In the past, I’ve written here about my vague desire and intention to join a local Unitarian Universalist church for the community. For readers unfamiliar with Unitarian Universalism, it is described in Wikipedia as:
Unitarian Universalism (UUism) is a theologically liberal religious movement characterized by its support of a “free and responsible search for truth and meaning.” This principle permits Unitarian Universalists a wide range of beliefs and practices. Unitarian Universalist congregations and fellowships tend to retain some Christian traditions such as Sunday worship that includes a sermon and singing of hymns, but do not necessarily identify themselves as Christians.
Ideologically, this suits me. Members of a congregation may be Christian, Buddhist, Atheist, and so on; there is respect for the wisdom in all traditions. Most members come to this community seeking a broader framework to express and experience their spirituality. Members covenant to affirm and promote:
- The inherent worth and dignity of every person.
- Justice, equity and compassion in human relations.
- Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations.
- A free and responsible search for truth and meaning.
- The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large.
- The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all.
- Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.
The living tradition which they share draws from many sources:
- Direct experience of that transcending mystery and wonder, affirmed in all cultures, which moves us to a renewal of the spirit and an openness to the forces which create and uphold life.
- Words and deeds of prophetic women and men which challenge us to confront powers and structures of evil with justice, compassion, and the transforming power of love.
- Wisdom from the world’s religions which inspires us in our ethical and spiritual life.
- Jewish and Christian teachings which call us to respond to God’s love by loving our neighbors as ourselves.
- Humanist teachings which counsel us to heed the guidance of reason and the results of science, and warn us against idolatries of the mind and spirit.
- Spiritual teachings of earth-centered traditions which celebrate the sacred circle of life and instruct us to live in harmony with the rhythms of nature.
- Grateful for the religious pluralism which enriches and ennobles our faith, we are inspired to deepen our understanding and expand our vision. As free congregations we enter into this covenant, promising to one another our mutual trust and support.
However, in the nearly three years I’ve lived here, I’ve only attended a couple of churches a few times. Every step toward involvement or joining has found me resisting. I’ve wondered why that is. In this world where we barely know our neighbors, where friends live hectic lives that require elaborate coordination to socialize, joining a community is beneficial. So I’ve been pondering why I pull back. Is it that I’m lazy and don’t want to get up and going on Sunday morning?
The other evening I went to Purlescence, a yarn store my friends opened last fall, for social knitting (officially Thursday eves and Sundays). I stayed for a few hours and felt nourished. I compared my experience there with the church to see what the knitting group has that the church lacks.
In the yarn store, we talk about the mundane, our jobs, of love revealed and rebuffed, of family. We tell stories and laugh. We share concerns and are received with empathy. There is a core group of women (and one or two men) who attend regularly, but newcomers are always welcomed. There are about 8-12 in attendance. We talk about yarn, assist each other when a mistake is made, show off works in progress and finished projects. There are boisterous moments and quiet interludes. The atmosphere is casual, friendly, not intense, but at the same time, intimate. Sometimes the discussion turns to matters of spirit; it’s a fairly liberal group in that no one proselytizes; instead, discussion of meaning and spirit can be approached from many perspectives. As my relationships with these women grow, I feel that the connections will extend beyond the shop and into “real” life, where friendships will blossom and socializing happen. I believe that if I needed help, these women would coordinate efforts to provide it, and it someone else needed assistance, I would offer.
When I attend any UU church, I feel uncomfortable. I do not need to express my spirituality in a public group that follows a format: hymn singing (even liberal humanist hymns), readings, listening to a sermon, sharing joys and concerns with the congregation — all of this feels rote. Rarely have I heard a sermon which rivets my attention and provokes thought. Then there is the after-service socializing. I’m not extroverted, and making an effort to manufacture chitchat with strangers while holding a paper cup of instant coffee is not fun. Believe me, I do try. I’ve found that I feel lonely, because other members have been attending for years and tend to cluster in small groups to visit, rarely casting an eye about for a newcomer to welcome and engage.
In some churches there are covenant groups; these are groups of 6-12 people who meet regularly; groups are led by experienced facilitators. Meetings have a worship service format, and the focus is on sharing each others’ lives. There is usually a topic to discuss. It’s not a discussion or therapy group, however. The goals are to care for its members, to encourage spiritual growth, and to meet the needs for affirmation and acceptance. They rely on confidentiality and each member’s commitment to participate. They often perform a service project in the community. So this smaller, more intimate group might be just the fit. Again, there is a worship format, which feels forced to me. But who knows, I might be able to adapt.
For an ambivalent newcomer like me, follow through on the part of church members is important. The last time I attended a service, I chatted with one woman who told me there were several people interested in reviving a daytime group. She asked about my schedule, and I said that afternoons work better. She introduced me to the woman who was to coordinate it and told her about my time preference. This woman stiffly told me that the group used to meet at 10 a.m., and I said that I could be flexible; then I gave her my name and phone number and said I looked forward to hearing about the group. I never heard a peep. My life got busy. I could have called the church to follow up, but interest abated. I haven’t attended a service since, and really, you have to show up to nurture connections.
Intellectually I value the concept of community, the strength of many people who share compatible worldviews helping each other and the world around them. Yet my heart hasn’t found a nest in the churches I’ve attended, and it feels so much at home among the women whose hands make knitting needles fly.
I’ll be contemplating this, and perhaps writing more about it.
