In The Interest Of Clarity

I’m doing better but am still challenged.

A new wrinkle developed a week ago that adds to my challenge somewhat. I pulled a muscle in my mid-back (at bra strap level) that has been made worse by lifting and holding Claire. At first it was a cautionary ache. I moved somehow a few days ago that exacerbated it. Now when I move certain ways a shooting stabbing pain can make me gasp or even cry out. I saw a doctor for it last week and was told to stretch. Not helpful. I’m using heat and Ben-gay.

Of course this means I still can’t drive or lift the stroller or carrier. First it was the C-section, now my back. Husband is off work two more weeks and can extend another two if needed; beyond that I don’t know, and I’m trying to stay present.

Husband and I are exhausted. He was up all night with her and went to sleep at 7 a.m. Claire is in my right arm now asleep. Put her down anywhere (crib, bouncer) and she wakes up and soon fusses herself into a state of Great Upset. We know she needs holding; she’s not aware that she’s even a separate entity. Even if we hold her 12 hours a day that’s still a 50% reduction from what she had before in my cozy womb.

So life is reduced to basics and I’m still fighting this (which isn’t helpful). I want to power through the day, taking walks, getting to the grocery store, keeping the dishwasher emptied and loaded properly, doing laundry, vacuuming. But I cannot do all this. There is no time or energy to think about anything that does not directly affect immediate needs: is Claire hungry, needing a clean diaper? Do we need to mix a new batch of formula, is there a clean bottle? Did we mail the rent? Dinner? There’s a frozen pizza in the freezer; never mind we’ve eaten pizza for the last four days for lunch and dinner. Remembering to get and send birthday cards (hell, even remembering birthdays), opening savings accounts for Pixie’s future, writing thank-you notes, knitting Claire a Christmas stocking, getting the annoying squeak in the Honda checked out — all not priorities. And if you ask us when we’ll get to them, the answer is we haven’t a clue, and that will remain our answer until it changes.

They say the first six weeks are toughest and it gets better and I’m holding Them to that.

5 thoughts on “In The Interest Of Clarity”

  1. Diana

    They’re right. Boy, these posts of yours are bringing back all of those memories now and I wonder how in the heck I got through it! My husband had just started his first job out of college (we bought our first home and moved, to a new state, into it in the first two weeks of Katie’s life), so couldn’t take time off. He couldn’t help with the night stuff because he had to be rested for his work. It’s all just a blur now.

    And I had mastitis. Really bad.

    And the sleep deprivation made my brain a primitive, survival-oriented organ whose thoughts and impulses horrified me.

    I write this not to make it “all about me,” but to tell you that within, I dunno, two years? It was all a distant memory. You will get through this and you will clog up other new mothers’ blog comments with your horror stories. You really will. 😉

    Just keep on going, one hour at a time.

  4. Mouse

    My son was born by emergency c-section, barely alive and desperately needy. In the first six weeks of his life we were almost constantly joined, save for trips to the bathroom, I felt unable to let go of him.
    It was exhausting and all-consuming but, you know, as I learn to accept the Empty-Nest in which I now live I look back on those first few weeks of life with him with such longing it makes me catch my breath.
    It really does get easier
    Babies do learn independence
    Until then all I can say is, enjoy…
    and peace and love to you

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