppose. That would be the Unitarian Universalists for us. But we need the support now, and it takes time to cultivate intentional family.)
I know we have resources. I know we are better off than many. Yet I feel, in this moment, rather sad. The nearest blood relative (to one or the other of us) lives 875 miles away — my mother-in-law, and she’s in China at the moment. (She’s willing to visit us anytime we ask once she’s back. Yet again, see above paragraph.) My sister-in-law from Austin is visiting in early November. We very much look forward to that. Now we just need to live through each day and it’s challenges until then. No self-pity party for us. I’m acknowledging the situation and my feelings about it — now it’s time for chin-up, stiff upper lip, positive thinking, and finding solutions.
Get on the phone and asked anyone to come over. I promise you this will help. It took me two months, but look, you’re a quick starter.
yeah, a lot of people wouldn’t find a couple of hours any sort of “imposition,” and it would probably feel like a precious jewel to you!
on the other hand, I know what you mean about family nearby. they’re even *more* excited to spend time with the little one, and can fit in an hour here or there (or some advice and venting) very easily, if they’re just across town. a long-distance visit might be nice, but not exactly relaxed or everyday.
use the resources you have; remember that you’d probably be flattered to be asked if the shoe were on the other foot . . . (and hang in there meantime!)
Hi Karen. Yep, I did do that after I read your comment. It turns out that Husband is functional. My friend was willing to come over after a work meeting, but we ended up managing fine. Just knowing I could call her and that she’d be willing helped a great deal.
ACM, so true — I’ve been asked before and loved being helpful. 🙂 I need to remember that others want to be this too.
When my friend’s son Jacob was dying, she asked me and another friend to help her coordinate ways for others to assist. Things she needed help with: light housecleaning, ironing, buying pick-me-up gift (balloons, flowers), bringing dinner, mowing the lawn, etc. She gave us her list of email addresses of friends and the schedule she’d wanted us to fill in. We emailed the list (whom we called Jacob’s Angels) and filled in the schedule after we got responses. Then one of us sent my friend an email reminder the day before about who was coming and for how long. If there was a change in my friend’s schedule, she called one of us and we relayed the message to the “Angel.”