I feel the same way about the social aspect of churches. I tell you, once I decided to practice at home, it made all the difference (that and the religious path as well ;)). It added a level of the personal to my faith that I had always felt obligated to share. I like keeping it to myself and making sacred space were I live.
This was an insightful post. I want to reread in depth ASAP. I had to give it a quick skim (while nodding madly).
Very insightful post, Kathryn. I have run a gamut of churches over the decades, including UU, and I long ago have realized that I do need the community. But even at liberal churchs like UU, there is a spin on the bible verse: wherever two or more are gathered, there’s going to be trouble.” I get bored at church sometimes, and the basic beliefs no longer work for me, but it’s like going to a spiritual filling station. It reminds me that no man is an island. Some people do great without churches–my own children included. But, for some whacky reason, I need one–but I’m quickly judging in my mind that what is going on isn’t what is really going on. Did you hear Elaine Pagels on NPR today talking about the Gospel of Judas?
You know, I very much feel the need for connection and community as well and didn’t find that at the UU church I went to either. I have, however, been very fortunate to find what I was looking for in a local Unity church.
Now, I’d never heard of Unity before, but I was so pleasantly surprised by what I did find! I have a rather eclectic spirituality that encompasses not only paganism, but also buddhism and some christianity as well. Odd combination, that, I know, but it works for me. Here’s an example of a “mision statement” (pulled from a link off of http://www.unity.org:
“Unity of Berkeley is a transformational ministry grounded in Prayer and Universal Truth Principles. We celebrate creative expression and abundant living. Unity acknowledges the Oneness of All Life. We welcome people of all races, colors, religious, social and economic backgrounds in love.”
The people at Unity are all very welcoming of people on all paths to God; I’ve found them to be extremely warm and inviting. All seem to have open minds and hearts. Our services aren’t like the staunch sit down, stand up, sing a hymn type services I grew up with in the Lutheran church *(and what I encountered at UU). Rather, they’re light-hearted, uplifting, energetic anc contemplative all at once. We have music that literally sometimes finds people dancing in the aisles. We also have a meditation each service that helps center ourselves to be more present. We also have the opportunity to expore such things as a community like watching “The Secret” and discussing this together. I’m really glad to have found my niche. 🙂
I won’t presume to know what would work for you, but when I’ve come across others who haven’t had the best experience at a UU church, yet seek a similar mindset, I like to tell them about Unity. Perhaps it would be worth checking out. 🙂
Fran, I heard bits of it but had company so didn’t really catch much. I plan to go to NPR and listen to it sometime today.
Brenda, in my 20s I attended a Unity church for awhile. I found that their services also feel rote to me as well. I’m also skeptical about some of the new age beliefs purported.
What seems clear to me is that I want community, but not in the context of religion. Increasingly I lean toward Buddhism, but I’m also fascinated with science. I’m reading Carl Sagan’s new book, The Varieties of Scientific Experience: A Personal View of the Search for God. That resonates with me.
As with all of you, my spiritual path has been eclectic: including years with yoga and sufi meditation (and relationships within those organizations) as well as a rich and affirming experience for many years with Unity.
For 16 years i have been a part of a small women’s spirituality group which has ritual and celebrates the seasons. none of us are “pagans” but have had community,
inspiration and fun in drawing from many traditions from our reading and own individual practices. Our circle meets and each of us has a part of the ritual which we create and share. Over the years we have each become so much more
at ease with leading and giving voice to our deepest beliefs
and sharing those experiences. We sometimes joke
that any of us could create a ritual and lead others in it
spontaneously at the drop of a hat because of how much we have done exactly this. What a gift and a confidence builder it has been to be in this safe place where we can share, and expand, and cannot fail. We also now have a history of long-knowing of each other which is true connectedness. The strength of our circle involvement has waxed and waned for each of us–many of us have left and returned, but it has remained important. Still, I have wished to be part of a larger spiritual community but have found 2 problems: 1) i am no longer a Christian and can’t actually see myself as a member of any one faith and 2) the format of a service where there are people in the congregation sitting and watching while others perform the service from the front seem too stiff, rigid and passive. A church with the acceptance of the wholeness of Spirit is hard to find. It seems to me that some Unity churches have felt like home to me, but that each one is its own thing and all communities are really different and resonate as a separate world. Several weeks ago, i accompanied a friendwho was checking out churches as a place for a memorial service for her husband who is dying. We went to a local Unitarian church in Towson, Md. She and i met in Unity in the 80″s but have not been part of any church since then. Within that hour, i felt that i had again found a good place for me to be. And reading the materials about what is valued (things like what you mentioned about UU in your posting) also felt right. there were people of all ages there and alot of participation in the service. the music was not lukewarm hymns. it was clear that people were there intentionally. i appreciate that our individual experiences on the spiritual journey can be so much more within a social framework. i’m looking forward to doing some volunteer work thru the church as well as to a 4 week class on Humanism and Unitarian values. i hope to meet some kindred spirits as it seems relaxed and open. i know if i volunteer and have discussion with people we will go beyond the superficial and the safe talk. i was pleased to see many men in this church who are active and verbal about their spirituality–not because I’m looking for one!–but because so much of my experience with sharing Spirit has been loaded with women that i just like the idea of adding a male element to it. But the intuitive feeling of rightness happened quickly, and now i’m moved to give up my Sundays at home to check it out! i see this as a gift–rare and wonderful–something that i will go deeper with.