It begins already: the doubt, the questioning whether I am doing something wrong, the anxiety.
They say that it’s important to help one’s baby learn to fall asleep on her own. They say to put children in bed when they are still awake, and they will learn to self-soothe into sleep and more quickly sleep through the night. Who are They? The book guides to a child’s first year, the pediatrician’s advice on the pamphlet given at the office visit, the websites.
My baby loves to be held. She falls asleep in my or Husband’s arms, and then if we are careful to gently put her in bed, she will usually stay asleep. If we put her down when she’s alert, or even sleepy and dozing, she awakens and fusses. So already I feel anxiety that we are setting ourselves up for frustration and failure, that our child will not learn to sleep on her own.
But she’s only 17 days old, for cryin’ out loud! I can’t leave her to “cry until she settles.” After a few minutes (no more than five) we pick her up. The world is huge. We can only imagine she needs comfort and security.
Also, since last Thursday her head has been congested. She had no fever. The doctor advised us yesterday to put saline drops in her nose prior to each feeding to make it easier to eat, and also to put in drops before a long nap. In addition, we elevated one end of her bed so her head is slightly higher and can drain more easily. Her respiratory rate is at the high end of normal (55-60 breaths a minute), and she is so very small. It’s hard for her to breathe.
Claire is particular. When she is awake, just after eating and changing, she wants to be held in different positions and to see different things. She communicates clearly when she’s bored and it’s time for a change by fussing and crying. Sometimes she enjoys the bouncer or swing, but most often it’s our arms she wants to be in. And it takes time to get her to settle down into sleep; this baby does not take after her father in sleep, she’s a light sleeper like me.
I’m not worried I’m spoiling her. I’m just worried I’m doing something that will set up a habit we have difficulty changing. I’m also worried about my own wants and needs and feel guilty for having them. But how can I eat, shower, etc. with her in my arms?
And to be honest, I’m scared. I was up this morning at 4:30 a.m. By 10:00 a.m., after three feedings, several diaper changes, two brief naps (hers), lots of holding and singing, I cried.
Because her need is relentless. How am I going to meet it, all day every day? How am I going to function once Husband returns to work?
And how will I make peace with her crying? I find that almost unbearable. Yet I also know that’s how babies communicate; it’s their only language. And that crying won’t damage them. And that rushing to stop the crying, especially when I’m driven by anxiety, while it feels like a loving act, also sends a subtle message: Hush. Be quiet. Expression is not acceptable.
I need a tougher heart.
[A side note: Empathy and suggestions are welcome, but please, no strident positions. We are not doing the family bed. We aren’t steeped in attachment parenting philosophy, but neither are we rigid and attempting to structure her life as suggested by the likes of Gary Ezzo (with whom I disagree on so many levels).]
I know it’s hard, but do try to remember that it will get better, and soon. The newborn stage is just like this. A day when you get to shower is a GREAT day. A trip to the grocery store while husband watches the baby feels like a day at Disneyland. But before you know it, the baby is sitting up and able to communicate and becomes a little person who can get to sleep on her own and play with toys while you shower, etc.
And you know what? My first baby was left to cry until she was hysterical when we were first in the hospital; the nurses overrode my concern and told me that “it don’t hurt ’em none.” And I was too tired and weak and overwhelmed to assert myself.
I honestly think that’s why my daughter has trust issues, always has. My second baby was allowed to room in at the hospital and we attended to him quickly, as you are. He has always been more confident, more resilient.
Of course, we’ll never know for sure if those early days made that much difference but I will always blame myself. So. Do what you feel is right. REally!
Ah the drilling straight through your brain of the crying child. There is nothing like it. Forget all the torture you hear on the news. Make somebody spend the night with a screaming infant and see what happens.
But really, you’ll be okay. She won’t be damaged for life. Bad habits will come no matter what you do (sorry to say). Just do what is right for you and your family. I for on showered every day. I made a point of it because it was important for my sanity.
Many of us love you and suppoort you. If I can do it, you can too!
love
Do what your instincts tell you, not what the “professionals” do. As parents, we’ve got many, many years to help them grow and turn into healthy, well adjusted people. She’s just starting out in her place in the world. (I had a great quote about this, I’ll try to track it down). Her whole world right now is what a foreign country could be like to us- brand new experiences are hitting her at every waking moment. She feels safe with your familiar sounds, touches and smells. Just as you are unsure of this new path of motherhood, she is feeling unsure of her path as a being.
