This post is being written quickly on a short break I’m getting. Husband is playing with and feeding Claire, after which she’ll be ready for her late afternoon nap. So I’ve tossed the thoughts into a post without much refinement.
On Friday I played hooky from my expectations of perfect mothering. I also decided to forgo the crying-nap battle with Claire by simply holding her for her three naps. She slept wonderfully and was completely cheerful. I did the same Saturday and Sunday, and I’m doing this today. We’ve had lovely days.
It occurred to me on Friday that perhaps Claire just isn’t ready to let go of me yet. She cries so hysterically when I put her in the crib. The timed intervals of waiting before “checking and consoling” do nothing constructive. She simply cries more and more, and it would continue for more than an hour if I persevered with this technique long enough. On the other hand, she nestles in so closely when I hold her. Her eyes close and she’s asleep within 5-10 minutes in my arms. She is the embodiment of contentment and trust. This is part of her childhood. This is important and necessary.
How many opportunities in life exist to be such a source for another? I’m not quite ready to let go of her either. As I hold her, I look at her sweet face in repose and bask in it. The weather is cold and rainy; I am warm and cuddly and soft. Soon enough it will be warm outside, and she will be bigger and more restless. A voice within says to relax and stop second-guessing myself.
Up until recently I was seeing the naps as something I “should” do a certain way. Must train child! Must use crib! Must get chores done! Well, she sleeps at night in her crib just fine, so it’s not that she can’t be “sleep trained” to her crib. There’s something else going on here. Rather than view the situation as a hindrance, what if I tilted my head a little to view it differently?
Holding Claire for her naps means I get to rest several times a day. I can sit and doze, or read, or think, or not think. Holding Claire means we bond and cuddle. Holding Claire means taking the moments and savoring them. Okay, so the laundry doesn’t get done while I hold her. So I can’t chop vegetables for a meal while I hold her. Well, then she can be with me while I do those tasks when she’s awake (along with all the playing we do). She can “help” Mommy.
What if I simply trusted myself and Claire? What if I cherished the way things are rather than trying to get us to do something the way others think it should be done? This is my child. She won’t be a child forever.
Yes, it can be tiring to hold her. My butt gets a little sore. At the same time, before she was born I did a lot of sitting anyway, only I was holding a laptop computer instead.
Hooray for you! I think you should trust yourself and Claire. Everyone will have an opinion about naps and cribs and what you ‘should do’ . This is your time with your baby! Savour every second because you will blink and it will be gone. I know it sounds silly but it is true. My babies are now 7 and 9. I wish I had enjoyed their babyhood more! Being in the moment is hard and goes against the norm but it is so worth the effort.
Peace!
It certainly sounds like you should trust your intuition on this one. Have you considered or do you already use a baby sling? It sounds like that would be something that Claire would absolutely LOVE so that she could be content cuddled up next to her mommy. And Mommy would be content being able to get laundry done or dinner prepared at the same time! 🙂
Alas, Brenda, we’ve tried three different kinds of slings, and she hates them all. I also discovered that it’s not so easy to do any type of task while carrying a big ol’ baby in front. So I’m thinking perhaps life is showing me a different opportunity… to slow down and savor the minutes.
Wow. I like the look of things.
Motherhood is the looniest job on the planet. It’s nice to see how you’re doing. And coping. And discovering.
I’m so happy for you coming to this realization. I’ve never really understood this modern desire to train infants. I have always believed that independence comes from confidence. I think many children must find it difficult to develop any sense of confidence if they suffered separation and abandonment anxiety from their first months.
As Barbara commented above: you won’t believe how fast she grows up and toddles away from you. Then you’ll be the one feeling a bit abandoned. These moments together will never come again. Enjoy them.
some of my happiest memories are of curling up on the sofa with a sleeping baby…
Follow your intuition, Kathryn. I too believe that what you are doing is how you help your child to feel secure in this world. I can’t believe that you teach children this by leaving them alone to teach them to be by themselves as a baby. I believe that if they are helped to feel secure as a baby, they will develop their own independence as they grow. I have watched this happen. I don’t believe that you spoil them when you keep them close to you.
By the way, Kathryn, congratulations – your “flower pot” seems to be very full with all the right combinations. Mainly with you and your wonderful life. I am so happy for you.
I remember once, when Babycakes was young (instead of the ancient 5 and 1/2 she is now!), I took her for a walk in the stroller in Mt. Dora. She was fussy, and couldn’t seem to sink into nap time (but sometimes she’d conk right out in the stroller). So, being totally incompetent at child care, I picked her up and held her on my shoulder (burping position, by way of description), and walked on. She was asleep in seconds, and I felt like a hero!
Much love.