The evening is chilly at last. The days have been unusually warm, remaining sunny and cloudless for the most part. Yesterday I took a stroll in downtown Santa Clara with my camera. I love leaves. So here’s a change of pace from my Art Everyday stuff.
I call this one “Bert and Ernie.” C’mon, I grew up on Sesame Street shows. It’s clever!
And this photo, I think, is lovely.
As for life, I’ve been keeping busy. Today I visited my friend who is fighting cancer, and it was lovely to see her. (Hi, E!) Then I went to the doctor’s office to acquire my medical records. That involved the usual run-here-go-there-it’s-not-my-problem encounter with bureaucracy, but I succeeded. Then I completed the 15-page new patient information for the fertility doctor. We have our consultation on Monday the 13th. Of course this next venture will mostly not be covered by insurance — we’re switching to a plan that does provide some coverage but that’s not until January 1, and even that has a $6K annual deductible for non-network providers.
Time is of the essence, though. The clinic said typically they don’t do in vitro procedures on women 44 or older and/or who have an FSH level of 11 or higher. I’m 43 until next June and the FSH is 10.8. My anxiety level zoomed up when I learned this. When I picked up my medical records I happened to read the report describing the outcome of the D&C when I miscarried. When I saw the measurements in black and white of the baby that wasn’t, I started to cry. Hmmm. Maybe I want a child more than I let myself know.
Sometimes I wonder about that… I don’t desperately want a child. Sometimes I wonder if the lack of acuteness in my desire is a negative — if the fact that I don’t yearn for this with all my being will somehow block success. I don’t feel “worthy” to become a mother because I don’t want it so bad I can taste it. Yet I’m open to the possibility. I’d like to think that this, plus taking care of myself and having a life, is as good a stage as one can set. Then there are moments when I catch myself dreamily looking at a child or crying (on that rare occasion such as the one tonight) that give rise to a sneaking suspicion I do want to become a mother.
Oh, Kathryn – it’s so hard to feel that fierceness in the abstract. I wasn’t sure I wanted it badly enough, either; I got pregnant because it was the next stage. The feelings come after, and not even necessarily the moment of birth (I don’t remember feeling a strong feeling of love/attachment in the delivery room because the whole thing seemed more like a medical procedure). I’m just trying to say that now that I have my children and know them as individuals I have more love than I ever thought possible but before they were “people” to me I was just going through the motions. Don’t feel like a freak or like you’re deficient somehow because really, what you describe is normal but only your best friends or the really honest will admit to it!
I love the luminescence of the red leaf. Isn’t nature amazing?
Scrolled down and found your ladybug picture – which is interesting in light of your post about motherhood.
Like your first poster, I have to say when they brought my (now 30) daughter to me I was more bemused than bonded.
We’re both Aries. She is now a mom (single).
I am adopted. I just (at 57) last year got the adoption write-up and learned my birth mom had me until I was 6 weeks old – went from her arms to my adoptive parents’ arms.
There are all kinds of motherhoods. They all bring with them joy and grief. I hope you find what you are looking for!
43 is not too old – I read one report recently that said most women are healthy enough to have babies until they hit menopause. If it’s what you want, work to make it happen.
And if it doesn’t happen, then there are other kinds of motherhood, indeed. A lot of kids need adoption, foster parenting, big sisters, and on and on. You never know where your passion for kids will lead you.
I love your leaves.