(((((K)))))
my gut says to follow your heart and it will all work out. ha, i i just typed but instead of gut…so there you go, i’m talking out of my ass because i don’t have children of my own, only many younger siblings which doesn’t come close to having your own. so i can only say that i can imagine how difficult these choices must be and the endless need from her, i can’t blame you for feeling overwhelmed. and i wanted to send some love your way, my dear. only 17 days old! you will work out your rhythms together. xoxo
I remember thinking that this phase would last forever, but then you blink and you have a 6 month old. I think you are right to be thinking that a sleep routine is important. Letting her fall asleep in your arms and then transfering her to her own bed is a great start. My husband was a big believer in establishing a regular routine very early and we never had any sleep issues with either of our kids. Maybe your fatigue is not letting you hear your own intuition about things. Trust your instincts – you already know you have the goods to do a great job!
I rocked Zoe to sleep all the time. That turned into her liking a book while being held & rocked before bed. That turned into independent bedtime with a book read to her. Now she “reads” on her own. Holden loved to be held even more but when was he about 10-12 months old, he just decided he’d rather go to sleep right in his crib. I don’t think you’re setting up anything difficult. If it concerns you, maybe try putting her down outright for naps but rocking her for overnight (when she’s old enough for that schedule). When Z & H were newborns, I held them while they slept. They’ll only go for that for such a short time, I say if it feels right/good, do it.
give yourself time. there’s lots of advice, and while you’re underwater is not the time to choose between flavors of air. everything will lighten gradually, and you can set up strict new habits when she’s, say, three months old and you’ve mastered the juggling a bit more.
babies are resilient. parents are human. we do the best we can, one day at a time.
hugs.
Oh darling. Sometimes you will be fine, sometimes you won’t. Just do what you can minute by minute. Don’t get ahead of yourself by anticipating how bad things will soon be. They will be all that and worse! And sometimes they will be good and even better! You can’t imagine any of it. This is the underwater part, the 10,000 leagues under the sea. Let me know if/when you can bear to talk. I will listen.
Your tears and feeling of being overwhelmed are natural; you’re exhausted. Your body just went through major surgery. These first few weeks are hard. Sleep deprivation makes everything feel impossible.
Listen to yourself. Listen to your baby. Hold her when you can, safe and secure. She’ll be more independent sooner if she starts off with a foundation of security.
My son, when he was about four, came crawling into my bed for comfort after a difficult day. After a few hugs I suggested he go back to his room and he replied, “Baby animals sleep with their mothers.”
There is no perfect right way. You and your baby know more about each other than all the so-called experts…more than any of us trying-to-be-helpful commenters, too!
Remeber, there was once a time when “They” didn’t exist. Gazillions of babies survived just on mommy’s instincts, (and the ones that didn’t were usually because of illnesses that hadn’t been cured yet and lack of sanitary conditions and piping).
You will be perfectly fine. Follow your instincts. No baby was ever harmed by receiving too much love!
P.S. Don’t forget to treat yourself with lovingkindness. 🙂
AlllI can say is that you do what is right for you, your baby and your husband
There are no rules, no laws, one size fits all does not apply
Do what feels right and enjoy your beautiful baby girl
All too soon they grow into teenagers!
You know, I once saw Duke Ellington on the Mike Douglas show when I was a child. Douglas asked Ellington why he turned out to be such a easy-going confident man. Ellington answered, “My feet didn’t touch the ground until I was seven.”
He then explained that he was always being picked-up to be cuddled and hugged by his family and that he never felt anything but love. I’d say Baby Claire has plenty of time to learn how to go to sleep on her own. As Melissa says no baby was ever harmed by receiving too much love and as you say she is only 17 days old.
Having a baby is like having a little piece of your heart walking about on this earth. It is so hard to know what to do. Each cry and smile cut right to the core of your being. At this age they are so small and helpless. Truly you and your husband will be able to meet all of her needs. Do what feels right to you and your family. You can nod and smile to all those who offer advise, but follow your heart. Remember to take care of yourself so that you can be present to care for your beautiul family.
Peace!