Musings On Motherhood (MOM) #1

Update: The title of this post has been changed from Dispatch #1 From Motherland at the suggestion of my sister-in-law, L. Excellent idea, my dear!

Things I have learned:

  • I’m still not ready to visit via phone (I can’t believe I’m so loved by so many), so it’s not personal and I’m not ignoring you. I am depleted and need to give what I have to the one little being who needs me most. In-person visits from select friends are brief and usually involve bringing food or running errands. The only person I want now is my Mommy to talk to (and we do). (And it’s easier to steal a few moments to quietly write my thoughts to share here.)
  • The last ten days have been the hardest of my life so far.
  • My mother-in-law’s presence has been a blessing and I will be ever grateful for this.
  • I have never experienced the present so immediately, relentlessly, and urgently. There is no time to think about past or future.
  • I’m hopelessly far behind in reading other people’s blogs and worry that this makes me a “bad blog friend,” because I’m not as interested in what y’all are doing and writing about and don’t know if I ever will be again. But this is not a primary worry. I just want to let you know I still care.
  • The cat is not overly curious about Claire, but is vocal about her desire for attention (Pet me, I beg you!).
  • Feeding the baby with a supplemental system plus pumping after every feed to stimulate milk production as often as required feels like getting ready to go to the airport eight (or more) times a day. It’s exhausting.
  • I’m aware that even a century ago my labor likely would have resulted in my and/or Claire’s death (pre C-section era). Same with the feeding problem (my body is not producing). I’m thankful for scientific and medical technology.
  • As events, projectile baby spit-ups rival Old Faithful in performance.
  • Sometimes the body can’t provide all that is needed.
  • Mommy’s well-being (especially mental health) may be more important than providing breast milk. I am coming to terms with this.
  • Babies have prolific digestive systems, and I think about poop far more than I ever thought I would.
  • Claire has a sweet disposition and is very alert and interested. (Of course, by writing this I have jinxed myself, and the People in Charge of Irony will cause me to repent my hubris.)
  • She utters little Cindy Lou Who coos that make my heart clench in adoration.
  • The place where Claire’s earlobe meets her head is so tender and kissable.
  • As is the nape of her neck.
  • The incredible lightness of her being makes me love her so hard it hurts.

I’m making an exception to my “no baby photos on the blog” rule.

mommy cuddles

21 thoughts on “Musings On Motherhood (MOM) #1”

  6. Fran aka Redondowriter

    The photo is one of the most beautiful madonna photos I have seen.

    Motherhood is totally consuming and having the breast feeding problem makes it all the more stressful. No one who hasn’t had babies (though my own were adopted from birth, so I didn’t have the pregnancy and childbirth problems you do) can ever know how all-consuming it is. What a way to be in the now–at last, as you mention. My own daughters-in-law and women I work with use the breast pump continuously (or did) and I don’t know how in the heck they do anything else.

    Thinking of you, Kathryn. It will all settle out before long. You are both miracles–and thank God for modern medicine and science.

  14. Nancy

    Oh Claire is just beautiful and so are you. So glad to see a picture of her. I know this is a hard time as everyone adjusts, but it will get better each day and there will be sweet moments like this to keep you going. You are doing all of the right things. Love to all.

  15. Jennifer

    What a beautiful photo! Beautiful mama and baby!
    Sending lots of energy your way and hoping that things settle down soon for you and the little one. Best wishes.

  16. bella

    Ah, welcome to motherhood, the madness and exhaustion and coming undone only to find your wide open heart.
    Enjoy your cocoon and no phone calls and few visitors and not making time to visit other’s blog. it’s wonderful, isn’t it?
    And yes, mommy’s well being is more important than breast milk.

  18. donna

    Adorable. Both of you. ;^)

    Most of the benefit of breast feeding to the immune system comes in the first ten days, so if you get that far, cool. Do what works for you and don’t stress about it. My eldest breastfed about 18 months, the youngest would have nothing to do with it after a year. As long as you’re connecting and staying close, bottle/breast makes little difference after those first few critical days. It’s all good.

    Don’t lift stuff.

    SLEEP! AS much as you can….

  20. Eden

    “Mommy’s well-being (especially mental health) may be more important than providing breast milk. I am coming to terms with this.” Very true and not something we’re prepared for and not something for which support may be provided. No matter your choices and abilities, you are always doing what’s right and best by your baby (and that’s something I had to teach myself).

    Loving the photo 😉

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